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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/08/2021 08:22

So are you going to ask your friend to ensure Alyssa stays in bed this eve?

lollipoprainbow · 26/08/2021 08:24

I know you've name changed for this but I still think you'd be identified with all the info you've given !!

stepupandbecounted · 26/08/2021 08:24

I am not sure it is worth falling out over; just making your holiday bearable until you can get home for some peace!

I don't think straight talking will go down very well, at all, if she idolises her dd then op telling her straight is going to cause a meltdown as a minimum and impair the friendship indefinitely.

Better to tread water, do what you can to salvage any adult time, vow to never do kid holidays again, and then you at least have the option of staying friends afterwards (if you want to)

Does your friend not go on and on about her dd when you see her op? A similar situation to you, and not only did I have to endure the endless bragging from the child, but when she stopped the mother started, and would do so at every social occasion we went to, to everyone who would listen. She used to see her dd's 'talents' in some kind of deflected glory. I distanced in the end, because it was so totally draining to be around them.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 08:26

@Dozer

So are you going to ask your friend to ensure Alyssa stays in bed this eve?
Yes, I'm gonna say - and in front of the children - the mummy's deserve some adult time so everyone in bed no later than 9. Then the other ones will think it's great that they get longer up and Alyssa gets the message too (and hopefully my friend)
OP posts:
TootTootTootToot · 26/08/2021 08:27

I find other peoples kids annoying in the daytime let alone the evening.

Phobiaphobic · 26/08/2021 08:27

I'll never understand parents who let their kids call all the shots. It's quite simple - either the parent is in charge, or the child. Children shouldn't be the boss because they are children, and don't yet have the brain wiring or life experience to run a family. It also makes them insecure, because underneath all the tantrums and posturing, they're craving firm boundaries that make them feel safe.

ActonSquirrel · 26/08/2021 08:28

@TootTootTootToot

I find other peoples kids annoying in the daytime let alone the evening.
I sure everyone feels the same way about yours
lottiegarbanzo · 26/08/2021 08:29

You can tell her about your feelings; that you were looking forward to evenings with her, without that being a criticism of her dd. It's her presence, not her brattiness, that's the problem.

Yes that's a bit of a criticism of her parenting but, she mislead you, when you were planning the holiday. That's a big thing.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 08:32

@stepupandbecounted she's not usually too bad when we are alone if anything we will whinge about what prick challenging little things children are. She does have a deluded strange sense of how her DD is - says she's so kind and sweet and humble and not obnoxious or stroppy like other children Confused

This will make me sound like I'm about 14 but I am in a new relationship and wanted to tell my friend all about my new boyfriend. I broke away from an unfaithful (his end, he was nearly 40 and she was a teenager) and abusive marriage 3 years ago and have basically been a nun ever since, I was so burnt from that experience. I'm now nearly 40 myself but met someone 3 months ago and now I'm like a giddy schoolgirl, I'm ridiculously happy and wanted to talk about this while the honeymoon period lasts. I can't speak about my new boyfriend in front of my kids as they don't know I'm in a relationship and I want it to stay that way for now. And obviously can't say a thing in front of Alyssa because it risks her blabbing. Hey ho. I might just have to tell Siri on the balcony instead Grin

OP posts:
Cam77 · 26/08/2021 08:33

I would just leave them to it and say you're going to chill in your own room. I wouldn't bother "commandeering the TV" or whatever. Your friend clearly has the EQ of a watermelon, so whatever you say probably doesn't matter all that much.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/08/2021 08:34

OP, I agree absolutely with retreating to your room with iPad/TV/wine, and if she asks, tell her you really need some child-free peace!

@Oblomov21, sorry, but you certainly can have a real friend whose parenting makes you want to scream. I did - she was one of those who’d say No, No, No, No, No! - until that particular child had screamed and roared for 15 minutes, after which she’d inevitably give in - ‘Oh, go on, then….’

Upon which there would be an instant, triumphant beam from said child - ‘I’ve won again! I knew I would!’

