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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
RobinPenguins · 26/08/2021 09:19

YANBU, this sounds shit. I don’t even want to hang out with my own children until 11pm, never mind someone else’s. Also not convinced it’s great for 8 year olds to stay up until 11pm generally but I may have been brainwashed by my mother’s ‘an hour before midnight is worth 2 after’ thing (no idea if there’s any science behind that).

If they won’t go to sleep, they at least have to stay upstairs and read or something.

itsgood2talk · 26/08/2021 09:19

@TootTootTootToot

I find other peoples kids annoying in the daytime let alone the evening.
This 💯
Heliachi · 26/08/2021 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sally872 · 26/08/2021 09:20

Sounds awful. Either all the kids are up late playing together while the adults chat. Or they are all in bed. Hopefully goes better tonight.

stepupandbecounted · 26/08/2021 09:20

I don't think it is fair on the other children, and it really isn't, once they get the idea that she is being rewarded with extra time for being difficult at bed time they are all going to up to 11pm playing Dobble and watching bloody HH on a loop (my flesh crawls at the thought of HH at 10pm)

So I would say in the interests of 'fairness', they should all go to bed, and stay in bed to 9pm. I would point out the good sleepers will soon realise they can all stay up too, and its going to ruin the rest of the holiday. I would be firm about it, I need to talk to you about something personal and adult and can't do that if Alyssa stays up again and leave it with her.

If she chooses to ignore your request, then go into the living area put on some adult TV, have some wine, call a friend and leave them to dobble, and tell her you need some downtime and they can crack on.
Without the audience they are likely to lose interest, and you might find it works. I wouldn't engage with them at all after letting her know you are relaxing in the other room. If they try to include you say 'thats nice' and carry on watching the film. You will have made your feelings clear to your friend, so not PA and given her the option to stop indulging her dd.

NapoleonOzmolysis · 26/08/2021 09:23

I'm still seething at the evening years ago when I spent the day tiring out my kids so I could put them to bed early to go round my friend's for a grown up meal only to find she then expected me to spend the evening talking to her kids and then put them to bed as well. A whole holiday of it? Nah.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2021 09:24

@stepupandbecounted

You deserve a medal op.

You are a better woman than me I would have said something by now. Choose a violent sweary film for this evening and tell her it is going on at 9pm with or without Alyssa.

Your friend is indulging her dd to such a degree that she will find in a few years time she really will have the teen from hell, setting herself up for the most ugly few years for sure! So you would be wise to bail out now certainly of the holidays, as in my experience this kind of parenting only gets worse.
In my case the indulged child was 14 and invited to cocktails with the parents, to increase her social interaction naturally (and we had to listen to her acing every subject of course, and how she won every pony club competition since she could walk) The poor girl ended up with no friends, no social life and an outcast, she was unbearable to everyone around her. Pull back after this, have fun with your dc whilst you are there. Make a plan for the evenings - good luck Wine Gin

I was going to say the same thing. Indulged children make insufferable teenagers.

I hope the 9pm bed works out. I do think 8 is early for an 8 and 9 yo on holiday.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2021 09:25

Good Luck OP.

Focus on what you could do, since you have already planned it.

"Shall we watch "the Blah Blah " like we planned tonight ?"

"Can't wait to tell you about new OH tonight like we planned .."

"Got some really good goss for you tonight like we planned"

"Really want an adult catch up like we planned, tonight? "

People are SO SO sensitive about their kids and parenting. Depends how you view this friendship. Alyssa will grow up.

QueenHofScotland · 26/08/2021 09:27

We are really relaxed about bedtimes when we are on holiday, but that’s a family holiday with DH and I. I wouldn’t expect other people to have to deal with my kids in this situation. It’s very different I feel.

I don’t understand her no iPad rule if her dd isn’t sleeping! Fair enough during term time - our dd’s don’t get screen time after dinner when they are school but during the holidays it’s different!

MsTSwift · 26/08/2021 09:28

It’s super bad parenting. Bad for the other children and bad for the child herself who will end up like Verruca Salt and be a hideous teen.

Say in a friendly tone what pp have suggested then at 8pm once your own cherubs are in bed pour yourself a large wine and put on Orange is the new black very loudly - an excellent box set full of prison swearing drugs and vigorous lesbian sex. That should do it.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2021 09:29

Say in a friendly tone what pp have suggested then at 8pm once your own cherubs are in bed pour yourself a large wine and put on Orange is the new black very loudly - an excellent box set full of prison swearing drugs and vigorous lesbian sex. That should do it.

