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Original poster

To tell friend she she shouldn't use these words?

404 replies

Clawdy · 26/08/2021 08:35

Book group meeting last week, and one group member said she couldn't remember the name of a book she'd thought of choosing, but it was about two coloured girls and their halfcaste children. I said "Anne, you can't use those words" and she said "Why not, what words are you saying I should use?" I said "Black and mixed race" whereupon she said " Well, a mix of black and white is grey, should I say that?" and grinned at me uneasily. I turned away and started talking to someone else. Another member later said I had probably upset her, and maybe should have ignored her comments. What do you think? She was being racist, wasn't she? But I'd never heard her say anything like that in all the years I've known her.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2021 09:41

Half caste and coloured was definitely used in the 70’s MrsLarge. These were the words I was taught by my friends at primary and we definitely had no desire to offend.

chalamet · 26/08/2021 09:41

@SmileyClare

It appears that you eagerly jumped on her comment in front of everyone in your book group. Perhaps you were a little sanctimonious, patronising and wanting to signal to everyone how pc you are?

A word in private with her afterwards would have been better.

"Anne we don't use those words" sounds like you're talking to a child.

If you consider the height of “PC” (read: basic empathy) to be not referring to someone as fucking half-caste, then maybe you should have a think about your attitude.

I imagine you also call people “woke”.

Fluffytheevil1 · 26/08/2021 09:41

My DM refers to black people as ‘coloured’. Despite having a black son in law for 14 years, and knowing full well the term is black. So now when she does it I ask her what colour the person she’s taking about is. ‘Coloured’ makes me think of rainbows.

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 09:41

@Blueleah

Depends how old she is. The politically correct words change so often it’s hard to keep up. Maybe 20 years ago it was pc to say coloured and half caste, you weren’t allowed to say black.
20 years ago, you definitely could say black and coloured and similar were definitely outdated and offensive.

Age is no excuse anyway. My late granny was born in 1926 and managed to keep up and change terminology until she died at a quite advanced age.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 26/08/2021 09:43

@Mummyoflittledragon

Half caste and coloured was definitely used in the 70’s MrsLarge. These were the words I was taught by my friends at primary and we definitely had no desire to offend.
yes, 1970s but not 1990s or even 1980s i remember my ds, who is 60, correcting me! which i why i am so shocked that a former teacher of 60 should be so ignorant
Danikm151 · 26/08/2021 09:43

This really pisses me off.
I’m not half a person so you can’t call me half caste.
Someone didn’t take a crayon and colour me in so you shouldn’t say coloured.
BAME is the worst term too.

Mixed race is fine.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 26/08/2021 09:46

is she from south africa?

HereForThis · 26/08/2021 09:46

@SmileyClare

It appears that you eagerly jumped on her comment in front of everyone in your book group. Perhaps you were a little sanctimonious, patronising and wanting to signal to everyone how pc you are?

A word in private with her afterwards would have been better.

"Anne we don't use those words" sounds like you're talking to a child.

The irony of this gem... Talk about rushing in to call someone pc, sanctimonious, virtue-signalling and "woke" (Didn't exactly use the last two terms but they were insinuated). Is it for the poster to signal how un-pc they are, per chance?
MrsLargeEmbodied · 26/08/2021 09:46

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-30999175

Sssloou · 26/08/2021 09:47

The people who keep saying my parents in their 80’s use that term are inadvertently part of the problem.

This language has not been appropriate or acceptable for at least 30-40 years ….. and it’s partly because people didn’t step up enlighten their 40-50 year old parents / friends that these 80 year olds have continued to use offensive terms. The other part is the possibility that they are overtly obtuse and offensive.

We are all learning new language all the time - we should all be sensitive to our words and behaviours so that they are respectful and inclusive. Anything less is not good enough.

Bizarrely I suspect that suggesting to your friend that SHE comes across as socially ignorant by using these words will have a more beneficial impact on her behaviour (and consequently the feelings of POC) than if you state she is racist.

SmileyClare · 26/08/2021 09:47

Eh? I do think it's politically correct to avoid the term "half caste". How is that me having an "attitude"?

