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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to give the deposit for this particular house?

113 replies

MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 12:30

Aibu to get involved and stop my sister (Anna) from buying her son (my nephew-Brian) the house next door?

Anna is a very strong character, single parent for many years but now has a lovely partner, but she wears the trousers in everything (and did so when we were growing up, very driven, confident and wants what she wants)

Brian (going into year 9, so 13 nearly 14) is the polar opposite, lovely quiet kid but prone to anxiety, worries more than normal but certainly not crippling, attends school doing well. Has a select group of friends that Anna approves of but isn't allowed to socialise freely, isn't allowed down the park or beach etc only allowed around approved households or when she is with him. Our parents have mentioned that Brian needs more freedom but Anna disagrees.

Now the issue, I've agreed (a long time ago, but more than happy to do so) to put a deposit down on a house, which will be rented out until Brian is old enough to live there. The money is from a house sale elsewhere in the country and I now have the funds.

I have found a great house in the same area but Anna has been talking to the neighbours and has found out they are planning on selling and wants to buy this house. I feel this will become an extension of Anna's house and that Brian won't actually ever be able to move out. Anna says that his anxiety means that he won't be able to live apart from her, but I feel she smothers him.

AIBU to get involved, and I should let Anna buy the house next door or

AINBU and it is reasonable to not release the funds so that Brian can have a place nearby but not next door

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 27/08/2021 12:33

Will the house belong to Brian? I think that's key really.

Coconutscrub · 27/08/2021 12:33

YA BOTH BU

I think you should wait until Brian is a fully fledged adult and let him rule his own life.

Mosaic123 · 27/08/2021 12:35

If the house is solely in Brian's name he will be able to sell it when he is an adult so maybe no need to worry.

Alternista · 27/08/2021 12:35

Why on earth is anyone buying a house for a 13 year old to live as an adult?

Let him grow up and make his own decisions. Give him the money at that point if you want to.

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2021 12:36

Poor Brian. His mother is undoubtedly the root cause of his anxiety.

Original poster
MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 12:37

@Pootles34

Will the house belong to Brian? I think that's key really.
Yes, financially it will be his. I worry though that he will not be able to go anywhere or do anything without my sister seeing (everyone would go past her house to get to Brian's)
OP posts:
Kiduknot · 27/08/2021 12:37

Poor Brian.

I agree it wouldn’t be kind to buy him the house next door.

mafted · 27/08/2021 12:38

I think you should wait until Brian is old enough to make the choice for himself.

MiniCooperLover · 27/08/2021 12:39

Dreadful idea 😳 She's determined to keep him wrapped up like a baby. Surely anxiety isn't a big enough reason for her to assume he can never live independently? Has he ever been diagnosed with any special needs?

RaininSummer · 27/08/2021 12:40

Could the money be invested and in a trust so that when Brian is a bit older this can be discussed with him?

Pantsomime · 27/08/2021 12:40

You are right say no- just say to your mind leaving home and being independent means a car journey from the nest - out of sight, out of mind, therefore forcing thinking and providing for oneself -it’s too easy to nip home for washing/cooking/ forgot to buy this or that, can I borrow etc- make it about him growing up not your sister being round there everyday- you could also throw in not wanting to hear him shagging all night long through the walls- otherwise stay neutral on specifics - it’s your money and if she disagrees with your thought process tough - you spend and think how you like

saleorbouy · 27/08/2021 12:42

Poor Brian, he'll need to fly the nest and get further than the first branch.
Being smothered will not help him learn and cope with adult life.
Perhaps he should have some day in the house he is being offered?
YANBU

RubyGoat · 27/08/2021 12:42

Poor little bugger. No wonder he has anxiety. Put the money in trust for him, wait until he grows up, then release it so he can buy a house wherever he feels comfortable, if he wants.

Original poster
MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 12:53

@Alternista

Why on earth is anyone buying a house for a 13 year old to live as an adult?

Let him grow up and make his own decisions. Give him the money at that point if you want to.

It will be Brian's to do with as he pleases, he can sell, he can rent it out -it will be his, the reason I want to put it into property is because the return is better and safer than many other options. Financial planning means I don't want to hold on to the money.

To those that say he can just sell it, I'm just worried that if it becomes an extension of his home he will never get that freedom.

