My father's new wife just called me in tears

[canttellanyone]

Posting here for traffic. Need advice.

My DM and DF have been divorced since 2011. Other than seeing each other at my sibling's and my wedding - they have been NC since. They hate each other's guts. The divorce was long time coming as they had a bad relationship ever since I was a child.

3 years ago, my dad met this woman. Everything seemed great - they have same interests in history and politics, they frequently do day/weekend trips, go hiking and exploring new places, they both love eating out... seemed like a really great match. Occasionally, however, they'd get into a spat and it would always be very dramatic. She called me once or twice in a complete state, drunk, crying about my father not loving her, still being in love with my mum or the woman he briefly dated between divorcing my mum and meeting this woman. I expressed concern, but didn't press - just wanted my DF to know I'm there if he needs to talk.

They got married yesterday. It was a small registry wedding with just immediate family (my sibling, myself and the woman's son with partners) and 2 witnesses present with their spouses. It was a lovely day, everyone was happy, lots of laughter and all seemed perfect.

An hour ago I received another call from her, sobbing. My heart stopped - I thought my grandmother or my dad died (he has a heart condition). She proceeded to tell me that my DF called her by my mother's name and this is a 'proof that he never loved her and is cheating on her' with both my mum and that women he dated in between. 'I am like a daughter to her so how could I not tell her, how could I let her marry him'. I tried to calm her down and reassure her because if there is anything I am 100% sure about - that is that my dad is NOT cheating on her with my mum or that other woman. She wouldn't calm down so I asked to speak to him. He told me she is drunk, to forget this phone call and not answer her calls anymore. He apologized to me profusely and used some heavy words to qualify her behaviour.

This happened an hour ago and I am still very upset. I'm worried for him and his health and I am desperately sad that this is happening on the first day of his honeymoon. The thing is - they have planned a blessing ceremony this weekend and it was very important to my dad that my family attends. I can't imagine doing it now - even if they proceed with it.

Am I BU for being angry with her for calling me? I don't know if I can keep pretending stuff like this never happened and I don't know what to do.

She's calling YOU because, let's be honest, she wants to drag YOU into the mess.

I think if I were a pissed up mess the only reason I'd ring adult DSD is because I wanted her to take on the role of conduit to DP.

So you need to have a long think about this. Do you believe her? Are you being set up as a go-between for the future?

Even if that was the problem the new wife has no right to come and upset OP with her dramas when is drunk or not.

Exactly.

The fact that the new wife can't see how inappropriate it is to draw her step-child into her relationship with her husband makes me think she has boundary issues – and the fact that she's freaking out about him possibly 'cheating' with a woman he divorced decades ago only adds to that impression.

My former MIL tried a few times to 'confide' in me about ways that she disapproved of her own daughter (my then-SIL) or tell me that her daughter had made critical remarks about me and she'd stood up for me. It was creepy as hell. I couldn't understand why she was sowing dissent within the family and throwing her own daughter under the bus (though to be fair she was probably doing exactly the same thing to me). Creating drama triangles is what unstable people do. I'd step well away.

Of course it's reasonable to be angry, and to be concerned that your father has just legally tied himself to a woman who behaves this way. But since it's apparently happened several times before, it seems he knew what he was getting into. I've never understood it, but some people will consistently choose to keep that kind of drama in their lives every time they're given another option, so it seems they enjoy it. Your father may just be one of those people.

Aw, your poor dad . Lucky he has you looking out for him. I have a relative like your stepmom: totally normal, nice person most of the time. As soon as she has a drink, she turns into a mental nutcase.

I would not get into any personal conversations with her. now, I would not refuse to go to the blessing event thing, it might be lovely, and run very smoothly. As far as your Fathers new wife, and her drinking and insecurities, she needs to sort herself out, and stop making herself look foolish.. Any you, will just have to watch this space, and see how the new marriage goes along from here.

She needs to stop drinking.
You need to stop answering her calls. I would possibly even block her number. She obviously can't be trusted not to make these awful phonecalls.

Her behaviour is totally inappropriate and if I were you I would not have much to say to her any more, other than maybe asking her to leave you alone.

@Onthedunes - my father is not a saint as I already said up-thread. He most definitely was an active contributor to the disaster that his marriage to my mother turned into. However, as someone who witnessed that marriage for 30 years - I am also in the clear re: him being the sole responsible party and am well aware that, as @midsummabreak said, it takes two to tango.

I also think it is possible he did call her my mother's name which triggered this reaction and I have no doubts that he engaged in a fight that ensued and was likely not tactful. However, he is not a liar, and I can't imagine he would have went ahead and married someone he did not love. We are not talking here about two feeble personalities - we're talking about two experienced, intelligent people completely independent of each other who made a conscious choice to tie the knot.

But yes - he and his wellbeing is absolutely my priority in this situation.

