If you are married / with long term partner could you have been happy single?

[Jennyennidots]

I’m single and pretty happy. I would quite like a partner but honestly I don’t know if I can be bothered. Maybe this is a sign I should stay single.

If you had never met your DP/DH, do you think you could have been a happy singleton? Or do you think you would have continued to look until you found somebody else to be in a relationship with?

(disregarding children… assume you could have had the children on your own!)

YABU - I would have kept looking till I met somebody else

YANBU- I would have been happy on my own.

Thanks!

I remember listening to an excellent BBC production about Samuel Peyps's life- dramatised etc. His wife was played by an excellent subtle actress. Mrs Peyps had a rough time living with Sam. He was always cheating, and also tended to slap his wife, and have sex with her which was not always "Kindly" as she describes it.
So.
When single girl arrives on the scene... the sister of Sam Peypes,.... and says that she doesn't really want to get married, there is a bit of consternation.
The actress playing Mrs Peyps does a wonderful impression of that sort of woman who is suffering in her marriage and therefore wants other women to suffer too.
Brilliant subtle acting.
And it reminded me of those women who try to make single women feel bad because they are not married.
Why do they do this?
Well, maybe because (like Mrs Peyps) they are suffering in their marriage and don't see why other women get to escape that suffering!!!
Poor Mrs Peyps is set free from being married to the infamous Samuel Pepys, by an early death at the age of 28. That was the only way out of marriage back then. Death.
We are so so so lucky here in the 21st century

My initial reaction was no, I’d definitely find someone else, I’d be lonely if I was single, I want someone to chat to.

But thinking about the practicalities - dating, living with someone new, having to make all sorts of adjustments - I am not sure. And as the DC get older they provide better company.

I have lived alone since my OH died 10 years ago. I dont have other family. I dont think I would want to live with someone again unless it was in a house where we could both have our own wings!

Thanks for these insightful answers. I have been pondering for a long time whether I would be happier in a relationship or not. The way many of you talk about not wanting to re-marry if you became single now, due to being stuck in your ways, makes me wonder if I might be too stuck in my ways, having been single for 10+ years, to enjoy living with somebody now.
In any case no eligible man has crossed my path, and I don’t really like the rigmarole of dating apps etc. And there’s something about actively looking that suggests to the world that I am unhappy alone, which is absolutely not the case.
Still my brain thinks : “but what if you’re missing out…”

I only got married because I wanted a family, without the kids issue, I'd have definitely stayed single.
I loved the single life, dated when I wanted, friends-with-benefits etc but not the constant compromise of having to live with someone else.

Just last night I was daydreaming about having both sides of the wardrobe to myself

I think it might be an idea to trawl the Relationships board as well, @Jennyennidots, and see the darker side of what you could be missing out on!
Of course there are good men out there who have just never found the right woman but y'know, they don't seem to come along that often.

But then of course we hear about the good ones far less than we hear about the rubbish ones!

I think I would have been lonely. I love people and being around people and feel a bit sad eg when DH takes the DC to his parents for a few days. I love it for day 1, but by the start of day 3 I'm feeling quite sad and lonely.

OTOH I absolutely LOVE my own company, and a weekend alone, in the knowledge that it is just that, is my idea of heaven.

I don't think so. My husband is my best friend and a wonderful companion, and has done wonders for my self esteem. I can be awkward socially and come across as strange, but it's so reassuring to know that he loves me the way I am, not to mention I'd be lonely living alone. There are lots of practical benefits to being in a relationship to.

It also would have been much more difficult to become a mum alone, and anyway, being single parent sounds unbelievably hard (I don't know how anyone does it).

Honestly just having someone to look after you when you're ill is so helpful.

@CoalCraft, that assumes your other half looks after you when you are ill. Mine always manages to be "more ill" than me and I have to take care of him and the bouncy DC while he lies in bed and I try to stay conscious.

I had a lot of flings and casual things in my 20s which were enjoyable but not enough to convince me of the benefits of being in a proper relationship. I was very happy with my own company, on my own and operated on the assumption I'd end up single. The idea didn't bother me and still doesn't. Ending up in a decade-long relationship with DP has been quite a surprise (a nice one!) and not what I envisaged.

I don't think I'd ever go looking for a relationship for the sake of being in one. It doesn't hold much appeal in the abstract - it holds a lot of appeal in the specific.

I'd not bother again if anything happened to/with DH. I've been with him since we were 19 so no hurdles in terms of significant exes or making sure children were on board. A relationship at my age (37) pretty much always involves a blended family (on my side too with one DS) and I am not touching that with a bargepole!

