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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
BodgertheJogger · 24/08/2021 14:43

@Whatinthelord

There’s a difference between someone struggling financially and the someone. Struggling financially, lying about their job and the inviting someone else out then expecting them to pay.

The lie would be enough to put me off. I do t care how rich or poor someone is and in fact I’d like someone who didn’t always want to do stuff that costs money. I’d really hate for a relationship to start with a lie though…it’s not a good sign.

100% this. Not a good sign. I wish you the best, OP
Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/08/2021 14:46

YANBU.

How did you get there if he was driving? Did he not pick you up? Do you live far apart?

I always thought I was an independent woman and would always offer to go halves on first dates, but the first and only time that a guy accepted my offer I immediately got the ick, so maybe I am actually a secret snob/gold digger Blush.

I wouldn't date a guy living at home at 27 with no clear career plan or plan to move out.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/08/2021 14:47

Head of security of a police station?! Is that even a real job Hmm

CirqueDeMorgue · 24/08/2021 14:54

I always thought I was an independent woman and would always offer to go halves on first dates, but the first and only time that a guy accepted my offer I immediately got the ick, so maybe I am actually a secret snob/gold digger

Confused
AnonymousCheerleader · 24/08/2021 15:00

Have you replied to him yet, OP?

Hemingwaycat · 24/08/2021 15:03

If he works and still lives with family, what on Earth is he doing with his money? I can’t imagine his family charge much in rent, families don’t tend to charge the going rate for the local area anyway so aside from food, car, phone bill perhaps what does he actually have to spend money on? He needs to sort his life out if he doesn’t even have £16 going spare for a couple of drinks in a bar.

I’d end things personally, his situation sounds rather miserable.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/08/2021 15:05

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

Head of security of a police station?! Is that even a real job Hmm
No

RTFT - he'd invented it :)

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/08/2021 15:06

@CirqueDeMorgue

Yep, I know, it sounds bad. Though it's only happened once and I didn't realise it would immediately give me the ick. I was a full time student/working part time at the time and he was working full time in a well paid job. It was our second date: the first was a walk and so it was free. I felt it was polite to offer to go halves when the bill came, but was surprised when he accepted and a bit annoyed tbh; he had invited me to go for dinner and picked the restaurant (I'd suggested cheaper options but he said no "I'll treat you to somewhere nice"), it was a big chunk of my weekly budget, not the end of the world, but it definitely put me immediately off him.

Thenose · 24/08/2021 15:17

Why didn't you finish it when you found out he'd wildly misrepresented his job to you? He's dishonest; what else don't you know about him?

Bin him; he's a wrong 'un.

Ilady · 24/08/2021 15:18

He is 27, living at home and has two jobs. You been seeing him the past 2/3 months and he can't afford to go places or do things with you. Even if he is just getting min wage for the 2 jobs he does not have the same expenses as someone living away from home.

I have a feeling that he either likes drugs or gambles. Another reason he might say he is broke is that he likes to save and not spend.

At 27 he should want more than living at home, working 2 jobs and earning very little. I worked with a man years ago who was in the same position but he went back to education and now has a permanent decent paying job.
Does he think that someone is going to come along and replace his mammy providing a home for him and supporting him long term?
In your mid 20's you should be working towards getting a better paying job, leaving home at some stage, have some savings and be able to afford a night out unless your still in college.

This man has lied to you. He has cancelled plans due to having no money despite having 2 jobs and still living at home. He offers to bring you on a night out to an expensive place and expects you to pay for it.
He is showing you his true colours and it time for you to end it. I tell him that it not working for you. That you know he lied to you about his job and that your sick of paying for everything when you go out for a night. I also say to him at 27 that he needs to start making plans to do some courses and get a better paying job because it time he grew up.

