2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months'

[islandhoppin]

As continued from my previous thread.

Did you really have no indication that she could be like this in the course of your friendship? This has gone way way beyond the spoilt toddler tantrum now, into unstable behaviour territory.

Has she ever exhibited any similar behaviours before, maybe for example after being dumped by a boyfriend or something?

At this point, I echo the advice of going to the police. She has gone past the town of unhinged and has taken up residency in the village of unstable.
Get your sister to help, get your DH to help and I'd even go so far as to suggest getting a solicitor to help by arranging a restraining order for you and your family against her and anyone connected with her (you don't want her flying monkeys to start hassling you if she is told to stop).

Best of luck to you @islandhoppin dealing with this.

Can you imagine what would have happened if you had said yes and she had moved in??? Scary thoughts!!!

@BillyIsMyBunny

She sounds unhinged. That said I can sort of understand why she is frustrated given that you have blocked her and completely cut off all contact and so are not giving any opportunity for things to be resolved. Obviously from your point of view I can see why you don’t want to resolve things as she has undoubtedly been very unreasonable throughout the situation, but I can sort of see her side as well in that she wants to be heard out.

I think in your shoes I would agree to speak to her in a neutral place and with someone else present to give her a chance to say what she needs to say and get closure. Obviously the friendship is over and there’s no chance of her coming to stay now but it sounds like she is struggling with the abruptness of the end and with not being able to express a final word. That said, if you don’t feel strong enough to put yourself in that position given how angry she is that is completely understandable! In that case I think I would at least send a message to say you’re sorry things have come to this but that you both clearly have different expectations of how things should work in a friendship and that it seems like the differences are going to be irreconcilable. You enjoyed the time you spent together as friends and thank her for the times she was there for you but the friendship has clearly run its course so you don’t wish to talk to her again but you wish her all the best in the future. At least something like that would give her some closure and hopefully enable her to take a step back from all of her very unreasonable behaviour and hopefully diffuse some of her anger.

eh Naw 😱

Giving her a chance to speak will unleash a torrent of abuse and tears onto the OP. It's not even kind to the would-be houseshare because if the OP says they can meet and she'll listen, it'll give her entirely the wrong idea that therés some hope.

It'd be a dreadful encounter and the OP's had enough.

OP is there anyone who can get this woman off your case? Anyone she respects enough to back the fuck off, if they tell her to?

I'm so sorry she is causing you so much distress

Oh golly OP. I hope you are ok. She's being awful. I would agree with pp to contact the police and start getting these things logged.

Good god OP. Definitely a matter for the police. Her behaviour has escalated and is now downright frightening. She clearly has no boundaries whatsoever

I think we know now why she 'wants' to leave her house share. What's the betting she's being kicked out due to unreasonable behaviour?

Absolutely awful for you Island. I hope you have lots of RL support

Bloody hell what is wrong with her?!

OP, did you actually confront/speak to her when she turned up at your house?
Surely she cannot expect to stay with you (and remain friends with you) after posting her rant on FB and leaving abusive voicemail messages
What is she hoping to achieve?

@Nanasueathome

OP, did you actually confront/speak to her when she turned up at your house? Surely she cannot expect to stay with you (and remain friends with you) after posting her rant on FB and leaving abusive voicemail messages What is she hoping to achieve?

This!

What’s been going on, @islandhoppin?

Who does she currently live with? Are they aware she has significant mental health problems?

If you contact police, I think their first step might be to visit her and have stern words about consequences if she continues. I think that can often suffice. Good luck. And well done for staying strong

Who does she currently live with? Are they aware she has significant mental health problems?

You can't possibly know that the OP's CF ex-friend has "significant mental health problems" ...........She's unreasonable, selfish etc, but there are loads of possible explanations for that eg she's an unreasonable & selfish person

@BillyIsMyBunny

She sounds unhinged. That said I can sort of understand why she is frustrated given that you have blocked her and completely cut off all contact and so are not giving any opportunity for things to be resolved. Obviously from your point of view I can see why you don’t want to resolve things as she has undoubtedly been very unreasonable throughout the situation, but I can sort of see her side as well in that she wants to be heard out.

I think in your shoes I would agree to speak to her in a neutral place and with someone else present to give her a chance to say what she needs to say and get closure. Obviously the friendship is over and there’s no chance of her coming to stay now but it sounds like she is struggling with the abruptness of the end and with not being able to express a final word. That said, if you don’t feel strong enough to put yourself in that position given how angry she is that is completely understandable! In that case I think I would at least send a message to say you’re sorry things have come to this but that you both clearly have different expectations of how things should work in a friendship and that it seems like the differences are going to be irreconcilable. You enjoyed the time you spent together as friends and thank her for the times she was there for you but the friendship has clearly run its course so you don’t wish to talk to her again but you wish her all the best in the future. At least something like that would give her some closure and hopefully enable her to take a step back from all of her very unreasonable behaviour and hopefully diffuse some of her anger.

