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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/08/2021 23:42

NC'd for this.

On holiday in a cottage with a friend and we each have 2 kids - mine are 5 & 9 and hers are 5 & 8. I haven't seen this friend in ages as I moved away from my town a few years ago, then COVID happened so this was a great chance to catch up and ours kids are all get on very well. We said loads beforehand that we couldn't wait to talk about what's going in our lives - her with a new job and home, me in a new relationship etc. We stocked up on wine for the holiday as we said we would put the kids to bed and wile away the hours on our balcony (we've been away before and this is something of a tradition). We also wanted to catch up on the same TV show we are watching and watch new episodes together as we don't know anyone else who watches this show.

When we got here we decided 8.30 was a reasonable bedtime for the kids, and my 2 and her youngest have gone down no problem every night after busy days. But We've been here 4 nights and every single night her 8yo refuses to sleep so she brings her downstairs to spend the night with us. Meaning the dynamic COMPLETELY changes, rather than playing poker like we usually do, we have to play Dobble. And instead of watching our TV show (which wouldn't be appropriate with an 8yo around), my friend puts Horrid Henry on.

The talk is PG - no catching up the way we wanted has been done - and, at the risk of sounding nasty, her 8yo has turned into quite an obnoxious little thing. I've spent the last 4 evenings hearing from the 8yo herself about how amazing she is in school, better than all the other kids and she is 'top of the class' (I am a teacher, there is no such thing), how Isabella is rubbish at swimming and she could swim better than her when she was only 4, how she drew a better picture today than my DD, how everyone wants to be her friends and she only picks the most popular girls to be friends with and not the others etc. She also says pretty rude things like "Why do you eat your toast whole, that's a stupid way to eat it, you should cut it up". I do tell her not to be so rude and comment on what people eat.

My friend just gazes at her starry eyed, says nothing when she's rude and makes an extremely feeble effort to put her to bed. It usually starts with her tucking her in at8.30, then at about 9 her DD comes down saying she can't sleep then she takes her back upstairs, before coming back down saying like "oh dear, Alyssa wants to stay up with us, I said that's fine for a few minutes". Then at 11pm they both go up together.

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm spending my holidays nights playing a children's game, the conversation centring around how amazing a rude 8yo is and watching cartoons. It's 11.30pm now, I'm alone downstairs nursing the rest of the wine and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

To make matters worse, my friend said tonight in front of her DD "Alyssa says everyone woke her up this morning making noise so in the morning if she's still asleep everyone will have to be extra quiet". Alyssa was still in bed today at 9.30am!! My kids, us adults and my friend's youngest, are up at 7am. I'm not tiptoeing around just because she can't put her DD to bed on time! I did say well if you went to bed when your mummy told you you would be up at the same time as everyone else.

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 26/08/2021 10:21

Jeez. I can’t think of anything worse than spending the evening with someone else’s kids when mine are in bed. You’re so lovely sitting up and playing dobble, i’d have been going upstairs sharpish with my book and wine.

Quick exit tonight if the friend reneges on the 9pm bedtime for sure

QueenHofScotland · 26/08/2021 10:21

@MsTSwift

It’s super bad parenting. Bad for the other children and bad for the child herself who will end up like Verruca Salt and be a hideous teen.

Say in a friendly tone what pp have suggested then at 8pm once your own cherubs are in bed pour yourself a large wine and put on Orange is the new black very loudly - an excellent box set full of prison swearing drugs and vigorous lesbian sex. That should do it.

Haha loving this suggestion! Definitely not appropriate for an 8 year old 😂 was just saying to DH last night how good it was.
QueenHofScotland · 26/08/2021 10:22

To those of you commenting on the OP wanting to talk about her nee BF.

She just wants an adult blether with her friend FGS

Powerof4 · 26/08/2021 10:23

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Oh *@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop*, I so relate to the Scary Mum voice and taking no nonsense!

