Partner of 2 years admits he finds ex wife attractive

[newlife22]

So … I made the mistake of asking my partner of 2 years if he still finds his ex wife attractive. They had dinner the other night with their two kids ( for clarification, I get on extremely well with both children AND the ex wife)
He said that if he is wasn’t going out with me, then yes he would find her attractive.
I said that makes absolutely no sense! We’ve had a fall out and both now stubbornly not messaging each other. Am I being unreasonable?

I am going against the grain here it seems.
But I don't find any of my exes attractive at all.

You asked, he answered. Of course he finds her attractive - they were married, and have kids together. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

@DrSbaitso

Is your partner truly the most objectively physically handsome man/beautiful woman you've ever seen?

OK I'll bite.

Yes he is, but go ahead and say you don't believe me anyway, (as that's clearly what you're going to say.)

If I said 'no he isn't' you'd say 'I rest my case.' If I say 'yes he is,' you will say 'I don't believe you.'

So it's a pointless, moot argument.

One thing's for sure though, I don't still find any of my exes attractive. How bizarre to still be attracted to them.

@newlife22 Ignore most of the posters on here. YANBU. Your partner should not be attracted to his ex. The hills are that way >>>>>>>

@AlternativePerspective

Or are you saying you’ve never ever found someone other than your partner attractive? Because if you are then I don’t believe you.

There's a VAST difference between finding someone attractive (other than your partner) and finding your EX attractive. I can't believe some people on here cannot see the difference. I give up!

Why on earth would you ask that?
& why on earth, on hearing the hardly unsurprising verdict that yes, he still finds the woman he was married to attractive, would you then go to the absurd lengths of having a fall out over it?

As to the silent treatment - grow up.
You could benefit from some counselling, to help you understand where your insecurity comes from, & advice on how to negotiate disagreements with loved ones better.

Not that this is a rational disagreement - so what that his ex-wife is attractive, & what on earth would motivate you to open that can of worms in the first place?

@acolderwar

My initial thought was that he of course finds her objectively attractive as he had been in a relationship with her. However I personally find all of my ex partners physically repulsive now

yes, same here. I get the answers saying yes of course he should still find her attractive. Personally, though anyone that's an ex of mine I'm really quite surprised I was with them (look the same, but their personality just distorted the bits I found attractive). I thought that's fairly normal too?

TBF he couldn't win with a question like that though. If he stares at her longingly and then you asked - that's different and I would be questioning if he's over her or not.

I mean, he obviously did at one point. Sometimes a split can be so bad that it kills any attraction to the ex but not always. I’m 100% not attracted to my ex any more, it’s hard for me to even wrap my head around the fact that I once was!

OH's ex wife is very beautiful. Most people would agree. OH doesn't find her attractive anymore because he knows what a shitty personality she has.
To me that is a normal reaction.

@FourTeaFallOut

Of course he finds her attractive, he married her.

My exact thoughts!

[quote VyrnwyGirl]@DrSbaitso

Is your partner truly the most objectively physically handsome man/beautiful woman you've ever seen?

OK I'll bite.

Yes he is, but go ahead and say you don't believe me anyway, (as that's clearly what you're going to say.)

If I said 'no he isn't' you'd say 'I rest my case.' If I say 'yes he is,' you will say 'I don't believe you.'

So it's a pointless, moot argument.

One thing's for sure though, I don't still find any of my exes attractive. How bizarre to still be attracted to them.

@newlife22 Ignore most of the posters on here. YANBU. Your partner should not be attracted to his ex. The hills are that way >>>>>>>[/quote]
Ok. You're unusual, let's leave it at that.

Most of us are not the most objectively aesthetically good looking person our partners have ever seen, and vice versa. It doesn't mean we and our partners aren't attractive, or aren't attracted to each other.

But it does mean that a woman can objectively note that her ex is a more conventionally handsome man than her current partner, without it meaning that she "fancies the pants off him" and is somehow being unfaithful. Especially if she describes said ex as a "violent dickhead".

Neither is it "bizarre" to still feel attraction to someone you once loved, who never did you wrong and who taught you life lessons, even if the relationship is over for good reasons.

