Lovely neighbour banging on wall

[Pastnowfuture]

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

@Pastnowfuture

Thanks everyone. I don't think it is the daughter (who is in her 30s) as it's not coming from her bedroom. She is lovely too.

My husband is cuddling, soothing my little boy not just leaving him to cry. He doesn't stay in the bedroom he takes him downstairs or walks along the hall but it's a small house so I imagine they still hear.

I appreciate people saying I should settle baby myself and I do 99.99 times out of a hundred but he's been waking loads at night for 4 weeks now. I work and we have no one who can look after him so occassionally I do need to get an hour of sleep just to keep functioning. When I settle him it's not a 5 minute and done job. He stays latched on so I'm awake all night pretty much. I already feel like the worst mum in the world. If you feel I'm being unreasonable for being upset at the neighbours banging that's fine, if you feel sorry for the neighbours that's fine but please don't shame me with your "poor baby" comments.

OP they are utter morons PLEASE ignore them

It sounds very frustrating for all involved. The problem is, a 15 month old is a toddler and they are actually much louder than little babies. I lived in a flat once and my next door neighbour's had a baby and she was an awful sleeper. I'll be honest it was awful, I was getting woken up SO much every night. I know people say 'why live in an area with neighbours then' but I couldn't afford to live elsewhere. I was skint! I never said anything to them and I would never dream of banging on the wall, I work with babies and toddlers so I understand a little. But I won't pretend it didn't annoy me every night. Especially because I'd get up for work feeling sleep deprived myself despite having no children of my own! She improved slightly as she got older but still woke a few times past 2, then I moved. I think you need to speak to them and say you are working on it and try to come up with a solution to help everyone get better sleep.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Honestly I think yabu. No wonder they bang. I'd be reporting to social services if a baby was repeatedly left screaming for 30 mins at 3 am every night. From their perspective he is just being left, they don't know your DH is with him.

You need to find another solution. You signed up for no sleep when you chose to have kids, they didn't. They presumably need to work too and it's not fair that someone else's child keeps them awake half the night. If you can't manage night waking and work, that's your problem.

Oh shut up.

OP you are doing all the right things, please don't doubt yourself! I would text apologising for the noise and saying DS has been poorly lately, you're hoping things are quieter soon.

You need to go downstairs if the baby is crying loudly enough to be waking your neighbours.

The banging would suggest that they're really pissed off.

The room he is in was our bedroom so he has always slept in that room and we still have a double bed in it for cosleeping. Rather than move him out into another room we moved into a new room when we felt he was ready. He was sleeping until 3am then he would wake for a feed and we would co sleep in the spare double. This was all great until he started nursery and stopped sleeping. Now I'm in with him all night.

Before he started nursery we were thinking about starting night weaning but didn't want to change lots of things at once for him. Now I don't see how we can. It's a comfort to him and he obviously needs comfort right now. Plus it would result in lots of night time crying so I'm afraid of disturbing neighbours even more.

When my husband takes him at night I'm exhausted and literally passing out with tiredness. I put earplugs in. It's happened a handful of times over last 4 weeks- maybe once a week. I can't hear anything with the earplugs in. He's not screaming or anything it's just that at night time any crying sounds really loud.

Your dh is doing his very best, and so are you. The more dh takes over at night, the more used to it the baby will become, and things will calm down. Try working your way to a more 50/50 arrangement with dh settling - you settling 99/100 only makes it harder for dh to take over.

My bf babies also had to learn to settle with Dad. It took time, but it worked. And the result was that everyone got to sleep - enough.

You could ignore the neighbours and their banging, or you could speak to the neighbours. Do it when you have had some sleep and can muster a bit of patience. Just assure them that you and dh are trying your best to settle the baby to sleep - they may be think you are leaving the baby to cry it out or somehow sleeping through it yourselves. (As if!)

Good luck and I hope you are all getting more sleep soon.

I’ve been in this situation myself years ago. I moved into a terraced house when I was pregnant with DC2 so already had a toddler. They were lovely to begin with and sent us a card and chocolates when she was born, we reciprocated to apologise for any noise just as you have done and they said it was fine, they couldn’t hear anything at all and couldn’t believe how quiet she was. Fast forward a few months and they didn’t just bang on the walls, they would also start drilling at times which just made her cry more . There’s no way they had to drill at those precise times, they’d just start when she started crying then stop when she stopped… It was always during the day so not disturbing sleep or anything. We moved out a few months after that, it caused a lot of bad blood between us and I couldn’t be bothered with the stress. I thought they were really weird tbh, it was just the fact they’d been so nice to begin with then suddenly turned sour.

I’d have a quick word with them and ask why they’re banging. Explain that he’s been sick a lot hence him waking up and you’re doing all you can but the banging doesn’t really help. It’s just a bit twattish of them really. Terraced houses do tend to have paper thin walls so if you live in one you naturally have to expect noise.

Some of these replies are daft. Social services? They would not be interested in a baby crying for half an hour in the night.
And getting dressed and taking the baby round there in the middle of the night? What?!

