Page 4 | If you are married / with long term partner could you have been happy single?

Jennyennidots · 2021-08-26T19:42:13+00:00

I’m single and pretty happy. I would quite like a partner but honestly I don’t know if I can be bothered. Maybe this is a sign I should stay single. If you had never met your DP/DH, do you think you could have been a happy singleton? Or do you think you would have continued to look until you found somebody else to be in a relationship with? (disregarding children… assume you could have had the children on your own!) YABU - I would have kept looking till I met somebody else YANBU- I would have been happy on my own. Thanks!

Longdistance · 27/08/2021 05:58

I was a mad cat lady up until I met dh when I was 30. On and off single, but lived on my own (with cat). Loved it as I was like a floating cloud without a care in the world, dominated by my work and flying here there and everywhere, I probably would still be single to this day if I hadn’t met dh.
I now take dds away with me on my own on holidays and don’t wait for dh, though I do ask if he can take the time off and wants to come.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 27/08/2021 06:19

I was single for many years after a messy divorce. It was great to do what I wanted when I wanted - freedom is fabulous. I was happy enough, but deeply unfulfilled and keenly felt the absence of a significant other. Eventually I found love and am truly happy.

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/08/2021 06:46

I COULD be happy alone but wouldn't want to be. I also enjoy co parenting and takes a lot of the stress out of it if you have a good supportive partner to raise kids with.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/08/2021 06:49

I think I would have kept looking until I found someone.
However, being in my 50’s now I see how important it is to be ok being alone. Too many people go from one relationship to the next because they can’t not be in a relationship.
I also wish I owned my own home myself and lived without a partner, as sharing a house and finances is restrictive.

LindaEllen · 27/08/2021 07:04

I don't think I'd be happy single. I like some time on my own in an evening, when DP goes on his computer, but I also then love it when he comes back downstairs and we can chat, have a snack and watch TV. We're best friends, we run all our thoughts by each other, and talk non stop when we're both at home, about random stuff.

The silence when he's at work stretches on if I'm not busy too .. and yes I have friends and family, and plenty to keep me busy the vast majority of the time, but living alone isn't for me.

bigbaggyeyes · 27/08/2021 07:05

I think we are conditioned to be in a relationship. People expect it if us, and we in turn expect if of ourselves. Especially during the 'child bearing years' When I was single a lot of people, especially parents and the generation above me kept asking things like 'have you got a boyfriend' 'when are you going to settle down'. At the time I was really happy being single, never lonely as I have lots of friends and a hobby or two that kept my life interesting. My Mum died a few years ago and my dad is very sociable, so he's now happily single, as long as he's got his friends and companions to do stuff with, and travel (his hobby now), he's loving life.

ViewFromHalfway · 27/08/2021 07:07

I think I would have kept looking.

However, having been with DH for 18 years I don't think I'd be that fussed about another relationship if we divorced/something happened to him now.

Numnumcookie · 27/08/2021 07:10

Whilst I'm happy in my relationship and wouldn't change it, I don't think I could be bothered if this one ended for any reason.

I'm glad we got together and had our son and have no plans on getting rid of him, but I just can't be arsed with all the effort required for a new relationship. I'm too old for that shit now and just don't want to compromise any more and feel it would be effort as I can't imagine finding another as well suited to me.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 07:11

I don’t think I could replace DH, he really is 1 in a million. I would stay single if anything was to ever happen to him.

If I could have my own children and I never met him, I imagine I wouldn’t have stayed single, it appears it was drummed into me by society that looking for a partner is just something you do, now I’m in my 30’s, older and wiser I don’t know why I felt that way looking back, I would never question it.
I got lucky though meeting DP at 18 and I plan on being with him until death.

hellcatspangle · 27/08/2021 07:12

I wouldn't have been happy being single when I was younger and I wouldn't have had kids on my own, but if I ended up single now I think I'd happily stay that way.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 07:33

@bigbaggyeyes

I think we are conditioned to be in a relationship. People expect it if us, and we in turn expect if of ourselves. Especially during the 'child bearing years' When I was single a lot of people, especially parents and the generation above me kept asking things like 'have you got a boyfriend' 'when are you going to settle down'. At the time I was really happy being single, never lonely as I have lots of friends and a hobby or two that kept my life interesting. My Mum died a few years ago and my dad is very sociable, so he's now happily single, as long as he's got his friends and companions to do stuff with, and travel (his hobby now), he's loving life.

This. A lot of us are, frankly, brainwashed into thinking we've failed if we're not in a relationship. Some women thrive on this of course but a decent amount find, if their relationship breaks down or their partner dies, that they actually thrive on it. It's always amazing how surprised people are that they are not just OK when it happens but actually sometimes happier than they were before.

A lot of deprogramming needs to happen.

BigFatLiar · 27/08/2021 08:17

Not an easy question to answer really. Before I met OH I lived at home with my parents so I've never really lived on my own.
I think I could be happy alone, at least I hope I will be as in reality I expect to outlive OH. However I suspect being granny will fill up any gap. He was seriously ill a few years ago and I thought I'd lose him but he's still here but on lifelong medication. I do go on holidays on my own sometimes as there are places I want to go where he wouldn't enjoy (hates hot and humid). In general though I love having him around, he's thoughtful, kind, supportive and good company, I chose well.

(disregarding children… assume you could have had the children on your own!)