As for being single - I'd have only been happy if I stayed in my hometown with friends and family nearby. I'd never have moved 200 miles away like we have done on my own, and I love it here.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I think it might be an idea to trawl the Relationships board as well, *@Jennyennidots*, and see the darker side of what you could be missing out on! Of course there are good men out there who have just never found the right woman but y'know, they don't seem to come along that often.

But then of course we hear about the good ones far less than we hear about the rubbish ones!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad You are right. When I read this OP, I wondered if I should share my most recent experience with a "nearly live in" chap? I am going to do so and if it gets rejected, well so be it. It is this. Apparently every morning it is normal to some chaps to lie back and get the wife/partner/girlfriend to mazz$tr 8 him. It is expected. Like a household chore, it is something that a female does, every morning. For that reason alone, I think the single life is easier.

I was with my ex for 25 year and if you had asked me a few years ago, I would have said no I could never imagine being happy single.

But after a marriage break up and a 2 year relationship with twat afterwards, I've been single for 18 months and I now can't imagine being in another relationship.

Apart from the physical side, there is absolutely nothing I miss. I've got a teenage son, great friends, a really busy social life and a job and I really don't think I could fit a man in

@Anwenandtheicecreambaby - that sounds very very wrong. It's not normal at all, and if he makes you do it when you don't want to, then it counts as sexual assault. Up to you if you want to continue with that one, but I don't think I could.

Sorry, it's possible that you have already ditched him, it's not entirely clear from your post!

I’m honestly of the belief that a relationship will never work if you depend on it for happiness so really, you should be ok with being alone before you meet someone. I was fine as a singleton, had a lot of fun.

@Hemingwaycat

I’m honestly of the belief that a relationship will never work if you depend on it for happiness so really, you should be ok with being alone before you meet someone. I was fine as a singleton, had a lot of fun.

I completely agree, nobody should ever put their entire happiness and well-being in the hands of anyone else, everyone needs more in their life to make them content than just the person they’re in a relationship with.

I was miserable single

Having been married a long time now. It would seem odd not to have a partner. I like someone else to chat to , get rid of spiders! I think the whole of our society is geared up for couples .not sure if this is a good thing or not! Having said that, really enjoy space on my own as well.

@dottiedodah

Having been married a long time now. It would seem odd not to have a partner. I like someone else to chat to , get rid of spiders! I think the whole of our society is geared up for couples .not sure if this is a good thing or not! Having said that, really enjoy space on my own as well.

I think it depends on how long you've been married, was it happy and why did it end. I'm no longer a youngster, I doubt our marriage will end till one of us dies and after that (assuming its me that is still here) I'd just potter on being me, mum and gran. If I were younger then perhaps I may be more open to another relationship.

I think if something happened to DH i wouldnt look for someone else, i dont think anyone could ever compare to DH. A good partner adds so much to your life, i wouldn't be as happy without him.

I always thought I needed to be with someone so from my mind to late teens I always had a bf. When I was 23 I got I to a horrendously abusive relationship. I managed to escape whe I was 29 and a year later was with a friend for 9 mo ths or so. This also didn't work although the split was ammicable and we are still great friends. From then I decided actually I was never happy being with someone and wanted to go it alone. So I was single from about 31. I dated men on and off but more for fun and never really more than a couple of dates with the same man. I always split costs with them and was upfront that I didnt want anything and I was really even looking for sex (although didnt rule it out).
I love my life through my 30's. Being single meant I could be selfish so I went to uni and got a degree, travelled, moved to another country, lost of holidays with friends and family including lost of 'once in a lifetime' type trips. The longer I was single the more I wanted to be single. I lived an amazing life!
I always thought 'being in love' was bs and didnt exists generally. To me it seemed ppl just found what they thought to be the best they could do, with feeling of affection for each other and ran with it. From the outside I always felt most of these ppl would probably have a more forfilled life on their own tbh.
Then one day one of those dates turned out to be the love of my life! I wasnt willing to ever sacrifice myself to commit to a long term relationship if it didnt enhance my life in every area and the one I'm in now does. I was single for 5 glorious years and it was truly amazing. Life is certainly different now but i wouldn't change it.
Everyone told me I needed to settle down and if I have listened I'd probably have lumber myself with another looser. Instead I'm just as happy now as I was when I was single and I have someone to share all those moments with.
Do you OP!

Im married having been with the same partner 10 years now (married for 3).

I think I would have grown to be happy after a period of being quite resentful.

I've been married for 18 years. If we split up I wouldn't be looking for another relationship to begin with, but I like people and I like being married. I would be surprised if I didn't get together with someone eventually.