to not understand why my mum does this

[suspiria777]

My mum, in her mid sixties, is kind of a nightmare when it comes to stirring/enabling among my siblings and dad (parents been separated for years). It seems like she tries to create drama/cause problems/look for reasons to get upset (or, alternatively, play "rescuer"), but it's most obvious, to me, with how she acts towards my sister.

My sister, early 30s, is anorexic. She has been anorexic for nearly 20 years. She's been hospitalised a few times, in and out of treatment, some suicide attempts, self harm etc. bla bla bla. She's had some periods of relative wellness and others of very acutely medically serious illness, but for the last five years or so she's been stable BUT still extremely disordered and extremely underweight. Her weight is around 38-40kg and she's average height . She is very good at pretending to be happy and "normal" in front of family and we haven't seen much of her since covid anyway but it's clear from her weight and various things going on in her life that she's not actually fine.

Anyway, my mum has a habit of approaching DSis and asking her if she wants XYZ item of clothing my mum has ordered online and doesn't like or doesn't quite fit into. Mum's a size 12 with a typical middle aged woman who has had several children shape. For the avoidance of doubt, DSis is smaller than the smallest sizes you can get on ASOS or anywhere, has no boobs, no butt, no hips, no belly. It's not like she asks me if I want them, even though I'm a size 8-10 and have a more similar style to my mum. TO BE CLEAR: I'm not aggrieved that my mum never offers me her unwanted items! I'm just perplexed as to why she KEEPS approaching my sister in this way as if to suggest they're almost the same size.

Whenever this happens, DSis will send me eye rolly screenshots of their text conversations, but she has also told me that it seems like mum is trying to upset her by implying she's bigger than she is -- and even though we can joke about it together ("typical mum" "got another bingo" type thing), I know that this stuff DOES upset her.

What the hell is mum thinking?

Other times she's given DSis birthday presents of diet books or other like, diet/food paraphernalia -- think food scales or spiraliser rather than a kitchenaid or a fondue set. She will also ALWAYS comment on what DSis is eating, if she is eating.

Obviously, after decades of this I don't expect she is going to change her ways. And DSis is "used to it" to some extent, and has her coping mechanisms -- to an extent. But it pisses ME off! And I know it does affect Sis too.

All i'm wondering is: why is she like this? What on earth is she thinking?
I'm not very good at imagining other people's motives, admittedly, but I'm totally clueless about what she's trying to achieve. Is there a charitable interpretation for her doing things seemingly deliberately to trigger my sister's eating disorder?

@Peanutsandchilli

Trying to see it from a different perspective but could it possibly be a genuine attempt to help her, if not a little misguided? Diet books may be an attempt to get her to cook low fat food, which is obviously better than nothing. Same with kitchen gadgets, to try and get her to cook something. Nice clothes could be used to encourage her to put on weight to fit into them?

Obviously you know your mum best though. If you think she's abusive then you're probably right.

No, it isn't.

I would 100% confront your mother about her behaviour, tantrum be damned. I would not be able to sit back and say nothing, not after the kind of treatment your sister receives.

The best thing your sister could ever do for herself is to remove your parents from her life. They are nothing but poison to her. You should support her in this. I normally recommend that peopleb stay out of other people's issues, but this is literally a matter of life or death.. If there was ever a side to take, it would be your sisters.

I don’t think your Mum is abusive. I think she has a very sick child and has absolutely no idea how to deal with it at all. She sounds misguided perhaps but I don’t think this screams abuse by any means. She probably thinks she’s helping in a strange way. I have no idea what I’d do if I had a desperately ill child, I just don’t know how I’d cope.

This is a classic abusive mother of anorexic behaviour. She is exerting her control even though your poor sister is no longer living with her. She's killing her, slowly.

Evil psychotic behaviour.

@Peanutsandchilli

Trying to see it from a different perspective but could it possibly be a genuine attempt to help her, if not a little misguided? Diet books may be an attempt to get her to cook low fat food, which is obviously better than nothing. Same with kitchen gadgets, to try and get her to cook something. Nice clothes could be used to encourage her to put on weight to fit into them?

Obviously you know your mum best though. If you think she's abusive then you're probably right.

You absolutely do not ever treat anyone with an eating disorder like this. You just don't do it.

I'm sorry about your sister being so unwell. As others have said, this is extreme abusive behaviour. Personally I would be livid and would be doing all I could to persuade my sister to go NC. Then I would do the same and never ever let the witch come close to either of us ever again.

This is so sad. If anyone is looking for a reason why your sister has an eating disorder then I'm sorry to say your Mum is it. Or at the very least an integral part of it.

