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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lovely neighbour banging on wall

324 replies

Pastnowfuture · 24/08/2021 07:53

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

OP posts:

SecondStarFromTheRight · 24/08/2021 10:16

If you can stop night feeding then you might be able to stop the wakes completely. There is a bank holiday weekend coming up. I'd suggest if you and your DH both have this time off, you use it to your advantage. Get a load of pre-prepared meals in, make any plans you have flexible to be cancelled last minute if you're tired, buy fantastic earplugs. Then Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun night, your DH deals with any night wakes and naps in the day. You will shower your DS with affection in the day so he knows you're still there and available. There might be a few more wakes and tears before it gets better. You could warn your neighbours that you're doing this to tackle the issue.

BeauxRingarde · 24/08/2021 10:16

When I settle him it's not a 5 minute and done job. He stays latched on so I'm awake all night pretty much

I think this is your real problem...I had much the same and that's when I realised it was time to stop breastfeeding. He's 15 months, he shouldn't be latched on all night like a newborn, its not good for anyone.

GlomOfNit · 24/08/2021 10:21

SecondStar Why on earth should the OP stop night feeding?? Why is that anyone else's business? A lot of mothers who've been breastfeeding really like to be able to continue that contact at night if they go back to work, so they're able to continue that close bond/continue mothering their baby in the most familiar way to the baby. 15 months isn't 'old' for breastfeeding but I'm sure you know this really.

OP, cosleeing and breastfeeding isn't a habit you 'have' to break. It's a lovely thing to do if it works for you and allows you and your DH more sleep, and it's great for your baby too - it's the way they're hardwired, and have evolved to need. Your baby will soon adjust to going to nursery and I'm sure will settle better at night. If you'd dropped into the baby feeding/care charity I volunteer for, I'd say you were doing exactly the right things, and that he'll soon settle at nights as he gets used to the big change in his routine. Please don't listen to anyone who tells you you're doing something wrong.

Original poster

Pastnowfuture · 24/08/2021 10:22

We've tried a dummy but he won't take it.

I am so nervous about approaching them but I guess I have little choice. I wish they had just said something and we could have explained what's going on with nursery/illness etc. It feels so tense and uncomfortable now.

OP posts:

scarpa · 24/08/2021 10:22

This made me panic as our terraced neighbours also have a baby that cries a lot and we always try and reassure them it's fine, but I also have insomnia and I'd hate to think they thought me bumbling around at night was me banging on the wall!

I'd say nothing, in your case. If they want to speak to you, they can, but what do they expect - sound travels in terraced houses and babies cry and regardless, what is banging on the wall going to do? I sympathise with them, nobody wants to hear babies crying in the middle of the night and especially if it's not your own, but it's just a part of life and literally unavoidable, unless you tried to expensively soundproof your house which is really hard to do effectively.

tegannotsovegan · 24/08/2021 10:23

@Bimblybomeyelash

Sorry but I don’t think it’s ok to leave a baby to cry for half an hour in the middle of the night if it can be heard by neighbours. My children were both horrific sleepers and woke frequently, but in the times that they were unable to be quickly Consoled I would take them Downstairs as I was conscious of trying to minimise disturbing the neighbours. Yes children wake Up and cry, that is life, and it’s unavoidable that neighbours will hear. But there is a big difference between a few minutes and 30 minutes.

@Bimblybomeyelash

They’re not exactly “leaving him to cry”. Babies cry, and yes it sucks for everyone involved but it’s not like they’re ignoring their baby and letting him CIO. They’re actively trying to settle their baby - that’s the difference, I think. It probably sucks more for the parents of the child than the neighbours (this is coming from someone whose son would cry for literally the entire day as an infant and couldn’t be consoled at all)

RedToothBrush · 24/08/2021 10:24

'Lovely neighbour' in 'lovely neighbour isn't lovely shock'.

Ignore. Treat accordingly.

Nowt else you can do.

tegannotsovegan · 24/08/2021 10:27

@GlomOfNit

Some really nasty, mother-blaming comments on here.

For a start, OP sounds like she's back at work too now, if her 15 month old baby (BABY not a child, 15 m is a baby ffs) is at nursery. So why does this fall squarely on her shoulders? And how on earth would the neighbours know that the baby settles for her, but not for her husband??

As someone who's volunteered at a baby feeding and general care drop-in charity for over ten years, I'd say that a) this is just about par for the course, b) babies are often very unsettled for a while after they start some sort of daycare so it's to be expected, c) finding a 'more workable situation' is a dickish thing to say. The OP is already cosleeing and breastfeeding her baby through the night. eg she is already FT parenting the baby all night, she explicitly said her DH only takes the baby when she's absolutely desperate for sleep. And when that happens, the baby isn't being 'left to cry' or 'let to cry' for 30 mins (jeez, 30 minutes - it's not hours and hours), the baby is being parented and loved and consoled by his other parent, the father. Or is the baby 100% the mother's responsibility at all times of the day and the night?

