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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect not to have to detail my medical history when parking my car !!

352 replies

Rosscameasdoody · 25/08/2021 08:52

Just need to get this off my chest really, before my head explodes. I’m a disabled driver - obvious disability once I get out of the car. Went to the supermarket yesterday as usual with a friend who helps me with getting in and out of my wheelchair, dealing with shopping etc.

Found a disabled spot and friend gets out of the car - is immediately challenged by an older lady who comes barrelling over with a really horrible attitude - the usual ‘you don’t look very disabled’, but very aggressive and loud. Friend tries to explain that she’s helping me, but Mrs Nosey is having none of it, and the next minute I find myself being grilled about my condition and asking where my blue badge is - I think this may be what sparked the confrontation as I don’t display it unless I park in a disabled spot, as per guidance. I was about to put it in the window after parking up.

For some reason this is happening more and more since Covid - people just seem to think they have a right to ask what I feel are personal and intrusive questions about medical conditions. And yesterday, instead of just showing her the badge and the wheelchair hoist, as I usually do if challenged, I snapped back. Said I have a current legal blue badge, which I had no obligation to show to anyone but traffic and law enforcement officers and that she had no right to ask about my disability - said that it was confidential, between myself and my doctor and I had no intention of discussing it with a stranger.

By this time friend had hoisted down the chair and asked Mrs Nosey to move aside so she could help me get into it. As soon as she realised I was a wheelchair user it must have dawned in her on her that she looked a bit of an idiot - she mumbled an apology and scurried off.

My question is AIBU to think that my medical history is no one’s business but my own ? And has anyone else had similar experiences ?

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 25/08/2021 14:23

@goldfinchfan I know and am related to people with intermittent and progressive illnesses who have blue badges. So on good days they can walk miles and on terrible days they are in hospital. On days in between when they are able to go out of the house they need their blue badges as they can't walk far.

In fact one I know is now at the point that terrible days are more often than good days.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/08/2021 14:28

I would suggest if that is the case for a particular disabled person, they would be unlikely to be capable of driving as being able to process basic things is a pre-requisite of being able to drive. In which case the person driving (the non-disabled person) would be responsible for displaying the badge.

You've just demonstrated exactly why so many disabled people don't choose to broadcast their disabilities far and wide and prefer to keep their problems hidden, if possible. Aside from basic human dignity and privacy, of course, that many disabled people - being people - still value.

It's a disgusting state of affairs, but in our society (probably the whole world, actually), the moment you mention a disability, weakness or struggle, there is always somebody waiting around the corner to use it against you and, at 'best', belittle and minimise your value as a human because of it, or at worst, use it as a reason to take your rights away from you. Of course, I'm not suggesting that blind people should be allowed to drive, or anything like that, but the 'disability creep' that goes on in many people's heads and resulting groundless liberty-grabs can be horrifying.

Disabilities affect different people in many different ways, but there's such a widespread assumption that 'well, if you can't do this, you mustn't be able to do this either' - often resulting in people being patronised and completely written off as unable to do anything. I have a disability but am lucky enough not to be in a position to need a BB. You'd be amazed at the very basic things I can easily do very well (sometimes better than the average AB person) and the other, equally basic, things that I struggle with and which cause me a lot of pain.

There was a thread only a couple of months or so ago where the OP was having her ability to drive being used against her by the official medical assessors in seeking assistance for other basic things that she cannot do. If the official/government bodies will say "Well, if you can do A, that's 'proof' that you must be lying when you say you can't do B", is it any wonder that disabled people fear the general public and their self-righteous generalisations?

evianlion · 25/08/2021 14:28

What kind of shitty person would defend someone behaving like that? Confused

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 25/08/2021 14:32

@evianlion

What kind of shitty person would defend someone behaving like that? Confused
Sadly quite a few reading this thread Sad
Bloodypunkrockers · 25/08/2021 14:36

@LST

I don't have my blue badge out at all times as I don't drive so only use it when I am in a car with dp or my mum.

