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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are married / with long term partner could you have been happy single?

128 replies

Jennyennidots · 26/08/2021 20:42

I’m single and pretty happy. I would quite like a partner but honestly I don’t know if I can be bothered. Maybe this is a sign I should stay single.

If you had never met your DP/DH, do you think you could have been a happy singleton? Or do you think you would have continued to look until you found somebody else to be in a relationship with?

(disregarding children… assume you could have had the children on your own!)

YABU - I would have kept looking till I met somebody else

YANBU- I would have been happy on my own.

Thanks!

OP posts:

Dizzywizz · 26/08/2021 20:45

Interesting question op…now I’m married (and been with oh since a teenager) I feel I could have been happy single. Perhaps if I’d been single for longer I’d want to be married??!! Who knows.

LimeRedBanana · 26/08/2021 20:50

I think I would have been very lonely. And I say this as someone who needs a bit of alone time every day to recharge!

I don’t think I would have liked it.

But if anything happens to DH (touch wood), I can’t see myself getting into another relationship.

Interesting question!

dun1urkin · 26/08/2021 20:55

I thought about this a lot a few years ago when my DH had what was thought at the time to be a terminal illness.

I thought long and hard, DH was very open in his support that I should, if I chose to ‘look for someone else’.

In the end I concluded that I probably wouldn’t ‘look’ and would be very happy single.

(Very, very fortunately he does not have a terminal illness and I hope to have him around for a decent stretch)

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/08/2021 21:00

I was very happily single for a long time, met someone, had a relationship, was pretty miserable, and have concluded that, overall, I am much happier single so besides the odd shag here and there will remain partner free for the rest of my life. I feel claustrophobic in a relationship.

GunsNShips · 26/08/2021 21:00

I’m the same as LimeRedBanana.

I don’t enjoy being on my own, I need someone to off load to, someone to share a meme I’ve just seen online with, someone to discuss a mumsnet post with etc. I’m also a bit of a scaredy cat and don’t like being home on my own, but I guess I would get used to that.

That said, should anything happen to DH, i’d not look to replace him. I think I’m too set in my ways now.

notanothertakeaway · 26/08/2021 21:02

I was single for longer than I would have chosen. Now happily married. But if my DH died, or we separated, I think I would cope on my own

CareerOrBaby · 26/08/2021 21:02

I could definitely be happy on my own, I have great friends and I have hobbies and love time alone.
But I think I'd get lonely in the long run. I do like having someone to "share" life with. My uncle holidays alone etc and I know that wouldn't be for me cause I love sharing those moments.

Original poster

Jennyennidots · 26/08/2021 21:03

@dun1urkin

I thought about this a lot a few years ago when my DH had what was thought at the time to be a terminal illness.

I thought long and hard, DH was very open in his support that I should, if I chose to ‘look for someone else’.

In the end I concluded that I probably wouldn’t ‘look’ and would be very happy single.

(Very, very fortunately he does not have a terminal illness and I hope to have him around for a decent stretch)

I’m glad your husband is okay @dun1urkin

OP posts:

Hellocatshome · 26/08/2021 21:04

I dont know as I have been with DH since 18 so I'm not sure if I know what single adult life is really like. I think if for some reason I became single now I wouldn't actively look.for another partner but thats more because I'm lazy than anything else.

Northernsoullover · 26/08/2021 21:06

I have a partner who I love dearly but I know I would be happy single if we split and certainly wouldn't look for anyone. This feeling of life satisfaction had coincided with the onset of menopause.
Ten years ago I would have baulked at the thought of a single life.

sauvignonblue · 26/08/2021 21:08

I always found it hard to be single, which led me to stay in less than ideal relationships. But now I've been married for 15 years I often dream about living alone!

ElspethFlashman · 26/08/2021 21:09

No, I wasn't great pre-DH.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and DH has really been the one thing that has kept it at bay all these years.

I also have adhd and can be forgetful and scatty. I'd forget to put petrol in the car, forget what I came into the supermarket for etc. He's really supportive and reminds me of a lot of stuff and encourages me in my memory strategies and list making etc.

I fully believe that if I stayed single my mental health would be in the toilet tbh.

