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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex won’t let me move away

157 replies

Fomo41 · 27/08/2021 17:57

I’ve always wanted to live in the countryside-always. I’d love to move just over an hour away from where I live now. Problem is, my ex says he’ll stop me as we have 2 DC together and says ‘he has things in place legally to prevent the move’. Can he actually stop me? It would be England to wales but only an hour or so drive

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 11:07

Are you prepared to do the 2 hour round trip to drop off and pick up?

If I was him I would be seeing a solicitor and doing everything in my power to prevent this.

saladcreamandegg · 30/08/2021 11:09

I'm sorry op it's clearly not what you want to hear but if he has them 50/50 and there are no abuse/safety issues, it's not him being controlling of you to not want his children moving away. He is their parents as much as you are. How would you feel if he was to say that he was moving and taking the children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 11:14

You’re not just planning to move, you’re asking to completely change the existing contact schedule. To live near some fields.

He might not be nice to you but he’s been a present and involved father to the children you chose to have with him.

You’re pregnant, are you living with a new partner?

How would you feel if your ex decided to move an hour away and took the children with him meaning you had much less time with them? Don’t fancy that? Well rightly neither does he. He’s an equal parent, they’re not solely yours who you allow to see him when it suits.

What’s your plan for how often he’ll see them if you move? How’s the two hour round trip back to him going to work with a baby to consider?

How will you explain to your children that you fancied a change of scene so took them away from regular contact with the dad they used to spend half the week with?

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 11:16

You could always call his bluff if you think he's just doing it to be controlling. He can't stop you moving, just the children. So you could say he has to have them for the whole school week and be primary carer, and you'll do weekends and holidays. The problem of course is that he might take you up on that... if you're presently 50/50, he's clearly used to caring for them.

TiredButDancing · 30/08/2021 11:19

If he's 50/50 I think it's going to be a hard sell to convince a court that it's okay for you to move so far away.

Isn't there a compromise solution? We live in a slightly rougher area than we'd like. But when we can afford to move in a few years, we'll probably only move a mile or two away, the kids will get into the same high schools and worst case, DD can probably stay at her current school and we'd just have to drive her every day instead of walking her for a year or two until she gets to high school.

SpaceBethSmith · 30/08/2021 11:20

He can apply for a PSO but it doesn’t mean he will get one! My friend was given permission to move 1.5 hours away, although her ex had previously moved an hour away from her, so it was 2.5 hours total from his place to her new place. Same reasons as you - escaping a city with a lot of crime. Funnily enough when her ex moved, that was fine, but as soon as she wanted to move, off to court he went.

Loubiemoo · 30/08/2021 11:28

Just get your own legal advice OP and take it from there.

Seesawmummadaw · 30/08/2021 11:34

I hate living near my ex (I love where I live, it’s him I dislike) but I had children with him and want them to have a relationship with him so it doesn’t really matter what I want.

What do your children think of your dream?

millymollymoomoo · 30/08/2021 11:41

Is it an hour or what is the ‘or so’ youstated.
Ie an hour in peak traffic or more like 90mins to 2 hours?
Even if it is only an hour you’re proposing to effectively change the dynamic of 50:50 to something more like EOW which is pretty fundamental. What about clubs and sports and things?

Ultimately you’d probably be allowed to but is it really in everyone’s interests, or actually just yours?

PurpleOkapi · 30/08/2021 11:44

It's not "abusive" or "controlling" for him to pursue all his legal options to prevent you from dramatically reducing his time with the children. It would be impossible to maintain 50/50 custody at such a distance. How would school work? If they stay in the same school, the commute will be an hour each way when they're with you. If they switch to a school near your new home, it will be an hour each way when they're with him. If you split the difference, it will be half an hour each way (one hour total) no matter who they're with. Even if you volunteer to do all the extra driving (which you should, since you're the one insisting on moving), spending that many hours per week commuting instead of doing homework or seeing friends will be difficult for the children as they get older.

I understand why you'd rather live in the country than where you currently live. I even understand why you think it would be good for the children. But that doesn't outweigh their father's right to participate in raising them to the extent allowed by the court, nor does it outweigh the benefit they get from having two fully involved parents rather than only seeing their father every other weekend. They're much better off having an involved father than they are having a pony or whatever else they'd have in the country.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 11:51

Excellent post @PurpleOkapi

What is controlling and potentially abusive is one parent who has 50/50 thinking the get to remove the DC from the existing arrangement for a pastoral fantasy.

They’re already getting a new sibling, the last thing they need is losing their established relationship with their other parent.

honeylulu · 30/08/2021 11:56

He can't stop you moving; he can potentially stop you moving with the children

You'd have a better chance of moving the children away if you were doing the vast majority of care i.e he had them EOW. Likely you'd be required to do all the travelling though as you chose to move.