You sound lovely and exhausted,your neighbours ditto.
Go round and explain he's unwell and you are doing what you can to minimise the noise.
One people know why something is happening they can cope better.
I hope your ds is sleeping soundly all night soon...and you are too.💐

Just chat to them, apologise and tell them he’s been ill.

Don’t ignore it.

Or send them a card and flowers again.

I would definitely talk to the neighbours, so they understand you’re trying everything you can and you are worried about waking them.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

It's not every night. Last night was the first time in 10 nights that I left him with his dad so I could sleep. He wakes a few times every night but there is minimal crying/moaning. He keeps me awake all night but certainly not the neighbours. My husband usually has no idea when he's had a rough night as I settle him immediately. He's content in my arms but I can't sleep like that.

You definitely need to be working towards stopping breastfeeding him in the night . A toddler does not need to be doing this .

@farwest Thank you. I think you are right that he needs to get more used to dad settling him. I'm kind of frightened to try now though as I know he will cry more at least to begin with.

It's all very well saying that people in terraced houses should expect noise but not everybody can afford to live in a detached house, it's such an ignorant comment to suggest the neighbours should move if they prefer to get a full nights' sleep. Really pathetic.
It doesn't actually matter what the noise is. People are usually a bit more tolerant of a baby's cries than a yapping dog/loud music/cars revving but it's actually irrelevant, it's still a noise loud enough to keep the neighbours awake. Who knows what effect that has on them and their lives? The parents are not the only people who matter. As I've said before, they knew having a baby would result in sleepless nights. The neighbours don't have a baby at the moment. These 'I've got a baby don't you know, you need to put up with whatever noise we make and don't you dare be annoyed about it' comments are alarming.

Perhaps take him downstairs.

I think this is a case of “neither party is being unreasonable”. I’m sure you are lovely people for your neighbours to have made such an effort in past, equally I think they are STILL the same lovely people you know, but simply frustrated to be disturbed at night. Like you said yourself in last post OP, noise does sound a lot stronger at night.
I’ve been on both sides of this coin and it’s hell for both. I would drop them another card and token present and say you are trying everything you can. Explain exactly what you did here, your LO is going through a stage and while you are happy to soothe him 99% of the time, sometimes you are utterly exhausted and dad has to step in.
I’m not judging you Op - our next door neighbour moved due to my daughter’s noise at night and that’s with me co sleeping and literally breastfeeding her the second she started making noise. I walked around in a cloud of exhaustion constantly (had a 3 year old too so definitely no chance of napping in the day). I completely get your side of it as well. Be very thankful your neighbours are so so lovely - they still are, they’re just utterly exhausted, same as you.
Good luck and hope this stage ends soon.

@Pastnowfuture

Thanks everyone. I don't think it is the daughter (who is in her 30s) as it's not coming from her bedroom. She is lovely too.

My husband is cuddling, soothing my little boy not just leaving him to cry. He doesn't stay in the bedroom he takes him downstairs or walks along the hall but it's a small house so I imagine they still hear.

I appreciate people saying I should settle baby myself and I do 99.99 times out of a hundred but he's been waking loads at night for 4 weeks now. I work and we have no one who can look after him so occassionally I do need to get an hour of sleep just to keep functioning. When I settle him it's not a 5 minute and done job. He stays latched on so I'm awake all night pretty much. I already feel like the worst mum in the world. If you feel I'm being unreasonable for being upset at the neighbours banging that's fine, if you feel sorry for the neighbours that's fine but please don't shame me with your "poor baby" comments.

Have you tried him with a dummy?

This is a really tough one. I work shifts and, on occasion have to get up before 0430, so I’ll go to bed and sleep at around 8/8:30. I couldn’t cope with being woken up an hour before I had to get up and thus being exhausted and unsafe to drive. I can’t use earplugs as I won’t hear my alarm.

I don’t think either of you are BU really.

Have you considered sound proofing your joining wall?
However hard this is for you (and I get that it is) it is simply not reasonable for your child to repeatedly wake your neighbours at night. It is your responsibility to find a solution to this, rather than expecting the neighbours to just put up with it.

As an interim solution, I would go and apologise to the neighbours and take round a bottle of wine/flowers as you did before. And then outline to them your plan for minimising the disturbance to them going forward. If they know that you are aware, and trying to find a solution, they will probably be a lot more understanding.

@Waspsarearseholes I'm not sure what you are suggesting? That they shouldn't have had a baby if they were going to live in a terraced house?

I lived in a terraced house and we had 2 problems. The husband snored LOUDLY and their young children got up and started making a noise at 6am most mornings. Even downstairs I could hear them. So I should have banged on the door through the night to the snorer each time I woke by his big grunts and then bang again in the mornings? The kids weren't screaming but in a terraced house you hear everything! So we got ourselves some earplugs and a white noise machine and got to it as realised there's not much our neighbours can do.

OPs DH is taking the baby downstairs and moving him around the house to try and minimise the noise. Short of her not sleeping and potentially affecting her work, what more can she do? She has also said that those times of real crying are rare.