Partner of 2 years admits he finds ex wife attractive

[newlife22]

So … I made the mistake of asking my partner of 2 years if he still finds his ex wife attractive. They had dinner the other night with their two kids ( for clarification, I get on extremely well with both children AND the ex wife)
He said that if he is wasn’t going out with me, then yes he would find her attractive.
I said that makes absolutely no sense! We’ve had a fall out and both now stubbornly not messaging each other. Am I being unreasonable?

I dont suddenly find my ex's unattractive coz we broke up. They still, for the most part, look the same.

Try to figure out why exactly you asked it.
If it was jealousy or an ego boost or whatever it was that prompted you to ask,sit with it for a while.
Ask yourself what you were hoping for and why.

You may find you need to work on your confidence or it could be from previous unresolved insecurities etc.
But thers a reason you asked,even though it seems silly now.

We often ignore little tiny things like this and pay no attention to them but they can often be the beginning of a cycle of ill thoughts and actions.

Would you have preferred him to lie, op?

Why on earth did you ask that??
Of course he finds her attractive, he married her!
I still find my ex attractive, he's a goid looking man, do I want him back?? Hell no!

Finding someone attractive is not cheating and you asked!

*good.... Christ

Sorry, just saw you apologised.

The only thing that would niggle me here is that you seem a little insecure.
Are you generally, or is he doing things to make you feel that way?

Why this hell did you ask that ? Also he’s a bit of a idiot to answer honestly.
Tbh I don’t know but lesson learned never ask questions like that as really what sort of answer did you expect ? Him saying no ? Finding someone attractive does not mean that you want to get back with them .

I still find my Ex very attractive, I mean, this is the main reason why we were together, but it would never cross my mind to go back to him! Why did you even ask

I think it's weird that you are all still attracted to your exes. 😂

did you get together with him whilst he was still married?

@CirqueDeMorgue

I think it's weird that you are all still attracted to your exes. 😂

Why?

@CirqueDeMorgue

I think it's weird that you are all still attracted to your exes. 😂

This in spades. I am going against the grain on here. It's bizarre to still find your ex attractive. I don't find any of mine attractive. For the most part I find them repugnant, and want fuck-all to do with them.

It's an odd thing to ask though @newlife22 and suggests you are very insecure, and very unsure about him. I have never EVER asked my DH if he still fancies any of his exes! And if I did, he would probably piss himself laughing, because he doesn't and wouldn't, and as I said, I don't still fancy any of mine either.

Why the F would you? Saying 'you must fancy them or you wouldn't have got with them in the first place' as a few posters have said,) is such a bizarre thing to say.

It's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone when you meet them, and still be attracted to them whilst your with them, and then go off them (and not be remotely attracted to them anymore) and then split up. That's a natural and normal way for some relationships to go. To split up and then still be attracted to your ex is not normal IMO.

If you still fancy your ex, you have issues IMO, and probably shouldn't be in another/new relationship.

YANBU newlife22 but based on your OP, I don't think you should be in a relationship with this man. He still fancies his ex, and you, on some level, clearly knew this all along or you would never have asked.

@DrSbaitso because, in my experience, attraction fades. I don't suddenly think all my exes are repulsive or anything but absolutely not attracted to them. From conversations I've had in general about exes, I'm not alone in that either.

My ex is the most handsome man I've ever seen. Far more so than my current partner. But he's a violent dickhead and my partners the kindest man I've ever met.

I still find some of my exes physically attractive. I don't want a relationship with any of them - been there, done that, split up for good reasons. I also get where he's coming from - when I'm in a relationship with someone I stop looking at other men as potential partners and although I might think that objectively they're attractive, I'm not at that point attracted to them, because I'm with someone else.

It's good that you're apologising. As pp suggested, I'd think about why you felt the need to ask.

Don't ask those sort of questions, if things like this are going to bother you. He was being honest, and nothing wrong with this.

[quote CirqueDeMorgue]@DrSbaitso because, in my experience, attraction fades. I don't suddenly think all my exes are repulsive or anything but absolutely not attracted to them. From conversations I've had in general about exes, I'm not alone in that either. [/quote]
I don't know what the confused face is for, I'm not the one telling people their feelings for their past loves are weird.

I suppose I've been lucky in that none of my relationships have been abusive, and none have ended bitterly. I still feel attraction for one or two of them and I believe they do for me. I tend towards long relationships, so attraction fading is not really an issue I've had. I'm not going to go into the reasons for why I think that might be, but it's how I and those who are drawn to me seem to feel.

Doesn't mean anything is going to happen, or that we aren't over each other, but if I loved him once and it didn't end nastily, I don't see why it's weird that I would still think he's an attractive man.

It's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone when you meet them, and still be attracted to them whilst your with them, and then go off them (and not be remotely attracted to them anymore) and then split up.

For me it varies and I think there is a difference between looking at someone and thinking 'objectively they're physically attractive' and actually being attracted to them. I have one ex I found attractive because of his personality and how we got. When I found out that he was actually a tosser and a coward, I went right off him. But another ex just is a very good looking man. He turns heads. I don't like him or want to go out with him any more but I'd be lying if I said 'no, he's not attractive'. Fortunately my partner wouldn't ask. I certainly don't ask him. I know a couple of his ex girlfriends and they are both very attractive. However, they also turned out not to be compatible as partners, so that doesn't really matter.

@DeflatedGinDrinker

My ex is the most handsome man I've ever seen. Far more so than my current partner. But he's a violent dickhead and my partners the kindest man I've ever met.

Does your current partner know you fancy the pants off your ex, and think he's the most handsome man you've ever seen?

@BertramLacey But there's a world of difference between thinking your ex is good looking, and you still finding them attractive when you're in a relationship with a new person, (as with the OP.)

It’s not a good question to ever ask really.

However, I don’t know that I would have answered in the way he did. I mean you can know that someone is attractive but not be attracted to them can’t you? I am married and I look at other men and find them to be attractive - but I’m not attracted to them? Does that make sense

Does your current partner know you fancy the pants off your ex, and think he's the most handsome man you've ever seen?

She didn't say she fancies the pants off him. Quite the opposite, she called him a violent dickhead.

Is your partner truly the most objectively physically handsome man/beautiful woman you've ever seen?

I think there is a difference in thinking someone is attractive or good looking and actually being attracted to them.

I can say that some of me exes are good looking but I wouldn't want to spend any time in their company. There is more to being attracted to someone than thinking they are easy on the eye.

You did the right thing in apologising OP, try not to ask questions if you think you won't like the answer.

But there's a world of difference between thinking your ex is good looking, and you still finding them attractive when you're in a relationship with a new person, (as with the OP.)

Well what the OP said is He said that if he is wasn’t going out with me, then yes he would find her attractive.

So he is tending towards the former - objectively the ex wife is attractive, but he is now with the OP, so doesn't find her to be so.

I think it's weird that you are all still attracted to your exes. except there’s a vast difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them.

There are lots of attractive men and women out there. Noticing that doesn’t mean you automatically are attracted to them and want to sleep with them.

Or are you saying you’ve never ever found someone other than your partner attractive? Because if you are then I don’t believe you.

Someone can be outwardly attractive but not an attractive person. Someone can be outwardly attractive but not your type. Or you’ve been there and it just didn’t work out for whatever reason.

To suggest that noticing that someone is attractive is the same as fancying them and betraying your partner is batshit.