Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS underage drinking

175 replies

Dsandthedrink · 27/08/2021 11:26

DS is 17 in November and about to start a levels. To cut a long story short last night he told me he was going out with some friends (technically true). He wasn’t back until about half 11 but went straight to bed so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. It turns out he was in the pub last night with a group of other underage friends I was told this by a friend who’s (adult) son also happened to be there. I am very disappointed in DS what he did was both illegal and stupid. Aibu to ask how to punish him for this?

OP posts:
Newmum29 · 27/08/2021 23:29

You’re being ridiculous

Onefelloutofthecuckoonest · 27/08/2021 23:41

OP - I had a similar reaction when my DS did the same thing. A good friend told me that the most constructive thing to do (given that they're likely going to drink regardless) was to discuss with him his safe options if something ever went wrong. Basically, the key is that you should never blame or punish them if they are honest with you.
So, for example, if one of his friends has too much to drink, or if he has too much to drink etc, YOU should be someone he and his mates could call if there's a problem. You helicopter them out, no questions asked. It's difficult to digest, but it's a plan that's in place with my DS and his friends and their mums (the boys have all the mums' numbers: "no questions asked").
It's a minefield. There's no right way of dealing with it, but there are ways of making it less difficult.
Good luck.

ManifestDestinee · 28/08/2021 03:09

@Dsandthedrink

Having read all the comments it sounds like the consensus is that I have overreacted. I am just a little shocked that he went to a pub underage and drank but perhaps I shouldn’t have been. DS has always been very shy and good (he only ever got 1 detention at school) so I wasn’t really expecting this but clearly I should have done.
You haven't OP, you've just wandered into the Cool Mums area. In the real world,16 year old boys drinking in pubs with their friends is entirely frowned upon. Of course you weren't expecting it....it's not at all normal or usual behavior.

Punishment for DS and reporting the pub for serving children is your next move.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/08/2021 03:26

@ManifestDestinee

I don't agree that OP has wandered into the cool mums' area and that all other people would frown upon it. I'm not saying that is right or wrong but you can't deny that teen drinking in this country is very common (rightly Or wrongly) and the vast majority of parents wouldn't bat an eyelid at that situation.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/08/2021 03:27

And punishment? Seriously!!

ManifestDestinee · 28/08/2021 03:30

I'm not saying that is right or wrong but you can't deny that teen drinking in this country is very common (rightly Or wrongly) and the vast majority of parents wouldn't bat an eyelid at that situation

Might be in your country, its not in mine. It's common because you don't bat an eyelid, you might as well bring them down and buy them a shot.

Meanwhile, in countries that don't have such epic binge drinking issues, 16 year old boys do not drink in pubs with the encouragement of their mothers, who thinks its perfectly normal because they were even worse. Look around you, ffs, you're the reason your country is famous for vomiting in the streets outside nightclubs....

ManifestDestinee · 28/08/2021 03:32

I'm not saying that is right or wrong but you can't deny that teen drinking in this country is very common (rightly Or wrongly)

Oh, and since you seem so confused on this point, I'll help you out. It's wrong. Teen drinking is wrong. As in it's not right. Hope that helps.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/08/2021 03:41

@ManifestDestinee

No confusion here thanks so no need to clear that one up for me. Yes absolutely we do have an issue with drinking in this country hence my 'rightly or wrongly' comment. I was simply pointing out the fact that it's common whether people like it or not.

Of course it's against the law. This does not need pointing out!

vodkaredbullgirl · 28/08/2021 03:44

Oh god I was going to night clubs at 16, mind you that was back in the 80's.

Magenta82 · 28/08/2021 03:49

Totally normal behaviour, the sad thing is that he was worried enough about your reaction that he felt the need to hide it from you in the first place!

You would do much better to have a conversation with him about safety and limits and to suggest he tells you when he is going out so you know where he is if there is a problem. Much better to be able to talk to him and have an open and honest relationship. This will also mean he can call you if there is an issue and you can pick him up if it comes to it and know he will be safe.

ManifestDestinee · 28/08/2021 04:00

Of course it's against the law. This does not need pointing out!

Apparently it does. Thank god their are laws to do what all the parents on this thread should be doing and clearly are not! Didn't you know that its your job to keep your kids safe and stop them doing things you shouldn't? How are there so many women pretending that 16 year boys in pubs, breaking the law and drinking underage are doing nothing wrong? Are you all drunk?

vodkaredbullgirl · 28/08/2021 04:26

I wish but on my 3rd night shift.

tiredmama2020 · 28/08/2021 05:04

@Dsandthedrink

Having read all the comments it sounds like the consensus is that I have overreacted. I am just a little shocked that he went to a pub underage and drank but perhaps I shouldn’t have been. DS has always been very shy and good (he only ever got 1 detention at school) so I wasn’t really expecting this but clearly I should have done.
@Dsandthedrink Hes still good OP 👍🏻 The “bad” version of this is drinking in the park and you getting a call to come and get him as he’s too intoxicated to move and is throwing up everywhere. Completely agree with most other posters - it’s really not a big deal. He sounds like he knew his limits and was home at a reasonable time. I certainly wouldn’t be actively encouraging him to be drinking underage but I wouldn’t be punishing him for what he’s done. Have a chat with him in the morning - let him know you know he was at the pub and talk to him about knowing his limits etc.
longerevenings · 28/08/2021 05:09

I think it needs to be recognized that a lot of the people on this thread have talked about their own teenage drinking.