@AcrossthePond55 to be fair - I honestly can't imagine her abusing him nor him staying in an abusive relationship. From what I can tell - they only fight about this issue - her claiming he doesn't love her/is still in love with my mother/someone else after she drinks. She apologizes every time after the fight and promises it will never happen again and then some time passes and it happens again.

@SpindleWhorl - I really don't want to be dragged into this. They had my support to marry, they'll have it if they decide to divorce but I just don't think it is my place to intervene and I do think it is a bit icky to be dragged into my father's love life. I do believe she may feel as if she is not loved when she drinks or when if/when he makes a blunder of calling her my mother's name, I do not believe she is not loved or that my father still has romantic feelings about my mother or any woman other than the one he just married.

@PurpleOkapi - I think you're right. It was his choice. This did happen before and he knew about it and he made a conscious choice to proceed with the wedding. It must mean he considers good times to outweigh the bad ones. And that is fine with me. I'd just rather not be pulled into it when the bad times come and I am concerned about it affecting his health if it starts happening with greater frequency (not that I have any reason to think it will).

@1forAll74 - I will go to the blessing ceremony if there is one. I do think it will be hugely awkward though and am stressing about that a bit.

If your dad and mum were still close one could understand it, but in this circumstance it sounds more like it’s his partner’s insecurities conjuring a situation that doesn’t exist.

It may be that your father’s a bit cold/detached in relationships and she genuinely feels like he’s not that into her, and her mind focuses wrongly on this issue. But even if that were the case, getting hammered and calling his DD is not the way to deal with it.

Either way dragging you in is completely inappropriate, I would just stop taking her drunken calls. And tell her when she’s sober that she needs to stop calling you.

I’m afraid that it sounds like she does have a problem with alcohol. Alcoholism means different things for different people. Controlled alcoholics drink to excess (but at the detriment of their health - usually) but behave reasonably well up to a point. Some alcoholics avoid alcohol and lapse occasiononally, having a big bender then going cold turkey again. Others only drink to excess as a “coping mechanism” when confronted with situations that they are ill-eqippped or unwilling to handle. It is not a one size fits all diagnosis.

Sounds like a pattern when she's been drinking. I'd ignore her calls from now on.

Does she only ever call you drunk? If so I would block her number. If she calls you and it's normally fine I would just tell her that you don't want her to call you when she's been drinking any more, if she doesn't respect that then I would block her.

[quote canttellanyone]@Lachimolala - I honestly can't tell. I've seen her tipsy but not drunk in person. I also never saw her angry or upset except in those three situations when she called me. I do wonder about their relationship now but I can't tell.[/quote]
Ahhh I see. It must be really frustrating for you, you’re being put in such a difficult position. I think if I was you I’d take a big step back but maybe just keep an eye on things from afar, you have to look after your own mental health after all.

@dudoubleddoubleda

Hi OP, I wouldn't bother engaging with beigebrownblue.

I'd be really annoyed at this and would say something, a text would be fine. "Please don't call me about relationship problems with my dad, it makes me uncomfortable". If it carries on I'd probably respond quite sharply on the phone and tell her how inappropriate she is being. You can also let her calls go to voicemail - if its urgent she can text or leave a message.

OP. I'm making a valid point, as others have made.

What if the situation isn't as you believe it to be?

As for not 'engaging' with an alternative viewpoint, I feel that would be foolish.

OP, you are asking for opinions on here. Please consider them, even if they are not your original stance.

@canttellanyone

To be honest, the only reason I keep answering is because I fear it is a life/death/health emergency.

Well yes, it might be.

And if you think that it is, you need to take appropriate action.

I believe you are failing to see something.

If this were you, and you had just got married to someone, and you were really, really, unhappy, and you were appealing for help to the daughter of the person you had married, how would you feel?

I agree, there is something that doesn't add up. You say she called on their wedding night, how many people do you actually know where someone has done this.

Three times she has called over three years, apparently drunk, yet you have never seen her drunk.
I agree she should not be calling you but her reason for 'picking you' may be because she sees that you may have influence over you father and she is trying to appeal to you for help.

Not appropriate, but at the same time I don't think it is something you can just put down to drinking too much. She may be able , she may be intellegent but something is sending her over the edge to cross normal social boundaries and plead for your assistance..
She sounds very confused.
She chose you for a reason.

You have no responsibility to listen or help her, but I think if it were me I'd be wondering what was going on.

I'm sorry if you think people's corncern for her, means we are critising your father.

If this were you, and you had just got married to someone, and you were really, really, unhappy, and you were appealing for help to the daughter of the person you had married, how would you feel?
She isn't appealing for help, she's demanding validation because she's drunk and insecure.

If she was appealing for help - I most certainly would have been concerned and discussed this with both of them separately and together.

However, she calls me to tell me 'he doesn't love her, and she loves him so much'. Even if that was true what can I do - force him to love her back?