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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 18:31

@torchh

The more Gentle Parenting I see, the more I think it's bullshit
I agree, I once thought I practiced it when the DC were babies and no actual parenting beyond feeding/changing/keeping alive had to be done. But it turns out I'm a "do as you're fucking told" parent

I actually am somehow on a gentle parenting Facebook group and I see just how parent centered gentle parenting is. One woman the other day posted that she was in tears at the thought of her son starting reception, even though he's 5 in October. Cue swathes of posters saying put him back a year and enjoy another year with him. I thought poor fucking kid, being held back a year for the next 14 years because mummy can't cut the apron strings

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 18:32

@MsTSwift

Agree It’s bullshit. I also think it does the kid no favours. They think the world revolves around them and finding it doesn’t is a nasty delayed shock. It can make the unappealing to other adults (see op) and worse to their peers as many are whiny and self absorbed. And they don’t really like it either most kids quite like reasonable boundaries they feel safer.
There are a few "Alyssas" in DD's class and she avoids them like the plague. It's not like when they're in infants and everybody is friends, by about age 7 they clock on as to who's a PITA and who they benefit from a good friendship from
OP posts:
torchh · 26/08/2021 18:33

I need to ~infiltrate~ join that gentle parenting group

Loyaultemelie · 26/08/2021 18:36

I have a DN who is never told no. His classmates really dislike him because he's bad tempered and spoiled but his DM never says a word to him. I minded him a few times and got told I'd need to make him potato pops for lunch because that's all he'd accept. He actually told my kids they were stupid for accepting the rubbish we were making (note his younger sister happily asked for it). He was shocked at an empty plate, and a stern I don't feed rude children. His DM was amazed when she collected him to see him happily (and with some relief) tucking into sausages, mash and carrots with the rest.

nomdechangge · 26/08/2021 18:37

A friend of mine is worrying about how she's going to get her son to school on time in sept. He doesn't like to wake up before 8:45ish and apparently doesn't like being rushed when getting ready in the mornings.

The kid is 4.5 years old.

Who is in charge here? 😂

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 18:43

WTF are potato pops? 😂

OP posts:
torchh · 26/08/2021 18:44

They sound amazing

Nixandwotsit · 26/08/2021 18:47

Well, after 9 if the child comes down to join you why should you go to your room? You could suggest that your mate goes off to her room with her daughter to play games as you're going to watch grown up TV and neck wine?

Hemingwaycat · 26/08/2021 18:47

I’d hate this too. I have a 9 year old and there’s no way I’d indulge this kind of behaviour. She goes to bed when she’s asked and that’s the end of it, if she wants to arse around coming downstairs she gets bans on her games. Your friend is way too soft, she shouldn’t be allowing this at all.

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Girasole02 · 26/08/2021 18:51

@LittleMysSister

Another vote for just going through to your room for the evening - when the Dobble comes out - "I think I'll leave you two to it tonight, catch up on some Netflix in my room, see you in the morning".

Your friend will likely get the message.

This x100! Enjoy your evening and let them get on with it.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 18:53

@DoWhatYouWantToAndShh

Christ alive you're the best parent everrrrrrr.

You're now raising your voice at her 5 year old.

There'll be a thread here soon asking aibu to think my friend shouldn't yell at my 5 year old.

You sound so smug, it's practically oozing out of each post.

😂😂

Too right in raising my voice at a rude 5yo screaming at her mother about a plate. How else would you expect me to treat her? Give her a round of applause? Ask politely not to do that?

OP posts:
StressyWoman · 26/08/2021 18:54

That’s absolutely ridiculous, I’d be annoyed too! My 8yo is a nightmare to get to sleep but he’d be upstairs amusing himself regardless of if he was asleep or not.

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 18:55

@Loyaultemelie

I have a DN who is never told no. His classmates really dislike him because he's bad tempered and spoiled but his DM never says a word to him. I minded him a few times and got told I'd need to make him potato pops for lunch because that's all he'd accept. He actually told my kids they were stupid for accepting the rubbish we were making (note his younger sister happily asked for it). He was shocked at an empty plate, and a stern I don't feed rude children. His DM was amazed when she collected him to see him happily (and with some relief) tucking into sausages, mash and carrots with the rest.
Thank God you were there with your amazing skills.

🤣🤣🤣

Foxmylife · 26/08/2021 18:55

I would absolutely refuse to play dobble, hate bloody games anyway but no way, when you want adult time!

PollyPepper · 26/08/2021 18:58

What kind of twat uses a knife and fork for toast.

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 26/08/2021 19:01

It's not your child.
You've whined about the gentle parents being smacked around the head and by 7 you can see who is a pita at school etc.

Yet you can't talk to your friend about her 8 year old. Why didn't you just yell at the 8 year old or use your crazy teacher skills to get her to bed, or is it just 5 year olds you yell at?

I can't imagine you as a teacher. Eye rolling and yelling all day.

torchh · 26/08/2021 19:01

Spot the Gentle Parent (hint. It's @DoWhatYouWantToAndShh)

torchh · 26/08/2021 19:02

Where does it say the OP was 'yelling'?

Melliferous · 26/08/2021 19:04

does 'gentle' mean lazy?

torchh · 26/08/2021 19:05

@Melliferous

does 'gentle' mean lazy?
Maybe not all the time, but certainly a lot of the time!
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 19:07

@DoWhatYouWantToAndShh

It's not your child. You've whined about the gentle parents being smacked around the head and by 7 you can see who is a pita at school etc.

Yet you can't talk to your friend about her 8 year old. Why didn't you just yell at the 8 year old or use your crazy teacher skills to get her to bed, or is it just 5 year olds you yell at?

I can't imagine you as a teacher. Eye rolling and yelling all day.

Well that's a nice story but I do believe you've made half of it up and as a teacher I need to tell you to brush up on your reading comprehension Grin
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/08/2021 19:07

@torchh

Spot the Gentle Parent (hint. It's *@DoWhatYouWantToAndShh*)
I think she's he friend of the PP who complained the teacher didn't get to know her DD on an emotional level 🤣
OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 26/08/2021 19:09

Other people's parenting is never good enough is it?! I don't holiday with other families for this reason - it's so frustrating. My SIL has a completely different parenting style to me so trying to holiday together with our kids is just completely awful. In your case I would go to bed or go for a walk (or to the pub) and make it clear that once my children were in bed I wouldn't be entertaining any other children.

Dreamingofbeergardens · 26/08/2021 19:12

There's a difference between a child being incredibly rude and behaviour that is caused by their parents not being able to say no. Hmm