My father's new wife just called me in tears

[canttellanyone]

Posting here for traffic. Need advice.

My DM and DF have been divorced since 2011. Other than seeing each other at my sibling's and my wedding - they have been NC since. They hate each other's guts. The divorce was long time coming as they had a bad relationship ever since I was a child.

3 years ago, my dad met this woman. Everything seemed great - they have same interests in history and politics, they frequently do day/weekend trips, go hiking and exploring new places, they both love eating out... seemed like a really great match. Occasionally, however, they'd get into a spat and it would always be very dramatic. She called me once or twice in a complete state, drunk, crying about my father not loving her, still being in love with my mum or the woman he briefly dated between divorcing my mum and meeting this woman. I expressed concern, but didn't press - just wanted my DF to know I'm there if he needs to talk.

They got married yesterday. It was a small registry wedding with just immediate family (my sibling, myself and the woman's son with partners) and 2 witnesses present with their spouses. It was a lovely day, everyone was happy, lots of laughter and all seemed perfect.

An hour ago I received another call from her, sobbing. My heart stopped - I thought my grandmother or my dad died (he has a heart condition). She proceeded to tell me that my DF called her by my mother's name and this is a 'proof that he never loved her and is cheating on her' with both my mum and that women he dated in between. 'I am like a daughter to her so how could I not tell her, how could I let her marry him'. I tried to calm her down and reassure her because if there is anything I am 100% sure about - that is that my dad is NOT cheating on her with my mum or that other woman. She wouldn't calm down so I asked to speak to him. He told me she is drunk, to forget this phone call and not answer her calls anymore. He apologized to me profusely and used some heavy words to qualify her behaviour.

This happened an hour ago and I am still very upset. I'm worried for him and his health and I am desperately sad that this is happening on the first day of his honeymoon. The thing is - they have planned a blessing ceremony this weekend and it was very important to my dad that my family attends. I can't imagine doing it now - even if they proceed with it.

Am I BU for being angry with her for calling me? I don't know if I can keep pretending stuff like this never happened and I don't know what to do.

[quote canttellanyone]**@beigebrownblue* - I agree with you that it is possible* even if unlikely he called her by my mother's name. I would be ready to swear on my life that he is not cheating on her with anyone and most certainly not with my mother.[/quote]
Sure. This is your perspective.
But your perspective is not one of an adult and you will never, ever want to believe that your father had done anything wrong.

And therefore you don't.

Perhaps his new wife is seeing something you are not .

When you have said ‘actually no they can’t stand each other’ what has she said?

I think you need to talk to her. Tell her she must never involve you like this again or your relationship with her will be over. Then go to the blessing and carry on as normal. If she does it again then you create distance. I don't think you should let it spoil the blessing for your father's sake. You say she has many good qualities so give her one, but only one, more chance, after issuing fair warning.

Perhaps his new wife is seeing something you are not .

Whatever that thing may be, she chose to marry him yesterday so it can't be all that bad.

Whatever it is, it's no business of the OP.

Your Dad’s new wife should not have chosen to call and burden you with her worries about your Dad’s behaviour- unsure why she doesn’t see how wrong this is? It would, however have been understandably disconcerting for your step Mum to hear your Dad call her by his previous wife’s name, just after getting married when she’s feeling caught up in the romance and things seemed secure in the relationship.

Your Dad made it clear that he believes that your step mum’s behaviour is due to drinking heavily, which certainly can result in confusion and highlighted emotions but the problems between them that caused the upset still remain. What were the heavy words that he used about his new wife’s behaviour?

I certainly don’t blame your step mum for being disappointed and completely uncomfortable with your father calling her by his previous wife’s name, however that doesn’t mean she has the right to go crying to you about it, drawing you into refereeing their private problems. She needs to sort it out with him, owes you an apology for trying to draw you into private issues once she is sober.
Were you sometimes the referee for your parents toxic arguments and poor behaviours in the past?

I called my partner by my exes name during a row , probably because I was always rowing with my ex . It does happen and I don’t think people mean to do it. My ex mil called me Linda ( my exes ex) she was mortified but didn’t do it maliciously.

Both my two husbands names have the same three letters at the beginning
Easily done in my case

Record the next drunken phone call and play it back to her when she's sober. Let her hear, in the cold light of day, how incoherent and rambling she is. And tell her in no uncertain terms that when she calls, you automatically jump to the conclusion that your DDad's taken ill.

