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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
Kylereese · 24/08/2021 22:41

I’d dump him straight away - I’d probably just ghost him so early on or if you’re feeling really guilty just say you’re not compatible as it’s the truth not financially compatible.

I wouldn’t go out with a skint guy/scrounger

inmyslippers · 24/08/2021 22:46

Girl run 🚩

WhatAShilohPitt · 24/08/2021 23:16

The problem for me is 1) the dishonesty 2) the way he suggests activities as if he can afford it but is reliant on you paying. Both are unattractive and yes, I’d end it. I’ve dated skint guys and it wasn’t a problem because they didn’t treat me like a cash point while lying about forgetting their cards etc. He’s a cheeky fucker for pretending he’d pay knifing full well he had no intention of doing it.

WhatAShilohPitt · 24/08/2021 23:16

*knowing

SleepTalk · 25/08/2021 00:01

I went on a date with a guy like this once. Throughout the date he was constantly asking me to pay for stuff because he paid £5 each for us to see a sketch show of an upcoming comedian. He tried to kiss me on couple of occasions and I swerved the first and politely declined the second. He then tried to insist on coming back to mine. I declined and he then asked that I at least pay for his taxi home. The following day I sent him a polite text to say I didnt think y was going to work out. He replied to say a second date 'was the very least I owed' him because he paid for the night out. I pointed out that he paid £5 each for tickets for the show and I paid £80 for the rest of the evening for us so was at a loss as to how this was him taking me out. Lol.
RUN OP.... RUN!

PrincessNutella · 25/08/2021 00:50

cocklodger looking for a lodge

NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 01:04

@PluggingAway

At this early stage you should be strolling through the park having exciting debates about world issues, and fucking all night with cheerful abandon. It really shouldn't be this hard.

He lied several times and put you in an awkward position. Just end it.

This.
NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 01:06

@mam0918

I would say YABVU because you KNOW he doesnt have the money, he hasnt lied and has made it exceptionally clear and yet you want more than what he can physically give you, guilt him into spending more than he has and even deliberately try to embarass him over not having it.

Theres nothing wrong with free or cheep dates but you clearly dont like him for him... let the poor guy go for his own sake and go find a sugar daddy thats better suited to your lifestyle.

Lol! GrinGrinGrin
NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 01:10

It's obvious he had no idea he would have to pay £40 just for you both to get in and then £18 for drinks on top - who would??

Anybody who has ever been to a club like that before? Apparently he told the OP that he had...

NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 01:14

🏃🏻‍♀️

Mother2princess · 25/08/2021 01:15

Hell no get rid

milkyaqua · 25/08/2021 01:26

I had a chap like this, never any money, never any food in the house, think in hindsight his parents paid his rent - he was a compulsive gambler.

If the head of police security (!) or whatever part-time jobs he does, lives at his parents, and still has no money and a maxed out credit card there is something wrong.

TrishM80 · 25/08/2021 03:39

Find a man with money.

NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 03:51

@TrishM80

Find a man with money.
Lol. Hardly necessary. Women with self-respect can earn their own money, they don't need men with money.

They should also be able to expect men not to be leeches who do not pay their own way.

blubberball · 25/08/2021 03:58

Did the op dump him in the end? Hope so. He sounds like a waste of her time

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 25/08/2021 08:46

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

YANBU.

How did you get there if he was driving? Did he not pick you up? Do you live far apart?

I always thought I was an independent woman and would always offer to go halves on first dates, but the first and only time that a guy accepted my offer I immediately got the ick, so maybe I am actually a secret snob/gold digger Blush.

I wouldn't date a guy living at home at 27 with no clear career plan or plan to move out.

@Hobnobsandbroomstick I took a train and met him at the club he drove there, after the night ended (for me anyway) I made up an excuse and went home on my own. Yeah you're right it left a funny taste in my mouth!
OP posts:
Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 25/08/2021 08:52

Update that no one probably asked for:

I told him I thought it wouldn't work out and that it would be best if we were just friends as our lifestyles are too different and I would prefer not to continue dating. He sent me a long bible scripture paragraph saying he thinks I am being unfair and shallow and that I am harsh for not wanting to date someone that works as a delivery driver and lives with his family, and how he's trying to move out in the next few years.

Then he has said he gets paid this Thursday and wants to take me to a nice Italian restaurant on Friday to apologise. I feel guilty but don' t imagine I will be falling for that trick again so told him I was busy and stand by just wanting to be friends. I didn't have the heart to block him, and he hasn't replied to my last message yet.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 08:57

Did you tell him it was the lie that was off putting. I feel like it might be useful for him to know that for future reference.

BillMasen · 25/08/2021 08:59

@TrishM80

Find a man with money.
Ffs
BillMasen · 25/08/2021 09:02

@Whatinthelord

Did you tell him it was the lie that was off putting. I feel like it might be useful for him to know that for future reference.
I do agree with this. It sounds like he heard “you’re too poor”. I know that’s not what you said but if he heard that, the whole thing continues and he feels he has to overstate his finances to be taken seriously

It’s bullshit but this thread proves a lot of women will only date someone who isn’t poor

ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 09:06

He's whining. He's also future faking i.e. it'll be better when........

Let him have his criticism of you, you don't care, you won't be seeing him again. He's pretty much a little con artist.

I see the guilt tripping / emotional blackmail is starting. He doesn't have any business telling you who to date. Your standards and boundaries are yours, not his.

When he gets to much, you will have the motivation to block him. Warning: tantrum approaching.

Paid on Thursday, go for a meal on Friday, erm no.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 09:10

I wouldn't be able to turn the other cheek to that. I would have to tell him that his job isnt the problem for me, but it is clearly an issue for him since he lied about it, and lieing to me was the first strike. His salary also isnt the issue, but his insistence on choosing expensive dates and then just standing there waiting for me to pay was the second strike. If you only had £20 for the date then dont choose a club with extortionate prices, just suggest we go grab a pizza. My problem isn't hum being a delivery driver or living at home, my issue is that he is a liar who wants to live beyond his means and use me to pay for everything.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 09:11

It’s bullshit but this thread proves a lot of women will only date someone who isn’t poor

Bollocks. (Are you a man ?)

How about dating someone who doesn't lie about their job/income. Doesn't deliberately deceive and pull little stunts like...meet me at an expensive club......I've left my bank card in the car......you'll have to pay the entrance fee.....you'll have to pay for our drinks etc etc.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 09:13

my issue is that he is a liar who wants to live beyond his means and use me to pay for everything.

Bingo.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 09:15

@BillMasen

Bullshit. Because a women doesn't want to date a liar, who makes expensive plans and then stands there like a Wally, expecting her to pay for his choices, you're trying to blame woman for only wanting rich men? Are we reading about the same man?

I'm a single parent to 2 kids. I wont date someone who can support themselves or pay their own way. I have myself to pay for and 2 kids to pay her. I'm not going to date someone who tells me he has one job, when he is actually a delivery driver and who makes plans for expensive nights out and then tells me, after we have arrived, that I need to pay for him too.

No. I'm too old for that. I want an adult with a job who can support himself. Whether that is earning millions or £25K, I dont care. Just dont come into my life and expect me to divert funds from my children in order to support you.