The purchasing of diet books for a woman with an eating disorder is akin to buying a book of cocktail recipes for a recovering alcoholic. It's rubbing their disease in their face and frankly is cruel and unnecessary.

I'm so very sorry for your sister and for yourself for having to put up with this. I'd say the best solution to the issue would be to go no contact with your mother but I understand that that's not for everyone.

Your poor sister needs protecting from your mum.

What kind of mother behaves like this. This is a shocking read.

What is your dad's role in all of this?

@Hemingwaycat

I don’t think your Mum is abusive. I think she has a very sick child and has absolutely no idea how to deal with it at all. She sounds misguided perhaps but I don’t think this screams abuse by any means. She probably thinks she’s helping in a strange way. I have no idea what I’d do if I had a desperately ill child, I just don’t know how I’d cope.

My sister isn't a child, she's nearly 33 and she lives like a hundred miles away from my mum.

To the PP who mentioned whether there's a correlation between proximity to mum and severity of illness, i think there is. The last few years where sis has lived far away, rarely visited, etc. have been some of her most stable -- despite her low weight and the intractability of her illness, she hasn't had any crisis moments apart from a couple of xmas blips.

It's so unusual to see so much consensus in the replies, I'm honestly shocked. I was expecting that I was being uncharitable and missing some obvious sign that my mum was trying to be nice. I guess I've become kind of inured to it.

FWIW I don't have much contact with my mum (and nor does sis; like i said it's probably only a handful of visits a year). It's hard to contemplate going fully NC though because she's sooooo good at the guilt trip. It's always "I was just trying to be nice" "I thought you would like..." "why can't you just..." or her covid favourite "am i going to see you at all this year?" (she never invites; she just expects you to come)

@Hemingwaycat

I don’t think your Mum is abusive. I think she has a very sick child and has absolutely no idea how to deal with it at all. She sounds misguided perhaps but I don’t think this screams abuse by any means. She probably thinks she’s helping in a strange way. I have no idea what I’d do if I had a desperately ill child, I just don’t know how I’d cope.

My twin sister had anorexia, started at age 17. My mum was dead and my dad didn't notice/care. Even I knew as her sister at 17 what may or may not be the right thing to say. I soon learnt I had to be led by her. Forcing her to do anything or comments were triggering, anyone would know that. If she thinks she's 'helping', then I seriously question whether she has a learning difficulty. It's not rocket science.

What are the conversations between you and your sister like? Regarding your mother's behaviour I mean.
Have you broached the subject of you both going NC or initially extremely low contact with your mother?
Maybe you can both attend counselling together and unravel your experiences in a safe space with a professional.
It's definitely worth trying for even six months to see what positive effects it has on your sister's health and maybe your own.
It's heartbreaking yet illuminating that your parents refused to attend family therapy when your ds really needed it but it's not too late to really create a stronger, mutually supportive family unit with you two and whom ever else you choose.

I hesitate to include this, because I honestly don't know if it is useful or even appropriate but I lost a beloved family member to the secondary health problems that anorexia can often lead to. Now I am older I can see that they attempted to go NC, succeeded for a while at least and I wish I could have understood and helped.

@Peanutsandchilli

Trying to see it from a different perspective but could it possibly be a genuine attempt to help her, if not a little misguided? Diet books may be an attempt to get her to cook low fat food, which is obviously better than nothing. Same with kitchen gadgets, to try and get her to cook something. Nice clothes could be used to encourage her to put on weight to fit into them?

Obviously you know your mum best though. If you think she's abusive then you're probably right.

Encourage her to put weight on.

It is not that simple. That is the LAST thing she would want. Sorry but your comment is ridiculously naive.

When I was diagnosed with anorexia my mum went on a crash diet to, I guess, try compete with me. She’d also give me tiny portions of food (not even toddler sized portions) so I’d either have to ask for seconds and she could make a comment about how much I was eating or so I’d lose even more weight and she could tell her friends how I was making her ill with my anorexia…. Some women just shouldn’t have children and I really feel for your sister. It’s so hard to recover when you have a toxic mother fueling your disorder.

Well, it seems obvious how your sister developed her illness. Given that your mother is obviously disordered about food herself, that would be why. It's common for people with anorexia or other eating/food related disorders and mental health problems to do this sort of thing.

OP why are you ignoring posts asking why YOU haven't intervened. It is all very well us confirming your mum is emotionally abusive, but do you and your dad just sit back, for TEN YEARS, not saying anything, then casually wondering whether it might have played a part..I'm sorry but you haven't helped your sister. I'd do anything for my sister.

