My father's new wife just called me in tears

[canttellanyone]

Posting here for traffic. Need advice.

My DM and DF have been divorced since 2011. Other than seeing each other at my sibling's and my wedding - they have been NC since. They hate each other's guts. The divorce was long time coming as they had a bad relationship ever since I was a child.

3 years ago, my dad met this woman. Everything seemed great - they have same interests in history and politics, they frequently do day/weekend trips, go hiking and exploring new places, they both love eating out... seemed like a really great match. Occasionally, however, they'd get into a spat and it would always be very dramatic. She called me once or twice in a complete state, drunk, crying about my father not loving her, still being in love with my mum or the woman he briefly dated between divorcing my mum and meeting this woman. I expressed concern, but didn't press - just wanted my DF to know I'm there if he needs to talk.

They got married yesterday. It was a small registry wedding with just immediate family (my sibling, myself and the woman's son with partners) and 2 witnesses present with their spouses. It was a lovely day, everyone was happy, lots of laughter and all seemed perfect.

An hour ago I received another call from her, sobbing. My heart stopped - I thought my grandmother or my dad died (he has a heart condition). She proceeded to tell me that my DF called her by my mother's name and this is a 'proof that he never loved her and is cheating on her' with both my mum and that women he dated in between. 'I am like a daughter to her so how could I not tell her, how could I let her marry him'. I tried to calm her down and reassure her because if there is anything I am 100% sure about - that is that my dad is NOT cheating on her with my mum or that other woman. She wouldn't calm down so I asked to speak to him. He told me she is drunk, to forget this phone call and not answer her calls anymore. He apologized to me profusely and used some heavy words to qualify her behaviour.

This happened an hour ago and I am still very upset. I'm worried for him and his health and I am desperately sad that this is happening on the first day of his honeymoon. The thing is - they have planned a blessing ceremony this weekend and it was very important to my dad that my family attends. I can't imagine doing it now - even if they proceed with it.

Am I BU for being angry with her for calling me? I don't know if I can keep pretending stuff like this never happened and I don't know what to do.

Did he call her your mum’s name?

I would not ignore this. When she is sober, I would tell her very clearly to never, ever call me again regarding any martial issues she and your dad may be having, and to absolutely never call, for any reason, whilst drunk.
If she does, you will be forced to block her.

I have zero tolerance for drunken drama.

we had a step mother like this. We'd get horrid texts had night and then in the morning an apology. Thing it was said. You need to say that she can't involve you in their arguments as it involves your mum as well.

I would be really angry, she is not your mum and even if she were, it is just wrong to call you when she is drunk, more so if it is to complain about your dad or involve you in the issue.

I’m sorry for you dad. If she cannot see she loves her hours after her wedding, when will she? Such lack of self esteem may mean your dad and all of you needing to walk on eggshells all the time.

@CheekyHobson I think she misunderstood my position on my parent's divorce (I was in support of that) for me not prioritizing them both individually, if that makes sense. I can and do love them both dearly even though I think that as a couple they were a toxic match. I just wish them both to be happy in their own way with whomever they choose. Love your wording - I really need to tell her that.

@Dacquoise it is also that she always calls sobbing and it takes me minutes to get out of her what is wrong. I immediately think the worst because my dear grandmother is not well and my dad had two heart attacks since 2017.

I think your dad made a mistake marrying this woman, but it is not your fault and you have no responsibility on it. It is for your dad to sort. I would back off contact with them until they either sort it, or split up.

@CyclingIsNotOuting I honestly have no idea. He literally never mentions my mum and I never had a feeling that he's thinking about her in any way. I'd be surprised if he did but then brains are weird things - my mum was his wife and now there is new Mrs.Canttellanyone so it is possible that he rewired stuff in a moment, I guess.

I am not sure about this.
Drunk or not.
She may have a point.
Not the best way of putting things across, but I wouldn't immediately label her 'an alcoholic' and dismiss what she is saying.

In vino veritas.

Question being why is she so distressed she is phoning you up like this.

meaning truth with wine.

Definitely a reason not to answer the phone to her again. She sounds like a hysterical nightmare. I would mention that she frightens you into thinking the worst has happened by sobbing down the phone like that. I feel angry for you.

@beigebrownblue - I agree with you that it is possible even if unlikely he called her by my mother's name. I would be ready to swear on my life that he is not cheating on her with anyone and most certainly not with my mother.

I'd decline to discuss her relationship with her husband. It is none of your business.

Honestly, I would stop answering her calls. She needs to talk to your df, not you.

Your dad told you to forget the phone call and not answer her calls any more. Listen to him! Don't let her drag you into any drama, especially drunken drama. If it happens again, hang up the phone!

Whether she has a point or not, its inappropriate for you (and I'm sure you dont want to) become her emotional clutch. You need to have a firm discussion with her when she is sober and enforce some boundaries there. She needs to find a better outlet for expressing her insecurities/concerns. One that wont potentionally affect anyones future relationships

I would ignore any calls from her in future and just communicate by text and in person. My aunt was like this and it’s the easiest way. Your dad is responsible for his own happiness and choices.

To be honest, the only reason I keep answering is because I fear it is a life/death/health emergency.

Have you thought about whether you’re the one she’s really jealous of? And that’s why you get the calls when she’s upset.

After the blessing, at some point when she is sober and you are alone with her I would say to her I really need to clear the air on this. When you phone me up, drunk and crying and wanting to talk about my dad it is embarrassing. Do you have a drink problem? Because this isn't normal, acceptable behaviour and I don't want you to ever do it again, please. Next time I will just put the phone down on you immediately.

I realise this isn't tactful - but I'd be bluntly fucking rude with someone who did this. It's cringe worthy behaviour.

Message to her: "I am not the person to call if you have a problem with my Dad. Don't you have any friends?"

Message to him: "I'm not going to be a part of any drama between you and X. Just to make myself clear. OK?"

What a worry for you - I am sure that you just want to see you Dad happy. It is highly inappropriate for her to be ringing you, but it looks as through it is alcohol induced so the normal social constraints go out of the window.

Tell her where to get off OP

Seriously this is ridiculous behaviour - and the fact that she is dragging you into this "drama" is telling

I am SM to 4 (now) adult step kids - if I did this to them they would be mortified and rightly tell me to do one. My DSC are very long-term (been in their lives for 20+ years and had full residency - just for clarity)

Be ultra clear - I do not want to hear about relationship issues and if you contact me again I will go no contact

Bloody hell she sounds like a right drama queen (possibly with a drink problem) who on earth does that?
Why is she calling you? Doesn't she have any friends?

It's really not your problem - tell her not to ring you regarding her relationship with your DF again - it's completely inappropriate.

Your DF should be dealing with her - how embarrassing for you!

She sounds quite childish for a presumably older woman! How distressing for you and for your father during what should be such a happy time.

Just be there for your Dad that's all you can do

@Aspiringmatriarch

Calling someone by the name of a previous partner (occasionally) actually means your brain has put them in the space reserved for the most close and beloved person. Maybe your DF could tell her that when she's calmed down/sobered up. She does sound pretty unbalanced though, what a shame. 😕

I don't agree with this at all, and feel someone needs to post in opposition.

No. calling someone of the previous partner's name is not okay. Ever.

No it isn't a sign of faithfulness and flattery and love.

It is careless and thoughtless.

And actually reallly offensive.

As well as a sign that the person who does this may have cheated on their partners for a long time/frequently.

why would this be okay?

Is isn't.

@midlifecrash why on Earth would she be jealous of me!?
@MadMadMadamMim I would love to be that blunt but I am afraid that it will create additional problems down the road.