Lovely neighbour banging on wall

[Pastnowfuture]

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

I'd talk to them, perhaps they're banging thinking you haven't noticed him crying (I know sounds crazy when you know that's not the case and he is being comforted, but if its just now and again perhaps they assume that). Or it's out of frustration, but without sounding harsh, tough luck really, you're doing what works for your family and you do have to think of your own wellbeing as well.

If your child is waking the neighbours at 3am, you need to do what you can to reduce the noise level. If that means moving his bed to a room not adjacent to their bedroom, you need to do that. If that means moving your bed to a room not adjacent to their bedroom, you need to do that. If you've done literally everything you possibly can and it's still happening, then maybe it's no one's fault at that point. But if all you're doing is shrugging it off as hopeless because both bedrooms in your house are adjacent to a bedroom in theirs, that's really not enough. Sleeping downstairs may be inconvenient, but it won't kill you.

@Waspsarearseholes I'm not sure what you are suggesting? That they shouldn't have had a baby if they were going to live in a terraced house?

Nope, that's not what I'm suggesting at all.

@mrsm43s You have misunderstood. Apart from newborn stage and rare night of teething he has not disturbed them for the first 14 months of his life. He started nursery 4 weeks ago and since then there have been a handful of times when I have left him with my husband so I can sleep.

Also we do take him downstairs/different room etc.

They shouldn't be banging. It's passive aggressive.

My neighbours have an older baby that screams a couple of times a night. Does my head in and sometimes wakes my pre-schooler. Do I bang on the walls? NO!

Just because your husband can't settle your son DOES NOT mean you should always be the one to settle him. That's not fair on you. You and your husband need to find out how your son can be settled by your husband too.

[quote Pastnowfuture]@mrsm43s You have misunderstood. Apart from newborn stage and rare night of teething he has not disturbed them for the first 14 months of his life. He started nursery 4 weeks ago and since then there have been a handful of times when I have left him with my husband so I can sleep.

Also we do take him downstairs/different room etc.[/quote]
You sound like you're doing fine. The banging is out of order

@MattDamon We do move baby downstairs/another room/away from wall. Not sure why you assumed we didn't.

What finally worked for us was having dh take over the co-sleeping while I slept in the spare room. This broke the cycle of night feeds - each baby took a different amount of time (the stubborn one took 6 nights) and responded differently, but all learned to be settled back to sleep, by Daddy, without feeding - but there was a lot of 3am cuddling, patting, shushing, rocking - dh needed to be resilent. Obviously the variables are huge so might not work for you (baby still honestly hungry at night; your dh is a neurosurgeon or bus driver or otherwise could kill someone if sleepy at work; baby is ill, etc).

Go round and explain to the neighbours that he has just started nursery and is very unsettled. Apologise and wait to see what they say. It may be the adult daughter, they may assume you're trying to get him to self-soothe, one of them may have a serious health issue. If they say it's fine, bring up the banging as it's not like a baby has an on/off switch like a TV on too loud.

Can you/your OH take the baby downstairs?

You need to speak to them, as you did in the beginning. Say that unfortunately he's going through an unsettled stage and you're doing all you can. It might be the daughter, it might be them.
Babies cry.
That's not the people who live next door's responsibility. Your baby has the right to have a good bawl and your neighbours have the right not to be disturbed at 3am. There's no rights and wrongs because nobody is wrong, and you're both right. But you do need to bite the bullet and speak to them before there's a fall out.

Sorry, I just read that you do take him downstairs.

I have a solution. Buy them a nice box of chocolates and a box of these (they're brilliant and will block out so much more than most ear plugs) -

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/353530944333?hash=item5250161b4d:g:bRcAAOSwva9gt1Vw

God send.

You let him stay latched on during the night? Ouch!
Agree with those saying you need a better night time routine. Crying loudly for 30mins at 3am on a ‘regular’ basis is annoying. I know you said it’s not that often but think about how many times the neighbours wanted to bang on the wall before they resorted to it. Especially if they are ‘lovely’.

[quote Pastnowfuture]@mrsm43s You have misunderstood. Apart from newborn stage and rare night of teething he has not disturbed them for the first 14 months of his life. He started nursery 4 weeks ago and since then there have been a handful of times when I have left him with my husband so I can sleep.

Also we do take him downstairs/different room etc.[/quote]
Right. But he is now disturbing the neighbours. What is your plan for ensuring that the disruption to the neighbours now and in the future is minimised?

Soundproofing is easy and relatively cheap. Just batons and sound proof plasterboard on your side of the adjoining wall.

