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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years admits he finds ex wife attractive

102 replies

newlife22 · 25/08/2021 11:23

So … I made the mistake of asking my partner of 2 years if he still finds his ex wife attractive. They had dinner the other night with their two kids ( for clarification, I get on extremely well with both children AND the ex wife)
He said that if he is wasn’t going out with me, then yes he would find her attractive.
I said that makes absolutely no sense! We’ve had a fall out and both now stubbornly not messaging each other. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 11:23

Leave him now, he's not over her

AgnesNaismith · 25/08/2021 11:25

Sorry but YABU and surely this is a good thing? If the reason they split up was due to him not finding her attractive anymore then he would be a shallow bastard.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 25/08/2021 11:25

Why would you ask that, obviously he finds her attractive as he married her once.

Don't ask questions you don't want answered

GoodGrief100 · 25/08/2021 11:26

Well that was a pretty stupid question for you to ask wasn't it? Forget it and move on.

FourTeaFallOut · 25/08/2021 11:26

Of course he finds her attractive, he married her.

Hanab · 25/08/2021 11:27

Do not ask questions you would not like the honest truth about

CookieMumsters · 25/08/2021 11:28

Did you expect him to stop finding her attractive? When? When they divorced, or when you got together, or...?

Ughmaybenot · 25/08/2021 11:29

What a stupid question to ask. He was married to her, did you expect him to find her physically repulsive the moment their relationship ended?

Hemingwaycat · 25/08/2021 11:29

Eek, you shouldn’t have asked. I wouldn’t be happy about this either fwiw and I don’t still find my ex’s attractive at all. It isn’t why I left them by any means so I’m not a shallow bastard but now I’m older, they just aren’t attractive to me at all.

EmergencyHydrangea · 25/08/2021 11:29

Well yes, he must have found her attractive once, why would that nessasarily have changed?

SnarkyBag · 25/08/2021 11:29

Stupid question to ask really. Stop game playing and testing him.

If he married her once before stands to reason that physically he found her attractive.

ATieLikeRichardGere · 25/08/2021 11:30

If they were married with children then finding her attractive in itself seems to make sense. I think I would still find my exes attractive for the same reasons that I did in the first place, probably even the horrible one who I can’t forgive for things they did. This doesn’t mean I’m not happily married. But if you think for some reason he isn’t over her then that’s different and of course that’s not good. I guess I wonder what worried you to feel like you needed to ask?

OneAugustNight · 25/08/2021 11:30

I would assume he did and wouldn’t even ask.

Original poster
newlife22 · 25/08/2021 11:30

I know. I’m not entirely sure why I asked. I’m not usually the jealous type 🙄

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/08/2021 11:31

Generally men marry women that they find attractive...

Would you have preferred he lied?

Thesearmsofmine · 25/08/2021 11:31

Well I imagine her found her attractive in order to marry/have children with her. Why would you even ask!

Dixiechickonhols · 25/08/2021 11:31

It’s an odd question to ask. His reply is diplomatic. He was married to her and had children with her. Of course she’s attractive to him. I assume reasons split were not because she’s suddenly become repulsive to him - more like grown apart or one party having an affair.
I really don’t see how it’s more reassuring for him to say no she’s got grey hair now or put 2 stone on that would be more worrying for you surely.

Original poster
newlife22 · 25/08/2021 11:32

I don’t know how to come back from it now though ….

OP posts:
HollysBush · 25/08/2021 11:32

I guess it depends what you (and he) mean by ‘attractive’. You can find someone physically attractive but not like them at all and know you wouldn’t want a relationship with them. Or you can find someone’s personality attractive even if they’re not what you’d usually call good looking.

Hekatestorch · 25/08/2021 11:34

I find this stuff really emotionally manipulative.

Asking some a question, when you will only accept one answer, is poor behaviour.

Also, I actually get what he is saying. I have been with Dp for 4 years. I can acknowledge someone is attractive, but (apart from celebrities) don't really 'fancy' them.

If I wasn't in a relationship, I might actually fancy them or feel and attraction. I was the same when I was with exh. I never lasted after other men.

But he obviously, is going to find his ex wife attractive.....because he was with her before. So he must have been attracted to her at some point.

DrSbaitso · 25/08/2021 11:34

He was married to her, would be weird if he didn't find her attractive.

Aren't you attracted to other men too? I am. I'm married, not dead. My husband finds other women attractive too. I'd be worried if he didn't.

And why ask anyway? Did he give you any reason to doubt his love and attraction to you?

GoodGrief100 · 25/08/2021 11:35

@newlife22

I don’t know how to come back from it now though ….
You just message to say you don't want to fight and sorry for stropping at him after asking such a ridiculous question. He's done nothing wrong!
Dandy0911 · 25/08/2021 11:35

Well it goes without saying. You wouldn't marry / sleep with / have kids with someone you don't find attractive!

I'm happily married with DD, and love my DH with all my heart, and he's a typically handsome man.

My ex boyfriend is an attractive man. I wouldn't have been with him otherwise. But that doesn't mean I want to be with him. Or I'm not over him. I couldn't be more over him if I tried! So I completely disagree with the first poster who said leave him, he's not over her. Unless it was a joke.

It was a silly question to ask and his reply was factual and diplomatic. It really means nothing if you find exes attractive. You'd be strange if you didn't.

SnarkyBag · 25/08/2021 11:35

@newlife22

I don’t know how to come back from it now though ….
Apologise? Just be honest and say insecurity got the better of you but you’ve given your head a wobble since
ATieLikeRichardGere · 25/08/2021 11:36

If it was me I would say sorry, I don’t know why I asked that, I just feel insecure sometimes, can we forget all about this?

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