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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday PART DEUX

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 00:41

First thread

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4332702-to-not-want-an-awake-child-around-at-11pm-when-i-m-on-holiday

OP posts:
JackieChiles · 28/08/2021 15:52

When someone overtly boasts about random things on MN I always wonder whether they are full of shit or worse, they actually speak that way to real life people. That kind of insecurity seems more common on here than in real life so perhaps some people know how off-putting it is but they let their real self come out here.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 28/08/2021 15:54

@JackieChiles Grin

I am also very impressed with that

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 15:57

@JackieChiles

When someone overtly boasts about random things on MN I always wonder whether they are full of shit or worse, they actually speak that way to real life people. That kind of insecurity seems more common on here than in real life so perhaps some people know how off-putting it is but they let their real self come out here.
I think the exact same thing!!
crosstalk · 28/08/2021 16:00

Falleybollolo Why would you send your friend the thread? when all seems to be well with her and her set up? Surely that would just cause her more anxiety?

I read it that OP is a good friend to her GF and has trying to let her have relaxing time for two hours in an evening away from a daughter who seems to be problematic and occasionally abuses her mum (not great from any DC let alone an 8yo). On top of which is up so late she's impinging on other children's enjoyment.

minipie · 28/08/2021 16:07

I know it’s a massive MN cliche and PPs have already been shot down for suggesting, but I too wonder about undiagnosed SN. Though my guess was ADHD rather than ASD.

It’s perfectly possible to have SN and poor parenting at the same time, it’s not one or the other.

Especially since the usual parenting/discipline strategies that work on NT kids often don’t work with children with SN - so parents stop trying. And if a child is very hard work and you’re a lone parent, it’s exhausting trying to discipline and ending up with meltdowns, and a lot easier to go down the route of appeasing. In this scenario I wouldn’t call it lazy parenting but exhausted parenting.

I wonder if OP’s friend is pussy footing around Alyssa because she’s trying to avoid a full on meltdown in front of OP?

peaceanddove · 28/08/2021 16:10

@beastlyslumber

I think it's Jordan Peterson who talks about parents' responsibility to not allow your kids to be annoying to others. Because being liked and enjoyed by adults is pretty important to how you progress through life, the sorts of opportunities you get and the experiences you have. Likewise, being liked and enjoyed by your peers is incredibly valuable. Parents who let their kids behave like Alyssa are doing them a great disservice.
Agree. Because I love our DDs very much, I wanted them to experience other adults reacting positively toward them (as much as possible, that is). That is why I was strict and from a very early age taught them how to behave appropriately (and pleasingly) in social situations.

Consequently, other adults tended to enjoy spending (some) time with our DDs, and tended to praise them for their good behaviour, manners etc. Even little children can usually tell when an adult doesn't really like them. It's far, far better for their self esteem to know that other people genuinely welcome their company.

SunshineCake · 28/08/2021 16:22

@Falleybollolo

Funniest thing. Friend of mine is on a mums holiday at a resort with a friend and thier kids. She's told me she's having a reeally hard time with her dc anxiety and that going to bed is really hard, spesh in a new place. Has messaged me saying how supportive the mum friend is being and how lucky she is to have her as a friend. Wondering if sending her this thread is harsh 🤔
Why on Earth would you send her this thread?Hmm

It won't make her feel better about her situation.
If you're implying this thread might be about her then that's a bit silly and it definitely would not be helpful for her to read it in that case.

justamomentplease · 28/08/2021 16:32

@BigButtons

Oh lord- the asd card is being rolled out by some posters. Children with asd need very clear and consistent boundaries.
I know and it's making me laugh. My child has ASD, she's only 5 and she has the strictest boundaries and routines of any child I know because she needs them to feel safe. She is at her best when she knows what's coming - Now Next and Later. We use visual timetables to help with this.

She wouldn't be getting up and out of bed like this unless she was ill or really needed me because in her mind the routine is she gets into bed and she stays there! On holiday? We'd maybe have a night or two where she'd find it hard to drop off because the room is unfamiliar but we would still keep to the same routine (because that is familiar) and help her by making adjustments to meet her needs (needs not wants!) - letting her bring as many of her home comforts as possible to make the room 'hers', maybe laying with her the first night to help settle (we never normally do this), letting her spend some time in the room in the day so that she's comfortable there.

There is no way I'd indulge this sort of behaviour whether we had friends with us or not. It's not about ASD or meeting any additional needs it's about this child be pandered to thoroughly!

stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 16:40

OP please ignore the boring holier than thou posts, they are almost certainly making excuses their own poor parenting.

What kind of person goes on holiday with a friend and lets them go to bed at 9.30pm instead of putting the 8 year old to bed?!
And secondly who on earth thinks it is ever a good idea to make 11.20pm bedtime for an 8 year old. It is really very poor on every level.

