To think no way should I creep and apologise?

[Suntrap]

Hi all
I need urgent response as I'm away on holiday with DP and DC and also a group of family are coming today (different accommodation) and will be spending time with them. Although even if they weren't, the question would be the same

So havent been getting on great with DH for a couple of months. Been together a long time so not a massive issue as we always work things out.

Anyway couple of weeks ago we had a big row and it wasn't my fault
If it was, I'd apologise. Tbh, hes less likely to discuss things and 'talk '. His solution to arguments is leave it a few day to blow over and thinks all is okay.

I hate this approach, but if he has done something to really upset me then he will make a fuss and say sorry and kiss angry hug etc. But mostly he just thinks let things go and all will be okay.

So build up to the holiday, he seemed very annoyed with me still. No attempt to make amends. I kind of tried to broach the subject and that we were going away and not a good atmosphere and he didnt seem to give a shit.

I couldnt face any more eye rolls and 'oh God, dont start' comments if I asked if all was okay, so I left it.

So we go to our holiday home thurs evening and all seemed well. We were talking normalish and having a laugh. Normally in one of these situations, one of us would say "let's forget it and have a nice holiday, you know I love you blah blah".
I was hoping this would happen, but I wasnt prepared to be the one to say it as he was bloody horrible to me before we came away.

I know it sounds like I'm playing a silly game, but I'm not. We have been together 20+ years and have 4 DC. So we arent young kids.

Anyway, so I thought we were on the right track. Was looking forward to a fun time, affection, kisses and cuddles and bloody sex!!!!

So 2 days in and he seems quite happy with a kind of civil but not a massively brilliant approach.
No attempt to be nice. Hes not horrible but very matter of fact.
Now I could say
"Hey let's have a good holiday, forget our row!"
But I actually feel like saying WTAF?
Also, I dont want to cause a other row!!
What should I do? If it were my family coming today I'd think bollocks and ignore him!
Seriously though, holidays are precious and I dont want another week of just being civil and general chit chat. I feel like I'm away with a work colleague.

@icedcoffees

What would an apology actually achieve at this point? Surely it wouldn't be genuine so what's the point?

No I suppose a apology isnt the issue. Maybe him just recognising.ive been upset and trying to make amends.

OP I can relate to this, sounds like my ex, he would never take responsibility or make any attempt to smooth things over after a disagreement - it was always my fault and the silent treatment was, I think on reflection, to 'punish' me. Many times i bit my tongue to avoid saying anything that could make things worse but eventually I had enough of that and it killed something in the relationship that we never got back.

Sounds like you may be reaching that stage and some serious thinking/talking may be needed if the relationship is to survive. You'll know by his reaction whether he values you enough to realise that and make the effort.

Without knowing the initial issue, it's difficult to judge but yabu to think everything would magically resolve on holiday.
In future, if you're annoyed and deserve an apology (which is different from wanting one) then you should have that out when it happens - not drag it out for weeks harking back to how it didn't resolve the way you wanted it to.
It reads as though you see the apology as a prize; every argument as a competition and you want to 'win' so you can have sex and pretend you have a happy family.
Some issues don't resolve. You need to decide which are the ones that you can live with and which are the deal-breaking, end of relationship ones. The holiday is neither here nor there.

No I suppose a apology isnt the issue. Maybe him just recognising.ive been upset and trying to make amends.

But again, it won't be genuine if it's been forced out of him.

If he's hurt you and he won't apologise, maybe you need to think about whether you want to stay married to him.

We put a lot of pressure on our holidays to magically fix everything. Understandable with such stressful lives and the past year especially. What often happens though is that issues are magnified and come to a head.
It appears your husband is grey rocking you. He could have mentally checked out of the relationship or giving him the benefit of the doubt, genuinely trying to get through it by being civil and not arguing.
It's not going to be resolved on holiday so I think your best bet is to follow his lead for now.
I'm not a huge fan of counselling but it may help you both to have some sessions when you get back. Stop arguing, start talking is a good self help book. What concerns me is that its usually the woman who ends up doing all the donkey work in trying to improve a relationship.

Sometimes letting go of a grudge or upset is the best course of action. even if it is not your fault originally. Life is too short for these sort of things to drag on.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Just bloody talk to him, how does anyone stay married for 20 years when they play these games. I would go insane! Tell him how you feel. TALK TO HIM!

this ^^

also don't start from a place of who is right.....start from a place of how can we sort this

@DownToTheSeaAgain

Sometimes letting go of a grudge or upset is the best course of action. even if it is not your fault originally. Life is too short for these sort of things to drag on.