Individuals, particularly those from different cultures may find this jarring but it is a normal part of UK culture.

So trying to import different cultural values is going to be difficult if not impossible.

Any culture has areas which are normal in their culture and raise eyebrows outside of it.

In the UK there are actually circumstances where teens under 18 could legally drink in a pub or restaurant.

Culturally a couple of drinks underage in a pub aren't going to cause that much comment. Nothing to do with being cool, just a social norm.

hardboiledeggs · 28/08/2021 08:11

He’s 17, no wonder he didn’t tell you with how you are reacting. He’s in a pub safe, at 14 I was in a park drinking, trust me this is better

PigletJohn · 28/08/2021 08:20

@hardboiledeggs "He’s 17"

No he isn't.

Notanotherusernamenow · 28/08/2021 08:20

I was drinking in parks at 14 and pubs from 15/16. Had a fake ID for clubs at 17.

Have a phd and am a senior lecturer at a fairly prestigious university. He sounds way more sensible than me so, personally, I think you’re overreacting!

hardboiledeggs · 28/08/2021 08:29

@PigletJohn just over two months off 17 then, would you like it broke down into days? He’s closer to 17 than 16, still stand by my comment.

sub453 · 28/08/2021 08:56

To the posters that think we're being negligent by letting our 17 years olds drink. Firstly, it is legal in some circumstances (I can buy my son a drink with a meal in a pub for example). I talk to a lot of friends with older children and drugs are far more prevalent than drink for my children's generation.

I would far rather my 17 year old son had a couple of beers than popped a pill which could have absolutely anything in it. He works hard at school, he plays a lot of sport and two or three beers are not going to be the undoing of him on the odd night out with friends.

Teens do not tend to be puritanical and perfect creatures. We all pick our battles and allowing them a bit of freedom seems to be a better approach, when we can monitor it and have a word if it gets out of hand. After all, we're not going to be around to supervise when they get to university.

Debetswell · 28/08/2021 09:09

@ManifestDestinee are you in the US?
Teens just drink secretly there so my friend tells me.
I drank in pubs in the 1970's as a teen. During school lunch break.
The boys got caned.
We still did it again.
When my ds was 17 he asked me to buy him half a bottle of vodka to go out with his mates.
I agreed as I preferred to know what he was drinking and how much. They shared it and he brought some back ( it wasn't water I checked discreetly).

a8mint · 28/08/2021 09:30

Stop treating him like a baby!

Twittootwat · 28/08/2021 11:16

I was out clubbing at 15. Not ideal, but wasn’t uncommon back then when security were a bit lacking. I thought things were a bit tighter nowadays. I don’t think it’s crime of the century, and too be honest they were probably well behaved so they didn’t draw attention to themselves and get kicked out.

ManifestDestinee · 28/08/2021 12:58

[quote Debetswell]@ManifestDestinee are you in the US?
Teens just drink secretly there so my friend tells me.
I drank in pubs in the 1970's as a teen. During school lunch break.
The boys got caned.
We still did it again.
When my ds was 17 he asked me to buy him half a bottle of vodka to go out with his mates.
I agreed as I preferred to know what he was drinking and how much. They shared it and he brought some back ( it wasn't water I checked discreetly).[/quote]
No, I am not. I have a 17 year old (not 16, for those that can#t tell the difference) and he does not drink. None of his friends drink.

Why are grown women repeatingly boasting about their own dangerous behavior, as if there is some relevance? "Never did me any harm"...you all sound like old biddies claiming smoking and caning is fine as they survived it, or stupid old men saying you don't need a seat belt because they didn't use to have them.

Children shouldn't be drinking alcohol. You're idiots normalising this behavior and legitimising it because you were equally stupid, or stupider.

Shade17 · 28/08/2021 13:13

I have a 17 year old (not 16, for those that can#t tell the difference) and he does not drink. None of his friends drink.

That you know of. I’d suggest that most British 17 year olds drink at least occasionally. As for legitimising it, it’s perfectly legal for them to drink at home or in a pub with a meal - sounds like a pretty legit activity to me.

esloquehay · 28/08/2021 13:21

@ManifestDestinee, you sound like a wonderful parent; indeed, you have raised a paragon of virtue.
Shame on us UK mother's, the majority of whom are feckless alcoholics, raising a further generation of debauched degenerates, freely regurgitating the intoxicating liquors they have imbibed; our streets are awash with vomit...