Waiting to die

[NCNC101]

Does anyone else feel like they’re just waiting to die? I don’t mean feeling like you actively want to end your life, more that you just don’t care about anything anymore and wouldn’t be bothered at all if you died right now?

I’m not suicidal but I do feel like this quite often, although I would definitely never do it. It’s like I care so little about everything, including dying, that I’ll just passively do nothing until my time is up. I wonder sometimes if more people feel like this than care to admit. I think a lot of people that know me might be shocked if they knew I felt like this.

I saw this exact same thread on here a few weeks ago. Did you post that one too @NCNC101

@PeggyArmstrong Your post is extremely nasty and completely uncalled for. What is YOUR religion?

[quote KhalliWhalli]@PeggyArmstrong Your post is extremely nasty and completely uncalled for. What is YOUR religion?[/quote]
My religion is none of your business and I stand by what I said earlier.

This is an open and frank discussion.

Words are cheap, please share what I have said that is nasty and/or uncalled for but could you please do it quickly because you are distracting from the topic of this thread and also clearly trying to disrail a very important subject for many Mumsnetters.

...so maybe bugger off and take your Holy Roller crap away and annoy folk on another thread.

@PeggyArmstrong If you can't see how extremely offensive this is, then there is something wrong with you.

I get it OP. I feel that I have achieved all the major stuff in my life, everything but getting old. I have been lucky and u know it. But now that all my ‘achieving’ is over, what is left? Sometimes life seems a bit tedious especially as all the ‘highs of youth’ no longer apply. It’s not taking life for granted, just wondering about ones purpose in old age.

I know it I mean!

I get it completely OP. Maybe this isn’t the best place to post looking for a hand hold. In my experience people are unable to see or sympathise with a situation they haven’t, personally, experienced.

My 3 year old grandson went to Folly Farm today. He had an amazing experience with the children of his mother’s friends.

I think we are all masters of our destiny. It just needs everyone to step up and help

Some people have really difficult lives. Life is not great for a lot of people. I've had a chronic disease since I was 16. I'm now 40. I'm flipping sick of the battle. It's a battle I'll never win. I'm not suicidal but when my time comes they'll be an element of relief to it, that the fight is over. I'm not depressed, I'm just being honest! I understand what you're saying OP.

If I didn’t have my children then yes I wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow (or today).

I don’t want to die but if I did then it’s only my children I worry about.

I can relate to so many things that a lot of you have said here, thank you for sharing. I don’t think you have to be depressed to feel this way either. I’m still able to enjoy myself, and find humour in things. I still have hopes for the future, mainly for my DC. But ever since my early twenties (in my forties now) I’ve always felt that if I could wave a magic wand and not exist anymore, and my loved ones could magically be unaffected, I would do it. I’ve felt so tired for so long and can’t wait to just sleep forever and be at peace. I had a difficult beginning in life (lost DM aged 6, emotionally and physically abused by DF and step mother, married very young to escape, but then domestic violence from first DH, amongst other things) but on paper have a good life now. A loving family, financially comfortable, friends, career. Health is so-so. But I’ve always carried around with me a huge sense of loss and struggled to find any meaning in anything. I know there are so many people far far worse off than me- I honestly don’t know how I would cope with chronic pain for example, so I try and remind myself of this often. I sometimes feel guilty that I’ve brought DC into a world so full of suffering, corruption and injustice. Feels like it was kind of selfish really.

I had a very traumatic childhood that no one is really aware of and I feel like my life is ruined and think what’s the point in me? My life was ruined before it started. Everyday I try to imagine what I would be like had this not happened and don’t take care of myself.

I do nice things and have an amazing DC and would never leave DC in that respect but if I didn’t have him I would drink loads and whatever else i fancied. It’s very sad I guess.

OP, I had a very traumatic upbringing too and I feel exactly the same way about having a magic wand. Maybe that sort of thing tires you out long term and makes you jaded before your time.

I'm late thirties and it's likely I won't be having kids for the same reason you mention.

No judgment on those who have had kids, of course.

I have felt like this too OP, and I also had a very challenging childhood. I don't think the full impact of it hit me until well into adulthood.

In my case it was depression, even though I didn't recognise that at the time. Medication and therapy made a huge difference but it took time and work. I'm in a much better place now. I think those early experiences do need to be processed in order to move forward, even if you don't think they're affecting you.

I don't feel like this atall. You sound depressed.

This thread is such a relief. Have felt this way for years. I used to try and try to make things better for adult kids and natural world but I can't see a way forward anymore. The truth is, if I could go now they'd have a bit of money that might help them. If I could press a button and do it easily I would. So would dh. It's not depression. It's just facing the reality of a dying planet.

