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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to give the deposit for this particular house?

113 replies

MissMarpleTheMurderer · 27/08/2021 12:30

Aibu to get involved and stop my sister (Anna) from buying her son (my nephew-Brian) the house next door?

Anna is a very strong character, single parent for many years but now has a lovely partner, but she wears the trousers in everything (and did so when we were growing up, very driven, confident and wants what she wants)

Brian (going into year 9, so 13 nearly 14) is the polar opposite, lovely quiet kid but prone to anxiety, worries more than normal but certainly not crippling, attends school doing well. Has a select group of friends that Anna approves of but isn't allowed to socialise freely, isn't allowed down the park or beach etc only allowed around approved households or when she is with him. Our parents have mentioned that Brian needs more freedom but Anna disagrees.

Now the issue, I've agreed (a long time ago, but more than happy to do so) to put a deposit down on a house, which will be rented out until Brian is old enough to live there. The money is from a house sale elsewhere in the country and I now have the funds.

I have found a great house in the same area but Anna has been talking to the neighbours and has found out they are planning on selling and wants to buy this house. I feel this will become an extension of Anna's house and that Brian won't actually ever be able to move out. Anna says that his anxiety means that he won't be able to live apart from her, but I feel she smothers him.

AIBU to get involved, and I should let Anna buy the house next door or

AINBU and it is reasonable to not release the funds so that Brian can have a place nearby but not next door

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/08/2021 14:41

Don’t saddle the poor lad with all this hassle- it’s an absolute poisoned chalice.

Better to get proper legal advice about putting the money in trust until he is an adult (say 21+), so that your sister isn’t involved at all.

Teamfemale · 27/08/2021 14:45

Brian is going to be the new Norman Bates.

peboh · 27/08/2021 14:49

He's far too young to be buying a house for. What if when he turns 18 moves away for uni, and never comes home? You're putting far too much onto a child's head.
Put the money in a trust. He can then choose to buy a property of his own wherever he wants when he's old enough to make the decision himself.

LockdownLisa · 27/08/2021 14:53

I was thinking of money, the posters that say I could also be restricting his future choices have been really helpful. I want to widen not shrink his world

This is what I love about MN - it's so easy to get fixated on something (in this case, you KNOW buying a house for him is the best option, it's just the location that's the issue) but after chatting with disinterested strangers, it makes you think seriously about the drawbacks of this course of action.

I too think a trust of some type is the best course of action. I can imagine him thinking 'I'll just move into this house for a couple of years while I decide what I want to do with my life' and 10 years later, he's still there, under his mother's thumb. Whereas with a decent lump/income, he could travel, move to another city etc...

You sound like a lovely aunt who has her nephew's best interests at heart; he's lucky to have somebody like you in his life.

SoftSheen · 27/08/2021 14:55

I agree with PP. Use the money to set up a trust fund DN can access when he's 21. Don't use your sister as one of the trustees. Or, buy an investment property in a different area of the country...

listsandbudgets · 27/08/2021 14:56

@LegoCaltrops

Poor little bugger. No wonder he has anxiety. Put the money in trust for him, wait until he grows up, then release it so he can buy a house wherever he feels comfortable, if he wants.
This is exactly what I was going to say. No doubt, Brian will be very grateful to be given help up the housing ladder when he is older but he needs some choice. Supposing he gets a job abroad or at the other end of the country - certainly he can sell the house next door but it seems likely from what you've said that he'll come under emotional pressure not to.

Also there are always risks that come with being a landlord and having to pay mortgages - we don't know what will happen to interest rates for example or whether a tenant will not pay the rent and the will have to be a costly eviction during which time the mortgage might be defaulted on.

Invest it in trust in a diverse portfolio until he's finished university / hits 21 and is ready to decide where he wants to live.

DustyMaiden · 27/08/2021 15:01

Are you trying to avoid tax? You are forcing him to own a house he knows nothing about.

A minor can’t enter into a letting agreement.

beigebrownblue · 27/08/2021 15:10

I wouldn't worrry.

Brian will rebel soon enough quite effectively on his own.

That is what teenagers do.

The mother in question will get the shock of her life when he is 14/15/16

I don't envy her actually, the process of growing up is an adjustment for parents and mothers too, and if she doesn't make friends with that process she will be in for no end of trouble (and stress).

Jemand · 27/08/2021 15:12

Your money, your choice.

FAQs · 27/08/2021 15:18

Brian you have your mother and aunt making decisions for you which should be yours, run Brian, run!