I'm sorry that this element of human love and sexuality is so completely incomprehensible to you, but I assure you it's nothing abnormal.

@AlternativePerspective

I think it's weird that you are all still attracted to your exes. except there’s a vast difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them.

There are lots of attractive men and women out there. Noticing that doesn’t mean you automatically are attracted to them and want to sleep with them.

Or are you saying you’ve never ever found someone other than your partner attractive? Because if you are then I don’t believe you.

Someone can be outwardly attractive but not an attractive person. Someone can be outwardly attractive but not your type. Or you’ve been there and it just didn’t work out for whatever reason.

To suggest that noticing that someone is attractive is the same as fancying them and betraying your partner is batshit.

Well some of you are saying it's normal to be attracted to your exes and others are saying it's normal to simply find someone attractive. I can see when someone is objectively good looking but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

I think you should be glad that you have an honest partner who's not a bullshitter, OP.
Nothing worse than a liar who only tells you what he thinks you want him to say.

It's normal to be attracted to adult humans in general. If anything, having had a sexual and romantic relationship with someone makes it more likely that you'll find them attractive than some random stranger, however good looking they are.

You can't argue us out of finding people attractive, especially when we have a shared history, just because you don't understand it. Not all relationships end because people fell out of love.

So you asked a man whether he was attracted to someone he was previously married to? Well you’d assume the answer was yes wouldn’t you? Given the fact he married her. You can find someone attractive and yet still be happy with your partner. I honestly think you’ve set yourself up here because you’re feeling insecure.

If the ex wasn't physically obviously attractive then it's still potentially that an ex-partner can be attracted.

It's often about how the other person makes you feel that you find attractive rather than objectively whether they're attractive to everyone else in the room. Some really nice looking people can be unattractive for that very reason.

So if the ex makes you shudder, then no amount of good looks will overcome it. If they have a lovely warm personality but their obssession with UFO's broke the marriage up then maybe find them attractive as long as not talking about UFOs....(IYKWIM).

The poor sucker did actually qualify his response by saying that it was only if OP wasn't in his life...

Unless an ex has gained/lost a lot of weight or had a lot of plastic surgery then I’d guess most people would say their ex is attractive - I can’t imagine anyone has a relationship with someone they think’s a minger.

Although I don't agree with people when they presume because he married her he would still find her attractive. (Speaking from experience as I don't find my ex-husband attractive in the slightest.)

I do wonder if your question came out of feelings of insecurity, why you feel you needed to ask.

They sound like they get along really well and spend time with each other still. Perhaps that's not for you OP, no everyone can deal with an ex that is so present still, and that's perfectly ok.

Not everyone**

@acolderwar
Im the same as you 😂😂😂😂 like you ask yourself abit down the line what was I thinking lol.

Why do so many women do this (asking unnecessary and borderline stupid questions to which they don't want a truthful answer)?

I understand why you feel a bit down, but you need to be realistic about it. He didn’t say “yeah, I’d sleep with her in a heart beat” he just said she was attractive. Just like I’m sure you may think someone’s attractive, it doesn’t mean you want to run off with them or whatever.

I’d let it go. It’s not worth the hassle and certainly not worth you falling out over. (:

Unless his ex wife underwent some sudden hideous transformation after they split, wouldn't he find her attractive? FFS, he MARRIED HER. Of COURSE he found/finds her attractive (physically at least). What a stupid question! If he said no I'd be worried.

That should say why wouldn't he

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time here OP.

It was maybe a silly question to ask, but you obviously felt a bit concerned because they were having dinner together, which I think is odd if he is in a new relationship with you.

IMO if he was genuinely into you he would have tried to reassure you and said something like "Yes of course I found her attractive once, but that's over now, I'm with you and we're obviously just friends now" etc. But he didn't say that and I can see why it's left you feeling anxious.

I left my ex-BF for my now DH as the spark had really dwindled along with other stuff, but he was absolutely sex on legs to me for most of the relationship. However, if my DH had recently asked if I still found him attractive, my honest answer would be "Absolutely not anymore!"

I think there's more going on here unfortunately.