KarmaStar · 24/08/2021 15:18

You know you need to end it op.
You mention that you always get the wrong men,why is that?
Look at your profiles,look at your life,think about what you actually want rather than taking on men just to be in a relationship.(no offence intended there).
Maybe consider coming off dating sites,start doing things you enjoy and see where your path takes you.by doing some hobbies or sport it might build your confidence,help you to be happy as you and love will find you naturally.just allow your life to flow.💐

QueenBee52 · 24/08/2021 15:19

oh lord... just block him 🌸

Petardos · 24/08/2021 15:19

What! Freeloader run as fan as you can before you end up in debt.

icelollycraving · 24/08/2021 15:40

I am guessing the part time jobs may be fictional too, as is his experience of going to the bar before.
Really, he could be in debt/ gambling/ zero hours etc but he’s not honest. To not pay for even one drink is just terribly bad mannered. I thought you were going to say you paid to go in, and then he didn’t get in and gave you some story of drama happening. Be thankful you haven’t spent much time on this. Can you imagine introducing him to your friends? And him dodging paying a round?!
Your expectations aren’t the same. Dating at the beginning should be like a fun interview, seeing if you’re a good fit. You aren’t. Would you take a job you didn’t want with shit benefits? Get rid, you’ll feel relieved when you do!

FinallyHere · 24/08/2021 15:52

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

felt it was polite to offer to go halves when the bill came, but was surprised when he accepted and a bit annoyed tbh; he had invited me to go for dinner and picked the restaurant (I'd suggested cheaper options but he said no "I'll treat you to somewhere nice"), it was a big chunk of my weekly budget, not the end of the world, but it definitely put me immediately off him.

That is a bit tricky.

If he invited you, and he chose the restaurent, because he wanted to treat you, then it seems a bit odd of you to offer to go halves.

Much better to say thank you and next one is on me. That way, you are still going halves and you get to chose the venue and the cost level.

While OP's experience of being invited and they having to foot the bill is such a red flag.

ForensicAccountant · 24/08/2021 16:06

How did he pay to get in? Credit cards don’t usually decline when you are going a few quid over the limit and he knew his card would be declined. So he must have had another card or cash to get in!

ToffeeNotCoffee · 24/08/2021 16:10

He dreams of a life he can't afford. He's got his nose pressed up against the glass of life.

I wonder if he was bragging about being at the club the next day to his friends ? Was he also bragging that some one else paid ? Or giving the impression that he had the money for it ?

KeyWorker · 24/08/2021 16:22

I think you should dump him, not because you don't earn the same but because he lied to you about his job. I mean he’s obviously got a decent work ethic if he’s managing 2 jobs but he seems to have a chip on his shoulder about how much money he has (or hasn’t) got. His behaviour around paying for things is off-putting. It’s fine at this stage to just pay for your own dinner/drinks/club entry.

Just as an aside, if he lives with family are they taking money off him? Or does he have massive debts at all? Xx

sleepyhoglet · 24/08/2021 16:32

You might not care now, but down the line when you want to move in with someone or start a family, them not being able to provide becomes an issue

BillMasen · 24/08/2021 16:35

@sleepyhoglet

You might not care now, but down the line when you want to move in with someone or start a family, them not being able to provide becomes an issue
And that right there is the problem…
Confiscatedpopit · 24/08/2021 16:42

He should have a great deal of disposable income at his age with no responsibilities. I can only dream of a life with just having to pay for my phone, board and gym membership on the salary I bring home! I can maybe just about understand being skint the week before payday- but not all the time.

Lying to you about his job would have been enough for me to get rid.

Honestly, long term this is bad. I can’t imagine what he would be like with actual bills, mortgages or paying for children!

Eralos · 24/08/2021 16:45

Is he awful with money? As if he’s a security guard and a driver living at home, he should be able to afford a night out once in a while.

user1471538283 · 24/08/2021 16:53

He is either unemployed or is spending the money as he sees fit. The lack of pride would put me off. Who goes to an expensive place with only £20? He is setting you up to pay for him all the time.

I'm like you OP. I don't expect to be paid for but I'm not paying for someone else.

There seems to be so many of these men around.

dottydodah · 24/08/2021 17:20

I would dump ASAP! He doesnt sound much of a "catch" does he? Leaving you embarassed when his CC failed! What sort of a man does that FFS! Long term he would not be a good provider/wage earner .Obv you want a kind person but not someone who hardly earns anything at all!

BillMasen · 24/08/2021 17:24

@dottydodah

I would dump ASAP! He doesnt sound much of a "catch" does he? Leaving you embarassed when his CC failed! What sort of a man does that FFS! Long term he would not be a good provider/wage earner .Obv you want a kind person but not someone who hardly earns anything at all!
And again with the “provider” shit
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