Roussette · 28/08/2021 16:47

Some people seem really mad about OP daring to want to have some wine with her friend 🤨 call the police, someone’s had more than one drink on their holiday

I have found this before on MN, it is very weird and puritanical. And odd.

If I'm with my friends on a holiday we have a drink. Not so we're falling over but we are holidaying!

CreamCabbages · 28/08/2021 16:48

@stepupandbecounted- no one here thinks and 11.20 bedtime is a good idea.

PartyPotato · 28/08/2021 16:52

@Roussette same, some MNers will accuse you of being an alcoholic if you enjoy more than a thimble of wine

TrickyD · 28/08/2021 16:52

@JackieChiles

When someone overtly boasts about random things on MN I always wonder whether they are full of shit or worse, they actually speak that way to real life people. That kind of insecurity seems more common on here than in real life so perhaps some people know how off-putting it is but they let their real self come out here.
It wasn’t really random though, was it? It was a fairly harmless boast, if you count it as one, I always wonder why some posters have to make rather spiteful remarks when they spot an opportunity and whether they are like it in real life. Touch of the mean girls, albeit grown up.
Roussette · 28/08/2021 16:54

some MNers will accuse you of being an alcoholic if you enjoy more than a thimble of wine

Totally weird! I like a thimblefull to the brim with an eggcup sized cocktail chaser!

Plumtree391 · 28/08/2021 16:54

I don't get why little girl cannot sit and do her own thing, whatever it is, telly, drawing or playing with something, while mum and friend are having a drink and chat together, apart from but within reach of, her. She could be told that is the requirement. At 8 years old children understand instructions like that.

It makes me wonder if her mum really prefers having her daughter around but just doesn't say.

Anyway it's a bit late now.

Roussette · 28/08/2021 16:57

I would hate that. How can you talk about your sex life with an 8 year old earwigging?

It's a life skill to be learn to be bored whilst lying in bed trying to go to sleep!

Sadiecow · 28/08/2021 16:57

@Plumtree391

I don't get why little girl cannot sit and do her own thing, whatever it is, telly, drawing or playing with something, while mum and friend are having a drink and chat together, apart from but within reach of, her. She could be told that is the requirement. At 8 years old children understand instructions like that.

It makes me wonder if her mum really prefers having her daughter around but just doesn't say.

Anyway it's a bit late now.

Possibly, in which case take her daughter to her room and entertain her there?

She is only in a bedroom anyway, hardly far away and she needs to be out of earshot of adult conversations.

Sadiecow · 28/08/2021 16:59

[quote PartyPotato]@Roussette same, some MNers will accuse you of being an alcoholic if you enjoy more than a thimble of wine[/quote]
And what if they needed to drive one of the DC to hospital!

No ones said that one yet?

PartyPotato · 28/08/2021 17:01

@Sadiecow I know I can’t believe that crisis situation hasn’t been visited yet

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 28/08/2021 17:08

"but Lucy got a new breakfast why can't I". Which kind of points out the massive obvious difference in our parenting. And I have to say "Lucy isn't my child!" Which doesn't really wash with a 5yo!

I think you missed a trick here FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop, your answer should have included I'm not a pushover like Lucy's Mom and and I'm not a short order cook, so eat!
All in earshot of the Mom.
I think I'd take my chances without a friend for adult company next time. This sounds like more work than it's worth.

torchh · 28/08/2021 17:12

[quote PartyPotato]@Roussette same, some MNers will accuse you of being an alcoholic if you enjoy more than a thimble of wine[/quote]
I never see people saying that. I only ever see people saying that people say that

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 28/08/2021 17:14

@mumjustmum

You don’t need a book. You need a long look in the mirror and a fucking self pat on a back for being a brilliant mum already.

You don’t need to mimic someone else’s parenting style, yours is fine as it is. It’s very trendy atm to be the ‘best mum you can be’ you’re already the best mum you can be, copying others isn’t going to change that.

PartyPotato · 28/08/2021 17:15

@torchh I’ve seen it several times recently on different posts

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 28/08/2021 17:21

I do find mumsnet to be a constant contradiction.

You don’t drink with kids but all anyone ever says is that you need a large g and t.

It’s irresponsible to leave your kids but go for a spa day.

Batshit. Drinking nightly doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Being unable to STOP drinking is where the problems start and there is a very broad range of alcoholism, suggesting someone who drinks most nights does disservice to families who deal with alcoholism.

Also don’t believe that you’re neglectful if you drink with kids in your care. That’s bollocks too.

It’s all just piety.

If opening a bottle of wine at bedtime or having a few drinks around my kids is the worst thing I ever do to them then fuck me I've done a good job!

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 28/08/2021 17:22

@torchh go and look at a thread from last week about a mother who drank a bottle of red wine after putting her baby to bed.

The attitudes towards her are astounding. It’s all very mn chicken.

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