@beigebrownblue to the contrary, I'm an adult who accepts that no one is perfect. My father can be a difficult man, can be stubborn, can even slide into being judgmental and intolerant but one thing he is not is a cheater. Even my mum would struggle to believe that and she hates his guts.

@TatianaBis nothing coherent. Something along the lines of 'I know but that's the proof he still loves her.' It wasn't clear at that point which her she was referring to as she kept mentioning my mum but also this other woman dad dated before he met his now-wife (they met about a year after this breakup).

Your df married her, he needs to deal. If she calls again just say ' sorry, I am not prepared to talk to you about this' and put the phone down.

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder

Perhaps his new wife is seeing something you are not .

Whatever that thing may be, she chose to marry him yesterday so it can't be all that bad.

Whatever it is, it's no business of the OP.

Actually I disagree.

It might be.

And for a newly married person to ask for help is a red flat whichever way you look at it.

The OP is having difficulty accepting that one, because they are 'birth' family.

red flag

Your dad should never have married her. She sounds a nightmare and a bad choice.

All you can do is not get involved and make it clear if she calls you again you will hang up. She's insecure and a drama queen with a drink problem.

It's disgraceful dragging you into the drama like this.

@midsummabreak, I am not judging her feeling hurt if he did that. I am not sure it would upset me but we all have different thresholds and triggers. That part is entirely their own business and I would not judge her for getting upset over being called a different woman's name. Names are similar - think Rose and Roseanna.

I was a referee in my parents fights - almost exclusively pulled in by my mum. It may be because my temperament is more similar to his - I stay calm and can be irritatingly rational. It also may be because we (dad and I) were always close. He however was always adamant that fights are not to be had in front of children and he always reacted badly when he'd find out one of us was pulled in.

He said that I should ignore this 'idiotic, drunken behaviour'.

If she calls anyway hang up and call your dad.

I just meant that you have a close relationship, you’ve mentioned this, and some women do think that the adult daughter is somehow an influence they have to confront (or maybe that was just women my dad dated…)

@midlifecrash oh, I really hope not. I love my dad and spending time with him - he is a wonderful grandfather as well - but he also has a life of his own, his circle of friends, his hobbies and we really are not in each other's pockets as much as this post may suggest. It would be awful if she hated our relationship.

Why the hell did he marry her? He's going to be stuck with her hysterics for years now 😳

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe the only explanation I have is that he really honestly loves her. After divorcing my mum he was set against marriage. I was actually surprised when he told me he was planning to propose.

You can't allay her insecurities @canttellanyone, but you can explain how worrying and upsetting these phone calls are. And that she cannot do it again.

Good luck.

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder

Perhaps his new wife is seeing something you are not .

Whatever that thing may be, she chose to marry him yesterday so it can't be all that bad.

Whatever it is, it's no business of the OP.

yes, it is .It is everybody's business.

If she is noticing something is wrong with the man she is choosing to marry and noticing also he is potentially abusive (which is what his behaviour is indicating then she is crying out for help) and you are telling the people around her not to listen?

Ask yourself why?

Why are you not listening/

Why are you going along thinking there is only ONE person to blame here, and it is the woman involved?

That is abusive in itself.

It is woman blaming.

Why not stop a woman marrying someone she is clearly unhappy with and does not trust?

A woman is calling you in distress, and you are not listening because he is your father.

End of story.

Very clear.

Happens very, very, very frequently.

@beigebrownblue - she called me total of three times in three years they are together. Each time drunk. Each time complaining that he still 'thinks of my mum/other woman'. Not once did she mention abusive behaviour and as someone who was married to an abuser and is 60+ years old woman who can hold her own (she has a high profile career and is financially independent from my dad as is he from her) - I would have hoped she'd identify this and not marry him yesterday. Or that her adult son who lives with them would have noticed.

@beigebrownblue I am not sure if we're reading the same thread or what in my words made you jump to these conclusions but I have never blamed her for FEELING a certain way. I expressed concern and upset as well as anger over being dragged into something. She is not a helpless woman - she is an independent woman of means who has a choice and always had a choice whether to be with my dad or not. The same applies to him - he is not in any way other than his choice tied to her. They are both in their 60s so not inexperienced spring chickens and her 25+yo son lives with them.