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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Waiting to die

129 replies

NCNC101 · 25/08/2021 02:16

Does anyone else feel like they’re just waiting to die? I don’t mean feeling like you actively want to end your life, more that you just don’t care about anything anymore and wouldn’t be bothered at all if you died right now?

I’m not suicidal but I do feel like this quite often, although I would definitely never do it. It’s like I care so little about everything, including dying, that I’ll just passively do nothing until my time is up. I wonder sometimes if more people feel like this than care to admit. I think a lot of people that know me might be shocked if they knew I felt like this.

OP posts:
Gallowayan · 25/08/2021 18:36

I have never felt this pervasive feeling of indifference you describe. I understand it's quite normal for some of the tension to go out of life in middle age when you fulfilled your purpose. But not to the extent that there are only shades of grey. In late middle age I still feel driven to do things I like doing, still have definite opinions, likes and dislikes etc. Not going to assume it's a mental health issue but how log have you felt like this?

Chunkymenrock · 25/08/2021 18:39

Yes, this is me. I'm not depressed but I just have a sense of life's shit and then you die. Just total resignation. Every meal I cook, I think 'that's one meal closer to death!' I don't know why I do this, but it's quite refreshing to feel so blasé in some ways, I think. After all, it's the only certainty.

Gallowayan · 25/08/2021 18:39

How long ( not 'log' )have you felt like this.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 25/08/2021 18:40

Yabu.

Threewheeler1 · 25/08/2021 18:47

I completely understand this OP.
Feel like I'm sort of flat-lining through everything. Struggling to find any joy.
Flowers to all

FlipFlops4Me · 25/08/2021 18:51

@Chosennone

I feel the complete opposite. At 50 in very aware that I'm over half way through. I've been enjoying myself and time has flown! There is so much I still want to do and see and experience! I really want to stay healthy to ensure this can happen. Please check in with a GP. Life is a gift.
Me too! There is soooo much left that I want to try. So many books to read, dishes to taste, places to visit - conversations to have with the children, so many walks to take beloved dogs on. I've got so much to do and time is flying past!
queenMab99 · 25/08/2021 18:54

I have felt like this, or so I thought but I am 70 now and suddenly feel a bit horrified that I probably have only around 10 years left, I think it was Charlie Watt dying at 80 which flagged it up. My mother lived to 95, but I definitely dont want to live that long, unless i am still in possession of my marbles and reasonably healthy.

TartanJumper · 25/08/2021 18:58

@Chunkymenrock

Yes, this is me. I'm not depressed but I just have a sense of life's shit and then you die. Just total resignation. Every meal I cook, I think 'that's one meal closer to death!' I don't know why I do this, but it's quite refreshing to feel so blasé in some ways, I think. After all, it's the only certainty.
Yes. Every night I go to sleep is one day closer. It's rather odd. I wonder what its like to find joy in life sometimes. For me it's just day after day of stress.
Ionlydomassiveones · 25/08/2021 19:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Blossominthesky · 25/08/2021 19:03

I feel like this all the time and have done so for many many years!!! It’s quite a relief to see that more people feel like this!

I quite understand when you say you’re not suicidal. I’m not. I won’t kill myself. I don’t feel horrifically upset. I do feel generally apathetic though and listless and have no real attachment to being here. If someone said, you would never wake up tonight, that wouldnt upset me at all. I’d be relieved.

I’m 34 and what does upset me is that I have 40+ years to trudge through. I just find life meaningless and boring and what’s the point.

When I say boring, people will say get a hobby or find something you love. But is that really it? Most people who are bored don’t feel like they’d be happy to not be alive. So I think it’s something else, something different.

The only way I can describe is just a real non attachment to this life.

merryhouse · 25/08/2021 19:06

Posters questioning DDIJ: this is the poster whose mother has done such a number on her that she genuinely believes she has no right to have wants, never mind attempt to fulfil them. If you try to tell her she deserves more she doesn't believe you.

Dontwatchfootball · 25/08/2021 19:31

I dont think it is uncommon actually (I work in mental health). But I think it often passes - the trick is to forget about the global picture and concentrate on the small pleasures of life.

Gallowayan · 25/08/2021 19:38

I once had the pleasure of meeting someone who told me she found it impossible to see any aspect of her life as being bad.

At the other extreme I assessed a patient (who suffered from depression) who told me that anyone who was happy had to be simple minded. This was because any person of intelligence would be able to see that life was shit and would inevitably be unhappy.

Interesting that 73% of those polled here feel that anhedonia is understandable response to the world.