'Xmas blips' so when she sees your mum then.

I'd be tempted to work with your sister to write a text saying she appreciates the offer of clothes and gifts. However they often upset/set me back as I unable to wear clothes you've bought yourself as we're not the same same. I would have to gain x stones to do that. And as you know it's very hard for me to do that. The gifts you send are often diet related (spiraliser, diet books etc) and I struggle to understand why you think I need to diet when I've been hospitalised due to my low weight. I'd really appreciate your support in that.

When she argues back that it's her being loving etc, just keep repeating that it sets her back.

But tbh I think you two should set up your own Xmas club and please yourselves. They don't sound great!!

First OP, I agree with the poster who said your sister is lucky to have you Those who are telling you they'd just stand up to your mum/ tell her off/ go NC - they're not wrong, in that this is what your mum deserves - she is, basically, trying to kill your sister. (Sorry for how blunt that is, but anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and your mum is encouraging it. If she wanted to help, a quick Google would tell her what not to do and she's doing exactly that).

But - those posters are wrong in saying 'why don't you just...' If only it was as simple as that. Your sister is visibly, dramatically ill because of it, but you've grown up with an abusive parent (or two?) too, and - I know from experience - they are scary when you're a child, and the fear doesn't go away when you grow up.

As another poster said, it can be so hard to even see this kind of abuse for what it is. You've seen what's happening, you know it's wrong, you and your sister can laugh about it. That's already huge, and it takes a lot of courage even to see this type of abuse as wrong.

Don't look for the explanation for your mum's behaviour. Or, if you need an explanation, ask what might have happened to her - you mentioned something about your dad? - that has made her need her daughter to starve herself, potentially to death. But your main job is to work on getting yourself, and your sister if you can, out of the mental web.

That's horrific. I've been recovered for several years and would find that extremely hard to deal with even now. The cost to your sister's health is far to great for you to allow yourselves to be guilt tripped, this behaviour from your mother has to stop one way or another

You sound wonderful btw, thank goodness she has you

Your mother is encouraging the persistence of your sisters eating disorder - maybe it gives her a status amongst her friends (its so hard for me having a daughter this ill type of thing), but whatever the reason is you are or could be in a position to challenge that behaviour. If it was my sibling being abused - i would challenge it. When she gives an inappropriate present or offer of a gift ask her why. And then repeat her answer back to her so she has to agree with it or defend it. It can be a way to get her to be aware if her own behaviour and point out that others have noticed too. By the way - my money is on her being totally aware of what shes doing.

If you love your sis as much as you say you do then stand up to her abuser.

@Rathmobhaile

Your mother is encouraging the persistence of your sisters eating disorder - maybe it gives her a status amongst her friends (its so hard for me having a daughter this ill type of thing), but whatever the reason is you are or could be in a position to challenge that behaviour. If it was my sibling being abused - i would challenge it. When she gives an inappropriate present or offer of a gift ask her why. And then repeat her answer back to her so she has to agree with it or defend it. It can be a way to get her to be aware if her own behaviour and point out that others have noticed too. By the way - my money is on her being totally aware of what shes doing.

If you love your sis as much as you say you do then stand up to her abuser.

This. How can you have sat back for TEN YEARS. That's almost as shocking as your mum's behaviour imo.

Please no longer believe your mother’s guilt trips. She is truly vile and as others have said has caused your dsis’s anorexia. I can well imagine your dsis is difficult to communicate with. She has learned some strange lessons from your parents and trying to navigate around boundaries.

Idk if there is anything you can do to help and intervene. If there is not much, maybe the next time your mother contacts her, perhaps you could suggest she goes nc. If not, maybe every time your mother contacts her, you could send her an angry message warning her off.

Your dsis needs to get away from this vile woman. She is a disgrace.

@Imnewhere1991
That is victim blaming. Op was clear she is doubting what is right and wrong and came here to seek clarification. Unless you have been brought up by narcissistic and abusive parents, you will have no idea what it is like to be their child and how confusing the mixed messages can be.

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Imnewhere1991
That is victim blaming. Op was clear she is doubting what is right and wrong and came here to seek clarification. Unless you have been brought up by narcissistic and abusive parents, you will have no idea what it is like to be their child and how confusing the mixed messages can be.[/quote]
I have. I had a bloody awful childhood and my twin sister had anorexia.

But I still understood the difference between right and wrong. It's not rocket science. I was 17 and alone supporting my sister with her anorexia. No mum, dad didn't care. I still knew what was right. I didn't make excuses.

Anyone who buys an anorexic food scales is a fucking monster. That’s it.