Lovely neighbour banging on wall

[Pastnowfuture]

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

@Winemewhynot

Aw if the baby is sobbing for you and not settling for DH you should take over! Poor baby and poor neighbours, if you can quickly settle him why would you not

Because maybe she is absolutely exhausted and her Dh is trying to give her a break

I had this with my middle one and its absolutely awful when the baby will only settle with one parent!

OP I'd actually go round d and speak to them about the wall banging - it might be the daughter but it needs raising and not ignoring.

Aw if you’re on good terms with them I would just keep this up. Go round for a chat with the woman, explain and apologise, you could even say we’re so sorry, we heard you knocking. Sounds like she knows the score as a mum, but it could be her partner or daughter just getting frustrated in the night?

@BradPittsLeftTit

I'm wondering who those posters are voting YABU

And lots of comments about OP 'leaving the baby to cry for 30 mins'. The baby is in the fathers arms and being comforted. They just want mummy. And presumably if the baby is at nursery, then mum is back at work.

So what is she supposed to do? NEVER let her DH step in because of the neighbours? Be constantly sleep deprived? Then how will he learn to be comforted by his Dad.

I think the chastising for leaving him to cry is uncalled for and YANBU to be upset by the banging. I do agree that on those occasions, perhaps your DH could take him downstairs to try and calm him down.

OP, I'm 4 months on from where you are. Lockdown baby who hasn't been exposed to any germs and suddenly gets EVERYTHING at nursery. It does taper off, I promise! Calpol, baby ibruprofen for those instances, snufflebabe on feet, chest, calpol vapour plug in, vapour baths: if he won't take medicine, add it to a little yoghurt or ice cream and use a spoon.

Good luck!

Totally this. FFS people are so judgemental of mothers.

I'm quite shocked by some of the suggestions that your neighbours are being unreasonable. OP is not the only one who matters, here. When you have a baby you sign up to sleepless nights, it's part of the deal. It's not fair to sign your neighbours up to that too, however. Their sleep matters too. Being woken at 3am every morning will result in a huge sleep deficit and it's not easy to make that up. They probably have work, too, and deserve a restful nights' sleep. Half an hour of crying is awful and it can be extremely difficult to go back to sleep, after say five hours of sleep and being kept awake for half an hour.
Their banging isn't making more noise than you are and you're already awake anyway! You say it's stressing you out. Ok, well what is the sound of your baby crying doing to them, or doesn't that matter?
Take the baby to the room furthest away from the shared wall when he cries at night and return him to bed when he's settled. It might not be the most convenient thing for you, but nor is being repeatedly woken up at 3am for your neighbours.

I find some responses a bit shocking, tbh. If your neighbours are genuinely normally lovely then going round to chat about the banging would seem the next step.

It could be any number of reasons and probably easier resolved with a chat than just banging back or turning up on their doorstep at 3am with a crying baby.

Whilst it can’t be helped I do think you should be trying to minimise the disruption for your neighbours.

Your husband should take the baby downstairs to settle if it’s taking as long as half an hour.

@RealBecca

Id go round the next time it happens in the middle of the night with baby in your arms.

Might give the human image of having kids. Suspect they will be too ashamed to open door and will stop banging. If theu do answer say

"Hi i heard a banging and just wanted to check you were ok as we don't normally hear that so were a bit concerned."

I reckin they will be too ashamed to answer or do it again.

What have the neighbours done to feel shame about?

Being woken at 3am every morning

Must have missed this bit???? OP says he usually settles straight away and cuddles with her but on 'a few occasions' she needs her sleep and so DH steps in where baby is not as easily comforted. The sensible suggestions are that he take baby downstairs, agreed.

Sorry but terraced house, new baby, they are going to hear some crying at points

For 15 months your neighbours have had disturbed sleep because of your baby, and you are still letting the baby cry and not doing anything to mitigate the noise? Letting the baby cry for 30 minutes in the middle of the night? Not taking the baby downstairs to minimise the disruption? Not having mum settle the baby if this means he will quieten down quicker?

I get it is hard. But you are being very unreasonable and you need to find a way to ensure your child does not constantly wake the neighbours. This is your problem to solve. After 15 months, they have the right to want to sleep undisturbed.

my kids woudl only settle with me.

After a while we realised that this was not sustainable.
So we actively changed it.
What we did was that dh did bedtime every other night. At first I left the house, so that there was no choice, mummy wasn't there.
After a few weeks, we just had to say, no it's daddy's turn, and they went to bed with daddy.

It wasn't easy, took maybe 2 months, but in the end it meant that they went down, at bedtime, or in the middle of the night with either of us. They learnt that daddy can comfort as well as mummy.

We did this when they were quite little.

It does mean you can't bf to sleep though, but at 15 months I'd be looking to change that anyway.

I am confused, is he still sleeping in with you ? As you talk about his room.
If he is now in his own room maybe having him back in with you would help, he can cuddle in and calm down.
Personally I can’t sleep through the noise of a sobbing toddler so would find it faster and easier to deal take my toddler and cuddle them back to sleep, half an hour is a long time for full on crying, surely you don’t sleep through this either ? Would he feed back to sleep ? Nursery is a big shift so he may really need the security of being comforted by you if he wakes. I had a child who didn’t sleep through until she was four, so I know how exhausting it all is, and the desperation for sleep, but this lengthy crying might mean you get less sleep overall as he is more unsettled generally ?