OP, I think your neighbours are being dicks. Who the feck bangs on the wall at a crying baby?? If they have a problem and are too short-sighted to realise that this is what most babies do at some point and that it will pass then they need to communicate with you like the adults I assume they are. For instance, dropping an articulate note through the door, or knocking on your door at a decent time of day. They've been so tolerant until now, so why wouldn't they be now?

(I bet it's their daughter! Hope she eventually has a crying baby herself, and then realises what a cow she was being.)

@GlomOfNit

This comment is everything! I love it.

Heliachi · 24/08/2021 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster

Pastnowfuture · 24/08/2021 10:28

Thank you everyone. I am honestly trying my best. I feel so low right now but will approach them in a kind and friendly way when I'm less emotional.

OP posts:

Okbutnotgreat · 24/08/2021 10:30

If they are banging at 9pm I think one of you should go round and ask why. That’s not very late and them banging is the only unreasonable thing about it. It doesn’t sound as though your DS is being that bad or that you’re not doing your best to mitigate it. Banging on the wall is passive aggressive and not something lovely neighbours would do imo.

Muma1992 · 24/08/2021 10:30

@Pastnowfuture

We've tried a dummy but he won't take it.

Please point out that them banging on the wall does not help settle a crying baby at 3am.

Geamhradh · 24/08/2021 10:34

@Okbutnotgreat

The OP said 3am.

SwimmingwiththeFishes · 24/08/2021 10:37

@Geamhradh From the OP I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm

They have also banged in the evening, not just overnight

LookItsMeAgain · 24/08/2021 10:38

@languagelover96

Perhaps take him downstairs.

Have you actually read the OP's posts???

Geamhradh · 24/08/2021 10:45

[quote SwimmingwiththeFishes]**@Geamhradh* From the OP I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm*

They have also banged in the evening, not just overnight [/quote]
"In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall."

Yes, they're clearly getting desperate.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/08/2021 10:45

It sounds as if OP is doing everything she can.
It probably would be sensible to speak to the neighbours and just tell them that you're sorry about the noise, baby is sleeping well, you're doing your best to get him back to sleep as quickly as possible, please rest assured you are not leaving him to cry but that sometimes nothing works.
If they know that you are not just failing to attend to a screaming baby, they are less likely to be annoyed .
Hopefully this will pass soon, it's bad enough trying to deal with an inconsolable baby when you are exhausted, without having to feel guilty about the neighbours too.
It's very clear you are doing your best here 💐

Debetswell · 24/08/2021 10:47

Please point out that them banging on the wall does not help settle a crying baby at 3am.

This^^

Babys cry.
Have a conversation with your ndn.
Our baby is going through an unsettled period.
We appreciate there is sometimes prolonged crying which is disturbing both you and us.
We can only apologise and hope for all our sakes it won't go on too long.

No one is at fault.
It's life.
Normal neighbours would be very glad it wasn't their baby to deal with.

FatCatThinCat · 24/08/2021 10:48

I wonder what they think banging on the wall will achieve. Surely common sense would tell you that it will only cause anxiety for the parent, which the baby will pick up on and will then be even harder to settle.

Or do they think there's some 'how to soothe a baby' skill that parents are only able to employ once the neighbours bang on the wall. That the parents are happy to be up at 3.00am and aren't already doing everything they possibly can.

Fernando072020 · 24/08/2021 10:50

Having read your updates, I actually feel less sympathy for your neighbours. It sounds like your son has barely disturbed them at all in his 15 months apart from "normal baby times". Of course, his sleep is going to be disturbed now, starting nursery is a big deal to them and a big change. My little one is 13 months old and it would also be stressful to night wean him at the moment and he's not even at nursery, so don't feel pressured about it.

I would just explain to your neighbours that your little boy has started nursery, that's why he's waking in the night and you don't appreciate the banging. I mean, how do they know that's not making him more distressed?

Anyway, hope you can get it sorted, op.

MiddleParking · 24/08/2021 10:51

I can’t believe people are suggesting giving someone a present in response to them banging on your wall at 3am

fruitbrewhaha · 24/08/2021 10:52

Don't beat yourself up OP. It's awful not sleeping. Just apologise when you see them.

Original poster

Pastnowfuture · 24/08/2021 10:56

Last night it was 3am. Another time it was 9pm. I was getting something to eat so my husband went to him. I thought my husband must have been mistaken when he said the neighbour banged. They were downstairs watching TV later as we could hear them chatting so not trying to sleep. However they've banged 3 times since then and it's definitely banging. Twice in one night at about 10pm and 11.30pm and then once last night at 3am.

OP posts:

RandomDent · 24/08/2021 10:58

OP please don’t feel down. It’ll be worse when your child is older and has his mates round playing shite music.
glares at former neighbours
But seriously, what does wall banging actually achieve? I’d be tempted to knock back, in the same pattern like a call and response exercise, but my second barely slept for the first two years so I’d kind of lost the will 😂

Original poster

Pastnowfuture · 24/08/2021 11:00

@Heliachi He's not a huge eater but he actually eats more at nursery than at home. He breastfeeds and is offered milk in bottle during the night. He only wants the breast milk but I don't actually think he's hungry, it's just for comfort.

OP posts:

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