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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months'

970 replies

islandhoppin · 25/08/2021 23:11

As continued from my previous thread.

OP posts:
aloris · 26/08/2021 16:41

"I don't feel I deserved the way she's spoken to me. Maybe I'm wrong?"

You're not wrong.

Lockdownbear · 26/08/2021 16:42

Op I don't think you are wrong but it can be difficult to pick up the tone on a text message.
I'd listen to her voice mail they might give a better picture but distance is no bad thing.

ferretface · 26/08/2021 16:45

You are not wrong OP. This person is way, way over the line and their inability to see that their behaviour is unacceptable is an immediate red flag.

I have very good, old friends, occasionally they've needed to lean on me a bit and vice versa, probably there have been times where we've taken each other for granted a bit and been slight CFs to each other, the difference is that we can call each other out for it, apologise for any CF behaviour, and it is always give and take.

This person wants to hugely inconvenience you for their own benefit and seems totally oblivious to the fact they are upsetting you as well as being a total CF. Even though you are sending very clear signals. If this was a "friend" of mine they'd be out the door so fast they'd be spinning. Don't let them waste any more of your time and energy.

Original poster
islandhoppin · 26/08/2021 16:46

I've just listened to the first of the two messages she's left me.
No tears.

Shouting.

She's shouting down the phone on a voicemail to me, about how unfair I am. How I'm a s* friend, I don't deserve her, she's going to speak to her BF to get him to talk my DP round.

I don't want to listen to the other one. I feel deflated, and numb. Sad

OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 26/08/2021 16:48

@islandhoppin

I've just listened to the first of the two messages she's left me. No tears.

Shouting.

She's shouting down the phone on a voicemail to me, about how unfair I am. How I'm a s* friend, I don't deserve her, she's going to speak to her BF to get him to talk my DP round.

I don't want to listen to the other one. I feel deflated, and numb. Sad

Yep, getting rid of her is for the best. She's a complete bitch!
torchh · 26/08/2021 16:48

I would have to listen to the message.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 26/08/2021 16:48

@islandhoppin

I can understand the concern regarding cutting her out of my life at the moment, but honestly I don't think my MH can take a whole lot more of it. She's worn me down, been rude, obnoxious, self centred and just all round awful to me. I don't feel I deserved the way she's spoken to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
You DEFINITELY did not deserve the way she's spoken to you. You sound lovely, kind, empathetic.

Turn it around: if you were in her position and had asked her to take you in and she'd said 'no' how would you react? I'm sure like most decent people you'd have felt really nervous about asking in the first place (and in fact may not even have done so - because it IS a bit of a cheeky ask when there's a house available to live in). As soon as she said 'no' you would have said 'ok, no problem, forget I asked' and actually been really grateful for the offer to help find something else (which don't forget YOU offered).

You would not pile on emotional blackmail. You would not weaponize mental health problems (by the way in this scenario SHE is the one creating anxiety for you - a totally rational response to a supposed friend behaving like this - and another reason to keep her out).

You don't have to decide about the friendship now. Let your DP handle any communication with her for a while. He can say you're unwilling to discuss her request for you both to put up her and her dog rent-free for an unspecified time any more (and perhaps at the same time say it's a hard 'no' from him and every time she hassles you then the reasons for saying 'no' become greater).

Just take a step back, have a break. Maybe she is acting out of character, maybe there's something going on you don't know, but she hasn't told you and her behaviour towards you is not kind at all. Wait until the dust settles and then you can reevaluate.

Lottapianos · 26/08/2021 16:49

How horrible for you OP. I'm sure you're feeling very shaken. She's really trying to beat you into submission. Shame on her. You don't deserve any of this

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/08/2021 16:50

@islandhoppin

I've just listened to the first of the two messages she's left me. No tears.

Shouting.

She's shouting down the phone on a voicemail to me, about how unfair I am. How I'm a s* friend, I don't deserve her, she's going to speak to her BF to get him to talk my DP round.

I don't want to listen to the other one. I feel deflated, and numb. Sad

Nah, sad though it is, this is a good thing - it shows that the only reason she's been a 'friend' for all that time is because you served a purpose/use for her.

Keep the voicemail. DP will listen to it and the next one and by the sounds of it, will tell her BF exactly where to get off.

You've not lost a friend, she's lost a target.

ProudAlly · 26/08/2021 16:51

You've done nothing wrong OP. This is on her. She's been the bad friend not you. Please feel better about yourself. I'm so glad your DP is supportive.

I just can't imagine how anybody in their right minds would want to FORCE their way into your home when you don't want her there. It's crazy stuff, I think she's completely lost the plot.

ferretface · 26/08/2021 16:51

Don't listen to the other one OP, delete it without listening, change your number if you need to.