I don't think you're really 'single' if you have children, unmarried/no partner perhaps. Children fill up your time much more than a husband/partner.

BabyLeaf · 27/08/2021 08:23

No I wouldn’t have been truly happy. I love being in a relationship and even when I’ve been single I’ve been dating. I’ve only spent around a year total single since 17. I’m 33 now. I just really love all that comes with a partnership and don’t see why I wouldn’t want that as part of my life, it enhances my life even though I have lots of other amazing aspects to it too.

Might be different now I have kids though, if DH and I split I certainly wouldn’t be in any rush at all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/08/2021 08:24

@Numnumcookie

Whilst I'm happy in my relationship and wouldn't change it, I don't think I could be bothered if this one ended for any reason.

I'm glad we got together and had our son and have no plans on getting rid of him, but I just can't be arsed with all the effort required for a new relationship. I'm too old for that shit now and just don't want to compromise any more and feel it would be effort as I can't imagine finding another as well suited to me.

Oh yes, this too.

I just couldn't be arsed to even look for another relationship if anything negative happened with DH.

LawnFever · 27/08/2021 08:30

@bigbaggyeyes

I think we are conditioned to be in a relationship. People expect it if us, and we in turn expect if of ourselves. Especially during the 'child bearing years' When I was single a lot of people, especially parents and the generation above me kept asking things like 'have you got a boyfriend' 'when are you going to settle down'. At the time I was really happy being single, never lonely as I have lots of friends and a hobby or two that kept my life interesting. My Mum died a few years ago and my dad is very sociable, so he's now happily single, as long as he's got his friends and companions to do stuff with, and travel (his hobby now), he's loving life.

Completely agree, I used to get a lot of ‘have you got a boyfriend yet’ which was utterly infuriating when my life was completely happy and very successful.

It’s really irritating that most people place being in a relationship above pretty much any other thing in life to measure success.

In my happily single 20s in my family never used to ask anything else about my life, just because I wasn’t setting down that’s what they focused on.

Nobody asked about my career, the fact I’d bought my own house, was living in a big city 100s of miles from home loving life with new hobbies and interests.

HereticFanjo · 27/08/2021 08:33

@LimeRedBanana

I think I would have been very lonely. And I say this as someone who needs a bit of alone time every day to recharge!

I don’t think I would have liked it.

But if anything happens to DH (touch wood), I can’t see myself getting into another relationship.

Interesting question!

This pretty much.

RealBecca · 27/08/2021 08:40

If my partner and i split i would choose to be single, at least until my children have left home.

I like my own company and independence.

Comedycook · 27/08/2021 08:43

No I wouldn't be happy...when I was single in the past, I always focused on finding someone. I was never prepared to settle or desperate but it was definitely my focus to find a partner.

Comedycook · 27/08/2021 08:45

Although if I split up with dh, I'm not sure I would seek out a new relationship but that's because I have kids and dating as a single mum would seem quite daunting

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2021 08:47

Probably not- friends all get partners and settle, people are busy- I like my own company but not that much to fill all the hrs alone

BashfulClam · 27/08/2021 09:03

Not sure now. I was single for 3 1/2 years before meeting DH. I was definitely ready to meet someone to share my life with.

RealBecca · 27/08/2021 09:04

I also loved living alone before meeting my husband. Now, as much as i love him, i find it so fucking tedious having to discuss and agree everything. Really monotonous shit as well, what shall we have for dinner, do you like this wallpaper, what are we doing at the weekend.

Just so much life admin i would love to avoid. I miss not knowing exactly what is in the cupboards (because we share the shopping and cooking), or deciding to eat cereal for dinner at 11pm without having to have had a conversation about it.

Autonomy. I miss the autonomy of single life. And i love this man so much, if life with him feels suffocating sometimes then i really cant be bothered to do it again with somone else.

Ragwort · 27/08/2021 09:19

Good point Real so much of being in a relationship is so utterly tedious, I love it when DH is away and I can just relax instead of having to discuss tedious meal arrangements or what 'we' are going to do. Perhaps I've just been married too long ... and we do loads of things separately so it's not as though we are expecting to 'entertain' each other.

scarpa · 27/08/2021 09:28

I wouldn't look for another relationship now if DH and I split up I don't think.

Not because I don't like being in a relationship - I just have never had another relationship as fulfilling and healthy as this, and I think we struck gold with each other in terms of compatibility.

I've had other good relationships, but this relationship has been a revelation and so much of that is down to how DH is as a person. I don't know if I'd find that again, and I wouldn't be willing to settle for less now.

Anwenandtheicecreambaby · 27/08/2021 09:47

[quote Oceanbliss]@Anwenandtheicecreambaby That is heartbreakingly awful. Is she staying with him because she is scared of him having access to the kids without her being there to protect them? Is she scared for her or her kids safety if she tried to leave him? It’s a terrifying trap to be in.[/quote]
Thank you Oceanbliss. She inherited the house that they live in, but if she divorced, he would take half of the house. He is on a high salary and she works as a supply teacher, so a low salary.
Therefore, he would be able to buy a decent new house and she would be renting for the rest of her life - unless she could get social housing.
Also, the "access to kids" issue is a big unknown isnt it?

She might not be granted custody if she can't afford a house and doesn't have a regular job.
Thank you for describing it as heartbreakingly awful.
That is a very accurate description.
In her mind, she is doing the right thing by staying, but she endlessly rants and rages to her friends.... It is like watching somebody slowly die inside.