Just found this thread. I know it's about two months old, but thought it's still recent enough for me to post. Also, too recent for me to start another thread on the same theme.
Anyway, yes, I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I'm definitely not depressed. I've suffered depression, and know this isn't that. I am anxious. But, this is more a very calm, reasoned recognition that my life isn't at all what I thought it is or ever would be.
I've suffered OCD and PTSD (the latter probably led to the former) for many years, and have spent much of my life trying to recover from, and compensate for, a trauma (it all went wrong at age eleven for me). So I've never fully lived my life.
I find joy in many small things, and have discovered how much helping others makes life better.
But, overall, I'm wondering how much longer I have to linger here on earth. It's the tedium as well.
But, I think too that some of us are just so sensitive, and much in the world is too harsh for us to get our heads round. I can't bear all the suffering in the world. I don't understand competitiveness. The world these days is an alien place, and I want to be in a much kinder gentler reality than this.
OP

I feel like this. I've just turned 40 and feel like I'm just existing every day. I get up, make packed lunches, get kids up, take youngest son to school, housework, cook, dishes, bed and repeat. When I take a notion to go into town shopping or do something different, it ends in a fuck up like I can't get home.
I thought I had a man in my life but he is a lieing narcissist I've wasted a year on. My birthday weekend was shit. Nothing to look forward to now. If I died today I really wouldn't mind. Better than dragging this out for another 30 or so years. Ending up alone with a cat to keep me company.

I desperately need a kidney transplant so I can be alive for my children. There is so much I want to see and do. If anyone feels completely pointless, maybe explore living kidney donation and donate to a stranger altruistically!! It might give your life some meaning and would completely change the life of others who are desperate to stick around. Not for everyone obviously but just putting it out there…

Hi OP, and others on this thread, it is so reassuring to find others feeling similarly with this feeling of a void existence.
I am noticing a correlation with trauma and chronic illness, wondering if you OP have or do suffer with either?
I have both and it has definitely tired me to a halt. I cannot travel or move to the extent I’d like due to a chronic condition I have.
Part of me feels I’d cope better somewhere quieter and remote but my health long term does not lend its self to that.
I have no sense of ambition, feeling what’s the point, as I’ll never measure up.
I hope to at some point move and for this to give me some sense of freshness, I think impactful experiences are things which help. I think that’s when I feel most alive. For the past two years we’ve all been short on the ground with them.
Hope you feel some peace that there are so many of us which have this at the forefront of our minds x

I did, now I take Sertraline and I feel great!

@LadyCatStark would you mind me asking does this have many side effects (I know most things do but I’m not prepared to risk something making me feel worse) - hard to come off etc? I’d try anything it it made me feel more balanced with life.

@Samuraisammy I’ve inly been taking it for 4 weeks so I don’t know about coming off it but my side affects we’re 1 night of insomnia (as I took it about 4pm on the first day, taking it in the morning sorted that issue), 2 days of very mild headaches and nausea, a bit of a dodgy tummy for about a week and teeth grinding/ banging together (weird!). All of these side effects have been more than worth it for the feeling of being “fine”.

I know this post is from 2021, but, it came up on a Google search “waiting to die”. It’s not as simple or straightforward as it sounds. I do not want to live anymore, + haven’t got a long time now. I’m a prisoner in my own home. No freedom. Nothing. Isolated. So many illnesses + deterioration of not just mental but physical health as a result of the circumstances I find myself in. We are not built for being 100% 24/7 alone in this world. That’s why solitary or the Hole is a form of punishment. I am being punished.. I’m stuck. When I’m feeling so low, + resorted to cutting my arms, the only bit of relief is telling myself it will all end soon, I don’t have to feel this way forever. I have no use or interest in the ‘outside world’. I don’t even understand how I did the activities that ‘normal’ ppl do.. like having a coffee, pub, cinema, dinner, gigs etc. I wonder what the point of these activities are? There is nothing for me outside. Yes I am a result + victim of violent abuse from parents. I’ve never had a secure roof over my head. That insecurity has taken over me, because, I dare not engage with the ‘outside’ world because the home I have is my safe place, my refuge, my shelter. My everything… even tho that’s BS because I don’t even own it in Tory Britain. Change whether positive or negative happens gradually, sometimes it happens + it’s not noticed. That’s what happened to me. Then a couple of years ago I started realising that I am not the person I was before. Even my clothes look unfamiliar, my shoes, even my makeup. I can’t manage mentally to have a shower, wash my hair. This is what it feels like to know + to accept but only when you take ownership of The Self - if I died, killed myself this second I know no one would even know I was dead. Life is overrated.