We had a kid round for a play date a couple of weeks ago, and when his mum arrived to collect him he didn't want to leave. Perfectly understandable, but instead of saying briskly "great you've had so much fun, but we need to go, so thank you and get your shoes on - NOW", she sat down on the floor with him to "problem solve". Twenty minutes later, negotiations are still continuing, and eventually I had to kick them both out because we had places to be!

"Gentle parenting" has a lot to answer for, I swear. Hope she gets the message and you get some adult time tonight.

Oh my goodness, this! We’ve had it take half an hour for negotiated extraction of one kid, more than once. Just wtf??
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 26/08/2021 10:24

@sunglassesonthetable

I once carried my tantrumming DD out of a play date tucked under one arm, like some sort of screaming surfboard. Thankfully I only ever had to do that once.

I literally love you. 🤣

Thanks! DD threw mega-tantrums as a toddler, but is a pretty lovely 9 yo now (who would love to be allowed to stay up and "entertain" the grown ups of an evening and is categorically not allowed to!)

TiddleTaddleTat · 26/08/2021 10:26

Yeah I would hate this. I'd probably just go to bed early and catch up with the tv series / reading.

Lysianthus · 26/08/2021 10:27

Suggest you adapt your language after 9pm to include a thesaurus of swear words.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/08/2021 10:28

Oh my goodness, this! We’ve had it take half an hour for negotiated extraction of one kid, more than once. Just wtf??

Ha

I think people should just go out or go do something the kids can't actually do or just take their kids away on to the next thing.

The second others stop enabling this stuff and it negatively impacts the parent, miraculously the issue will likely disappear.

Justgettingbye · 26/08/2021 10:30

No the child should piss off to bed and stay there Grin

CharityDingle · 26/08/2021 10:31

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Oh *@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop*, I so relate to the Scary Mum voice and taking no nonsense!

We had a kid round for a play date a couple of weeks ago, and when his mum arrived to collect him he didn't want to leave. Perfectly understandable, but instead of saying briskly "great you've had so much fun, but we need to go, so thank you and get your shoes on - NOW", she sat down on the floor with him to "problem solve". Twenty minutes later, negotiations are still continuing, and eventually I had to kick them both out because we had places to be!

"Gentle parenting" has a lot to answer for, I swear. Hope she gets the message and you get some adult time tonight.

I remember from another forum, a mum who literally could not understand when her son started school, that the teacher did not have time to explain everything to him, individually. I don't mean schoolwork, I mean instructions given in the classroom. The teacher was supposed to explain, as mummy did, why he needed to take out x book, or sit in x place. She genuinely didn't get it. He also refused to stop playing something that wasn't allowed, in the schoolyard because it wasn't his own teacher who told him to stop. Poor kid, set up for a lifetime of being disliked I imagine.
wonderstuff · 26/08/2021 10:35

Good luck! I think friends that parent differently is so difficult. I remember a weekend away going up and down to kids that wouldn't settle and getting so cross with them because I wanted time with my friend! Now mine are secondary age they really don't want to spend any time with me under most circumstances!

BillyIsMyBunny · 26/08/2021 10:35

Fingers crossed that all children are in bed by 9pm tonight, but if not it if Alyssa continues to stay up on the next few weeks I think you definitely need to extract yourself from the situation. Sitting there and playing Dobble gives the impression that you’re ok with her being up and that you’re not after adult time, in your shoes I would take yourself away to your bedroom or the balcony with a book/ netflix etc and tell your friend your kids are in bed so you’re ready to relax and enjoy some adult time and for her to knock on and let you know when her kid is in bed so she can join you. If you’re not engaging in the child and are off doing your own thing you might find it’s much less enjoyable for your friend to have her daughter up and that she works harder to get her to bed.

Tal45 · 26/08/2021 10:37

Goodness when the mother said about the daughter being disturbed in the morning you should have said 'oh we'll have to make sure she goes to bed at the same time as the others this evening so she is able to get up in the morning, then it won't be a problem.'

Dixiechickonhols · 26/08/2021 10:38

Sounds like hell. I’d be so tempted to just ignore her put something like Netflix sex life on, pour your wine and enjoy your evening. You’ve been far too polite. Hope evening goes more smoothly.

