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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years admits he finds ex wife attractive

102 replies

newlife22 · 25/08/2021 11:23

So … I made the mistake of asking my partner of 2 years if he still finds his ex wife attractive. They had dinner the other night with their two kids ( for clarification, I get on extremely well with both children AND the ex wife)
He said that if he is wasn’t going out with me, then yes he would find her attractive.
I said that makes absolutely no sense! We’ve had a fall out and both now stubbornly not messaging each other. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dandy0911 · 25/08/2021 11:37

Just apologise for asking such a ridiculous question and move on. It's really no big deal.

vdbfamily · 25/08/2021 11:38

He married the woman......of course he finds her attractive!!

Babyiskickingmyribs · 25/08/2021 11:38

Yabu. Stupid question to ask. He’s tried to answer it honestly and at the same time reassure you that he’s never going to act on that attraction because he’s with you. How do you come back from this? Own your insecurity and tell him what you need to feel more secure. So apologize for asking such an unreasonable trap of a question, tell him it’s hard for you sometimes when you see him and his former family together and that it helps you feel more secure in your relationship when he (for example) compliments you/holds your hand when you’re in public/ includes you in get togethers where his ex will be present/ whatever works for you.

If none of that will work because you really don’t trust him, then in your position I’d be questioning the future of the relationship.

Original poster
newlife22 · 25/08/2021 11:39

Thank you all very much. Apologising as we speak xxxxx

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 25/08/2021 11:39

You asked a question so you would get an ego boost, and got a pretty diplomatic and truthful answer instead.

It was a daft thing to ask.

Do you find all of your exes unattractive now?

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 11:40

I don't get this at all. My OH's ex IS very attractive. More than me. I would be confused if he said he didn't find her attractive. I've never asked because it's irrelevant. She might be very attractive, but there were not compatible at all. Oh and I'm not that bad!

lilmishap · 25/08/2021 11:40

Hopefully you've learnt not to ask questions you don't want the answer to.

I still think all my exes are attractive, I wouldn't have been with them otherwise, it doesn't mean I still harbour feelings for them.

Ughmaybenot · 25/08/2021 11:40

There really isn’t anything to come back from. Apologise for having a wobble and move on, this really isn’t worth the hassle.

Ughmaybenot · 25/08/2021 11:41

Oh sorry, hadn’t realised we were onto page 2! Glad you’re speaking now

Suprima · 25/08/2021 11:41

@newlife22

I know. I’m not entirely sure why I asked. I’m not usually the jealous type 🙄
It was a silly question. He loved her, married her and presumably they had sex more than twice?

Lots of people don’t like the idea of their partner having a past love story- but then again they don’t date people with baggage!

passionfruitpizza · 25/08/2021 11:42

You shouldn't have asked. Why would he stop finding her attractive? Had you hoped he'd lie to you instead about thinking that? Were you just hoping for something to get upset about?

Looubylou · 25/08/2021 11:43

There are positives here: he is honest and he cares enough to think of your feelings and say you are his current interest. Also, if you ask a man this question, they are likely to base the answer on appearance only. Attraction is obviously affected by a lot more than that. You can't expect him to literally have eyes only for you - do you never find anyone else attractive? I would think less of him if said no and meant it, about his ex wife and mother of his children. Get a grip - unless you are uncomfortable about other aspects of their contact.

SirHonkers · 25/08/2021 11:44

My ex-wife of 5 years is very attractive and still gives me the horn. I ended our marriage after discovering her 18 month affair. I wouldn't ever contemplate any sort of relationship with her ever again.

MamaDane · 25/08/2021 11:49

I'm glad you realised your error and that you're apologising, OP. It's not always easy.

Eviethyme · 25/08/2021 11:49

I mean why would he have married her if he didn't find her attractive? :S like he may not fancy her but can still think she's good looking

acolderwar · 25/08/2021 11:50

My initial thought was that he of course finds her objectively attractive as he had been in a relationship with her. However I personally find all of my ex partners physically repulsive now Grin

ittakes2 · 25/08/2021 12:02

I think you were being very unreasonable asking him the question. You put him in a very awkward spot. He told you the truth and now you are mad? You would have rathered he lied? Most people would value his honesty. He married her - its not unreasonable to assume he finds her attractive.

Lobelia123 · 25/08/2021 12:11

OP, I get it. Youre lucky to be in civilised set up where you all get on and can interact civilly, perhaps even on friendly terms. It makes things with kids so much easier but also throws images in your head of what life would have been like for them if they hadnt split. She's lovely, shes nice, shes the mother of his children....of course a bit of insecurity must creep in and catch you unawares sometimes. has he confided in you about why theyre no longer together romantically? Maybe if you understood the reasons, her 'allure' would lessen in your eyes? Youre getting a bit of flak from all the usual perfect mums on Mumsnet but I understand how this crept in and I think your partner is a bit of a thick, insensitive boor to be honest. Surely it would have been easy to say, yes she is attractive, but the romantic side of our relationship was over long ago....or yes she's attractive, but so are you.....etc etc. Something empathetic that would reassure you. His reaction would make me start to wonder if there wasnt still a tender spot there that he's defensive of. In any case, this is the way your mind runs on when something is handled so clumsily. The fact is he's the one with the complicated past, so I think hes the one who should be just a tiny bit more sensitive to it and try to be a bit more reassuring.

Mummasdiary2021 · 25/08/2021 12:14

YABU
Ofcourse he finds her attractive. He sis marry her. He chose you though so clearly finds you are better :)

Original poster
newlife22 · 25/08/2021 12:14

Lobelia123 - thank you for that response! I’m glad I’m not actually going mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
newlife22 · 25/08/2021 12:14

Thank you xxxx

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2021 12:15

I hope he accepts graciously.

I don’t find my ex husband at all attractive anymore, hard to imagine why I did for so long tbh. But just don’t ever ask a question like that, you’re setting both of you up for you to be upset. Would you have believed him if he’d said no?

He’s with you for a reason. You’re the one he’s chosen. Be confident in that.

KarmaStar · 25/08/2021 12:32

Simply say you are sorry and it's no reflection on his relationship with his ex and can you both please move forward.

SilverTimpani · 25/08/2021 12:35

daft question to ask. He must have found her attractive to have married her. If he had said no, you’d have known he was lying.

Yellowcrockpot · 25/08/2021 12:38

LOL. Why did you ask in the first place? Very obviously looking for an ego boost. You were looking for the flattering answer rather than the truth. At least you know he's not a liar.

Next time, don't ask if you won't like the answer you may get.

YABU