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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 20:17

@SpeakingFranglais

IMO, we need to nurture our children like animals do. The kitten that doesn’t do as it’s told and wanders off? Give it a swipe, Take it by the scruff of its neck, deposit it where mummy cat wants it to be.

In the kitten sleep area.

Your friend needs to follow suit. Nothing wrong with some hard discipline And clear boundaries. I’m shocked at those that think you are a meanie 😂

How can you carry a child by the neck in your mouth?

Can you be given a swipe if I find you walking accross the kitchen counter? That's what our cat gets.

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 20:18

[quote gindreams]@DoWhatYouWantToAndShh
I m sorry you just appear to be unspeakably ghastly [/quote]
🤣
Yes. I am.

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2021 20:19

Too right in raising my voice at a rude 5yo screaming at her mother about a plate. How else would you expect me to treat her? Give her a round of applause? Ask politely not to do that?

I’m totally with you, OP. I too teach secondary and honestly, I have told off students for the way they speak to their parents at Parents’ Evening, for example. I am not going to sit there and allow the child to be downright rude to their parents in front of me.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/08/2021 20:25

@DoWhatYouWantToAndShh

"Well that's a nice story but I do believe you've made half of it up and as a teacher I need to tell you to brush up on your reading comprehension grin"

Says the person sitting losing Dobble to an 8 year old while watching horrid Henry.

Says the person heavily invested in a thread started by

‘a person sitting losing double to an 8 year old whilst watching Horrid Henry’

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 20:25

@Cherrysoup

Too right in raising my voice at a rude 5yo screaming at her mother about a plate. How else would you expect me to treat her? Give her a round of applause? Ask politely not to do that?

I’m totally with you, OP. I too teach secondary and honestly, I have told off students for the way they speak to their parents at Parents’ Evening, for example. I am not going to sit there and allow the child to be downright rude to their parents in front of me.

Nobody would think you should. If they're being rude in your professional setting and you're their teacher. But I'm sure you'd not yell at them.

This one was having a flap about a plate.
Not my kid to yell at or my place.

I wouldn't have got them a new plate but ops friend doesn't parent like that and does get them new plates.
It's ridiculous. But that's her kid.

What makes me laugh us that she's happy to yell at 5 year old but finds 8 year old so unbearable but can't say anything. Makes no sense.

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 20:27

I have insomnia and it made me laugh. Sorry.

MsTSwift · 26/08/2021 20:28

I think someone has been at the vino and it’s not the op!

Limeavocado · 26/08/2021 20:31

Op I’m really surprised at the odd person on here who doesn’t recognise the sensitivities of implying that a friend’s child is not the light of everyone’s life at 10pm at night when all the other kids are in bed. Most of us realise that to get even near to the truth would likely mean the friendship wouldn’t be the same again.

I actually think you’ve been very kind to go along with it for a few nights, and your optimism that it was going to change is rather cheering! I think most of us recognise that you’re a really decent person who’s simply at the end of her tether and needs an outlet on here whilst her own friend is oblivious to the impact her ‘parenting’ is having.

I’ve been in a similar position to you (not on holiday though thank goodness) several times and I know it’s really wearing.

namechange7865 · 26/08/2021 20:31

Finally caught up with this thread after seeing it in active for a while and just want to say YES to all those not putting up with BS kid behaviour. I don't understand why any adult allows their own offspring to talk to them like shit and act like dicks, my kids wouldn't DARE and nor would I as a child. My youngest can be challenging but he still does exactly what he is told. I have no sympathy for parents who are walked over by their kids, it's self inflicted and bad parenting that isn't good for anybody.

I wouldn't talk to the friend about it either, she's clearly made a rod for her own back, it's not an isolated incident, you've handled it how I would, I hope you're getting your quiet night tonight to natter about boys Smile

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 20:33

@MsTSwift

I think someone has been at the vino and it’s not the op!
🤣🤣🤣

I'd be even more ghastly.

I don't drink really.