Newchallenge · 26/08/2021 10:39

OMG I have a friend just like this! I feel your pain

Seagullsstopit · 26/08/2021 10:40

I've ditched friends over their inability to parent.
I had a holiday ruined by tantrums and indulgence, and I refuse to put myself in that position again.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/08/2021 10:42

Sounds a nightmare, but no point in falling out over it. No good will come from raising it with the mother, none of us like to hear criticism about our kids, even if we agree that they're little shits.

I remember a play date when mine were younger. The mum AND the dad stood at the bottom of the stairs, pleading, cajoling, begging their son to come down and put his shoes on, in very weak soft voices.

DH heard it all from the other room, went upstairs and put him over his shoulder and carried him out onto the drive .... "have a lovely evening, goodbye".

I was a bit Hmm at first but good for him really.

Good luck tonight OP, only 3 nights to go Grin.

Fizzbangwallop · 26/08/2021 10:47

I love the suggestion of telling the brat ‘well you’re absolutely rubbish at going to sleep at bedtime’ when she boasts about how amazing she is Grin

MiddleParking · 26/08/2021 11:01

I’d maybe do something like promise a special breakfast tomorrow for the children “but only if you all go to bed and go to sleep nicely at bedtime and stay there all night”. Then when yours and her younger one squawk “we did go to sleep at bedtime” say “yes, you did, you three went to bed and to sleep beautifully, we were so pleased with you. Let’s try for all four of you tonight!” Most kids, especially attention seeking ones, love praise from someone else’s mum, plus there’s a peer pressure angle. Your friend will know it’s a dig but it might also help her with her ineffective parenting. And if she does genuinely think it’s a privilege to be around her eight year old she deserves a few digs.

rookiemere · 26/08/2021 11:04

No passive aggressive digs or rewards - I'd be pretty peed off if that happened and I was the friend.
It has to be using your words. If she is then resistant to the idea then suggest something like the reward breakfast, but ultimately I think it's best to be as straightforward as you can and leave the responsibility for parenting with her.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 26/08/2021 11:07

Ugh there’s absolutely nothing fucking worse than other people’s children and pathetic parents.

Getting out of bed when I was that age was a military operation, including the commando crawl across the floor. I can still feel the terror of trying to crawl across the landing/down the stairs and thinking my parents heard.

She wants to come down because it’s fun, a short and sharp, ‘you’ve not tried I’m putting you back to bed now’ would have worked from her mum the first night. The precedent is set now, all hell will break loose if Alyssa doesn’t get her own way.

Why has she changed this holiday? I wouldn’t repeat a holiday with your friend until your kids were older.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 26/08/2021 11:07

What’s the old saying? You only like your own kids and even then it’s delicate!

LittleMysSister · 26/08/2021 11:09

I agree re steering clear of digs. Tbh I don't think you can do much more than you have done - ask her to get her in bed on time so you can have a nice evening. If she doesn't do it, I would 100% just take myself off to my room and leave her to play with her DD.

She is 8 years old, more than old enough to understand how to stay in her room after bedtime. If your friend won't enforce that even just for these remaining 3 days then I'd just take myself out of it (WITH the wine) and enjoy the evening chilling in your own room.

Smackthepony · 26/08/2021 11:19

OMG why do people pussy foot around children! She goes to bed at 9 and stays there. If she can’t sleep that’s her problem. She reads a book or finds something quiet to do. Why can’t you just be honest with your friend and just say that you’ve given the children their holiday time, now it’s yours and don’t want any of the children around from 9 o’clock. As kids my Mum used to tell us that when her friends came round it was her time to spend with her friends and we were not allowed in the room or to interrupt. I respected my Mums wishes. (There we’re consequences if I didn’t) I understood the rules, end of! I have a lovely relationship with my Mum as an adult.

ArrrMeHearties · 26/08/2021 11:34

The friend really needs to set boundaries for her dd. You and her mum need adult time in the evenings every parent does.