SecretWitch · 25/08/2021 19:43

My physician told me he would consider hospitalising me after I told him sometimes I wished I wasn’t here. I could not make him understand that I am not suicidal. I had no plans to harm myself but I would not mind not being here. I have had a very shitty year medically and feel exhausted. I did agree to speak to a therapist but have not done so yet…

MrsLargeEmbodied · 25/08/2021 19:53

the situation in afghanistan consumes me,
before it was covid
i had happiness with the olympics

MrsLargeEmbodied · 25/08/2021 19:54

but i need to watch paralympics to gain more happiness, that and happiness through friends and family

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 20:03

It's interesting that everyone is saying this is depression, yet 77% of people voted YANBU. Does that mean that 77% of respondents are depressed?

Or do some of us just value life more than others. I don't believe life is always a gift. It's not always fun, depending on what happens to you.

BananaRama990 · 25/08/2021 20:07

This sounds like depression to me also, I experienced this when depressed. I would try to see the GP as soon as you can as this can quickly develop into active suicidal ideation.
Hope you see some improvement soon and if things worsen and you don't feel you can keep yourself safe don't hesitate to go to A&E etc.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 25/08/2021 20:14

I've gone through frequent periods of depression since the ripe old age of 23! I felt exactly how many of you are describing your lives, eventually it was put down to a hormone imbalance, and since reaching 50, I have been popping antidepressants, every day, but I don't care because it helps keep me on an even keel. I also understand those who are disabled and in severe pain everyday, because that's been me since I hit 40, when I had a failed operation, which has left me in chronic pain and on morphine for the last 21 years. However, although I have the occasional day where I get a bit down, I soon sort myself out by reminding myself that however bad I'm feeling, there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me!! It really does work! So for those of you that feel life is just one long drudge, please get yourself to the doctor, and get some help. Life really doesn't have to be like that.

Beancounter1 · 25/08/2021 20:16

@MrsLargeEmbodied

the situation in afghanistan consumes me, before it was covid i had happiness with the olympics
Afghanistan and the Olympics are not in your life. (unless you actually live in Afghanistan or have close family/friends there, ditto if you/family are Olympic athletes).

These events are only coming into your life via screens, or maybe radio.

You need to turn off the screens and look at your real life - the one where your body is.

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 20:16

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

I've gone through frequent periods of depression since the ripe old age of 23! I felt exactly how many of you are describing your lives, eventually it was put down to a hormone imbalance, and since reaching 50, I have been popping antidepressants, every day, but I don't care because it helps keep me on an even keel. I also understand those who are disabled and in severe pain everyday, because that's been me since I hit 40, when I had a failed operation, which has left me in chronic pain and on morphine for the last 21 years. However, although I have the occasional day where I get a bit down, I soon sort myself out by reminding myself that however bad I'm feeling, there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me!! It really does work! So for those of you that feel life is just one long drudge, please get yourself to the doctor, and get some help. Life really doesn't have to be like that.
I'm already on anti-depressants and although I have no remaining symptoms of depression, I still feel like life is not a gift. I've never felt it's a gift.

I think this could also be a way of seeing the world that could be ingrained in one's personality. Some people are more melancholic than others.

JoanWilderbeast · 25/08/2021 20:19

Agree, it's quality not quantity.

Dontwatchfootball · 25/08/2021 20:22

I dont think you have to be depressed - or have any kind of mental health condition actually - to feel this way. If you get into thinking about the sameness of life, the big things, purpose and aims, you can easily end up here. But as I said before, the trick is to focus on small pleasures and things that you find enjoyment from. And to cultivate gratitude - there is a lot of evidence that doing exercises like this can really help change your outlook.

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 20:30

@Dontwatchfootball

I dont think you have to be depressed - or have any kind of mental health condition actually - to feel this way. If you get into thinking about the sameness of life, the big things, purpose and aims, you can easily end up here. But as I said before, the trick is to focus on small pleasures and things that you find enjoyment from. And to cultivate gratitude - there is a lot of evidence that doing exercises like this can really help change your outlook.
I have things I enjoy very much and a hobby I'm deeply passionate about. But I also do not care if I died and never did it again. I also cultivate gratitude by doing a gratitude list often, when I'm journalling.

Neither of those things have cured my outlook that life is a burden. I do think this is connected to personality.

I have had many good times in life, but if I could go back and be given a choice, I wouldn't be born because I don't think this is a very good world to live in.

FredaFox · 25/08/2021 20:33

I know exactly what you mean.
My life isn't how I want it and while I'm caring for my mum I can't change it even when like tonight she's being difficult

I miss the freedom of my own home and seeing friends, I feel like I've just given up