Fizzbangwallop · 27/08/2021 15:19

It sounds as though the best thing you could do is buy Brian a house that is located at least an hour away, rather than next door to his mother Smile

R0SEMARY · 27/08/2021 16:48

@Alternista

Why on earth is anyone buying a house for a 13 year old to live as an adult?

Let him grow up and make his own decisions. Give him the money at that point if you want to.

This. Or invest in a buy to let and save any profit for his education. Let him decide where he wants to live as an adult.

You will need tax and legal advice of course

HighNetGirth · 27/08/2021 16:55

Money is freedom, a house is a tie. Give Brian money, not a house.

Oogachuckachopsy · 27/08/2021 17:01

Why are you buying Brian a house?! Confused

To have such aunts…

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2021 17:06

God why does she think he will never be able to live apart from her? That’s horrific. Of course you can’t buy the house next door. Christ, that’s like a life sentence. Put the money in trust or buy it someplace else and gift it to him to sell, rent out or do as he pleases with. Both of you deciding where he will live is appalling.

Loudestcat14 · 27/08/2021 17:11

I imagine you wouldn't be able to put a 13-year-old's name on the deeds of a house without a trust in place, so you may as well put the money in a trust and wait off buying the house until he's older. If he's got any sense, it'll be in Australia, far away from his controlling mum and aunt.

Nayday · 27/08/2021 17:40

You're buying the house as an investment to gift to Brian - buy the house you want/deem to be a good investment.

There are far to many changeable life factors to judge whether Brian, at 13, will actually ever live in any particular house as an adult (education, jobs, relationships, adult house moves, illness, etc). If Brian at 18 really wants to live next to his mum, he'll be able to sell any house and move.

So YANBU to decide which house your money buys, but everyone is BU to think they know where future, adult Brian will live, when currently he's a child.

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 27/08/2021 18:00

Is the house actually a good investment? Is it in an area with high demand and relatively high rents?

It's easy to say he can sell it if he pleases, but in doing so he will have to actively stand up to his mum, you are putting him in a way harder situation than you are in, having to say no to this.

You are also ruining his chance at an easy love life, with Anna watching his every move through the window, can you imagine?

You need to either look for a good investment, or put it in trust until he chooses where he wants to live. You cannot give him such an emotionally heavy gift, it's not fair.

PrincessNutella · 27/08/2021 18:04

Don't do it. You can help him buy a house--someday.

thelastgoldeneagle · 27/08/2021 19:04

Get some financial advice for other options for the money. If you bought the house, you'd have to maintain it, pay taxes on it, etc., until Brian was ready to move into it. Much much better to give him a lump sum when he becomes an adult, then Brian can do what HE wants with his life, not what you and his mum want.

DeathStare · 27/08/2021 19:14

If you are paying the deposit, who is paying for the rest of the house? I think this is pivotal because if your sister is going to pay the mortgage then yes she has some say in which house it should be.

Like pp have said though I think this is an absurd situation where your well meaning gesture may actually end up limiting your nephew.

In terms of an investment you might be better spending some money on family therapy and I'm not meaning that flippantly. No house/money/deposit can take away the life-changing impact of having your mother spend your teenage years making you believe you can never live independently from her. The biggest help you could ever give Brian is giving him the psychological means to live independently, not a house.

ShingleBeach · 27/08/2021 19:14

Why not pay the money into a LISA in his name? Good Gvt bonus, good interest rates. Or a S&S ISA for him?

Doing it this way you will pay the higher stamp duty, CGT, tax on the rental income…..

EarringsandLipstick · 27/08/2021 19:25

@MissMarpleTheMurderer

I didn't mean you were a troll by saying I found the scenario you described unbelievable.

I was asking how on Earth it could happen; there's clearly no way you can buy a house for a 13 yo, and trying to do so would incur a raft of legal & financial implications which could impact both you & Brian. Your coyness about answering is telling - there's no way this is a simple kind-hearted act if buying your nephew a house, much as you may love him. There are clearly other issues at play that you're not disclosing.

Which is fine but then there's not a lot of point in posting - although you say the issue is your sister & her control over Brian, really as you couldn't do what you propose anyway, it's not the issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

FlumpsAreShit · 27/08/2021 19:29

Could you start a pension for Brian instead? Compound interest is a powerful thing and it won't tie him anywhere but he will think fondly of his old aunt when he can retire earlier/comfortably!

FlumpsAreShit · 27/08/2021 19:31

Also I feel sorry for his future partner and bet if MN is still alive and kicking in another 15 years your sister will be the subject of one hell of a MIL thread Grin

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