I'm pointing out that there's a whiff of virtue signalling here. Calling out the woman's comments in front of everyone in a rather patronising manner, discussing it in private with the other group members afterwards and now starting a thread on social media faux innocently asking Was I unreasonable to say something? is almost begging to be congratulated.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 26/08/2021 09:47

Exactly she wasn’t ignorant she was testing to see if she could get away with it.

emuloc · 26/08/2021 09:48

@godmum56

I thought "BAME" was no longer used? I would have found it annoying and embarassing to be told publicly "you can't use those words" and-more to the point- not likely to encourage me to change- and I too see her response as embarassed and defensive. She appears to have meant no harm and neither did you but it seems to me that you could have handled the situation better. But there you go hindsight is a wonderful thing.
People like you are part of the problem. Hanging on to words that you are being told will be offensive to people because you do not like the way you have been told. Shame on you.
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 26/08/2021 09:48

@Blueleah

Depends how old she is. The politically correct words change so often it’s hard to keep up. Maybe 20 years ago it was pc to say coloured and half caste, you weren’t allowed to say black.
It was not PC to say those things 20 years ago.

'Half caste' has been unacceptable for less long than 'coloured', but it definitely hasn't been PC to say 'coloured' in my lifetime (and I'm in my 40s).

TwinsandTrifle · 26/08/2021 09:49

Person of colour I hate. Makes me feel very aware that they aren't just saying black or mixed race.
I'm mixed race. My son says he's "part black" in the same way he'd say his best friend is part Swedish, part English.

My two best friends are English/St Lucian and English/Nigerian. The first, like me, calls herself mixed race. The second, calls herself black. She gets properly irate if someone calls her coloured....."Coloured? Am I fucking purple?"

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2021 09:49

Agreed MrsL. But I think the teacher used them in the 70’s. Not Beyond.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 26/08/2021 09:49

Sorry I quoted @MrsLargeEmbodied but it didn’t work.

emuloc · 26/08/2021 09:49

@Dragon50

People complaining about PC and how it’s all changing so fast they cannot keep up, do you also still use the disabilist terms of the 80s and prior?

And if not, why not?

This.
Lucillegoldenring · 26/08/2021 09:49

Im 33 and until this thread I didn't realise that half cast was considered unPC it is what I have always said. My best friend in primary school was half white, half Indian and even she called herself half cast.
Something is only racist if you have racist intentions.

ManifestDestinee · 26/08/2021 09:50

Depends on how you said it. You could have come across very righteous and rude., or you could have been gently pointing out something she didn't know. Big difference. Given you were talking about it behind her back later, I'm thinking it was more the former.

I think the current acceptable term is person of colour

Acceptable to who? And where?

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 09:50

If some of these words haven't been acceptable since the 1980s or so, the now-80 year olds would have been in their 40s or so then. Plenty old enough to have moved with the times and learnt.

DottyHarmer · 26/08/2021 09:50

I am surprised someone in their 60s would use these terms.

On a wider level, though, I would be mindful of “let him (her) without sin cast the first stone”. I’m not a religious person but so many Bible sayings are apt! Are you entirely sure, OP, that you won’t trip up at some point in the future? The language to describe disabled people, particularly those with learning difficulties (or is it learning disabilities/different abilities/Neurologically Atypical etc etc) changes with lightning speed and if someone’s mistake is not malicious then it is not nice to hector them.

ThisBeTheName · 26/08/2021 09:51

I am in my mid fifties. I wouldn't dream of using those terms!

They have been frowned upon for at least two decades, now.

JingsMahBucket · 26/08/2021 09:51

@Blueleah

Depends how old she is. The politically correct words change so often it’s hard to keep up. Maybe 20 years ago it was pc to say coloured and half caste, you weren’t allowed to say black.
Like hell it was okay to say that 20 years ago in 2001. This is excusing racism.
Needapoodle · 26/08/2021 09:51

Accepted terms change all the time and this term used to be the norm - unless she deliberately meant to cause offense, then I think it's actually quite rude to correct another adults speech. Especially in public.

You'd really stand by and say nothing if people were using racist language for fear of being rude?

Cowardice.