to not understand why my mum does this

[suspiria777]

My mum, in her mid sixties, is kind of a nightmare when it comes to stirring/enabling among my siblings and dad (parents been separated for years). It seems like she tries to create drama/cause problems/look for reasons to get upset (or, alternatively, play "rescuer"), but it's most obvious, to me, with how she acts towards my sister.

My sister, early 30s, is anorexic. She has been anorexic for nearly 20 years. She's been hospitalised a few times, in and out of treatment, some suicide attempts, self harm etc. bla bla bla. She's had some periods of relative wellness and others of very acutely medically serious illness, but for the last five years or so she's been stable BUT still extremely disordered and extremely underweight. Her weight is around 38-40kg and she's average height . She is very good at pretending to be happy and "normal" in front of family and we haven't seen much of her since covid anyway but it's clear from her weight and various things going on in her life that she's not actually fine.

Anyway, my mum has a habit of approaching DSis and asking her if she wants XYZ item of clothing my mum has ordered online and doesn't like or doesn't quite fit into. Mum's a size 12 with a typical middle aged woman who has had several children shape. For the avoidance of doubt, DSis is smaller than the smallest sizes you can get on ASOS or anywhere, has no boobs, no butt, no hips, no belly. It's not like she asks me if I want them, even though I'm a size 8-10 and have a more similar style to my mum. TO BE CLEAR: I'm not aggrieved that my mum never offers me her unwanted items! I'm just perplexed as to why she KEEPS approaching my sister in this way as if to suggest they're almost the same size.

Whenever this happens, DSis will send me eye rolly screenshots of their text conversations, but she has also told me that it seems like mum is trying to upset her by implying she's bigger than she is -- and even though we can joke about it together ("typical mum" "got another bingo" type thing), I know that this stuff DOES upset her.

What the hell is mum thinking?

Other times she's given DSis birthday presents of diet books or other like, diet/food paraphernalia -- think food scales or spiraliser rather than a kitchenaid or a fondue set. She will also ALWAYS comment on what DSis is eating, if she is eating.

Obviously, after decades of this I don't expect she is going to change her ways. And DSis is "used to it" to some extent, and has her coping mechanisms -- to an extent. But it pisses ME off! And I know it does affect Sis too.

All i'm wondering is: why is she like this? What on earth is she thinking?
I'm not very good at imagining other people's motives, admittedly, but I'm totally clueless about what she's trying to achieve. Is there a charitable interpretation for her doing things seemingly deliberately to trigger my sister's eating disorder?

Bizarre. That's emotional abuse surely

Have you talked to her about this at all? Just friends and family are an important part of any kind of recovery. So triggering behaviour like this will be really upsetting for your sister.

But you are right in thinking this behaviour from your mum seems deliberately distructive.

Because your mother is an abusive horror and no doubt part of the reason your poor sister has the problems she has.

Simply put your mother is a nasty, batshit, abusive cow and your sister would be well advised backing away completely, as would you.

I certainly wouldn't allow her near any children you may have.

They say sometimes the way a mother behaves around food/looks can (not cause but highly impact) and increase eating disorders in their daughters. Mother's that like control, are pushy, etc ..does any of this ring true?
My twin sister was anorexic and she says it was her way of keeping control of an unstable life alongside comments from our parents about how bad it was to be fat etc.

Your mum sounds like she is taking out her unhappiness or resentment on your sister and aiming to belittle and control her, for some sort of gain. It is emotional abuse and I'm sorry your sister has had to suffer it for so long.
Best thing for her to do would be to cut ties with your mother.

@moita

Bizarre. That's emotional abuse surely

spot on 🌸

Your mother caused the problem in the first place, she's just continuing the behaviour that gave your sister anorexia to begin with.

I didn't like the phrase "She's been hospitalised a few times, in and out of treatment, some suicide attempts, self harm etc. bla bla bla" though, it sounds like you are dismissing her struggles, suicide attempts and self harm as trivial or just attention seeking. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong because otherwise it sounds like you have her interests at heart.

Your mum is a bitch

@Flatdisco

Have you talked to her about this at all? Just friends and family are an important part of any kind of recovery. So triggering behaviour like this will be really upsetting for your sister.

But you are right in thinking this behaviour from your mum seems deliberately distructive.

No... she interprets all criticism (or questioning) as an attack. She's not the easiest person to get along with. Interacting with her often feels like trying to navigate without a map there are all these assumptions and rules she has for how to behave, or what she wants, but she will never STATE THEM only let you know afterwards that you failed to meet her expectations/hurt her in some way/failed some test of love or loyalty.

It is difficult. When Sis was first diagnosed as a young teen she was recommended to have family therapy, but my mum and dad refused to engage.

Could your sister say next time ‘no but x (you) would love those’.

