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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 09:16

my issue is that he is a liar who wants to live beyond his means and use me to pay for everything.

BTW men can be just as sceptical of women when it comes to money / income / spending.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 09:19

@ToffeeNotCoffee

Well, yeah. What's your point?

If a women did this; lied about her job, planned expensive nights and then just stood waiting for the guy to pay, I would say the same thing.

I dont let men pay for me on dates. I never have. Why would I need them to? I'm there to spend time with them, I'm not there to get a free dinner. I dont particularly like women who expect men to pay.

It's fine doing turn about, or getting rounds in each. But simply expecting your date, whatever their sex, to pay for you is a sign of someone very immature/insecure/sexist.

BeauxRingarde · 25/08/2021 09:53

It’s bullshit but this thread proves a lot of women will only date someone who isn’t poor

No, this thread shows we will date someone who isn't a liar. It also shows that some women will excuse a man any bad behaviour at all and blame the rest of us for having standards. One can only presume they scraped the very bottom of the barrel and like to pretend their men are the norm.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 25/08/2021 09:56

@ForensicAccountant

How did he pay to get in? Credit cards don’t usually decline when you are going a few quid over the limit and he knew his card would be declined. So he must have had another card or cash to get in!
@ForensicAccountant Either he blocked his debit card in the toilet on his phone by freezing it or he knew he had just enough to pay for entry and not enough for anything else. I don't think it was a credit card but wasn't looking that intently. Sucks and I'm embarrassed but oh well!
OP posts:
BillMasen · 25/08/2021 10:08

@ToffeeNotCoffee

It’s bullshit but this thread proves a lot of women will only date someone who isn’t poor

Bollocks. (Are you a man ?)

How about dating someone who doesn't lie about their job/income. Doesn't deliberately deceive and pull little stunts like...meet me at an expensive club......I've left my bank card in the car......you'll have to pay the entrance fee.....you'll have to pay for our drinks etc etc.

I am

I agree with you, and the op

I have issue with a number of other poster who
Post things like “the man should provide” and “I won’t date anyone skint”

BillMasen · 25/08/2021 10:09

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@BillMasen

Bullshit. Because a women doesn't want to date a liar, who makes expensive plans and then stands there like a Wally, expecting her to pay for his choices, you're trying to blame woman for only wanting rich men? Are we reading about the same man?

I'm a single parent to 2 kids. I wont date someone who can support themselves or pay their own way. I have myself to pay for and 2 kids to pay her. I'm not going to date someone who tells me he has one job, when he is actually a delivery driver and who makes plans for expensive nights out and then tells me, after we have arrived, that I need to pay for him too.

No. I'm too old for that. I want an adult with a job who can support himself. Whether that is earning millions or £25K, I dont care. Just dont come into my life and expect me to divert funds from my children in order to support you.[/quote]
Again to be clear. I agree with the op and this man hasn’t behaved well

I take issue with other posters clearly stating the mans role as provider and their reluctance to date anyone poor

ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 10:16

Either he blocked his debit card in the toilet on his phone by freezing it or he knew he had just enough to pay for entry and not enough for anything else.

So why ask you to meet him at an expensive club ? (So he could free load off of you all night, obvs.)

Nice little dodge, eh ? It's the deliberateness of it that makes me cringe. He's shameless, by the way and considers it ok to act like this.

Interesting that he's whining and trying to make you feel guilty rather than impress the hell out of you with his chat, sense of humour etc etc etc.

Nope, he's the one that's made it all about money and has the cheek to guilt trip you.

powershowerforanhour · 25/08/2021 10:24

he thinks I am being unfair and shallow and that I am harsh
So now he's negging you.

Then he has said he gets paid this Thursday and wants to take me to a nice Italian restaurant on Friday to apologise
Then basically trying to get into your pants in the next breath.
BYE FELIPE.

Run don't walk OP, and if he starts pulling the self pitying "yeah I have a problem and need the love of a good woman to sort me out", engage turbo boosters. He's probably on some incel site now spewing about how women are such shallow money obsessed Chad shagging bitches. Bah! Better luck with the next one.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 10:30

@BillMasen

I wont date anyone skint. Why is it my job to pay for some feckless man who cant pay for his own ticket/food/entrance. Why should I waste my time with someone who has reached their thirties and still doesn't have a stable situation?

That's not what I want for my life. I've got kids. I dont want to date like I did when we were all students. I'm not a kid anymore; I want someone in a stable situation who isnt scrounging around for pennies or expecting me to fund everything he wants to do.

I dont expect them to pay for me. I will do that. So why should I date someone in their thirties who is constantly skint and leaving me to support my 2 kids and some random man?

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 10:35

@BillMasen

Ah. I see you're a man. Of course.