I am 31 and don't 'look' disabled. I can't walk well. I have been questioned lots of times. Including a parking warden asking me to show him the picture to make sure it's mine and 'not my nans'

I would fully expect a parking attendant to do that

Do you think they should try?

PeachesPumpkin · 25/08/2021 14:38

It’s not all bad - she was trying to defend the disabled bay for blue badge holders.

Bryonyshcmyony · 25/08/2021 14:41

@evianlion

What kind of shitty person would defend someone behaving like that? Confused
I don't think anyone was "defending" her, but it's pretty clear she made a mistake which she apologised for 🤷🏼‍♀️
Karatema · 25/08/2021 14:43

@Babdoc

On the other hand, when able bodied cheeky fuckers use your disabled space as they can’t be arsed walking more than ten yards to the supermarket door, wouldn’t you appreciate somebody challenging them? The woman did apologise when she realised you were genuine. Maybe think of it positively- she was looking out for you and all other disabled car users, by helping to ensure your spaces will not be pinched by CFs!
Errrr no! This is no one's business except the person parking. My grandson has a blue badge (he's not old enough to drive yet) but looks very healthy - he's not! So anyone questioning my DD or myself would get short shrift! Mind you're own business.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/08/2021 14:50

@Xenia

Well done to the boy who took off his leg and waved it! That will teach people not to press people on these issues (although yesterday an Indian man in a massive range rover pulled into parent and child parking (not disabled) and I nearly spoke out - he had no child with hm, no child seat in the car - definitely no right to be there; but then I thought may be he had a really rotten day so let it just go - no point in having rows with people as you never know whether they are going through awful things or that they break rules and laws left right and centre.
Not sure why you felt the need to include the fact he was Indian?
Bryonyshcmyony · 25/08/2021 14:55

I don't know why people keep talking about the blue badge. They didn't have one displayed. I could never get so enervated about this that I challenged someone, but the woman clealry thought she was some sort of champion for blue badge holders and then realised she was wrong.

LST · 25/08/2021 14:58

@Bloodypunkrockers to humiliate the person with the disability? Really? He didn't say it in kind. He 100% thought it wasn't mine and he was getting a kick out of it. There was no need for the nan comment.

LST · 25/08/2021 14:59

@Bryonyshcmyony

I don't know why people keep talking about the blue badge. They didn't have one displayed. I could never get so enervated about this that I challenged someone, but the woman clealry thought she was some sort of champion for blue badge holders and then realised she was wrong.
But the op wasn't even out of the car?! She had zero right. Maybe if they'd both walked off without showing a badge but that was not the case at all
Bryonyshcmyony · 25/08/2021 15:00

Of course she had "no right". Noone has a right to challenge anyone over parking, but some people do.

Bloodypunkrockers · 25/08/2021 15:09

[quote LST]@Bloodypunkrockers to humiliate the person with the disability? Really? He didn't say it in kind. He 100% thought it wasn't mine and he was getting a kick out of it. There was no need for the nan comment.[/quote]
Well that's about him not being a nice person in general

That's the reason for the photo. So that people don't use their nans

Topseyt · 25/08/2021 15:40

@evianlion

What kind of shitty person would defend someone behaving like that? Confused
I agree with you. However, there do seem to be a few of them on this thread.
goldfinchfan · 25/08/2021 15:41

@goldfinchfan I know and am related to people with intermittent and progressive illnesses who have blue badges. So on good days they can walk miles and on terrible days they are in hospital. On days in between when they are able to go out of the house they need their blue badges as they can't walk far

And so these people SHOULD HAVE BB's. I didn't realise my post was so unclear. I had a sister just like this. Sadly she died before she managed to obtain her BB

SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 25/08/2021 16:19

Urgh I hate this so much! My DH is now deemed as disabled due to having degenerative disc disease. His collecting his mobility scooter in 2 weeks. His youngish (38) and his dreading having to go out in it. Its the whole "you don't look disabled" that's grinds my gears!!!

I actually follow a tik toker who only has 1 leg, his in oz, and the amount of people that confront him about parking in disabled spots. I love him as he just whips his false leg off and starts being really really sarcastic 🤣🤣🤣

Sorry this happened to you!!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/08/2021 16:30

All the parking attendant needed to say was "Could I just see your photo, please - we're instructed to always check that they're being used properly by the badge holder, to protect the spaces for those most in need of them."