However as you're usually 50/50 and he took the point to court, it might well be decided that you couldn't move the children with you. Like I say he couldn't stop YOU moving but he could end up being determined as the resident parent and you seeing them EOW and holidays (and you'd have to pay him CM and you'd probably still have to do all the travelling; and you'll soon have another baby in the mix to complicate things). He may well not want that amount of residency but would you really want to call his bluff? He might go for being RP just to punish you. Controlling men are like that.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 11:57

The fact OP is so flippant about her children's relationship with their father is really concerning.

No way would I let this happen.

BoredZelda · 30/08/2021 12:03

but it's still a separate country to England, which could end up being a problem as the children could end up moving to a whole new school system etc.

Isn't England and Wales treated as the same in terms of UK law, it is all part of the same system.

RedRosie · 30/08/2021 12:08

This happened to my DH, almost thirty years ago. He had his children EOW and at least one night every week. His ex-wife moved almost four hours away when their kids were 3 and 6. She had understandable reasons at the time (wanting to be nearer family) but it was heartbreaking for him, and definitely impacted his relationship with his children, especially the youngest.

He didn't go to court (and back then probably wouldn't have "won") as he was concerned about his ex and wanted to be amicable.

It is very hard - especially back then - to sustain a bond with young children in these circumstances. He spent most of his weekends and his money seeing them for years and years, until they could travel to us independently (his ex wife doesn't drive). He spoke to them every single day.

Things are different now they are grown up. But it was very sad to watch him miss so much of their growing-up for many years, especially as we weren't able to have a child together.

I'm sure you'll do what you want anyway (as people do), but if he is a good father like my DH is - then do think hard about the impact on everyone.

BoredZelda · 30/08/2021 12:12

This happened to my DH, almost thirty years ago

Except it didn't. OP is talking about moving an hour away. Perfectly possible to do 50/50 parenting from that distance.

I have to think if this did ever make it to court, there would be no questioning it as it is just moving close by. No different than someone moving from one side of a city to another.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 12:17

@BoredZelda

This happened to my DH, almost thirty years ago

Except it didn't. OP is talking about moving an hour away. Perfectly possible to do 50/50 parenting from that distance.

I have to think if this did ever make it to court, there would be no questioning it as it is just moving close by. No different than someone moving from one side of a city to another.

How is that possible with children at school??

An hour away is 60 miles to school for half the week.

I would need to leave at 6am, drop the kids off far too early for school to get myself back for my own job.

Not doable and frankly selfish.

JanglyBeads · 30/08/2021 12:25

His threat is controlling but if he went o court or consulted a solicitor he would have an argument for the children staying closer.

What do you think he truly wants, going forward (as opposed to what he says he wants)? Is there a way of giving him that or st least some of it, and you getting what you want?

Or does he just want to make life difficult for you now you’re having a new baby with someone else?

PurpleOkapi · 30/08/2021 12:25

Somehow I doubt OP is planning to spend four hours every day driving back and forth from school while she has a newborn.

MichelleScarn · 30/08/2021 12:27

Are you currently living with your new partner? Am just thinking this will be a HUGE shake up of things for your DC, new house, new baby, new school (if only place in Welsh medium school will this not be in another language too, please correct me if wrong, old neighbour move to Wales kids had to do this).
What do your kids think?

Peanutsandchilli · 30/08/2021 12:43

How would you react if he told you he was taking the kids to live an hour's drive away from you? Do what's right for them and don't subject them to being stuck in the car for hours on end whilst their parents bicker with each other. You chose to have children with this bloke. You need to work with him to ensure your kids aren't affected badly.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 30/08/2021 12:47

To even have a chance you'd have to do all the pick ups and drop offs. Would you be willing to do that?

As much your area may be shit, you can't take your kids away from their dad when they've spent half their time with him. There must be nicer areas closer than that.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 30/08/2021 12:48

I moved just under an hour away. The reality was I drove 500 miles every week keeping to the existing court order.. Not what you want with a new baby..

Californiansunsets · 30/08/2021 12:49

@Fomo41

They are 7 and 10. The area we live in is riddled with crime and antisocial behaviour a d is only getting worse. We have a holiday home near to where I’d like to move, and it’s a much more pleasant area with significantly less crime. I don’t want my children to grow up in an area that they don’t feel safe, falling in with the wrong crowd(which I know can happen anywhere, but the chances increase in a very built up area like the one we live in currently). I want their childhoods to be happy and worry-free, not having police sirens waking them in the night, neighbours wielding machetes at eachother.

So why don't you just move to a different area but not so far away so that your ex is still able to maintain the contact he has at the moment with his children? There must be other areas you can move to that aren't as bad? I understand you want to move to the country but are there no areas near you like that, or, is it a case you have your heart set on a specific area and that's just where you want to go?

2ndtimemum2 · 30/08/2021 12:58

Op if you do move which is possible as its an only hour the big issue is you will be responsible for all the commuting for your ex to see the kids!!! It will be your responsibility to drop and pick up as you made the choice to move. If speak from experience with the courts

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