For anyone who doesn't want to click on links, I recommended -

3M E-A-R Classic Uncorded Disposable Ear Plugs

My neighbour who decided to supplement a crying toddler with a crying baby have just moved. and good riddance. They'd bring the crying baby into the front room (thin wall adjoining my bedroom, so as not to disturb a sleeping toddler and partner in their own flat!) (Thanks so much, neighbours!) Yes, I banged the wall. I had months of it. I was on my knees. I didn't have a baby, they did; but it could have been in the room with me. As a keyworker, I was dead on my feet. You are so, so lucky, as are your neighbour, to have the option to take the baby downstairs. For everyone's health - metal and physical - either you or your partner please take the baby downstairs. Crying I could have tolerated, but not crying right at my head. Absolute nightmare.

@TheWeatherWitch

I think I’d bang back next time, twice as hard, twice as loud and for twice as long! Are they stupid enough to think you’re not doing everything in your power to console your ds?

Ask them outright if they know something you don’t, because if they know how to stop a tot from crying they need to share that shit!

You’re already under enough pressure from your poorly child, neighbours banging on the wall are not helping in anyway, just adding to your stress!

Yes this. Banging on the wall is utterly pointless. It's just horrible. They need to speak to you rather than sit bashing the wall like idiots.

I lived next door to a family with 2 small boys who used to wake up every morning wailing, no idea why, just wailing. I'm sure me bashing on the wall wouldn't have done much. I just used to think thank God they're not mine. (Pre kids). 🤣

To be honest, it sounds frustrating for all parties involved and I can see it from both sides.

My previous house was a semi detached and our neighbours had a baby. We regularly got woken up but never said anything as it must have been harder in the parents. It was frustrating though when you had work the next day.

We now have a nine month old and fortunately live in a detached house and so don’t need to worry about the neighbours. However…I think some posters are being very harsh on the OP. If the baby is in nursery, she is clearly back at work and that requires sleep! It very quickly becomes difficult to function if you are not sleeping properly. Dad is taking just leaving him to cry for thirty mins…he is comforting him, it just takes longer than if mum was settling him.

OP…even though it might tire you both out for a few nights… could you try both settling him with you gradually removing yourself from the situation earlier and earlier each time until it is just dad.

We introduced a dummy around this point as had same issues with dh settling. One of the old fashioned cherry style

I know everyone says "Babies cry" and it is true,
But at 15 months he is not a newborn baby anymore, I think the neighbours were supporting during the newborn phase and now they are "WTF, he is not a baby anymore, will this ever end"

Not saying that it is wrong that he is crying, but try to look at their perspective, you say they have an adult daughter, they might have forgotten how it is.

@mrsm43s…. Err I thought the whole point of this thread is the OP asking for suggestions on how to handle it?

So what are YOUR suggestions that the OP hasn’t tried yet? I’m curious.

[quote Pastnowfuture]@mrsm43s You have misunderstood. Apart from newborn stage and rare night of teething he has not disturbed them for the first 14 months of his life. He started nursery 4 weeks ago and since then there have been a handful of times when I have left him with my husband so I can sleep.

Also we do take him downstairs/different room etc.[/quote]
They need to get a life then.

[quote IsItWorthTheHassle]@mrsm43s…. Err I thought the whole point of this thread is the OP asking for suggestions on how to handle it?

So what are YOUR suggestions that the OP hasn’t tried yet? I’m curious.[/quote]
Soundproofing the adjoining wall, as I've said twice.

The neighbours need to buy some earplugs and stop being aggressive. I can only assume that they’ve moved rooms with their daughter and she’s doing the banging and doesn’t know better. I would never hang on the wall.

I’m tempted to suggest you go over with wine and ear plugs and tell them you know it’s noisy but you have heard banging on the walls a few times now and it stresses everyone out even more. I wouldn’t apologise though, babies make noise.

Some really nasty, mother-blaming comments on here. For a start, OP sounds like she's back at work too now, if her 15 month old baby (BABY not a child, 15 m is a baby ffs) is at nursery. So why does this fall squarely on her shoulders? And how on earth would the neighbours know that the baby settles for her, but not for her husband??

As someone who's volunteered at a baby feeding and general care drop-in charity for over ten years, I'd say that a) this is just about par for the course, b) babies are often very unsettled for a while after they start some sort of daycare so it's to be expected, c) finding a 'more workable situation' is a dickish thing to say. The OP is already cosleeing and breastfeeding her baby through the night. eg she is already FT parenting the baby all night, she explicitly said her DH only takes the baby when she's absolutely desperate for sleep. And when that happens, the baby isn't being 'left to cry' or 'let to cry' for 30 mins (jeez, 30 minutes - it's not hours and hours), the baby is being parented and loved and consoled by his other parent, the father. Or is the baby 100% the mother's responsibility at all times of the day and the night?

OP, I think your neighbours are being dicks. Who the feck bangs on the wall at a crying baby?? If they have a problem and are too short-sighted to realise that this is what most babies do at some point and that it will pass then they need to communicate with you like the adults I assume they are. For instance, dropping an articulate note through the door, or knocking on your door at a decent time of day. They've been so tolerant until now, so why wouldn't they be now?

(I bet it's their daughter! Hope she eventually has a crying baby herself, and then realises what a cow she was being.)