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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
Nayday · 27/08/2021 16:50

@Lougle it was the 7pm part not the being settled I was grinning at, I have fond memories of it as a 'thing'! when DC was small.

To be fair I enjoy DS's company and he's old enough to be up and not grumpy the following day so it's just different now rather than worse.

Horst · 27/08/2021 16:55

7pm will change to 8pm older etc but you no adults need free time to chill and watch what they want too.

Again mine don’t have to be asleep for 7pm but they certainly are in their room. The younger two that is.

But we are talking about an an under 10year old in the ops posts so relates more than a 15 year old bedtime.

MeridianB · 27/08/2021 16:57

Your holiday buddy sounds like a twit - spending 90 mins of optimum drinking time negotiating with an 8yo to go to bed at 9pm?

But more importantly, surely the Harry Potter version of Dobble should be called Dobbie?!

LAgeDeRaisin · 27/08/2021 16:58

The issue with the 'everyone's parenting style is equally valid' brigade, is that while everyone has the right to parent as they choose, some people choose to parent in a way that is considerate to those around them (the OP), and some people choose to parent in a way that inconveniences everyone but their own child, including the children of others. (Make your daughter stay up when she's tired to keep Alyssa company? Seriously?)

While the OP obviously isn't going to start giving parenting advice to 3breakfasts, at least let her have a bit of a laugh and a moan about it online in an anonymous forum.

It so happens the vast majority agree with the OP, but that might just be because the one's who don't are too busy making 20 dinner options to have time to comment.

AngelPrint · 27/08/2021 16:58

@SpicyJalfrezi

What a horrible post about an eight year old, *@stepupandbecounted*

I seriously don’t know what is wrong with you, that you’d post all that.

@SpicyJalfrezi did you read the post. She’s talking about an adult who was raised to think the world revolves around them and that they’re the most important person in the room. This now adult is getting a shock. It wasn’t about an 8 year old.
stepupandbecounted · 27/08/2021 17:11

spicy she is eighteen. I was posting in reply to another poster who said they were interested to see how an Alyssa turns out. As it happens I know a few and posted about the eldest one. Apology accepted.

stepupandbecounted · 27/08/2021 17:16

I don't think her mother intentionally choose to damage her child's chances, but by making her feel that she is better than everyone else, superior and more special she has in fact ruined her. She was a lovely child that was corrupted by a narrative that was well intentioned.

I didn't think she would turn out that way, I thought she would grow up and gain a different perspective, and become a little more grounded etc, but she is perhaps even worse now than she was as a child, people don't take to it very kindly now she is an adult.

Shallwegoforawalk · 27/08/2021 17:17

@SpicyJalfrezi how many 8 year olds do you know have a job where they work in a team for 8 hours??? Duh! Confused

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 27/08/2021 17:28

@Plumtree391

Young children often show off to 'grown ups' who are not their parents. They think they being adult but of course they aren't, they just irritate. I don't suppose Alyssa would be swanning around, bragging, if other children were present.

Let both of the older children stay up and amuse themselves and each other. Each parent can tell their own that they want to relax and chat with their friend so please don't interrupt; likewise, the parents will not interrupt or interfere with what the children are doing.

I wouldn't do this as my DD is tired and ready for bed by 8.30! Also it wouldn't really e relaxing it would be "muuuuuuum" every 5 minutes
OP posts:
SpicyJalfrezi · 27/08/2021 17:34

You were saying this is who the eight year old will grow up to be, unless I have hugely misunderstood? If I have I apologise profusely, I had about three hours broken sleep last night Smile

NinaGonk · 27/08/2021 17:51

Sounds dreadful OP. I think this is a common thing, its a shock to spend extended periods with other people's kids, especially when you are good friends with the parents and expect their parenting to align with yours.

I experienced similar on a holiday recently, my friend's 8yo child had to do everything first and got the pick of everything. My friend apologetically told me it was for the best as otherwise there'd be a tantrum, and any bad behaviour was dismissed as "she's tired, she's not usually like this." So from now on I will limit our joint trips to one overnight and book separate accommodation.

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 27/08/2021 17:54

Her mother blames the school btw.

They always do! And won't hear maybe they have something to do with their child being lazy or expecting 9/A* results from doing very little work.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 27/08/2021 17:55

@LAgeDeRaisin

The issue with the 'everyone's parenting style is equally valid' brigade, is that while everyone has the right to parent as they choose, some people choose to parent in a way that is considerate to those around them (the OP), and some people choose to parent in a way that inconveniences everyone but their own child, including the children of others. (Make your daughter stay up when she's tired to keep Alyssa company? Seriously?)

While the OP obviously isn't going to start giving parenting advice to 3breakfasts, at least let her have a bit of a laugh and a moan about it online in an anonymous forum.

It so happens the vast majority agree with the OP, but that might just be because the one's who don't are too busy making 20 dinner options to have time to comment.

YES.

I actually don't think you're in a position to holiday with a single parent friend if you know your child is like this around bedtime, at least without fair warning anyway. Which clearly didn't happen here as they had both discussed having adult chatty wine evenings once the kids were asleep.

