Page 13 | 2nd Thread: friend wants to move in for a 'few months'

islandhoppin · 2021-08-25T22:11:03+00:00

As continued from my previous thread.

TheWoleb · 26/08/2021 16:05

This is your best friend OP.

She was out of order. Totally. And you were right to say no. But blocking her number? and not speaking to her at all?
Are you sure about this?

Remember, all the people frothing on here are not living your life and do not have years of history with this woman.

You can say no. You can hold your ground on it. But you can also clear the air, have a conversation with your best friend and see if you can salvage this.

She has been totally wrong here, and the continued pressure on you was really shitty but sometimes even the people we love do shitty, stupid things. A conversation, not over text, could sort it. It could also solidify her position as properly selfish and then you know you're right to walk away, but you're blocking her and walking away over one incident, without even speaking to her.

Are you sure?

PandemicAtTheDisco · 26/08/2021 16:05

I tend to send messages for difficult conversations. I get railroaded into all sorts with one friend. I agree to stuff before I've really thought about stuff.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 26/08/2021 16:06

I can absolutely see why OP doesn't want to speak on the phone, I wouldn't either in this situation. People like this are so much harder to communicate with verbally when they've reached this point, they don't want to listen or hear what you're saying, they just want to talk and bully and shout and try every tactic under the sun. Text is way way better because it's easier to compose a measured, closed response that shuts them down every time. It's easier to be assertive that way.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/08/2021 16:07

Has her partner contacted your DP yet? That will be next.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/08/2021 16:10

A few recent posts are suggesting talking to the ex-friend. I disagree, though I know how tempting it is to feel that maybe things could be put right or put back to how they seemed to be in the past. Maybe this person ISN'T how they're presenting or proving themselves to be right now, maybe they're who I always thought they were.

Don't get drawn in, OP. Don't get tempted away from where you are now. It will only stress you for no positive end result.

Letting the phone ring out or go to voicemail, binning stuff that comes in the mail - been there, done that. It's hard, but it's the only answer. In the beginning I felt I had to answer, had to look, but I got to total ignoring in the end & they faded away.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/08/2021 16:10

I think the people suggesting that you have a phone or in person conversation probably have quite good boundaries, so it would be useful for them. I know that if I reasonably refused a request and the asker went off on an abusive rant it wouldn't affect me very much except to make me instantly close down the conversation. That's because I would view it on the level of a toddler tantrum and not personal about me, plus I'm not a people pleaser and, while I try not to do anything to inconvenience or annoy, I don't feel any need to inconvenience myself to make others happy. I suspect that the OP would be quite wounded by whatever nonsense the CF spews out and would spend the next weeks wondering if there's any truth in it (there isn't, you're a nice person OP).

Original poster

islandhoppin · 26/08/2021 16:10

I'm definitely sure I've made the right decision. I don't want to be walked all over any more. She knows that I struggle with my MH and has completely disregarded it.. like I said before I know her situation with the house. She's only a couple of months off completely paying her mortgage off so it isn't anything to do with that. I just don't want to engage with it all right now. she's really made me feel awful. Anxious, scared, worried and weak.

OP posts:

moralcompass · 26/08/2021 16:12

OP I've just read the thread and wanted to say bloody well done for sticking to your guns. It's really hard to say no when it's not something you are used to. You should be proud of yourself. I'm sorry you've lost your best friend but it just makes you wonder what sort of friend she was to behave in this way?

Loudestcat14 · 26/08/2021 16:13

@islandhoppin

She has overstepped the mark in my eyes, unfortunately. She knows I struggle with my MH and that her doing this will push me over the edge, but she's done it anyway. I can't understand why she couldn't understand my reasoning the first time round ☹️

Fair enough. I wonder if you listen to her latest voicemails that she might be saying sorry though?

NeverMetANiceOne · 26/08/2021 16:14

Op you are doing really well, I hope your friend backs off soon, she sounds crackers.

LakieLady · 26/08/2021 16:16

@Penistoe

The worst thing about this is your messages were very firm, yet she kept trying. Like she thinks you are weak and will keep chipping away until you give in, even when you specifically asked to respect the decision. A true friends does not behave like this.

I dumped a friend because she was like this. When she wanted me to do something (usually go to an event with her, so she didn't have to drive and could get pissed), she would just go on and on, trying to overcome every reasonable objection, even when the last one was "Because I don't want to".

Some people can be so pushy, and think they can make you do what they want by manipulation and, ultimately, by the sheer force of personality. Your "friend" sounds like one such, OP, she has no consideration for your feelings and I'd just ghost her now.

saraclara · 26/08/2021 16:17

she's really made me feel awful. Anxious, scared, worried and weak.

You haven't been weak. Weak would have been letting her stay. You've actually been amazing. Based on that first OP, I'd never have predicted how strong you've been. So please don't think you've been weak, even if you've felt it at times.

But yep, what she's done to you is unforgiveable.

AuntMasha · 26/08/2021 16:19

You do whatever feels right for you, OP. It sounds to me like this is a straw that broke the camel’s back situation and you’re finally waking up.

It does feel incredibly unnatural to take a firm stance with someone when you’re by nature a more gentle, empathetic person, but stick to your guns and stay strong. I know it’s painful, but in time you will look back and realise how much you have learned from this experience. 💐

TheWoleb · 26/08/2021 16:20

I dont know.

If a friend if mine said "I know what you're like" then I take it to mean they know what I'm like. They've known me for years, they know me, they know how I react to things and they know how to sit with me and talk if im upset. Just like I do for them.