Brian doesn't know that it will be his so not involved in decision on which house. If you asked him now he would say what his mum wanted.

OP posts:
FirewomanSam · 27/08/2021 12:53

Gosh, 13 is very young to be bought a house that you’re supposed to live in when you’re an adult. How do you know he won’t move away for university or for a job? Even if he’s anxious and a worrier at that age you have no idea what he’ll be like as an adult. Plenty of shy kids find their confidence when they’re a bit older.

Either way, please don’t buy him a house next door to his mum. She sounds extremely controlling, even if it is coming from a place of love, and this would only make things ten times worse.

Original poster
MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 12:54

But maybe trust is the way forward, at least it will give him options, and dilute the coming argument with my sister.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 27/08/2021 12:57

You’re right so say no. Also maybe don’t let him touch the trust money until hes old enough to be mature and have flown the coop properly

plodalong12 · 27/08/2021 13:01

Why are you even contemplating buying a house for a 13 year old?? ConfusedConfused Talk about stifling. How do you know he won’t want to live halfway across the other side of the world to get away from the smothering ?

Kiduknot · 27/08/2021 13:01

You say it will be his but surely a child can’t hold property?
Will his mother be able to prevent a sale? Who will get rental income etc whilst he’s still a child?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/08/2021 13:02

Apart from the notion of buying a house for a 13yo being utter madness (yes I know his to do with in the future etc), how will this work in practice?

So, you're providing the deposit. Who is taking out the mortgage?

That obviously influences on how it becomes 'Brian's' house.

If it's you, you presumably plan that the rent will cover the mortgage. But what about any unforeseen issues like a gap in tenants, and then there's the upkeep ... and if your own circumstances change, and having a mortgage against your name proves problematic.

The whole thing is massively bonkers. It's kind of you to want to care for Brian, set up a trust instead.

Original poster
MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 13:04

@plodalong12

Why are you even contemplating buying a house for a 13 year old?? ConfusedConfused Talk about stifling. How do you know he won’t want to live halfway across the other side of the world to get away from the smothering ?
He can sell it to fund the move, I know my op said live in because I was thinking more short term but he may never want to live in it and that is fine. As to why, I've been very fortunate and I can give him an enviable start in adult hood. I will have no control on what he does with the house, he could gift it to Cats protection if he wants. I'm just concerned my sisters influence will be hard to shake.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 13:06

You're as bad as Anna. If you want to give him the money, put it in a trust fund until he's 18/21.

Margo34 · 27/08/2021 13:06

Buy a house yourself with your money (the next door one, if you want) and rent it out, any proceeds ploughed back in to maintain the property or put in savings for Brian later on - don't know if you can do this in Trust for Brian, worth checking.

When Brian is old enough and ready to own a property, sell the house and gift to Brian to reinvest in a property of his choosing.

His mother has nothing to do with it as its not for her benefit now or later, it's for Brian.

Original poster
MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 13:08

@EarringsandLipstick

Apart from the notion of buying a house for a 13yo being utter madness (yes I know his to do with in the future etc), how will this work in practice?

So, you're providing the deposit. Who is taking out the mortgage?

That obviously influences on how it becomes 'Brian's' house.

If it's you, you presumably plan that the rent will cover the mortgage. But what about any unforeseen issues like a gap in tenants, and then there's the upkeep ... and if your own circumstances change, and having a mortgage against your name proves problematic.

The whole thing is massively bonkers. It's kind of you to want to care for Brian, set up a trust instead.

I fully accept you thinking it is bonkers, and many have said put in trust and I am seriously considering this as it will solve the present problem but financially it will not be as profitable.

Regards the intricacies of the financial set up, it will be Brian's, I'm confident that all that is covered (including all eventualities) It's my sister and the house location that is the issue.

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 27/08/2021 13:09

He can sell it to fund the move, I know my op said live in because I was thinking more short term but he may never want to live in it and that is fine. As to why, I've been very fortunate and I can give him an enviable start in adult hood.

I understand that, and it’s very generous, but that is a massive hold to hang over someone. There are countless house threads on here every day from grown adults with entire families, never mind a teenager with no real life experience at all. If you have the means to be generous, why not just wait and hold the money for when he decides what to do with it? (I realise it’s Anna driving this but she’s not here so I’m directing the questions at you lol).