No.

It’s not up to the OP to manage her ex-friend’s behaviour or emotions. Someone like this is not going to respond to “leaving things positive” or get “closure”. It’s far more likely to fuel the fire at this stage. Considering the behaviour it sounds like the ex-friend’s problem is more than “bad character” and she’d probably be better off if the OP did report the harassment. If her behaviour escalates it’s better for the OP and her if there is something recorded. If she has a visit from a couple of police officers/contact from authority it might actually help her put her behaviour in context of what’s acceptable. The OP trying to negotiate a peaceful end to the friendship absolutely won’t and the OP has to do what is good for herself.

@islandhoppin Dear God, she's unhinged! Please tell us you've reported her to the Police! She needs some sort of restraining order. What did you say to her when you caught her?? Was your partner there?? She's harassing you & committing threatening behaviour & slander with all the social media stuff. The Police need to tell her to stop!

Hope you are ok OP and have plenty of real life support.

I have had someone flip out on me for not agreeing to something similar.

I just couldn’t understand their determination to ignore my wishes and just keep ramming their point down my throat. Wouldn’t take no for an answer, I’d barely notice them living with me, actually doing me a favour and so on.

It all came to light about a week after they had planned to move in. They had redirected all their mail to my house. They’d planned to use my address for all sorts.

Not a real loss.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

@BillyIsMyBunny

She sounds unhinged. That said I can sort of understand why she is frustrated given that you have blocked her and completely cut off all contact and so are not giving any opportunity for things to be resolved. Obviously from your point of view I can see why you don’t want to resolve things as she has undoubtedly been very unreasonable throughout the situation, but I can sort of see her side as well in that she wants to be heard out.

I think in your shoes I would agree to speak to her in a neutral place and with someone else present to give her a chance to say what she needs to say and get closure. Obviously the friendship is over and there’s no chance of her coming to stay now but it sounds like she is struggling with the abruptness of the end and with not being able to express a final word. That said, if you don’t feel strong enough to put yourself in that position given how angry she is that is completely understandable! In that case I think I would at least send a message to say you’re sorry things have come to this but that you both clearly have different expectations of how things should work in a friendship and that it seems like the differences are going to be irreconcilable. You enjoyed the time you spent together as friends and thank her for the times she was there for you but the friendship has clearly run its course so you don’t wish to talk to her again but you wish her all the best in the future. At least something like that would give her some closure and hopefully enable her to take a step back from all of her very unreasonable behaviour and hopefully diffuse some of her anger.

Why on earth do you think the OP should expose herself to further abuse & manipulation from this dickhed ex-friend?

Your advice is ludicrous & dangerous.
Stalking & harrassment should not be rewarded by nice little meetings to get "closure" for the abusive party.

The abusive party needs to fuck off, & total disengagement from them is the only way to do that. See ANY professional advice on the subject.

This entitled & barking ex-friend didn't listen when OP tried to explain kindly that she didn't want to get steamrollered into letting her move in. What makes you imagine that any more words on the subject are suddenly going to make her see the light & behave reasonably?

Reasons are for reasonable people.
Unreasonable people only understand power plays, & need to be avoided/

Wow. At the very least, I think you should try to
contact her family and let them know what’s going on. That’s one aspect of this situation that I can’t understand, she has family in the area and a boyfriend so why’s she fixating on you to help her out? There has to be more to this than she’s let on.

If her family don’t respond, I think you do need to involve the police. So sorry you’re going through this. 💐

Listen to chargingbuck.

Have NO further contact with her, and speak to the police and a solicitor.

@islandhoppin

Hi everyone so sorry for the radio silence. It's been a hard weekend. She's tried everything. Been to the house twice, I caught her trying to open my back door to let herself in..

Bloody hell, OP! She sounds like she's lost the plot. Not trying to excuse her behaviour, but is something going on with her in her life to make her behave so desperately?

Yeah call the Police

Bloody hell, OP! She sounds like she's lost the plot. Not trying to excuse her behaviour, but is something going on with her in her life to make her behave so desperately?

If there is, a short, sharp shock like receiving a visit/warning by the police may persuade her/her family to get her the help she needs.

She doesn't get to harass, stalk or try to break into someone's home - perhaps she needs this spelling out to her by someone in authority. 🌹

Newestname001 True re: police, but I'd still be curious to find out what's going on. This sounds like such extreme behaviour from someone who only last week OP counted as her best friend. To go from that to the friend attempting to force her way into OP's house suggests something is seriously amiss.

What does she hope to gain by breaking in? That she's in now, so that's that?

Mental.

Hope you are ok OP

OP - hope you're OK, this must be incredibly distressing for you.

I agree with PPs, it's gone way beyond trying to salvage the friendship now. It's now about protecting yourself. I cannot believe the woman tried to get into your house. This is horrific. I hope you've been able to contact the police and that they've been able to have a serious word with her. I think she's lost the plot.