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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won’t let me move away

157 replies

Fomo41 · 27/08/2021 17:57

I’ve always wanted to live in the countryside-always. I’d love to move just over an hour away from where I live now. Problem is, my ex says he’ll stop me as we have 2 DC together and says ‘he has things in place legally to prevent the move’. Can he actually stop me? It would be England to wales but only an hour or so drive

OP posts:
sassbott · 30/08/2021 21:17

I haven’t RTFT but some of the first pages are full of nonsense.

  1. yes he can absolutely stop you. He has PR and could go to court to not only get a prohibited steps order but also prevent a school move without his permission.
  2. a court would look at what is in the best interests of the children. If he currently has 50% access (which tells me he is pretty hands on including school runs) a court is going to have to take into account that your moving away will have huge impact on the existing contact arrangements. If the children are happy with the current level of contact and a dad this involved, it is highly unlikely a court will allow you to move them an hour away.
  3. if you are successful (like I said get legal advice), be prepared that a court could very easily make you do the driving to facilitate contact. At least 50% of it if not more.

I’m sorry he’s not being very nice to you. But that’s separate to facilitating 50% contact arrangements with your children. I mean how would the children feel about this?

My exh lives close to me and whilst I too would love to move, I won’t even consider it until my lot are adults.

Original poster
Fomo41 · 30/08/2021 21:31

The 50/50 is a very recent thing. When we were together 90% of the childcare fell to me. Then, it was me 80% of the time after we split. He’s a ‘hands on’ dad now, but this is extremely recent

OP posts:
nugget396 · 30/08/2021 21:58

@Fomo41 sorry you’ve been jumped on by some people on here, with some really unfair and narrow minded comments. I hope you manage to make the move and improve the quality of life for your kids.

sassbott · 30/08/2021 22:09

I’ve just read more of this thread. Cannot believe advice has been given to pack and move without notice to get round the system. What an abuse of your Parental rights. And to come on here and advise it? Revolting.

Feelinglow27 · 30/08/2021 22:10

Don't think it's particularly narrow minded to mention the kids might not be happy living so far away from their dad.

I'm separated in a city far away from my family. I would love to move, but I'm not doing so because in my mind my kid's relationship with her father is just as important as my relationship with her.

Original poster
Fomo41 · 30/08/2021 23:24

I’d never just up and leave without saying anything. I can’t stand the ex but my DC adore him. If I was to actually go ahead with this, I’d sit down and talk it through with him and see if there was a way to compromise.
I want a nice life for them(and for me) and if I didn’t think they’d be happy, I wouldn’t even contemplate it.
They’re so loved-by both of us.

OP posts:
Activesketchers · 30/08/2021 23:34

My ex didn't need a prohibited steps order and I'd never expressed an urge to move closer to family (who are 3 hours away) but it was written into our shared parenting order that I can't move more than an hour away, no exceptions. It's more common in a shared parenting order than people think. You need legal advice.

Original poster
Fomo41 · 30/08/2021 23:44

We have a custody agreement that was written up by a solicitor(a friend of his I think and it looked like it had just been copy/pasted off google!) and there’s nothing in that about moving away…

OP posts:
Garriet · 30/08/2021 23:58

In your circumstances it sounds like you’d be better off moving without giving him advance notice. Legally you can do so, though morally it might feel a bit questionable. A judge cannot order you to move back.

@nugget396 you are correct, but the judge can order the children to move back, and would be highly likely to do so if there is a 50/50 arrangement in place and one parent unilaterally decided to move with the children. Have seen this exact scenario. Your advice is poor advice, and the OP should ignore it.

SpeedRunParent · 31/08/2021 08:02

@Fomo41

They are 7 and 10. The area we live in is riddled with crime and antisocial behaviour a d is only getting worse. We have a holiday home near to where I’d like to move, and it’s a much more pleasant area with significantly less crime. I don’t want my children to grow up in an area that they don’t feel safe, falling in with the wrong crowd(which I know can happen anywhere, but the chances increase in a very built up area like the one we live in currently). I want their childhoods to be happy and worry-free, not having police sirens waking them in the night, neighbours wielding machetes at eachother.
If you can afford a 'holiday home' how on earth can you be living in an area where neighbours are wielding machetes at one another?
NailsNeedDoing · 31/08/2021 10:44

What sort of compromise can he offer though? If you move away you move away and there’s not much he can do about it, so what can he do to compromise. The only space for compromise is if you reassure him that you will do all the drop offs and pick ups, but as you’re the one choosing to move, that should be a given anyway.