There’s letting go of a grudge though, and then there’s glossing over someone treating you like shit just to keep the peace.

OP’s husband was deliberately horrid to her and hasn’t apologised for it. She’s not ‘holding a grudge’ she’s understandably upset and hurt.

All sounds rather immature and pointless for a middle aged couple who have been together over 20 years and have 4 children. I think you both need couples counselling or just a divorce, it’s a bit toxic.

I am sorry to say this but your marriage sounds very unhealthy. Enjoy the holiday for what it is and when you get home perhaps go and see a marriage guidance counsellor on your own. I think some personal reflection is needed.

This is awful. He’s being an absolute prick.

His behaviour is destroying your marriage. Don’t swallow it and for it yourself to pretend nothing is happening. Find a way to address it.

If you can’t get anywhere with it then you have big problems.

Maybe he needs to know what he’s throwing away.

*force yourself

@icedcoffees

Capitulate to a sulking emotional abuser and take responsibility for something she didn't do to keep the peace? Terrible advice

Where are you getting emotional abuse from?

The whole dynamic sounds dysfunctional- on both sides. Both of them are refusing to apologise or forgive the other!

Sulking is emotional abuse.

Yes stonewalling, silent treatment = emotional abuse.

It’s been going on for weeks.

@Suntrap

The initial issue was him being really, really shitty with me about something a few weeks ago. It upset me but he denied he was mean to me. I was well you have made me feel bad.

I couldnt let it go, so kept bringing it up. He said I 'was going on'.
He absolutely is not a sulker to those who have said that.
But I got the silent treatment.
He was proper on the defensive too and everytime I tried to mention that I was upset he would like literally get the rage!!
As we were at work and busy we just ticked along.
Every so often I'd mention it and he accused me if being sarcastic or picking a row. I tried to explain that I wasnt picking a row, but rather trying to settle the initial row!!

And so it's gone on. Hes been absolutely fine in the respect normal activities at home are concerned and day to day stuff.
But no affection. Nothing.

I dont know why I thought holiday would magically solve everything.

How is he not a sulker when he is literally sulking?

@Suntrap

He doeant sulk. When I say silent treatment, I really mean talking but only when he has to. About DC, general stuff.

That is sulking though

As an outsider and looking at what you have said with no emotion, it's really hard to know what to say without knowing exactly what the original row was all about and hearing both sides of the story. I know you say it wasn't your fault, and I have no reason to doubt you, but, rightly or wrongly it would seem that your husband does not feel the same.

All I can say is, I have been with my husband for over 20 years too and could not stand to go on as you are for more than a day. I would absolutely have to sit him down and have it out with him today even if that means a blazing row. Sends the kids out for a bit (if that's possible, I don't think you have mentioned their ages), even into the garden with a ball and insist that you clear the air. This is just no way to carry on, you will both be building resentment and if it hasn't blown over by now, it's going to be an uncontrolled explosion sooner rather than later. It's not good for anyone and the kids will be picking up on the tension, even if you both think you are behaving normally.

Personally in your shoes I'd go off for the day with the kids and go do something fun and leave him where he is to greet his family.

I'd use the time to have a think about whether I wanted to continue in a relationship that functions like this.

He doesn't give a toss about your feelings OP. He's been vile to you and is continuing to be vile in a different way while knowing how much you were looking forward to this holiday.

I’d be inclined to say you badly hurt me in the past and I know there will be no apologies for it but I’d like to draw a line under it now but to make you aware I will not be tolerating it again when you give me the silent treatment it’s childish behaviour and not on.

If he blows up or goes on the defensive walk away and do so every time.
He may never get it but only you can decide if you’ve had enough or not.

As one of the world’s greatest apologisers, I honestly don’t understand this. I learnt very early in life that apology is a tool that takes the heat and drama out of just about any situation so I just do it. It doesn’t really matter if it’s my fault or not, it just means we can move on.

I know I’m unusual and the accusations of being a doormat will now come flooding in but it works for me. It costs me absolutely nothing and has served me well in relationships and the workplace for 50 years. My mantra is life’s too short.

You both need to talk about the tie and find a way to move on otherwise it’ll destroy your marriage

Row not tie

Sulking is emotional abuse.

I agree, but it wasn't clear in her OP whether he was actually sulking or whether they'd just had a row and he was refusing to apologise.

TBH it seems very dysfunctional on both sides.

Sounds like he is trying to ruin your holiday, he knows what he is doing. I would be thinking stuff him and leave him to it. Enjoy your holiday with your children, make him look like a fool with his behaviour. People who gaslight love to see how their behaviour upsets, take that away from him, you don’t need him and his shitty behaviour.