Thanks everyone. I don't think it is the daughter (who is in her 30s) as it's not coming from her bedroom. She is lovely too.

My husband is cuddling, soothing my little boy not just leaving him to cry. He doesn't stay in the bedroom he takes him downstairs or walks along the hall but it's a small house so I imagine they still hear.

I appreciate people saying I should settle baby myself and I do 99.99 times out of a hundred but he's been waking loads at night for 4 weeks now. I work and we have no one who can look after him so occassionally I do need to get an hour of sleep just to keep functioning. When I settle him it's not a 5 minute and done job. He stays latched on so I'm awake all night pretty much. I already feel like the worst mum in the world. If you feel I'm being unreasonable for being upset at the neighbours banging that's fine, if you feel sorry for the neighbours that's fine but please don't shame me with your "poor baby" comments.

@mrsm43s Nope, not even remotely right. Maybe read the OP?

You need to pop over and talk to them. Since it's always been pleasant between you all, you need to bring it up before it escalates. It must be frustrating for them to be woken at 3am every night but banging is so aggressive, there's really no need for that. I can see why it's making you anxious too.

We live in a semi and our joint neighbours have a new baby we hear cry. We have a toddler who cries. I wouldn't dream of banging.

I feel like if you buy a joining house, you have to accept that at times there will be noise.

If it's the adult daughter, i'm sure she can move out if its that much of an issue.

How would you know they haven't changed bedrooms?

OP from your update, there isn't much more you can do and I agree wholeheartedly with the 'poor baby' comments being completely uncalled for.

I remember that time well and believe me it does get easier

You are ABSOLUTELY not UR to want to get some sleep in order to work. Those suggesting you sacrifice yourself for the sake of your neighbour's OCCASIONAL disrupted night are batshit

@BradPittsLeftTit

Being woken at 3am every morning

Must have missed this bit???? OP says he usually settles straight away and cuddles with her but on 'a few occasions' she needs her sleep and so DH steps in where baby is not as easily comforted. The sensible suggestions are that he take baby downstairs, agreed.

Sorry but terraced house, new baby, they are going to hear some crying at points

It is not a new baby. As I recall the son is 15 months old being woken at 3 am (as I am sure the OP knows) makes it very difficult to get back to sleep Frankly I am slightly appalled at some of the posters here who advocate banging the wall back in retaliation.

@User135792468

Your neighbours sound like nice people and have been very understanding. If you baby will only settle with you then don’t leave him to sob with your husband for half an hour in the middle of the night. That isn’t fair to anyone at all. You need to come up with a system where you can catch up with sleep either in the morning/ evening when your husband is still awake or in the day. I’ve had two absolute awful sleepers myself (recently too so I haven’t forgotten) but what you’re doing isn’t working. Your neighbours aren’t being aggressive, they’re just letting you know that whilst it hasn’t been an issue until now, the baby is waking them at 3am for half an hour which isn’t really fair if it can be helped at all. In some cases it can’t, but in your case, I feel like something can be done.

This comment upsets me

It shouldn't all be on her. The OP said it's only when she is "desperate" for sleep.

You're wrong. She isn't doing anything wrong. Your whole comment should be put in the bin.

NOT HELPFUL.

@Bimblybomeyelash

Sorry but I don’t think it’s ok to leave a baby to cry for half an hour in the middle of the night if it can be heard by neighbours. My children were both horrific sleepers and woke frequently, but in the times that they were unable to be quickly Consoled I would take them Downstairs as I was conscious of trying to minimise disturbing the neighbours. Yes children wake Up and cry, that is life, and it’s unavoidable that neighbours will hear. But there is a big difference between a few minutes and 30 minutes.

Baby was with his dad, so the OP didn't leave the baby to cry then did she?

My dd didn't wake up during the night but every night at bedtime, for what felt like forever, she would scream and cry and sob. I was with her or my husband was - sometimes both of us. We would take her to another room, downstairs but she screamed. You took her to bed earlier she screamed, you took her to bed late she screamed, she was just one of those kids that did that no matter who was with her or whatever we did.

It will pass. Your neighbours will just need to deal with it but explain to them what's going on.

Maybe they're banging because they don't think you hear him waking up?

@TheWeatherWitch

I think I’d bang back next time, twice as hard, twice as loud and for twice as long! Are they stupid enough to think you’re not doing everything in your power to console your ds?

Ask them outright if they know something you don’t, because if they know how to stop a tot from crying they need to share that shit!

You’re already under enough pressure from your poorly child, neighbours banging on the wall are not helping in anyway, just adding to your stress!

Totally agree with this.

Jesus Christ some of these comments. Some of you have obviously forgotten how horrible this is.

They live in a terrace house, if they don't like the noise of a poorly baby crying then they need to move to a detached house.

@bunnybuggs I'm not clear on the point you are making?

I was responded to the poster who had written their own narrative that the neighbours had been woken up 'every morning at 3am' and 'after 15 months of disturbed sleep' they deserved some sleep.

I was pointing out this is not the case and until recently, the neighbours had said they hadn't heard anything. The baby has only been ill on and off for 4 months and only on a 'few occasions' has OP had to sleep and the baby has cried with her DH.

No, it's not a new baby but complaint (banging) is new in the last fortnight

I am generally an understanding person where noise is concerned but sometimes particularly in the night when you are exhausted it just becomes too much.