To tell friend she she shouldn't use these words?

[Clawdy]

Book group meeting last week, and one group member said she couldn't remember the name of a book she'd thought of choosing, but it was about two coloured girls and their halfcaste children. I said "Anne, you can't use those words" and she said "Why not, what words are you saying I should use?" I said "Black and mixed race" whereupon she said " Well, a mix of black and white is grey, should I say that?" and grinned at me uneasily. I turned away and started talking to someone else. Another member later said I had probably upset her, and maybe should have ignored her comments. What do you think? She was being racist, wasn't she? But I'd never heard her say anything like that in all the years I've known her.

You are going to extraordinary lengths to defend something indefensible. And you are now adding in a load of mental gymnastics to obscure the facts of the matter.

You might want to ask yourself just why you are trying to defend unacceptable behaviour with these long, waffling posts. There is no excuse.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

There's a difference between something being offensive and people knowing it's offensive, especially if they a) don't know the roots of a word and b) if that word used to be used as a socially acceptable description rather than a deliberate insult.

Nevertheless she managed to bat two for two: two racist epithets in the same sentence. Call it out. Always. The fact that other people were there makes it doubly important to call it out.

MrsHunt Alright, let's accept that you take the time to consider intention no matter who it is and what the issue may be, although you didn't exactly answer a direct yes or no to my questions. So I'm not sure what to make of that.

However, we've all been arguing so much about this and OP's question is "AIBU to tell a friend that she shouldn't use these words?", not "Aibu to think this person was being malicious when they used these words?"

The answer is no, it's not unreasonable to point something out, especially since OP said she didn't do it in a harsh way. Remember how you go by intention? Why can't you also assume that OP was simply trying to help Anne and she must have done it in the nicest way possible?

Why do some people think well of Anne's intention and not OP's?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously you’re part of the reason why BAME people like myself can be wary of friendships with white people.