2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months'

[islandhoppin]

As continued from my previous thread.

I'm honestly struggling to get my head around this one.

She wants to move herself and her dog into your house rent free, have her boyfriend come and go as he pleases, and then verbally abuses you when you quite rightfully say no... and she still thinks she's in with a chance of moving in if she gets her boyfriend to talk to your partner?! Jesus wept.

Let faggy fagerson talk to your DP and let him unleash hell on him. He can ask cheeky man-
For a start why do you need to move in as well? You have your own place Smoky Joe!
The dog can’t come- factor that in.
Why can’t CF respect my girlfriends boundaries?
Why do you think you can move in somewhere an contribute nothing.
And finally … FUCK OFF

I'm on my way back home on the train. I shouldn't be too much longer. I just hope I don't bump into her at any point. She knows about my trip today for work so I don't want her to collar me at the station when I arrive.

She's fucking insane!

She's shouting down the phone on a voicemail to me, about how unfair I am. How I'm a s friend, I don't deserve her, she's going to speak to her BF to get him to talk my DP round.*

She is delusional.
How does she imagine this is going to work for her?
That her desire to squat in your home is so righteous that all that needs to happen is for her, her b/f, & your partner to harangue you until you cave in ... & then you'll see the error of your ways, & everything will be peachy?

Who could possibly live like that?

It is she who is the shit friend. She knows all about your anxiety, yet feels justified in piling into you like this. Don't feel small & deflated OP - that's what she's after. She genuinely believes that if she makes you feel bad enough, you will give in.

This is the real her. This is what happens when her 'friends' don't take orders. She is a monster, I hope you block her & dump her. No need for you to do anything about that btw - I'm sure when your lovely partner listens to her batshit ravings, he'll contact her/her b/f himself, to tell them to fuck off & stop bullying you.

That's fine, just give your DP the heads up so that he's expecting it and can say a straight 'no'.

It doesn't sound as if your DP and her DP are friends, just two people who are connected through their partners, so it's not going to be a big deal for him if you are no longer friends with her. I mean he's not going to be so upset at the thought of losing touch with the other guy that he'll invite CF to stay.

I can't imagine a friendship coming back from this sort of stress so hopefully she'll be out of your life soon. Although I bet that she'll need something from you in a few years time and pop up out of the blue pretending to be friends again.

Wow - she was really sure she could impose on you!

Her messages seem to be revealing what kind of person she really is.
She is showing no concern for you.
(it is even worse because she knows exactly how your MH issues are affecting you.)

I'm really sorry that you have had to discover how short she comes in friendship. She isn't the woman you thought she was.

You are in the right. She is so wrong.

I wonder if the CF's family member, the one she co-owns the house with, has got fed up with her and has bought her out, with a few extra grand thrown in if she leaves soon? That would leave her with the money for half a house, all she needs is somewhere free to stay while she saves up a bit more to buy somewhere else.

She is absolutely right on that message. You don't deserve her.
You don't deserve any of this and she is obviously unhinged. She's just sounding more and more manic. As if "getting her BF to change your DPs mind" is going to work.

At the moment this is all full of utterly ridiculous drama and you are full of upset. But dear oh dear you certainly dodged a bullet. Imagine having her staying with you for a period of time.

She sounds deranged.

I am so sorry everyone I really hope that you don't mind me sharing all of this and venting on here.. I have found it so helpful to be able to talk to other people and not just my DP for advice.
You have all really built my confidence and I can't thank you all enough. You've helped me to say no in a situation that I would usually let her back me down on!!

It’s so sad that she is uninterested in your mh that she is going to try and over rule you by speaking to your bf. as if he doesn’t have your back in this!! I’m afraid it’s a hard one but I also am in the process of cutting out of a 34 year friendship because of her addiction s and selfishness, I’ve not done it yet but I will. Good luck stay strong and forget about her.