The 'make sure it isn't your nan's BB' comments are really unhelpful indeed. They just help to further affirm the myth that disabled = elderly. Anybody of any age can be disabled enough to need a BB and plenty of elderly people are perfectly AB (albeit maybe a little slower than they once were owing to the natural effects of aging).

Ask yourself if he would ever have flippantly said 'in case it's your sister's/son's/friend's BB' I very much doubt it.

Lunde · 25/08/2021 16:42

isthisareverse Wed 25-Aug-21 12:40:44 Why wouldn't you display your blue badge until you park and pay? Surely you put it there before you even leave the car, why wouldn't''t you. You are in a disabled spot anyway

But if you RTFT you would see that OP had not left the car as her friend was still getting the wheelchair.

I have a blue badge in an EU country where you are warned not to leave it on permanent display. I do not display it until I am ready to leave the car

evianlion · 25/08/2021 16:51

@Bryonyshcmyony

I don't know why people keep talking about the blue badge. They didn't have one displayed. I could never get so enervated about this that I challenged someone, but the woman clealry thought she was some sort of champion for blue badge holders and then realised she was wrong.
To answer your other question, you've been defending her.
Libraryghost · 25/08/2021 17:05

Yes it happens. I used to take my very disabled SIL shopping and we used her blue badge. A couple of rude people would ask if the blue badge belonged to me? No but my SIL could not going shopping without assistance. I didn’t give any explanations. I just told them to piss off and mind their own business. Be blunt and don’t put up with it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 25/08/2021 17:40

So what if I have a bit? I don't know her or any of you. I understand that it pissed off the OP but she was just a random shouty woman who made a mistake and apologised.

Bryonyshcmyony · 25/08/2021 17:40

@Libraryghost

Yes it happens. I used to take my very disabled SIL shopping and we used her blue badge. A couple of rude people would ask if the blue badge belonged to me? No but my SIL could not going shopping without assistance. I didn’t give any explanations. I just told them to piss off and mind their own business. Be blunt and don’t put up with it.
She didn't have her blue badge on display, I'm not sure why people aren't quite understading this.
PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2021 17:43

@Bryonyshcmyony

So what if I have a bit? I don't know her or any of you. I understand that it pissed off the OP but she was just a random shouty woman who made a mistake and apologised.
People shouldn’t be randomly shouting at strangers, whether they then go on to apologise or not.
BlankTimes · 25/08/2021 17:54

There's been a lot of comment on here from people thinking someone pulling into a BB space should already have their badge on display in the car.

Whether they think BB's should be permanently displayed like tax discs were, or whether they think a driver or passenger should just pop it on the dashboard to slide around (and likely slide off) whilst parking, I'm not sure, but both seem to be very uninformed assumptions.

Here are couple of points that people don't appear to understand.

BBs come with a timer disc that needs to be set when you arrive.

A BB consists of the badge and a timer disc, I wouldn't want anything of that size permanently stuck on my windscreen and how would anyone easily set the timer disc if it was?

There is a huge black market for BBs, when my DD's was last issued, she was told she had to be aware of that and not to leave it on permanent display. The out of date badge needs to be returned to the place of issue and its destruction is recorded.

As for a traffic or parking warden wondering about the age of a BB user, the birthdate is encoded in the numbers on the front as is the sex and other details. I'd have no objection to them asking to see the photo (which you are told not to display) but really a lot of info is already there in plain sight.

We park in a space, DD takes her BB and timer disc which are in a protective case and sets the time, then displays them on the dashboard.

I am hugely tempting fate now, but my now adult DD with invisible disabilities has had a BB since being a young teen and we've never been challenged.

Should it happen that some self-appointed busybody would do so, they'll be given short shrift starting with me recording them on my phone, telling them they are being recorded and asking what authority they have to question my use of the space as there is a BB displayed.
If they argue, I'll ask them to state their name and address and inform them I'll take the video to the Police station to report harassment of a disabled person.