Does your sister live with your mother? If yes then this can’t be good for her.

@HarrietsChariot

Your mother caused the problem in the first place, she's just continuing the behaviour that gave your sister anorexia to begin with.

I didn't like the phrase "She's been hospitalised a few times, in and out of treatment, some suicide attempts, self harm etc. bla bla bla" though, it sounds like you are dismissing her struggles, suicide attempts and self harm as trivial or just attention seeking. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong because otherwise it sounds like you have her interests at heart.

Oh, not at all! I care deeply about her I just didn't want to get into all the specifics. I was trying not very well, I see now -- to get across how long and severe her illness has been (to distinguish it from the fashion i've noticed recently of saying "i've had disordered eating habits" or "a weird relationship with food", as if crash diets are in any way comparable to severe and enduring anorexia).

My mum has done this. It’s horrible and emotional abuse. Through counselling I’ve realised it’s subconscious rather than deliberate and comes from a place of feeling more needed and relevant when someone is not in a good place - as you mention they can be the rescuer. It is still inappropriate and should be called out though.

Wow. I was going to write a longer post but all I can really think to say it. Wow, your mum's a bitch.
If I were you or your sister I'd be backing away into no contact as fast as possible. I expect a great deal of your sister's struggles are to do with your mother.
And I say that as someone who has a batshit (probably narcissitic personalisty disorder) mother I don't speak to.

If I suggested your mother has a combination of (what used to be called) Munchausen's By Proxy and an emotionally abusive streak, would that ring any bells?

Your sister needs to go on the defensive.

Mum: Would you like these size 12 trousers?
Sis: No thanks, they’d be way too big, I’m nowhere near as fat as you 😂

Mum: Here’s a spiralizer for your birthday.
Sis: Thanks mum, but I think you need that more than I do 😂

@Flatdisco for clarity, I mean she, my mum, is difficult to talk to.

She, my sister, is lovely and smart and witty and funny and kind, and i hate that she hasn't been able to get better yet because she really, really deserves happiness.

That sounds like some form of what used to be called Munchausens Syndrome by proxy.
Your mother sounds very ill. She is projecting her illness onto your sister who is suffering from the effects of your mothers illness, in the form of anorexia.
When you say that your sister has has periods of relative wellness, were they outside the control of your mother? Where your mother had no or very little contact with your sister?

If I were in your sister's position, I'd cut tied with the mother and go either extreme low contact or no contact at all.
She could stay in touch with you and her other siblings so long as no contact is made with your mum.

I posted my message above before I read that @SpindleWhorl had come to the same conclusion. I didn't see that post before I submitted my own.

She sounds exactly like my mum. I’ve gone low contact which hasn’t really helped because she saves it up. I want to go no contact but don’t feel able to.
I would like to say that you need to tell her exactly what you have said here but I also realise that I wouldn’t take my own advice.

she interprets all criticism (or questioning) as an attack

Of course she does. Because she knows it's wrong.

Think about it. If you were doing this and truly meant well, and someone gently suggested it might actually be doing more harm than good to your DD, would you be horrified and feel terrible, or would you lash out and be angry?

That totally reminded me of the few stories I hear about the mother of DH's grandmother. She kept trying to get her daughters against each other..... they ended up all separate she even put only one of her daughters in her will to create more friction

Make sure you keep up the relationship with your siblings and support your sister whenever there is one of those bizarre comments

Your mother’s behaviour is incredibly dangerous for your sister’s mental health. It is likely that she is willfully sabotaging your sister’s recovery prospects by doing exactly what she has been advised NOT to do by your sister’s therapists. She obviously had a lot invested in keeping your sister unwell. Does she enjoy the “drama” of being the mother of an anorexic adult daughter? Does she fear being alone, so she has sabotaged your sister’s health and path to independence? Your mother has some very serious issues of her own here. (You have said that she can’t tolerate criticism…) Your sister is underweight. She is unlikely to be menstruating and is probably already suffering from loss of bone density. Unfortunately, sensitive, intelligent girls are MOST likely to suffer from disordered eating. It would be in your sister’s best interests if she could move. (Easier said than done, especially at the moment.) If your mum and sister share the same GP, or you know your sister’s therapist, a phonecall would be a great idea.

Gosh that’s actually really upsetting. I can’t imagine the effect that must have on your sister. I’m shocked that after so long your mum is continuing to do this.

Luckily Sis doesn't live with her. She lives in another city in her own little flat, she works freelance but not as much as she could when she's in a better place mentally. I think moving away has definitely had something to do with her relative stability over the last 5ish years. If she still lived at home i'm sure things would be so so so much worse.

Not just bizarre but deliberately cruel of your mother, and actually quite upsetting to read. I really hope your sister's defence mechanisms against this are strong, I'd encourage you both to put up some more.