When someone shows you who they are like this, believe them. This person is a nasty CF who becomes abusive when they don't get their own way. Because they haven't got what they wanted they will resort to trying to make you feel as bad as possible now. A truly nasty way to behave and you'll only benefit from removing people like this from your life.

Lockdownbear · 26/08/2021 16:51

Let her DP talk to yours - I'm sure he'll be happy to say No!

I don't get it has to be more to it but it's not your problem.
Shouting at your voice mail - if she was a bloke you'd say wanker

FangsForTheMemory · 26/08/2021 16:52

She can't possibly think after this that you would agree to having her move in? She sounds utterly deranged.

If I were you, I'd block her on everything and let your OH deal with her.

Loudestcat14 · 26/08/2021 16:52

I'm really sorry she's gone from bad to worse, OP. Looks like you were absolutely right to block her. Flowers

AuntMasha · 26/08/2021 16:53

I’m so sorry OP, I thought that might happen as these entitled people follow a script and the script is that when they don’t get their own way then they begin to utilise anger and shame against you. That must be horrible for you, but look at it this way - she has shown you who she truly is.

You will get through this.

Boombadoom · 26/08/2021 16:55

What a CF. I can’t believe she is continuing to do this.

I would have to respond and say ‘you and I are no longer friends. You do not do what you have done to me to anybody. I am blocking your number, do not try to contact me or my DH again’

Remembering39862 · 26/08/2021 16:55

I will never understand people like this. She thinks the best way to convince you to let her stay rent free in your home for an undetermined number of months… is to scream abuse and swear at you. Aye love, great plan.

Seriously though, you sound like a really kind, thoughtful person, and she is massively taking the piss. Please remember that you don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone, let alone someone who claims to be your friend.

Harvestyo · 26/08/2021 16:55

@islandhoppin

I've just listened to the first of the two messages she's left me. No tears.

Shouting.

She's shouting down the phone on a voicemail to me, about how unfair I am. How I'm a s* friend, I don't deserve her, she's going to speak to her BF to get him to talk my DP round.

I don't want to listen to the other one. I feel deflated, and numb. Sad

Ha! Talk your DP round?

As if either of you would allow her to stay after that!

DoubleTweenQueen · 26/08/2021 16:56

@islandhoppin Just come across your threads.

She is not your friend - she wants to live with you for free because it’s convenient for her.
She doesn’t respect your boundaries, your consideration of her request - your negative acceptance of her suggestion - your home (you don’t allow your dogs upstairs; she will do as she wishes and leave her dog upstairs during the day and have it sleeping on the bed).

It’s all about her.

What’s the story behind her relative pushing for a sale? Was she living there alone? If she has lots of equity, why can’t she and her BF rent?

After her clearly self-entitled and disgusting treatment of you, you owe her absolutely nothing.

Go NC for as long as possible - or at least until she sorts her own living arrangements out and offers you a massive apology.

Time to find a new bestie. What an absolute cow.

Lovingtheglitter · 26/08/2021 16:56

she's really made me feel awful. Anxious, scared, worried and weak.

She may have done her best to make you feel like that but look how far you've come! You may say weak but look how you've stood up to her and refused to engage and not allowed her to ride all over your feelings!! You are not weak you are strong!!! Keep going!!

SunshineCake · 26/08/2021 16:56

You poor thing. You do not deserve this. You haven't done anything wrong. Even if you stole her man you don't deserve this shit. Have your partner listen to the voicemail. You need to know what ridiculous behaviour you are dealing with.

minatrina · 26/08/2021 16:57

I'm honestly blown away by her behaviour! Not only is she a shit friend, it sounds like she's a shit person too.

Let her waste of space boyfriend talk to your DP if he likes, your DP will just give him the same answer!

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 26/08/2021 16:57

Will your DH be able to stand up to her partner?

Chloemol · 26/08/2021 16:59

I would ask your dp to listen to the other message and just tell you, that way you know but dint have to listen to the tears and shouting

I would also question why exactly she is asking you to let her stay. If the mortgage is nearly paid off as you think then it makes no sense that she can’t afford to stay there, unless she has lost her job?

But then has she actually told the truth about the mortgage? Perhaps the house is being repossessed and that’s why she is having to move?

Either way something is not right, and you simply shouldn’t get involved in it all

Remember you and your do come first, she is a real CF

That’s all you have to remember

Original poster
islandhoppin · 26/08/2021 16:59

My DP will have a listen when I get home. I just feel so disappointed and deflated.

OP posts: