If you are married / with long term partner could you have been happy single?

[Jennyennidots]

I’m single and pretty happy. I would quite like a partner but honestly I don’t know if I can be bothered. Maybe this is a sign I should stay single.

If you had never met your DP/DH, do you think you could have been a happy singleton? Or do you think you would have continued to look until you found somebody else to be in a relationship with?

(disregarding children… assume you could have had the children on your own!)

YABU - I would have kept looking till I met somebody else

YANBU- I would have been happy on my own.

Thanks!

Between the ages of 16 and 26 I had 9 months single. It was great at first, but got shit fairly quickly if I hadn't pulled. All my mates were coupled up, which didn't help.

I like male attention. I like sex with men. Due to age difference and if we continue as we are, I reckon I'm going to be single from my 60s. It's going to be shit.

There are plenty of men in the world - I’m not so pretentious to think that DP is the only person for me and I’d never get along with anyone else 😎
Of course I’d rather be in a single than settle down with just any man. But I like cuddles and attention and I can’t cuddle myself 😂

I’d have been fine. I own my own house, have a lovely job with wonderful colleagues, my friends are great, I get on really well with my sister and parents and we all live very close together. I have one 8yo son and we are very alike so he’s a good partner in crime for day trips etc.

I travel for work so am used to eating/travelling alone. I like to go to the cinema etc alone and I am not a big fan of compromise!

I was single for about 3 years after my ExP and I split up and it was the not seeing my son everyday that killed me not the lack of a partner.

I always wanted a family so wouldn’t have wanted to be single but now I’m older if dh and split up I think I’d be happier single but with boyfriends not living in my house but I’d definitely still want a busy household.

I have felt a shift over the past few years to this way of thinking (in the depths of perimenopause whereas prior to this I would have dreaded becoming single). Interesting how things change. So many of us are saying we would be happy to remain single should something happen to our partners/husband.

This is very true.

I often say I spent the first 30 years looking for a bloke and the next 20 trying to get rid of them.

I love my boyfriend but the idea of living with him fills me with absolute horror.

There's something gloriously liberating about the thought of not having to look after someone, not having to put their needs first and for their opinions/tastes not to impinge upon your life. I hated being married. A large amount of that was due to being married to the wrong man but I don't think that's the whole story; a significant part was just hating the limitations on me and my life and feeling overwhelmed and trapped by the institution.

One of the joys of approaching the end of your childbearing years is the gradual lifting of that sense that you are not succeeding if you're attached to a bloke. It's bloody glorious not having to give a tinker's cuss about them and their needs and opinions at every turn.

So many of us are saying we would be happy to remain single should something happen to our partners/husband.

It is interesting, isn’t it? I am not peri-m yet, but will be soon.

I think once women get to mid-life - and if circumstances force it - many would prefer to go it alone. It would be the simpler option. They know they would cope just fine, and it would be easier than taking on another man, so to speak.

On the flip side, men who reach mid/late life and suddenly find themselves single, often rush to couple straight up again. This is a mass generalisation of course, but I don’t think many feel they could cope. Running a house and just being. It’s too much for them.

My own DF was widowered in his 60s and didn’t get into another relationship, so I know it’s not a given.

But you see it so often. A relationship has barely ended for whatever reason, and the man has literally coupled straight up again. They need someone to look after them.

Whereas women don’t want to be doing more ‘looking after’!

My long term partner (over 6 years) has never even lived with me as I enjoy being on my own much 😂

So much *

I loved being single when I was, loved my own company, had great craic, enjoyable single life. But I was in my 20s then.
I’ve been married 11 years and I love being married, love my husband and love being part of a team and family unit. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed single life as much had I still found myself single at 38 after more than a decade of “being” single.

That being said, if anything happened between DH and I, I doubt I’d look for anyone else because I like my independence. Any new relationship would because because I “choose” it, but never because I “need” it.

Yes I could be single and happily enjoying my own company.
I was single for years and sometimes felt lonely leading to dates with guys I wasn't very attracted to.

I was in a relationship from being very young right through to being 30, and then I was single (dating/shorter relationships notwithstanding) for a long time and now I’m married.

I’m happily married but honestly I was just as happy single really, maybe in a different way and I did get lonely at times and I definitely longed for a relationship and family of my own. I have that now and it’s lovely and I’m very grateful but I still get sad, frustrated, down, even lonely at times - just about different things if that makes sense.

If I ever found myself without DH I wouldn’t pursue another relationship I don’t think, not a cohabiting one anyway.

I really wanted to have a family so I think I would have kept looking until I found a partner. Looking back now, my single years were the best part of my life. In hindsight I might have stayed single.

It is easier on the mind to be single.
To never have to deal with the dark-side of another human being, who is constantly in your space, is a freedom that I acquired after divorce, and I'd be unable to give up that mental freedom now. It is too precious.

When I am with couples and he is always "getting" at her - after she's shopped, cooked, cleared up, dealt with kids, done the washing, and she looks exhausted... He makes a snide comment about her looks and then glances as her single friend as if to say "Aren't I great?" .. (me), ... when I'm with those sort of couples, I do wonder why she doesn't just get away from him.

But then I realize that in her mind, she has to please him. That is the mindset. She's in total lockdown, hoping to meet his standards each day.
And of course she never does.

I would hate to walk in that women's shoes, and don't we all know somebody like that. Worshipping the tormentor of her soul, because "marriage" is like that .
IS it like that? Does it have to be like that? I hope not.

@LimeRedBanana

So many of us are saying we would be happy to remain single should something happen to our partners/husband.

It is interesting, isn’t it? I am not peri-m yet, but will be soon.

