My father's new wife just called me in tears

[canttellanyone]

Posting here for traffic. Need advice.

My DM and DF have been divorced since 2011. Other than seeing each other at my sibling's and my wedding - they have been NC since. They hate each other's guts. The divorce was long time coming as they had a bad relationship ever since I was a child.

3 years ago, my dad met this woman. Everything seemed great - they have same interests in history and politics, they frequently do day/weekend trips, go hiking and exploring new places, they both love eating out... seemed like a really great match. Occasionally, however, they'd get into a spat and it would always be very dramatic. She called me once or twice in a complete state, drunk, crying about my father not loving her, still being in love with my mum or the woman he briefly dated between divorcing my mum and meeting this woman. I expressed concern, but didn't press - just wanted my DF to know I'm there if he needs to talk.

They got married yesterday. It was a small registry wedding with just immediate family (my sibling, myself and the woman's son with partners) and 2 witnesses present with their spouses. It was a lovely day, everyone was happy, lots of laughter and all seemed perfect.

An hour ago I received another call from her, sobbing. My heart stopped - I thought my grandmother or my dad died (he has a heart condition). She proceeded to tell me that my DF called her by my mother's name and this is a 'proof that he never loved her and is cheating on her' with both my mum and that women he dated in between. 'I am like a daughter to her so how could I not tell her, how could I let her marry him'. I tried to calm her down and reassure her because if there is anything I am 100% sure about - that is that my dad is NOT cheating on her with my mum or that other woman. She wouldn't calm down so I asked to speak to him. He told me she is drunk, to forget this phone call and not answer her calls anymore. He apologized to me profusely and used some heavy words to qualify her behaviour.

This happened an hour ago and I am still very upset. I'm worried for him and his health and I am desperately sad that this is happening on the first day of his honeymoon. The thing is - they have planned a blessing ceremony this weekend and it was very important to my dad that my family attends. I can't imagine doing it now - even if they proceed with it.

Am I BU for being angry with her for calling me? I don't know if I can keep pretending stuff like this never happened and I don't know what to do.

Why not stop a woman marrying someone she is clearly unhappy with and does not trust?

The OP should have 'stopped' her stepmother from marrying OP's father?

@beigebrownblue, you are really stretching here. It does not sound like she's being abused. She sounds like she occasionally has too much to drink and gets all insecure and inconsolable. It's not uncommon.🤷‍♀️

However @canttellanyone shouldn't have to put up with it.

She sounds very insecure - she obviously thinks a lot about your dad's previous relationships and it hasn't helped that the silly bugger just called her by his ex wife's name.
Your dad might think about your mum sometimes - they had 31 years and children together, so it would be a bit odd if she never crossed his mind. When you marry someone with a history, it's unreasonable to expect that they might never remember something good or accidentally say the wrong name. But insecurity can make people behave badly. Also emotions run high at weddings and maybe that's worse if you've had an abusive relationship or a previous partner has died. She shouldn't have dragged you into it but if she's otherwise lovely, I'd leave it be and not say anything. If it happens again, I'd just say that I love you both and don't want to get involved. I think your dad will tell her not to call you again, when she sobers up and they discuss it. For your dad's sake I'd leave it be

Hi OP, I wouldn't bother engaging with beigebrownblue.

I'd be really annoyed at this and would say something, a text would be fine. "Please don't call me about relationship problems with my dad, it makes me uncomfortable". If it carries on I'd probably respond quite sharply on the phone and tell her how inappropriate she is being. You can also let her calls go to voicemail - if its urgent she can text or leave a message.

Are you sure she’s actually drunk? When I’m really upset or angry I often stumble over my words and make mistakes in what I’m saying.

I’m probably putting 2+2 together and getting 5 here but I’d be concerned on what’s going on behind closed doors. With the pair of them to be honest.

Do you think they’re in a toxic relationship?

Tell your step mum that you will always be on call for emergencies but not ever for relationship issues.

Your Dad and Step mum both have choices such as going to couples counselling or committing the time to discuss obvious problems, look at changing behaviours. and calmly talk through current issues. Their call.

It does take two to tango

@canttellanyone

To be honest, the only reason I keep answering is because I fear it is a life/death/health emergency.

I’d tell her this.

She’s drunk-dialling you and completely inappropriately involving you in relationship issues between your father and her.

It’s absolutely unacceptable.

Be more mad about it!

I would text her in the cold light of day with something along the lines of:
“Hi, I hope you are feeling better. You had me feeling really worried after that phonecall, it was incredibly stressful. To be honest I'd really prefer you don't phone me in such a state as it really makes me panic that someone may have died or be gravely ill and honestly it's quite hard to understand you and piece together what is happening and it really is quite awful. I really love you and I do want to support you but please don't scare me like that again."
She needs to be confronted with her behaviour while she is sober so she can deal with her issues, rather than just sweeping them under the rug until next time she is pissed. I don't think there is any need to be mean to her however.

