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Original poster

My father's new wife just called me in tears

118 replies

canttellanyone · 25/08/2021 19:43

Posting here for traffic. Need advice.

My DM and DF have been divorced since 2011. Other than seeing each other at my sibling's and my wedding - they have been NC since. They hate each other's guts. The divorce was long time coming as they had a bad relationship ever since I was a child.

3 years ago, my dad met this woman. Everything seemed great - they have same interests in history and politics, they frequently do day/weekend trips, go hiking and exploring new places, they both love eating out... seemed like a really great match. Occasionally, however, they'd get into a spat and it would always be very dramatic. She called me once or twice in a complete state, drunk, crying about my father not loving her, still being in love with my mum or the woman he briefly dated between divorcing my mum and meeting this woman. I expressed concern, but didn't press - just wanted my DF to know I'm there if he needs to talk.

They got married yesterday. It was a small registry wedding with just immediate family (my sibling, myself and the woman's son with partners) and 2 witnesses present with their spouses. It was a lovely day, everyone was happy, lots of laughter and all seemed perfect.

An hour ago I received another call from her, sobbing. My heart stopped - I thought my grandmother or my dad died (he has a heart condition). She proceeded to tell me that my DF called her by my mother's name and this is a 'proof that he never loved her and is cheating on her' with both my mum and that women he dated in between. 'I am like a daughter to her so how could I not tell her, how could I let her marry him'. I tried to calm her down and reassure her because if there is anything I am 100% sure about - that is that my dad is NOT cheating on her with my mum or that other woman. She wouldn't calm down so I asked to speak to him. He told me she is drunk, to forget this phone call and not answer her calls anymore. He apologized to me profusely and used some heavy words to qualify her behaviour.

This happened an hour ago and I am still very upset. I'm worried for him and his health and I am desperately sad that this is happening on the first day of his honeymoon. The thing is - they have planned a blessing ceremony this weekend and it was very important to my dad that my family attends. I can't imagine doing it now - even if they proceed with it.

Am I BU for being angry with her for calling me? I don't know if I can keep pretending stuff like this never happened and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 25/08/2021 19:46

Was she very drunk?

littlebilliie · 25/08/2021 19:47

Ignore

Original poster
canttellanyone · 25/08/2021 19:47

I can't tell. She wasn't scrambling words but she was incoherent. However, it was the same as the previous two times she called me.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 25/08/2021 19:49

She's an emotional drunk. YANBU to tell her never to contact you to discuss your DF unless it's related to his health or an emergency.

Go to the blessing for your DF. There's nothing to be done beyond that. He must know what she's like and he's chosen that for himself.

toughdaay · 25/08/2021 19:50

She sounds nuts. Can you avoid contact with her and just keep in touch with your DF?

thistimelastweek · 25/08/2021 19:50

Sounds like a bit of a pattern with the drink thing.

FlumpsAreShit · 25/08/2021 19:52

Could you block her number and tell her you found the calls deeply upsetting and would prefer just to catch up in person? She sounds a bit unhinged to be honest. DH hasn't been married before me - we married young - but if he'd been married for 20+ or whatever years before me I'd be able to forgive being called another name I think!

Oneearringlost · 25/08/2021 19:53

I think alcohol has got a lot to with it.

Aspiringmatriarch · 25/08/2021 19:54

Calling someone by the name of a previous partner (occasionally) actually means your brain has put them in the space reserved for the most close and beloved person. Maybe your DF could tell her that when she's calmed down/sobered up. She does sound pretty unbalanced though, what a shame. 😕

Original poster
canttellanyone · 25/08/2021 19:55

@Doyoumind she may be. It is just very new to me - my mum is a teetotaler and I've never seen dad drunk even though he enjoys his wine/beer on occasion. Not sure how to deal with her when she's in such a state.

@toughdaay - I mostly keep in touch just with dad, we see them together but I'll see dad on his own just as much. She does have my phone number for emergencies because of his heart condition.

@thistimelastweek - I agree. He told me before the wedding that she had some therapy sessions that helped and that cleared her mind. She herself told me that therapist 'helped her discover that's she was taking her insecurities out on him'... and I honestly thought that was behind them. They literally married yesterday.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 25/08/2021 19:56

Sounds like emotional drunk.
I hope she accepts her problem and seeks help.
All you can do is support your father. He made his choice.