Crunchymum · 26/08/2021 21:09

I wish I'd utilised my 'young, free and single' time more but I'm pretty sure if it wasn't DP, it would have been someone else. I wanted that bond, that companionship, that closeness. I wanted a partner, a family, someone to share my life with.

Now we're 15 years down the line (and several homes, several kids and several pets) and I'd do anything for some proper peace and solitude

whatswithtodaytoday · 26/08/2021 21:10

If I were still young and hadn't met my partner I think I would have kept looking for someone - I wanted someone to share my life with. But now I'm older I think I'd probably stay single and be quite happy. I can't see me doing online dating and hunting for someone.

lazylinguist · 26/08/2021 21:11

I've been happily married for 18 years. If I were to find myself single now, for whatever reason, I'm certain I'd stay that way, and would be fine (aside from the trauma of whatever caused me to become single in the first place iyswim!).

But I don't think I'd have been happy to have always remained single, because I would always have had the feeling that I was missing out on a happy married life.

afrikat · 26/08/2021 21:12

I am married to the most amazing man I've ever known. I have 2 gorgeous children who I love more than anything. But I know, had I not met this man and stayed single, I would have been happy alone. Sometimes I even crave that life of living alone, not having to worry about anyone else (then feel horrifically guilty)

Ragwort · 26/08/2021 21:14

Yes! And I am sure my DH would say the same .

Married over 30 years now, comfortable lifestyle and large house so we have plenty of 'space' but I just love being on my own, holidaying alone, just doing my own thing, there is almost nothing we enjoy doing together. It almost feels 'claustrophobic' ... I doubt we would separate now, but the relationship has really run its course

HoboSexualOnslow · 26/08/2021 21:14

I'd have been happy single. It took someone special for me to consider partnering up.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/08/2021 21:14

I could be very happy single. In fact although I am (generally) happy with my boyfriend I often wonder whether I would be happier on my own.

I’m not cut out for cohabitation, I find it unbearably stifling and will never do it again. I enjoy relationships where there is a lot of independence and autonomy but anything too like dependence I find very difficult. The reason why my current relationship works (for now) is that there is no pressure or expectation on either side that we are “moving towards” anything (marriage etc).

I think my natural state is single but with sex and a bit of companionship thrown in to alleviate the boredom but I love being alone. So it’s a yes from me.

Collidascope · 26/08/2021 21:14

I was actually very happy being single (I'm pretty introverted) but now I don't think I'd want to keep living if my husband died.

Furrydogmum · 26/08/2021 21:15

I adore the DH I have.. and the 2 (now adult) children we have had. Who knows how any other relationship would have turned out.. I'm certainly not easy to live with 😬

freelions · 26/08/2021 21:18

I've been married nearly 20 years

Back in my single days (early 20s) I was desperate to be coupled up if I'm honest but I would very happily be single now and daydream about it quite a lot!

My DH is a decent and honest man but if he left or died I would have no desire to live with a man again!

IShouldBeSoLurky · 26/08/2021 21:19

At the time DP and I got together I was early 30s, recently out of a disastrous train wreck of a marriage and my self confidence was in buts. We were friends before and I think if we hadn’t ended up together I’d have had a series of pretty grim relationships because I just wasn’t ready to be single. Now, 15 years later, if something were to happen to him I’d happily be single for the foreseeable.

Hekatestorch · 26/08/2021 21:20

I was happy single and could be again.

I met dp a while after I left my abusive exh. I had learned to love being single. Just me and the kids. Then we started a fwb set up and it went from there.

I, 100% know I could be single again. I don't ever worry about splitting or how that would negatively impacted me.

I just realised I wanted to be with dp more than I wanted to be single. But my world wouldn't end if he left.

Ragwort · 26/08/2021 21:21

To add to my comment, one of my siblings has remained single all their life, no significant relationships (that we are aware of!) ... of all our family seems the most content, managed to retire early, mortgage paid off, lovely lifestyle, lives in a beautiful part of the country in a very nice home, plenty of hobbies, interests and friends ....and peace and quiet at home ... seems like a perfect lifestyle.

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