I think once women get to mid-life - and if circumstances force it - many would prefer to go it alone. It would be the simpler option. They know they would cope just fine, and it would be easier than taking on another man, so to speak.

On the flip side, men who reach mid/late life and suddenly find themselves single, often rush to couple straight up again. This is a mass generalisation of course, but I don’t think many feel they could cope. Running a house and just being. It’s too much for them.

My own DF was widowered in his 60s and didn’t get into another relationship, so I know it’s not a given.

But you see it so often. A relationship has barely ended for whatever reason, and the man has literally coupled straight up again. They need someone to look after them.

Whereas women don’t want to be doing more ‘looking after’!

So true.

@beigebrownblue

Many women seem to be saying if you meet a man when they are older, then they are looking for a carer, not a lover or even a wife.

I wonder if that is true.

Have dated a man via OLD who wanted me to 'cut his toenails'.

I declined. Wasn't my idea of a good time!

That made me laugh out loud. Imagine if it was the woman who demanded to have her toenails cut.

@Chunkymenrock

Holy shit, I'd have been in paradise if I had stayed single. Getting married was the worst decision I ever made. The drudge, the compromises, the tedium of another person constantly being around, the mess, the noise, the having to explain and justify everything and the complete shackle that has robbed me of my life and freedom.

You know, you have just described the life of a good friend of mine. She met her partner at age 16, married at 18 and had three kids by the age of 25. She is in a constant state of fear in case he beats her, but she is also in constant state of wishing she could have her life back again, but never ever ever meet him, or his family, or his friends. She won't ever leave him and yet she tries to drag her friends into their domestic problems, so that they she can hurt him with their opinions of him. (We've all learnt to NEVER give any opinion about him) It is a mess..... She is shackled and slowly getting mentally ill.

DH and I have been together for 26 years and have two DC who are now young adults and the two of us are fine and dandy. However, if something came along that changed that I would give single life a bloomin good go (with a couple of dogs for companionship) before I even thought about making that sort of commitment again. I’m all nurtured out and peri-menopausal so, rather selfishly, only having to think about myself does sound quite appealing.

I would survive without my husband, sure, but I really wasn’t very happy single. I’m pretty introverted but very affectionate and I was very lonely when I had to rely on parties and dinners with friends (who were increasingly paired off and unavailable) for social contact and emotional fulfilment. I volunteered and all that stuff, and it was great in its way, but I felt starved of physical affection and emotional intimacy. I’ve been so, so much happier having someone to share my life and my home with. I’m lucky, of course, that my husband is kind and loving. I’d be happier single than with someone cold or abusive, obviously. But 95% of my anxiety dreams are about being single again. It wasn’t good for me.

I was pretty much single from 26 - 32 and was not meeting any eligible men organically. I decided to give online dating a good go with the clear understanding i would like a LT partner but i knew i might well never meet anyone suitable. (I knew i wanted "The whole package" or nothing)
Alongside dating i invested a lot of time building "a good life" for myself" (ie preparing for it not to happen) as i knew i wasn't keen to settle. I was basically on the brink of giving up when i met my DH.

He is amazing but it is sheer dumb luck we found each other and i consider myself very very lucky (as does he). OLD is brutal honestly and I'd say even worst for oldrr woman in late 40s+
Now in my late 30s with a child on the way if anything happened i am not sure I'd go through it again as I'm fairly content with my lot.
I was happy single and think it is def better than a mediocre relationship.

@Anwenandtheicecreambaby That is heartbreakingly awful. Is she staying with him because she is scared of him having access to the kids without her being there to protect them? Is she scared for her or her kids safety if she tried to leave him? It’s a terrifying trap to be in.

In my 20s no.....I suppose I felt defined by a relationship and scared of being on my own. Now I'm in my late 30s yes....I'm more confident and assertive I'm comfortable with who I am...I don't need a partner financially physically or emotionally

No, I hated being single. It’s the constant of coming home to an empty, rented flat/house. Cooking for one, living on ready meals because “it’s not worth it”. The excruciating times you’re asked to a party or whatever and everyone else is in couples.

Interestingly, I do think if my financial situation had been different I wouldn’t have minded as much. I didn’t have a great wage and only just barely supported myself. I think if I’d been well-off it wouldn’t have bothered me as much as I could have holidayed/taken up hobbies/done things rather than just sit in my flat with the TV on. I used to go out and just walk around other towns/cities every weekend so I wasn’t just sat by myself from Friday evening till Monday morning.

I was married and met my h quite young at 17. Got married, had DC. I thought while things were good that was I wanted in life.

It didn't work out and now I've been single for 6 years. I tried dating again after 3 years, and it just wasn't for me anymore.

So I would say I've had both.

It suited me being married when I was, but it now suits me being single as I am older, wiser, more independent, financially more stable etc.

I can't see myself not being single going forward. As in in my mind, this is how I intend to live forever. And I'm quite happy about it.

I met my DH when I was 36 and married at 37, and before meeting him I lived happily alone for close to 10 years. I have no doubt that if I needed to, I could live happily without him. That's not to say I don't love him very much after 15 years of marriage, but if he left or died or whatever, I'd be fine.

I think I would have been ok single. I had been single for quite some time before I met DH in my 30s, and coped fairly well. It got a bit tiresome sometimes, having all the responsibility of everything all the time - but I would have coped. Might have got lonely, I suppose. But it wouldn't have been dreadful.

Being married with 2 boys isn't dreadful either - but it's not the joy I wish it was. Also being moved to Australia - I wouldn't have had to do that if I hadn't married an Aussie. I could have - but I would have been free to return to the UK once I realised I don't like the summers or how long it takes to get home. Not now.