LittleMysSister · 31/08/2021 11:49

@NailsNeedDoing

What sort of compromise can he offer though? If you move away you move away and there’s not much he can do about it, so what can he do to compromise. The only space for compromise is if you reassure him that you will do all the drop offs and pick ups, but as you’re the one choosing to move, that should be a given anyway.
Why would he offer a compromise though? If he has 50/50, he probably feels things are ideal for him as is. There is no compromise he can offer except accepting less time with his children, which he might not be inclined to do.

I guess the only other thing he could do to keep it 50/50 is to have the children extra in the school holidays, but that will only really if he's solely bothered about the CM he'd have to pay. I think for most people extended time in the holidays doesn't make up for the lack of daily involvement in their children's lives. Also OP would need to be OK with not seeing her children for a couple of weeks at a time over the holidays, which many wouldn't be.

Not saying he's right for obstructing OP from moving to a nicer area, but I'm sure most parents would feel the same if their ex wanted to move and take the children with them when they had been used to 50/50.

vivainsomnia · 31/08/2021 12:11

He controlled every aspect of my life for a decade and now he’s potentially controlling me still
He is not controlling you. You having children and doing what's best for them is. You said you always wanted to move to the countryside but you still opted to have two children before doing so. You went along with the 50/50 arrangement, assuming because you felt it was best for the children.

You cant suddenly disrupt everything for them just because you are not living your dream of a house in the countryside. Make plans for it to happen in the future if he still means so much to you then, but in the meantime, your children stability comes first.

Gariffe · 31/08/2021 12:52

@SpeedRunParent it’s nothing glamorous. I bought a static caravan with inheritance about 6 years ago

gogohm · 31/08/2021 13:07

Unfortunately the court will take his side - you moving away will prevent him seeing his children 50/50 so it does not facilitate the children maintaining the relationship with their father. A compromise such as 30 minutes is more likely to be accepted as that's a normal after school journey and you can keep them at their school

DynamoKev · 31/08/2021 13:12

@gogohm

Unfortunately the court will take his side - you moving away will prevent him seeing his children 50/50 so it does not facilitate the children maintaining the relationship with their father. A compromise such as 30 minutes is more likely to be accepted as that's a normal after school journey and you can keep them at their school
Why would that be "unfortunately" ?
TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 31/08/2021 13:22

@Fomo41

We have a custody agreement that was written up by a solicitor(a friend of his I think and it looked like it had just been copy/pasted off google!) and there’s nothing in that about moving away…
Please tell me you got this checked over by your own solicitor and didn’t let him control you this way too?
seaandsandcastles · 31/08/2021 13:26

YABU. It’s not in the best interests of the children to move them away from their other 50/50 parent.

Hankunamatata · 31/08/2021 13:35

Wouldn't you need his agreement to change schools?

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 31/08/2021 14:02

It’s vital you get proper legal advice on this. This sort of thing is a minefield.

ghostyslovesheets · 31/08/2021 14:52

Maybe sell your current home in a war zone, sell the lovely little holiday home and buy something in a nicer area that's still local to their father.

Children have a right to the relationship with their dad.

SpeedRunParent · 31/08/2021 16:24

[quote Gariffe]@SpeedRunParent it’s nothing glamorous. I bought a static caravan with inheritance about 6 years ago[/quote]
Fair enough.

Garriet · 01/09/2021 18:56

@Fomo41

We have a custody agreement that was written up by a solicitor(a friend of his I think and it looked like it had just been copy/pasted off google!) and there’s nothing in that about moving away…
It probably wasn’t relevant at the time.

It would be a very quick process for him to apply for a Prohibited Steps order.

SpareBread · 01/09/2021 19:41

you are correct, but the judge can order the children to move back, and would be highly likely to do so if there is a 50/50 arrangement in place and one parent unilaterally decided to move with the children.

How would that work? If mum as already moved, she won't be moving back to the old place, so where would the child move back to? Really it would mean the child would have to go and live with the dad.

Garriet · 01/09/2021 19:57

@SpareBread

you are correct, but the judge can order the children to move back, and would be highly likely to do so if there is a 50/50 arrangement in place and one parent unilaterally decided to move with the children.

How would that work? If mum as already moved, she won't be moving back to the old place, so where would the child move back to? Really it would mean the child would have to go and live with the dad.

Yes that’s exactly what it would mean. Dad’s home is also the children’s home, and there’s a 50/50 arrangement, so it’s very likely that the children will be ordered to return to dad’s care while mum makes her argument as to why they should be allowed to move. The court may then give permission for the relocation, but the reasons would need to be substantial (and if mum moves without going through the proper channels then that would count against her).