It was infuriating, esp. when the same sanction had applied to my child of the same age, and I was never going to give in.

But all our dcs are long grown up and we’re still good friends. And funnily enough, her dcs have turned out fine. But I often really did have to bite my tongue.

LizzieBet14 · 26/08/2021 08:35

How about saying, "Ooh I really fancy watching xxxx tonight with a glass of wine - how about we give them a curfew of 9pm & then we'll get cracking!"
I'm a teacher & a lot of people think we like being around children all day long......
Ps you deserve a medal OP - I'd have cracked before now Confused

Longdistance · 26/08/2021 08:36

If brat is up tonight, take yourself off to bed with the wine and iPad. Watch the show you love and your friend can sit with Little Miss Brat.
Also, I’d be tempted when the girl says she’s brilliant at something to retort ‘well, you’re —fucking— useless at going to bed on time’.

starfishmummy · 26/08/2021 08:37

@LargeInCharge

Take your kids out early while she’s having a lie in and have loads of fun so she realises by staying up late (and sleeping in) she’s missing out.

I wouldn’t holiday with your friend again it sounds exhausting.

Even better take your kids and her better behaved sibling out for an early morning treat
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 08:37

@LizzieBet14 yes WHY do people think that? When I tell new people "I'm a teacher" they always say something like "Oh I bet you LOVE children" ConfusedHmmor even worse, if there's an issue with some random children they expect you to chip in/solve like some sort of unpaid mediator

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 26/08/2021 08:38

Not the child's fault. She is being indulged, and it's win-win for her, one to one time with her mum, and getting to stay up late and play whatever it is.

Honestly, I would just say it politely to your friend. You were looking forward to a good catch up, and it's just not happening. Then arrange that you get to watch grown up tv, and she and her child watch something in her room. Or whatever.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/08/2021 08:41

Make sure you take control of the remowte tonight and put your programme on. Do not let her swtch any kids' stuff on after 9. If she doesn't want her dd to watch it she can send her to bed.

WimpoleHat · 26/08/2021 08:44

When Alyssa appears, I’d just take a sympathetic tone and say “I don’t think being here is helping with this. I’ll give you some space to sort it and will go for a bath/read/phone call.” Gets the message across.

BungleandGeorge · 26/08/2021 08:46

Not unreasonable to expect the kids to be in bed by 9. However, listening to a blow by blow account of someone’s new relationship/ amazing new partner can be the equivalent of playing dobble...

LannieDuck · 26/08/2021 08:47

Ugh, I would be so upset by that. Surely the point of the holiday is that:

i) The kids get to spend time with their friends during the day
ii) You get to spend time with your friend during the evening

But I have a friend who lets her kids stay up late and I know how hard it is to say anything. I hope your plan of saying '9pm bedtime' really loud and clearly work...!

RandomMess · 26/08/2021 08:47

You could message your friend in advance and say you really need some child free down time this evening so could she take her DD back to her room if she gets up so you can chill and watch adult TV because this isn't feeling like much of a holiday.

Frazzled2207 · 26/08/2021 08:48

Sounds horrendous tbh
I’m on holiday with kids the same age- fortunately just my own.
My 8 yo “can’t sleep” either, but I just say that’s absolutely fine you can just read for a while. That said that is no different to the rules at home. I suppose it’s unreasonable to expect your friend not to indulge her constantly if she does at home

Sending my profound sympathies

Plumtree391 · 26/08/2021 08:51

She just needs to be told to amuse herself for a while her parents and adults have some time on their own. Perhaps one or two of the others would like to join her, it is their holiday too and children generally do stay up late then.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 26/08/2021 08:54

Awful
I agree with pp I wouldn't do another night when the child is there. Not one more smug, night time game of dobble. The minute she arrives and isn't sent back to bed disappear
Drink and mumsnet and let your friend know you are not happy

timeisnotaline · 26/08/2021 08:54

Good luck with Alyssa takes the hint and goes to bed. Can you tell I think there’s not a chance this happens?