Just coming on to give you a virtual high-five, OP. It's tough saying no, even without aggressive bullying! You have made the right decision (Many years ago DH let a cousin stay rent-free in his flat, whilst DH was working away from home for a few months, and ended up having to get aforementioned cousin evicted - it was a nightmare and stress we didn't need). A week or two of harassment and guilt is a good investment to avoid months and months of stress and regret.

Your "friend" is probably embarrassed that she'll have to come up with a plan B with her boyfriend, having reassured him for weeks that it would be fine.

The idea that an extra dog, freeloader and wastrel smoker might impose for months on your oasis of calm is impractical, unfair on the neighbours and of no benefit to you.

You know, there are a lot friendships that get toxic or out of balance and we really don't see it until the Rubicon has been crossed. It's the 'boiled frog' analogy. And you're the frog who has now jumped out the pot!

Her reaction isn't coming out of nowhere. She's gotten used to you rolling over for her wants and needs. In the past they may all have been inconsequential and 'no big deal' so it's been fine with you. But it's still given her the feeling that you are 'required' to do what she wants.

This isn't in any way your fault. It's just the way it often is We aren't 'programmed' (at least most of us aren't) to be continually weighing and measuring our friendship 'give and take' to be sure it's 'fair' or that we aren't taking advantage/being taken advantage of. Friendship patterns evolve over time and unfortunately they don't always evolve in a fair manner. When that happens either the pattern gets shifted to a more equitable place or the friendship ends. And if the friends cannot agree on a fair and equitable place, then it's better that it does end.

You've stated your position and now you are stepping back. That's the right thing to do.

I haven't been friends with her for years and years and years, But probably since year 6 at high school.. I'm 24 now so maybe a good 10+ years? Either way, I never expected this from her. She's shown her true colours a few times before when she's been angry etc and said awful things, but this is a new level.

OP, vent all you like!

I know it's painful & confusing to lose a friend - that's inherent in the situation, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or with anything you've done. You've been magnificent & done all the right things. It's still going to hurt. But it will get better & as PPs said, you'll learn & grow because of this (& have more time to find better friends).

And just in case it makes you laugh, if you're such a shit friend & don't deserve her, why on earth does she want to live with you?

cat14

Island you are doing brilliantly.
A friend of mine once texted to say she wanted nothing more to do with me.
I was very surprised, but after a few weeks I started to realise that she had continually put upon me, and I had never put upon her.

Sometimes it's best just to let go.
I hope you get home safely tonight

I have a feeling the actual house/mortgage situation isn't what she presents to you. Could it be that she hasn't been making her mortgage payments and the co-owner is booting her out. Or they've defaulted on repayments and the bank is taking possession. Or could they be letting it out?

Hopefully she'll back off now.

I take it she's the same age as you? How would a 24 year old have nearly paid off their mortgage? Maybe she is in a pickle financially. Not that this is your problem. And I would never speak to her again after this behaviour

Good that you are getting your DP to listen to the message. That way he's in the loop about what a total psycho she's being, but you don't have to deal with her abuse.

I am utterly flabbergasted that she STILL thinks after everything she has done that she can come and live with you! It's completely insane!

How could she live with you, even if somehow your DP was okay with it.. knowing you really don't want her there?!? It's so bizarre!

She was gifted a fairly large sum which she put against her mortgage, so she doesn't have long left at all.

She sounds totally unhinged. How on earth would anyone's logical thought process be that they could shout at you and get their DP to call yours and persuade you it's a good idea!!! The mind boggles.
Stay strong OP. You will get through this.

Oh bless you OP, didn't realise you were so young. If it helps, saying no gets easier with time and with practice. It's a bit of short term pain for long term gain. And most people (not your unhinged friend of course) would prefer a polite 'no' upfront rather than a load of dithering

This has turned to being abusive. Do you have her email address? I would save these messages and consider getting your dp to send her an email that she is now being abusive and if she doesn’t immediately stop, he will report her to the police for harassment.