My friends mother drags her into all the dramas in her life men wise, everyone else in the family is sick and tired of it. Some women are addicted to drama. No idea why, it's distressing and destructive for those in their orbit.

Hang up every time this happens.

@Lachimolala - I honestly can't tell. I've seen her tipsy but not drunk in person. I also never saw her angry or upset except in those three situations when she called me. I do wonder about their relationship now but I can't tell.

yes, it is .It is everybody's business.

No, it absolutely is not.

An adult woman has chosen to live with, and marry, an adult man. Nobody has forced her and nobody had the right to stop her.

Why can't you credit this woman with some intelligence? She makes emotional drunken calls to her husband's daughter - that's what's wrong and that's what must stop.

@beigebrownblue

A woman is calling you in distress, and you are not listening because he is your father.

End of story.

Very clear.

Happens very, very, very frequently.

How is this OP's responsibility? She's his adult daughter not his keeper.

I think you should have a conversation with her & your dad when she's sober about her calls.

I totally get why you answer the phone because something may have happened to him or your DGM, I've been there with elderly parents/relatives. You don't want to ignore a phone call for fear it's a true emergency.

Is your dad aware of her calling you as it happens? Because he really should text you if he knows to give you a head's up so you don't answer the phone. If not, you may want to tell him that you intend to confront her when she's sober and tell her to stop calling you when she's been drinking.

And don't be afraid to let her calls go to voicemail. If it were a real emergency, I'm sure she'd leave a message. And personally, if I did answer the phone I'd probably hang up as soon as I realized she was drunk.

Wow, this has reminded me of my own stepmother who used to do simikar - drunken phone calls expecting me to agree how badly dd was treating her, angry accusations when I wouldn't back her. It was horrific, did she really think I was likely to take her side against my beloved dad? I mean with hindsight I think he was a pretty bad husband but to expect me to take her side just because she felt in her drunken rage that I should? No no no.

If you think messaging her proactively is too hard, just be completely ready to say immediately "I can't talk to you about this, I really can't" hang up and block at least for that evening.

Df not dd, obviously!

Its just massively inappropriate

@AcrossthePond55 - not until I asked to speak to him. He was apparently in the bathroom (she said). The previous two times he once went outside - in their garden to cool down, and once he went home (that was before they lived together).

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

I would text her in the cold light of day with something along the lines of: “Hi, I hope you are feeling better. You had me feeling really worried after that phonecall, it was incredibly stressful. To be honest I'd really prefer you don't phone me in such a state as it really makes me panic that someone may have died or be gravely ill and honestly it's quite hard to understand you and piece together what is happening and it really is quite awful. I really love you and I do want to support you but please don't scare me like that again." She needs to be confronted with her behaviour while she is sober so she can deal with her issues, rather than just sweeping them under the rug until next time she is pissed. I don't think there is any need to be mean to her however.

This is a good message, I wouldn’t put the ‘I really love you and want to support you’ part in though. Bit much but the rest is good.

Hi op,

Sounds like you idolise your father somewhat, ah these women in his life and he never seems to be in the wrong.

Maybe he's the common denominator that makes them all unhappy?

@Onthedunes

Hi op,

Sounds like you idolise your father somewhat, ah these women in his life and he never seems to be in the wrong.

Maybe he's the common denominator that makes them all unhappy?

Even if that was the problem the new wife has no right to come and upset OP with her dramas when is drunk or not.

The new wife should respect the relationship between her husband and his daughter not go to OP crying wolf when in her mind she has been affronted.

Thing is though, the wife may not remember making the calls, or the content, when sober. Ime people who make these calls minimise their behaviour hugely. If I were op I would just not answer the phone after a certain time at night to the wife.

She needs help with her drinking. As you say yourself she is nice when not drinking. You could gently tell her this.

Also saying you only want to communicate via text infront of your Dad as a previous poster suggested is a good idea.

[quote canttellanyone]@AcrossthePond55 - not until I asked to speak to him. He was apparently in the bathroom (she said). The previous two times he once went outside - in their garden to cool down, and once he went home (that was before they lived together).[/quote]
Then I suppose there's no way to get a warning ahead of time.

I think there are two choices, either you confront her with her drunk calling and tell her to stop, which may lead to either hard feeling or an uncomfortable discussion about her drinking, or you stop answering and wait for a voicemail. Because I think allowing her to continue to offload her shit onto you isn't benefiting either of you.

Another concern is whether or not she's emotionally abusing your dad. It's not like she calls you and complains about any of the numerous things couples fight about; money, sex, children, not sharing the load. We've all been there. She's drunk-calling and it's that he doesn't love her/is cheating. Getting drunk, making (false) accusations like that and then picking fights, or creating havoc is abuse. Especially when you drag your partners adult children into the mess!