Woman saying that at their stage of life, they want someone who is financially stable, doesnt lie and wont become an instant burden, you dismiss us as good diggers.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 25/08/2021 10:35

Get rid

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 25/08/2021 10:40

Oh and just to add he also wrote in his bible scripture text that he says he admitted that he lied but owned up to it and apologised because he thought I would judge.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 25/08/2021 10:48

@Fiddliestofsticks no one is saying you have to do that. I’m not

You’re not one of the posters who say a mans role is the provider and they won’t date anyone who would not fulfil that role. Others are. I’m not disagreeing with you

My sex is irrelevant surely

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 25/08/2021 10:52

@Thenose

Why didn't you finish it when you found out he'd wildly misrepresented his job to you? He's dishonest; what else don't you know about him?

Bin him; he's a wrong 'un.

@Thenose I only found out on the night we went clubbing so won't be seeing him again!
OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 10:58

admitted that he lied but owned up to it and apologised because he thought I would judge.

Leave this whining man child far behind you. As a PP has suggested: engage boosters to get away from him faster.

Oh and when it comes to judging he's already judged you as a good prospect. I assume in conversation you chatted about jobs / where you live etc etc. I suspect the £ signs were lighting up in his eyes.

Oh and I'm not surprised the biblical epic of his you read sounds practiced. How about script rather than scripture ?

He's trotted this and / or several versions of this out several times over the years.

I reiterate: why is this all about him whining about lying rather than you having good fun and a nice time, no drama ?

QueenBee52 · 25/08/2021 11:15

Glad you ended this ...

let he can think whatever he likes... his behaviour is what ended this 🌸

Jarstastic · 25/08/2021 11:21

Next him. Don’t beat yourself up for going out with him in the first place, just move on, quickly. I’d also recommend watching videos on YouTube of Matthew Hussey’s advice.

gogohm · 25/08/2021 11:43

£27k is a fairly low wage, even though he lives with family perhaps he pays a lot to them? I would be in exactly the same position as him, I can't afford £9 for a shot! If you want a different sort of lifestyle then he's obviously not for you! Personally I value love more though

Pemba · 25/08/2021 11:57

gogohm. Oh, for goodness sake! Score zero for reading comprehension.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 25/08/2021 12:07

@gogohm

£27k is a fairly low wage, even though he lives with family perhaps he pays a lot to them? I would be in exactly the same position as him, I can't afford £9 for a shot! If you want a different sort of lifestyle then he's obviously not for you! Personally I value love more though
I earn the 27k, I could afford the shots as well as the entry. I wasn't happy about it but put it down to a one off. I wouldn't say I'm rich but can afford some luxuries and have a decent disposable income at the end of the month, and I have my own place as a single mother of 1.
OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 25/08/2021 12:16

The way I see it, this is not really about the money at all. It's about the deceit and the lies.

The trouble with a liar, once they've been caught out and you know they've lied, is never being able to believe anything they say, ever again. And of course when a liar does tell the truth, they can be really indignant and angry if they're doubted. The difference is they know when something's true bit nobody else ever can.

I don't think even enough Italian dinners to feed the whole of Naples could put things right.

OP could usefully offer feedback on the importance of respecting people enough to be truthful about himself, his occupation, the whereabouts of his wallet etc etc so he can have a better chance with the next person he dates. That's the best she can offer him, really. Only a fool would go back for another round of wondering what is true and what is a lie. It's entertaining on a celebrity game show; less so in a relationship.

billy1966 · 25/08/2021 12:25

At exactly what is the point of going out with a guy who has zero career and lives with his poor parents?

If a woman wants to have a family, she is on the clock.

Someone who has potential to share the cost of a home and a child is not too much to ask IMO.

She is absolutely wasting her time.

He knows only too well that his lack of ambition is an issue that is why he lied.

mogsrus · 25/08/2021 12:27

red flags from the start,time to go, for your own sanity

ToffeeNotCoffee · 25/08/2021 12:36

can afford some luxuries and have a decent disposable income at the end of the month, and I have my own place

If he knew this he thought he would be on to a good thing. Also, you're a parent. Did he want you to be his mummy too ?

As a PP has said, he's a cock lodger looking for a vacant lodge.

If a woman acted like this she would be accused of wanting a sugar daddy / meal ticket / being a gold digger.

A man acts like this and if the woman he's freeloading off puts her foot down she gets the criticism for only being interested in how much a guy can spend on her.

Anyone would think it's only women that can be gold diggers.

He gets paid on Thursday and wants to take you out for a meal on Friday ? Seriously ? After the previous date debacle ?

Glad you are not going on another dreadful date with him so he can apologise for the last dreadful date with him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/08/2021 12:49

Good on you for ending it OP, he took the piss in a number of ways.

I stand by the fact that him lying specifically about a job at a police station is extra dodgy as it's designed to make him sound safe and decent.

In response to his manipulative guilt trip, I would go with:

"I don't think a good relationship can start from dishonesty and your lies made me uncomfortable even if you did come clean so best we draw a line under things. All the best for the future."

And then block.