Roaring at this 😂

ThreeFlowers · 26/08/2021 09:30

What a spoilt brat. The girl sounds awful and seems to have equally nasty behaviour at school. I really don’t understand how parents allow their children to become like that. It sounds like the girl is on track to becoming a nasty bully. Fair enough if she’s struggling to get to sleep (possibly adhd related?) but the girl should be in her room reading - not bothering you guys.

And as for Horrid Henry, I banned my kids from watching it as I could see the influence of Henry was bringing out the worst in my eldest who had mischievous tendencies anyway.

Don’t engage with it. A book on the balcony sounds like a nice relaxing plan.

EL8888 · 26/08/2021 09:32

Eugh cringe! For your friend and daughter -not you obviously. Your holiday evenings sound like my idea of hell so far. Your friends self awareness is terrible

crimsonlake · 26/08/2021 09:33

Problem is this child is being rewarded via entertainment from both of you for not staying in bed. So of course she will not want to remain in bed so you two can enjoy the evening to yourselves as it is clearly fun downstairs.
You need to have this discussion with your friend.

TopBlogger · 26/08/2021 09:33

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop Will it be a huge blow when if it turns into a row tonight and the friendship is damaged?

CoronaPeroni · 26/08/2021 09:34

Does her dd do this at home? Otherwise it sounds like she's testing her dm to see whether she's still the most important thing in her life. Sounds a nightmare for you but unless you make your feelings known in the strongest way possible your friend might not know what an absolute fucking pita every evening is. Good luck with tonight!

TopBlogger · 26/08/2021 09:35

Plus why the hell are YOU joining in ruddy Dobble? Are you mad? Stop indulging her too and say no!

fizbosshoes · 26/08/2021 09:35

Sounds quite annoying (kids tv is bad enough during daylight hours - I actually dont mind the odd game of dobble...but not all eve!)
We are pretty slack about bedtimes for our DC on holiday but we're usually with family or on our own. I wouldnt let them dictate the evening if I had already agreed with a friend how we would spend evenings

Jamdown123 · 26/08/2021 09:37

I've not read everyone else's posts, just yours, and you sound just like me and my friends.

If I were there with you, I would be locking my kid in the room at 8.30 pm! Haaaa JK - kinda. It's adult time, wtf?!

You deserve to be able to go on and on about your new relationship, finally you have stories to tell that are funny, and happy, and hopeful. You had years of complaining and talking about a shit of a partner. Why not go on about it, all of it, backed by a bottle of wine? Anything after watershed should be GIRLS' HOLIDAY!

Seriously wish I were there with you!

Go on the balcony, drink your wine, call another mate and chat to them! ALL THE DETAILS! Congrats on dusting off the cobwebs and leaving the nunnery!

LittleMysSister · 26/08/2021 09:37

Another vote for just going through to your room for the evening - when the Dobble comes out - "I think I'll leave you two to it tonight, catch up on some Netflix in my room, see you in the morning".

Your friend will likely get the message.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/08/2021 09:40

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@1AngelicFruitCake oh yes the "James is at stage 11 reading at just 5!". And then they do the 'Ill wait for you to be impressed' face

I just say I teach secondary and have no idea if that's good or bad[/quote]
I reply with ‘Lovely!’😄

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2021 09:40

*And as for Horrid Henry, I banned my kids from watching it as I could see the influence of Henry was bringing out the worst in my eldest who had mischievous tendencies anyway.
*
I think HH was based on mine. But they do go to bed. GinWineHalo

Although she is a massive PITA after 8pm on holiday, granted, I don't think we can really predict how Alyssa is going to turn out. That's not really what OP is getting at.

MzHz · 26/08/2021 09:40

This is where the British thing of hinting and hoping our message gets across fails

Stop hinting, start telling

You have a scary teacher voice… use it! 🤣😂

MackenCheese · 26/08/2021 09:41

Good luck for tonight! Look forward to the update Grin

rookiemere · 26/08/2021 09:42

Just talk to your friend. Tell her you want to talk about your new romance and do you think DD could go to bed at the same time as the other DCs.