You've taken it to mean "I know what you're like" as in, you're ridiculous, silly, over react and she is used to it so can ignore you, cope with it and doesn't mind if you do that.

She was still wrong. When you told her you would find it too difficult and she said she would be there for you when you're feeling like that because she knows what you're like, she was still completely wrong. Because the reason you'd be feeling overwhelmed would be her being there, so sitting with you when you're upset wouldn't help. But she could have meant it like that; that she'd be happy to help.

She was wrong. She wouldn't have helped. She should have listened to the no the first time.

But I wouldn't throw away a friendship over this without talking fully about it first. I wouldn't back down, I wouldn't apologise and I wouldn't be gentle gentle with them. But I would give them the chance to talk to me and let them apologise if that's were they were going. If not, then I would take your route of not speaking anymore.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/08/2021 16:21

Loudestcat14

At this point, who cares?

If someone I sneered at me like that it would be the end of our relationship (especially if they sneered at me while trying to get me to do them pretty much the biggest favour imaginable, at a very stressful time in my life & when they have plenty of other options available).

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/08/2021 16:22

@AuntMasha
"The one valuable thing I gained from my own experience with someone similar to the OP’s ‘friend’ was learning how to overcome self-doubt, value and like myself and become more confident of my own thoughts and feelings..

There’s often quite a bit of psychological growth when something like this happens to you. You are in a way forced to learn those essential life lessons."

^^^
This with pom poms on!

Me too!

I found this very, very, difficult... Because guess what, I was never confident in my own thoughts and feelings as these were always being trashed by cheeky fuckers. Over a few years, in my 20s I became massively more assertivemenr

Loudestcat14 · 26/08/2021 16:23

@ifIwerenotanandroid

Loudestcat14

At this point, who cares?

If someone I sneered at me like that it would be the end of our relationship (especially if they sneered at me while trying to get me to do them pretty much the biggest favour imaginable, at a very stressful time in my life & when they have plenty of other options available).

How does someone sneer by text?

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/08/2021 16:25

@islandhoppin

I know that she isn't in any financial pressures regarding the house, to pretty much paid off now so I don't think it could be anything to do with that. I'm

See, this is what's weird - why, therefore, did she say she was unable to pay any rent or contribute to bills?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/08/2021 16:28

Loudestcat14 are you the 'friend'? Or an FM?

The only apology that would count is:

I'm sorry I said the things I did. I'm sorry made such an unreasonable request. Of course you're right. I won't bother you any more now, & I hope we may be able to be friends at some point in the future.

And then said friend leaves OP alone to get on with her life in peace.

Dontbeme · 26/08/2021 16:30

See, this is what's weird - why, therefore, did she say she was unable to pay any rent or contribute to bills?

Because she preferred to live for free? Why should she pay for her bills when the OP can do it instead? This person is not a friend, she is a user, their thinking methods are different and they have no sense of shame or decency.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/08/2021 16:32

@TheWoleb - The OP has replied to your post and if you read both of the threads, the number of people frothing on here is ZERO.
We're championing the OP. She has been absolutely magnificent throughout.

She posted looking for advice and she got loads of advice.

Plenty have been in her position and said "Sure, come, stay" and lived to regret it (they posted on one or both of the threads), others could see it coming and were offering the OP their learned experience and advice.
Whether the OP took it or not was entirely up to the OP but to question whether the OP did what she felt was right for her - by blocking this CFers number on her phone so that the OP could get the space in her head to process this and deal with the whole situation, well, I think that's just wrong and not helpful at all.

Loudestcat14 · 26/08/2021 16:32

@ifIwerenotanandroid

Loudestcat14 are you the 'friend'? Or an FM?

The only apology that would count is:

I'm sorry I said the things I did. I'm sorry made such an unreasonable request. Of course you're right. I won't bother you any more now, & I hope we may be able to be friends at some point in the future.

And then said friend leaves OP alone to get on with her life in peace.

Absolutely not the friend or a FM! I didn't mean to sound harsh. I have read everything the OP has posted and unless there's a massive back story of the friend being a total railroading bitch time and time again, I just feel that cutting off the friendship without a final chat seems very drastic and that OP is being pushed into doing it by everyone on this thread, which is just as bad as her friend pushing her into letting her stay.

And yes, totally agree that the apology you've stated is the only one that would count. I just wondered whether, after sleeping on it, that's the message the friend has left on the voicemail.

VinylCafe · 26/08/2021 16:33

@Roussette

I wouldn't make excuses or answer her points. No is enough.

"I have made my position very clear. Please don't ask me again"

This!!

One thought, Op, she doesn't have an emergency key for your house, does she? Is she does, you might want to have the locks changed in case you come home one day and they are all moved in.

Original poster

islandhoppin · 26/08/2021 16:39

I can understand the concern regarding cutting her out of my life at the moment, but honestly I don't think my MH can take a whole lot more of it.
She's worn me down, been rude, obnoxious, self centred and just all round awful to me.
I don't feel I deserved the way she's spoken to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

OP posts:

Lockdownbear · 26/08/2021 16:39

See, this is what's weird - why, therefore, did she say she was unable to pay any rent or contribute to bills?

My thoughts exactly. It makes no sense. If her mortgage is almost paid off she can live in her own place for 'free' and save some money for a bigger house.

Something has too be pushing this, the co-owner, maybe do they want her and her smelly, untrained dog out?

There is definitely more to it, but it's not the Ops problem.