Hopefully op is managing to talk about adult stuff as we speak. Swilling wine. Laughing about 8 year olds who are up until midnight until she bravely saved the day.

torchh · 26/08/2021 20:33

Very odd, but very entertaining I suppose

littlejalapeno · 26/08/2021 20:34

So many assumptions that when the parents have got it wrong it must be because they are gentle parenting and not just lazy or unable to cope or just care more about an easy life than parenting their kids. Gentle parenting isn’t these things, but some people feel safer with what they know and that’s ok too. Therapists need to make a living after all Wink

I think I would’ve said something on the second night OP. But I’m not from an English family where kids are only tolerated by the adults so it’s a strange one to read. Though I’ve never experienced a child performing quite so hard for so long so deepest sympathies there. Tbh reads like everyone is being a bit childish. Hope youve said something in a way that ruffled the least feathers and got your desired outcome.

Boopeedoop · 26/08/2021 20:34

I'm literally clock watching to see what happens at 9pm.

whynotwhatknot · 26/08/2021 20:35

Has she gone to bed op

torchh · 26/08/2021 20:35

@littlejalapeno

So many assumptions that when the parents have got it wrong it must be because they are gentle parenting and not just lazy or unable to cope or just care more about an easy life than parenting their kids. Gentle parenting isn’t these things, but some people feel safer with what they know and that’s ok too. Therapists need to make a living after all Wink

I think I would’ve said something on the second night OP. But I’m not from an English family where kids are only tolerated by the adults so it’s a strange one to read. Though I’ve never experienced a child performing quite so hard for so long so deepest sympathies there. Tbh reads like everyone is being a bit childish. Hope youve said something in a way that ruffled the least feathers and got your desired outcome.

Are you suggesting all 'English' families only 'tolerate' their children?
SpicyJalfrezi · 26/08/2021 20:37

I’m clearly late to the party and while the OP is clearly NBU, I don’t think @DoWhatYouWantToAndShh is totally off the mark either.

It is partly a teacher thing, and I’m not trying to sound like an arse here, but it is very easy to adopt a bossy and my-way-or-the-highway approach at home as well as school, and I don’t really see that as a good thing.

I am my child’s friend. I’m not just their friend, of course - I’m a parent as well - but yes, I am their friend, I want them to turn to me when something is wrong.

I’ve gone off subject. I hope the OP has had some child free time. We do all need it, but there’s a gentle way of getting it.

LAgeDeRaisin · 26/08/2021 20:37

@MsTSwift I think someone probably needs that vino after 3 days negotiating with the kids about whether they will put on pyjamas or brush their teeth.

oknowimscared · 26/08/2021 20:38

Teacher voice isn’t the same as yelling. You’d be a pretty crap teacher if you were yelling.
Where is Alyssa, @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop ? I hope she’s firmly in bed…

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

EastWestWhosBest · 26/08/2021 20:39

I've got 3. They rejoice at adult gatherings, one especially delights in showing everyone his Minecraft worlds. Ah the square chickens and pigs. Glorious.

Now I know you are lying, or you don’t have friends. No adult, ever, has given one single fuck about a child’s mine craft world.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 20:43

T minus 20 minutes.

Kids are in PJs and have had supper. Seth brushing status: imminent.

Child attitude status: disaster. There's been some fallings out over alleged cheating at Uno (Alyssa blaming my 9yo for cheating even though it's basically impossible to cheat at Uno). My 9yo basically told her to pipe down and Alyssa threw herself about the room for a while as my friend tried to politely 'come to the sofa and chat about it'.

Therefore I'm not certain we will have an adult only night, I'm sure Alyssa will be too upset to go to bed

OP posts:
justamomentplease · 26/08/2021 20:44

@torchh

The more Gentle Parenting I see, the more I think it's bullshit
Yes, yes, yes.
Notmoresugar · 26/08/2021 20:44

I really feel for you @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I've got a friend who's daughter was just like this, plus a serious attention seeker.

Now that she's a 12 year old, she's a very forceful law unto herself and an absolute nightmare.

None of our friends want to be around when her daughter's there.

But it's down to her for thinking that the sun shone out of her arse and for never enforcing any boundaries.

Crockof · 26/08/2021 20:44

@torchh

Honestly *@DoWhatYouWantToAndShh* what's your beef?
My money is on that she is holidaying with frangipani
Watapalava · 26/08/2021 20:44

id say YABU for sending them to bed since its a holiday for the kids too

However the issue is that some kids in bed and not all

If all up, the kids would likely wander off and leave you both alone

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