Original poster
canttellanyone · 25/08/2021 19:58

@Aspiringmatriarch - i tried telling her that myself. She said that she was married twice (one ended because he was abusive, the other husband died) and she never called my dad their names. My dad was married to my mum for 31 years (they married young).

OP posts:
KindergartenKop · 25/08/2021 20:06

I have a relative who does this!
Tell her you don't want to discuss their relationship, it's not your place.

Sparklesocks · 25/08/2021 20:07

It’s not fair of her to drag you into her marriage. It’s between her and your DF, and if she wants to vent she should speak to a friend, not her stepdaughter. Sounds like she needs to address her drinking regardless.

WaltzForDebbie · 25/08/2021 20:09

Definitely don't discuss with her. It's horrible being the go between.

I would actually get quite cross and say you're not prepared to discuss their relationship. She's putting you in a really unfair position.

OverweightPidgeon · 25/08/2021 20:10

Your poor dad , I would speak to her and let her know that you won’t tolerate her drunken rambling.

tempester28 · 25/08/2021 20:10

She is probably an alcoholic and needs to get that under control.

LouLou789 · 25/08/2021 20:13

She is not being fair dumping all this on you. What does she expect you to do about it?

My DH once called me by his ExW’s name. It was in the earlyish days and he was just not concentrating. I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I knew he didn’t love her and that I was the love of his life. The problem is that this woman’s drinking has made her paranoid. Just ignore her calls in future, and only deal with her when she’s sober. And in fact, deal with her as little as possible, I do hope your DF will be ok with her. It does sound worrying.

Original poster
canttellanyone · 25/08/2021 20:16

The thing is - she is really lovely when sober and she seems to really love him. She is full of energy, vivacious, kind, has a great sense of humour... I really thought that this was it for my dad, someone he'll stay with until the end.

I just don't know how I can go and attend that blessing ceremony after this. I know it is his choice but it will be really difficult to pretend.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 25/08/2021 20:20

Just let your phone go to answerphone when she calls and let her move on to the next sucker who will listen to her.

Dacquoise · 25/08/2021 20:20

I think she's latched onto you as a free counsellor when she's in 'crisis', probably because she sees you as kind and sympathetic to her woes. You sound very empathetic.

However, this is not your circus nor your monkeys and being left upset by this call is not on. Why is she complaining to you about your dad? You're not his master nor a mediator. Totally reasonable for you to feel angry about it.

Can you pick a moment when she's calm and your dad is there to let her know that she can't call you with her troubles as it's disturbing and upsetting for you? Don't answer anymore calls from her. If it's an emergency about your dad she can text you. If you don't set a boundary now, she will keep doing this.

Original poster
canttellanyone · 25/08/2021 20:24

@Dacquoise, I may actually do that - ask to communicate via text in case of an emergency.

The only reason that comes to mind why she'd come to me instead of her friends is that I have a very close relationship with dad and she knows that.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 25/08/2021 20:27

Really inappropriate behaviour from her. She's treating you as a confidant in a way that attempts to drive a wedge between you and your father, and even you and your mother.

She might feel you're 'like a daughter to her' after knowing you three years but you actually ARE the daughter of your parents and it's not her place to try to come into that relationship. It's very self-absorbed of her.

YANBU to be angry. Your father is putting his head in the sand if he's going to ignore this and goes ahead with the blessing ceremony but he's an adult and it's up to him.

I definitely wouldn't pretend this didn't happen. I'd go to the blessing ceremony because you support your father, and afterwards (not immediately after but in the days proceeding) you can contact your step-mother, say that you're afraid this is going to be an awkward conversation but it needs to be said.

Tell you love your mum and dad and when she acts as though your loyalty to her exceeds your loyalty to them, it's incredibly uncomfortable because your relationship with them will always be your first priority, as much as you like her and want her and your father to be happy. So you consider her relationship with your father to be their business and you do not wish to ever be brought into it again. If she tries, the only outcome will be that she drives a wedge between you and her, which you don't want. So you hope she will respect your feelings on the matter.

Dacquoise · 25/08/2021 20:28

Yes it's like she wants you to tell him off or sort him out for whatever she's accusing him of doing. This will very quickly become very draining.

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 25/08/2021 20:35

I would text her tomorrow when she's sober and set clear boundaries, making it clear you don't wish to be dragged in to the middle of their relationship and her insecurities. Also make it clear that your dad isn't cheating and how frustrating it is to hear her badmouth your dad and you won't be acting as her personal Councillor. Do let her know that you are there should there be any emergencies or if there's anything you need to be aware of.