Page 2 | If you are married / with long term partner could you have been happy single?

Jennyennidots · 2021-08-26T19:42:13+00:00

I’m single and pretty happy. I would quite like a partner but honestly I don’t know if I can be bothered. Maybe this is a sign I should stay single. If you had never met your DP/DH, do you think you could have been a happy singleton? Or do you think you would have continued to look until you found somebody else to be in a relationship with? (disregarding children… assume you could have had the children on your own!) YABU - I would have kept looking till I met somebody else YANBU- I would have been happy on my own. Thanks!

LawnFever · 26/08/2021 21:21

I was very happily single on and off for most of my 20s, if I hadn’t met DH I could easily be happily single still.

I’ve always had a full life, and lots of friends, I never felt like I needed a partner, until the right person came along, and I wouldn’t settle for a relationship for the sake of it.

dun1urkin · 26/08/2021 21:22

@Jennyennidots
Thank you, I am, too. It was a fucking awful time, but with the best possible outcome. So, so many people aren’t as lucky.

He’s a decent sort, even said he’d write me a reference for any potential next husbands

TrainspottingWelsh · 26/08/2021 21:27

Yes, I was more than happy as a single parent, I didn't want or need a partner or even a steady relationship. Dp was a friend, and the negatives, or effort of a steady relationship and then living together were worth it for him as an individual, rather than being my life goal or something I generally needed. I can honestly say if it wasn't him I wouldn't have bothered and would no doubt still be happily single.

Ragwort · 26/08/2021 21:28

'stifling' is a good way to describe how I feel sometimes...the expectation (works both ways) when you are in a relationship...just simple things like cooking a meal or making sure the lawn is mowed ... both my DH and I fully share the chores so it is it not as though I am working whilst he is lying in his backside gaming or anything like that but for example tonight he is away and I am the one lying on the sofa with a takeaway and mumsnetting... no expectation to share a home cooked meal, chat over dinner and choose a programme to watch together!

beigebrownblue · 26/08/2021 21:33

I guess I'm happy single. Never thought I would say that. But I am.

MaMelon · 26/08/2021 21:34

We’ve been married 26 years. When I was younger I really wanted to be in a relationship - I wanted to be married and have a family, and I’m really glad I met DH because we’ve had great fun together with the DC. I would probably have carried on looking tbh.

If DH were to go before me or if we got divorced I wouldn’t rush into a new relationship at all. I’d be happy with a companion but would enjoy my own space - I’ve done the child rearing so now want to do things I never got to do when they were younger and would be happy on my own with friends, a companion and a dog, doing my own thing.

beigebrownblue · 26/08/2021 21:35

Many women seem to be saying if you meet a man when they are older, then they are looking for a carer, not a lover or even a wife.

I wonder if that is true.

Have dated a man via OLD who wanted me to 'cut his toenails'.

I declined. Wasn't my idea of a good time!

Threebagsfullxyz · 26/08/2021 21:37

If I were still young and hadn't met my partner I think I would have kept looking for someone - I wanted someone to share my life with. But now I'm older I think I'd probably stay single and be quite happy. I can't see me doing online dating and hunting for someone.

And

I've been married nearly 20 years

Back in my single days (early 20s) I was desperate to be coupled up if I'm honest but I would very happily be single now and daydream about it quite a lot!

My DH is a decent and honest man but if he left or died I would have no desire to live with a man again!

I think a lot of us have reached this point. Also, I have felt a shift over the past few years to this way of thinking (in the depths of perimenopause whereas prior to this I would have dreaded becoming single). Interesting how things change. So many of us are saying we would be happy to remain single should something happen to our partners/husband.

Also Ragwort I understand what you have written about continuing with something that has really run its course.

BeatieBourke · 26/08/2021 21:38

I was very happily single when I met now DH. After some very turbulent years I had found stability, peace and contentment (as much as anyone does) on my own. I nearly ran foe the hills when I met DH as I could tell our feelings were sincere and it threatened to seriously disrupt my life.

In the end I went for it. We've been together 9 years and mostly very happy. I have learned more from being with him through life than I would have learned on my own. He gives me a different perspective on things and I still find him interesting (most of the time!).

I always say that I am more likely to go it alone than run off with anyone else, and that if we broke up for any reason I would be happily single for the rest of my days. He says the same. I find it comforting and somehow more meaningful that we share this view. Being with each other has always been the driver, not being with 'someone'.

HarrietOh · 26/08/2021 21:39

After my exH had an affair I was single for around 4 years.
I did all the things they say you should do, I got a new hobby, made lots of new friends and had so much fun with nights out and holidays. I’m quite an independent person so did some solo travelling too.

However, it does still get lonely. I feel society isn’t set up very well for single people. I’m not afraid at all to sit in a coffee shop on my own with a good book, and did so, but many people thought that was weird.

I dated several men in that time, and as much as I often hated the loneliness I never settled. I found a great man and I must admit I do love it. I know I can do single, but I prefer being with someone I love.

furbabymama87 · 26/08/2021 21:40

No I always wanted a partner. I'd rather be alone than be in an unhappy relationship but I feel complete and secure now I'm with my husband.