OP probably wouldn't have gone on this holiday if she knew it would be full dominated by the kids all day and all night too.

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 27/08/2021 17:55

BTW I actually don't think the 3 breakfasts is terrible parenting at all, friend is doing what she needs to do to get food into her child. Some might say I'm giving them a complex by restricting their food. It just shows how different we are in these parenting approaches. And I never realised how different we were until we 'lived' together

OP posts:
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 27/08/2021 17:57

@stepupandbecounted

I don't think her mother intentionally choose to damage her child's chances, but by making her feel that she is better than everyone else, superior and more special she has in fact ruined her. She was a lovely child that was corrupted by a narrative that was well intentioned. I didn't think she would turn out that way, I thought she would grow up and gain a different perspective, and become a little more grounded etc, but she is perhaps even worse now than she was as a child, people don't take to it very kindly now she is an adult.
I hope Alyssa is the former kind of person rather than the latter but I just see a child who will turn into a young adult who struggles in the world
OP posts:
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 27/08/2021 17:59

@NinaGonk

Sounds dreadful OP. I think this is a common thing, its a shock to spend extended periods with other people's kids, especially when you are good friends with the parents and expect their parenting to align with yours.

I experienced similar on a holiday recently, my friend's 8yo child had to do everything first and got the pick of everything. My friend apologetically told me it was for the best as otherwise there'd be a tantrum, and any bad behaviour was dismissed as "she's tired, she's not usually like this." So from now on I will limit our joint trips to one overnight and book separate accommodation.

Wow the second part of your post is this holiday!!! And 'she's just tired'...but HAS to be the first to do everything. My DD is pretty relaxed and doesn't care about being first as long as she gets a go thankfully
OP posts:
Durbeyfield · 27/08/2021 18:03

I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s f*ing tedious.
I haven’t been on holiday with that friend and her child since, as it really irritated me and my own kids complained bitterly that they had to go to bed while my friend’s child got to stay up (being a pain in the arse).
Take wine and watch TV in your room saying you need some ‘child free time’.

SunshineCake · 27/08/2021 18:09

@Nocutenamesleft

This thread reminds me of a friend of mine

Her child was punching. Head butting. Pinching. Scratching my friend in the throat. For a good 45 mins. He’s 4! She just let it happen. Because he wanted to swim in the pool on his own and some kids came in.

When he’d finished beating my friend to a pulp. He got put into the swimming pool and when other children went to go in. My friend said oh you couldn’t just wait could you. He wants to swim on his own. What astounded me even more was every member of the public went. Oh. Ok!!!

I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut. Didn’t work.

^ @Nocutenamesleft
Refreshpage · 27/08/2021 18:18

Your friend is a wet wipe.

Leave her chatting to princess spoilt face and go seek the nearest pub/bar and chat to random people.

Dreamingofbeergardens · 27/08/2021 18:33

I wonder what tonight will be like, I have a bad feeling that your friend will end up putting Alyssa to bed for an hour again Confused

torchh · 27/08/2021 18:37

I never want this thread to end. It's been fun. Though not for the OP...

Angryfrommanchester1 · 27/08/2021 18:38

@Horst

I don’t get what the issue is with having the same bed time. My younger two who share a room both go to bed at 7pm regardless of it being a school night or not. School nights they can read for a bit, non school nights they can have a movie on or play quietly in their room together.

I don’t want a livingroom full of children till 9/10pm stopping me watching whatever on tv or having a grown up conversation with my dh.

When we are on holiday we tend to be more lax but once they start getting moany or whiney and it’s gone 7pm then bed time because clearly over tired.

Lol…what do you think happens when they are teenagers Grin??? They don’t just stay in their rooms 24/7 ! How I wish for the days they could be packed off to bed at 8pm!
BorderlineHappy · 27/08/2021 18:49

Lol…what do you think happens when they are teenagers grin???
They don’t just stay in their rooms 24/7 !
How I wish for the days they could be packed off to bed at 8pm!
@Angryfrommanchester1

Teenagers by definition hibernate and only come out of their rooms to grunt for food.😂

Theredjellybean · 27/08/2021 19:07

But when they are teenagers they are good company, fun, watch same stuff you do and can get the wine from the fridge for you...and mine have helped me to bed before if I had too much vino

Angryfrommanchester1 · 27/08/2021 19:08

@BorderlineHappy

Lol…what do you think happens when they are teenagers grin??? *They don’t just stay in their rooms 24/7 ! How I wish for the days they could be packed off to bed at 8pm!* *@Angryfrommanchester1*

Teenagers by definition hibernate and only come out of their rooms to grunt for food.😂

Mine don’t 🤣 well not all of the time (as much as I’d like!)
DS17 has taken an interest in watching master chef with us, and having a drink at weekends, and DS16 either wants the firestick for himself or decides he’ll watch the film with us downstairs. DD12 wants to show us various Tiktoks non stop. They also go to bed later than me.