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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
Immunetypegoblin · 26/08/2021 22:22

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Immunetypegoblin I know, I wasn't impressed at all, I said do you expect me to suffocate him just so you can sleep?!
The scary thing is I think she had to think about that answer Grin[/quote]
I've got a kid like that tbf (the has-to-think-about-it type) Grin

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/08/2021 22:23

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@PamDenick no not really called Alyssa! And no trauma that I'm aware of (her parents split about 3 ish years ago)

I have done something very passive aggressive and now feeling a bit silly. I left my friend's full wine glass on the coffee table on its own to be found in the morning [/quote]
The only problem with this is there is a glass of wine going to waste. Apart from that you're all good.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 22:23

Maybe I should've taken the gentle parenting approach of 'Shall we have a chat about how your brother breathing makes you feel? Do you want to draw a picture for me?'

OP posts:
Jamdown123 · 26/08/2021 22:23

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@PamDenick no not really called Alyssa! And no trauma that I'm aware of (her parents split about 3 ish years ago)

I have done something very passive aggressive and now feeling a bit silly. I left my friend's full wine glass on the coffee table on its own to be found in the morning [/quote]
DON'T DO THAT!

What is one of the kids comes down again and drinks it??!!!

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 22:24

Oh well.
Could you not have texted her asking where she was

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 22:25

Ooh friend has sent me a text!!! Saying sorry but there's a mini meltdown happening upstairs and she's trying to calm it before she comes down so Alyssa doesn't follow her. And saying she hopes I haven't gone to bed as she doesn't think she'll be long

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 26/08/2021 22:25

Wow - she really is not interested in 121 time with you.
I wouldn't bother with her going forward... just gracefully disengage.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 22:26

What is one of the kids comes down again and drinks it??!!!

I'd be annoyed AF, they don't deserve it, it's a fantastic Chardonnay and would be wasted on their feeble palettes

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 26/08/2021 22:26

I’d actually give up on your friend - she doesn’t want to change this dynamic - it’s not healthy.
At least you know what she’s like now.
Best to whine away the hours!!! 😇

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/08/2021 22:26

Letting the child sleep extra in the morning will just perpetuate the problem. She needs to be got up early and made to have an active, energetic and exhausting day

Absolutely!

Make a hell of a racket (perhaps have a noise-making competition with the other kids) and drag the little madam out of her pit and force her to play volleyball on the beach or something.

And tell her she only wins at Dobbie (whatever that is) because it's so tedious and boring that you just want the game over quickly so you let her win. (That bit is spiteful - maybe don't do that bit . . . )

Watapalava · 26/08/2021 22:27

This is so odd

If you wanted nights alone you shouldn’t have gone with kids

Now is late I get that but 8:30 is way too early for anyone over 5 when on holiday

Why didn’t you let them play upstairs on their own til they fell asleep shattered and you both stay downstairs

Since mine were toddlers they just stayed up and fell asleep when tired on holiday

WimpoleHat · 26/08/2021 22:28

Think gentle parents are born, not created. they are a species unto their own. Great to watch and marvel, like in a zoo....

The zoo analogy is great, actually. Really good to watch - as long as it’s at a distance and you’re not having to stand in the shit!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 22:28

I rescued the wine and put it in the fridge! I'm giving her 10 minutes

OP posts:
DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 22:28

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Ooh friend has sent me a text!!! Saying sorry but there's a mini meltdown happening upstairs and she's trying to calm it before she comes down so Alyssa doesn't follow her. And saying she hopes I haven't gone to bed as she doesn't think she'll be long
Ha. Wtf. I'd she being passive aggressive and waiting until 11pm so she can say tomorrow...let's just let her stay up as it was 11 anyway?
SukonthaM · 26/08/2021 22:28

Pm Grin

Clymene · 26/08/2021 22:29

@Watapalava

This is so odd

If you wanted nights alone you shouldn’t have gone with kids

Now is late I get that but 8:30 is way too early for anyone over 5 when on holiday

Why didn’t you let them play upstairs on their own til they fell asleep shattered and you both stay downstairs

Since mine were toddlers they just stayed up and fell asleep when tired on holiday

It's not odd. The OP has five what I would have done. Sent the kids to bed. If they stay up giggling until 11, I don't care, as long as they're not in my space. It's the friend who is being weird, babying her 8 year old
Jumpingintosummer · 26/08/2021 22:30

10min… you are kinder than me.

Flowerpower23 · 26/08/2021 22:30

@Watapalava

This is so odd

If you wanted nights alone you shouldn’t have gone with kids

Now is late I get that but 8:30 is way too early for anyone over 5 when on holiday

Why didn’t you let them play upstairs on their own til they fell asleep shattered and you both stay downstairs

Since mine were toddlers they just stayed up and fell asleep when tired on holiday

This. My four year old goes to sleep at 8, no wonder an 8 year old on holiday thinks that’s too early!
Dishwashersaurous · 26/08/2021 22:30

At least you know that she only wanted company with the kids and wasn't actually interested in spending quality time with you

Watapalava · 26/08/2021 22:30

The friend is only doing that because op has sent her kids to bed and the friends youngest was in bed

She’s 8 and bored

I don’t blame her!

Let all kids stay up or at least the older ones

8 yr old are not all tired that early

The strict bedtime rule is the problem

headintheproverbial · 26/08/2021 22:30

This happened to me once with a weekend away with my friend and her children. It was awful, you have my sympathies. It just makes for an exhausting time as you get kid free time to recharge. Talk to your friend.

Watapalava · 26/08/2021 22:31

Op you can see it’s not working

Why carry on and ruin your holiday

Change tactic whilst you can

Dishwashersaurous · 26/08/2021 22:31

Err. The kids can read in bed. Everyone deserves to have a holiday and that includes adults having adult conversation

wonderstuff · 26/08/2021 22:32

I thought I'd be a gentle parent, but I'm not.
I did go on holiday with childless friends when my eldest was 2 and youngest was a few weeks. Never do this. My eldest was understandably a little challenging, food and bedtimes were a bit of a struggle and friends were quite judgemental. I do feel a little for the OPs friend, late bedtimes and indulging the kids is probably not really a problem at home, I wonder if bad habits crept on over lockdown when her eldest was probably good company of an evening.

Watapalava · 26/08/2021 22:33

They can have adults conversation I agree

Kids can stay up but in bedroom

I think that would be fine but forcing non tired kids to bed is ridiculous

Op is causing an issue pursuing this and actually causing bad atmosphere ‘to prove a point’

Just let kids stay up with a strict upstairs rule if needs be