Threebagsfullxyz · 26/08/2021 21:40

We’ve been married 26 years. When I was younger I really wanted to be in a relationship - I wanted to be married and have a family, and I’m really glad I met DH because we’ve had great fun together with the DC. I would probably have carried on looking tbh.

If DH were to go before me or if we got divorced I wouldn’t rush into a new relationship at all. I’d be happy with a companion but would enjoy my own space - I’ve done the child rearing so now want to do things I never got to do when they were younger and would be happy on my own with friends, a companion and a dog, doing my own thing.

Yes to this MaMelon particularly your last sentence, though still up to my neck in child rearing.

bigbaggyeyes · 26/08/2021 21:40

I was single and very happy for 19 years before I met my dh. I wasn't looking for someone, we met through a mutual hobby. If anything happened to him I'd stay single. I like being single, you can be selfish, please yourself and I've a few hobbies so was never lonely

Whyo · 26/08/2021 21:43

Following with interest. I’m just out a long term relationship and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been (and it was a good relationship). Still have that feeling I “should” be in a couple, share my life etc. Wonder how much is societal and how much is want.

mswales · 26/08/2021 21:51

I would have loved to find someone special to share stuff with longterm but I am very happy not to be in a relationship that's just OK - and I have so many dear friends that I share everything with it certainly doesn't feel I'm alone in life. And I have a family unit (and children) with my ex, we do a lot together and give companionshop and affection but have our own homes and total freedom, and I get to be childfree for 24 hours every weekend - it's a great mix! I'd always thought I'd hate to live alone but now I have amazing neighbours and local community, and a child with another one on the way, I am definitely not lonely and am so glad I don't have to share my space with another adult.

I don't think there is any one answer to this question, it entirely depends whether you are lucky enough to meet someone who genuinely enhances your life and who wants the same kind of relationship that you do (as they come in so many different forms). I used to feel real grief about not ever finding the big "love" lifetime relationship and having a family with that person. But now I am so grateful for what I do have and I know many married people would probably love their own space and freedom alongside companionship and children - so I am very lucky!

BlossomOnTrees · 26/08/2021 21:53

I think I would have coped OK as I have a lot of family and friends. But meeting DP has turned my life around and I love being in a relationship so I would have kept looking if the situation was different. Being single is tough in my opinion.

squiddybear · 26/08/2021 22:00

I can't cope on my own. I've been with someone ever since I was 16 and the thought of being alone terrifies me.
I hate being in the house alone even if DS is there (although he is only very little so maybe that will change as he gets older!)

neverornow · 26/08/2021 22:07

Despite being very independent in my 20's and loving single life, I'm not sure that I would be as happy had I not married DH. I don't like being alone anymore and despite our ups and downs, DH and I have a lovely life nowadays. We make a great team. I don't think I'd be this content on my own.

Plus I've always wanted a family and yes, I could have had children solo but the thought of something happening to me and DC not having a 2nd parent/ guardian would have put me off.

Chunkymenrock · 26/08/2021 22:11

Holy shit, I'd have been in paradise if I had stayed single. Getting married was the worst decision I ever made. The drudge, the compromises, the tedium of another person constantly being around, the mess, the noise, the having to explain and justify everything and the complete shackle that has robbed me of my life and freedom.

imjustsoworried · 26/08/2021 22:13

I had no plans to be in a relationship as it had never felt 'worth it' but as cheesy as it is, DP changed me somewhat! However if something were to happen to us, I don't think I'd bother finding someone else. I find dating mind-numbing and a bit crap. And I like being completely independent.

Apeirogon · 26/08/2021 22:17

Pre DH, I was always a in a relationship - between 15 and 22 I had three boyfriends and was never single for longer than three months.

But now, after being with DH for 24 years, I feel like I'd just want to be single if we split up (not on the cards as far as I know!). I don't think I'd be actively looking for a new relationship.

userxx · 26/08/2021 22:18

Yep, was single for 10 years, got lonely at times but had a busy social life. There's pro's and cons to both I think.

Smileansrheworldsmileswithyou · 26/08/2021 22:21

I had a disastrous first marriage in my twenties, spent my thirties pretty much alone despairing I’d never meet anyone. By 40 I was married and extremely happy. My dh is a bit older than me and not in the best health, I’m hopeful he will live for a long time but if I was to be widowed I have no intention of having another relationship as I realise than I can be happy on my own but I’d far rather be with dh if at all possible. Can’t see anyone being good enough after him tbh.

entropynow · 26/08/2021 22:22

@Chunkymenrock

You do know it isn't a life sentence?

userxx · 26/08/2021 22:23

@Chunkymenrock

Holy shit, I'd have been in paradise if I had stayed single. Getting married was the worst decision I ever made. The drudge, the compromises, the tedium of another person constantly being around, the mess, the noise, the having to explain and justify everything and the complete shackle that has robbed me of my life and freedom.

You're really selling it to me 🤣.