Lovely neighbour banging on wall

[Pastnowfuture]

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

I absolutely sympathise with you @Pastnowfuture, I’ve been where you are but without the ‘lovely’ neighbours.

Ds went through a phase of night terrors AND tantrums. It was a very stressful time and one we (luckily) got the HV involved with.

NDN used to turn their tv up REALLY loud, bang kitchen doors loudly and bang on the wall, if DS was screaming. Dealing with a toddler having huge tantrums is stressful at the best of times but it increases to epic proportions when you have difficult neighbours.

We live in a semi but with paper thin walls, so noise will always travel. Could hear them having sex, snoring, microwave being turned on etc!

So, I absolutely understand your stress levels right now and do sympathise.

Hopefully now you’ve talked to them they’ll stop banging on the wall as that really helps no one! Your baby isn’t suddenly going to stop crying because the NDN demands it by banging! They’re being unreasonable!

for you

Your neighbours are being knobs. Even if they weren’t before. How on earth is bangin on the wall going to help anything? It’s fine to let him cry with your husband so you can get some sleep. You can’t live without sleep. It’s ok for him to miss you a bit, he’s still with someone he loves. Defo try to get him more used to your husband a bit more so you can share the load

Leaving a baby to cry, and then to get to sobbing is not acceptable in my opinion, its cruel and clearly distressing him.

I've been on the other side - 30 mins of listening to someone else's child scream and cry is hell!! Day and night it would go on it both broke my heart and drove me up the wall. I couldnt stand it. Even sent my kids nuts. Would wake them up, they couldn't get to sleep, sometimes couldn't even watch a movie it was so loud. When they moved on to controlled crying at bed time we ended up leaving the house! (even though mine should have been in bed) because we couldn't stand an hour of hysterical crying night after night.

I know you need sleep but your baby is missing you like hell at nursery and that is why the cry is so bad and leaving them to cry it out with your husband is not good for any one. You still won't sleep so its pointless - you might as well settle them faster yourself, your OH will be tired and feel horrible, baby will start to associate dad with mum not coming and crying plus the poor thing is cry himself to sleep. So you really have to come up with something different to settle him for everyone's happiness.

What time do you put him to bed OP? Could you straight to bed yourself then and get some sleep?
I had to do that. I missed my DH and my evening TV for a few months but I couldn't cope any other way. I would go to bed at 7:30 and feel able to get up when baby cried. (He cried at 4am for months on end then suddenly stopped)
I would have to make sure I had had my dinner, was in PJs and teeth cleaned so I could go straight to sleep when baby was asleep. I left DH to look after the other kids and clear up as he's a night owl anyway.
Sorry your baby is poorly. It feels like forever right now but he will get better.

Don't forget @Pastnowfuture your little boy will be paying your next door neighbours pensions when he grows up (taxes)!! I always told myself this whenever I felt guilty about my baby's crying annoying others.

All babies cry - it's a fact of life. I know it is annoying for your neighbours but it's part of being human to co-exist with both young and old.

The baby will grow out of crying eventually. In the mean time, you take care of yourself and try to make sure you get enough sleep.

@bemusedmoose

I've been on the other side - 30 mins of listening to someone else's child scream and cry is hell!! Day and night it would go on it both broke my heart and drove me up the wall. I couldnt stand it. Even sent my kids nuts. Would wake them up, they couldn't get to sleep, sometimes couldn't even watch a movie it was so loud. When they moved on to controlled crying at bed time we ended up leaving the house! (even though mine should have been in bed) because we couldn't stand an hour of hysterical crying night after night.

I know you need sleep but your baby is missing you like hell at nursery and that is why the cry is so bad and leaving them to cry it out with your husband is not good for any one. You still won't sleep so its pointless - you might as well settle them faster yourself, your OH will be tired and feel horrible, baby will start to associate dad with mum not coming and crying plus the poor thing is cry himself to sleep. So you really have to come up with something different to settle him for everyone's happiness.

@bemusedmoose

Just to confirm, it is not controlled crying nor cry it out if someone is there actively holding the baby and trying to settle them. Controlled crying and cry it out is where you leave the baby to "self soothe" by themselves

Just wanted to say that you are doing a great job and you sound like a lovely Mum!

Your neighbours can't be that lovely if they think banging on the wall at 3am is an appropriate reaction to a young baby crying 🤷‍♀️ I would ignore!

Go round and apologise and then burst into exhausted tears on their doorstop and say you're trying everything etc... they'll soon shut up!

@AuntMargo

Leaving a baby to cry, and then to get to sobbing is not acceptable in my opinion, its cruel and clearly distressing him.

The baby wasn't 'left to cry'. The baby was with its father who was trying to settle it after OP was exhausted and needed some rest. Jeez, RTFT or don't bother commenting.

Apologies if it’s already been mentioned as I’ve only read your replies but I was wondering about the repeated ear infections. My son had a bad spell with tonsillitis around that age (he’s 12 now!) and I finally decided to try a probiotic after many rounds of antibiotics and even a consultation with an ENT, it sorted the infection problems immediately and we never looked back. I have no idea why the dr never suggested it previously. Anyway, maybe give it a try if you haven’t already?

@Pastnowfuture

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

Maybe it’s thier adult daughter banging

No one can demand babies and young children don't cry at night.

I go to bed much earlier than most people and am a very light sleeper.

So I use ear protectors and /or ear plugs to block out noise. People living next to crying babies can do the same to manage a temporary noise.

Please please don’t leave the baby to cry. This happened to me a few years ago I was being woken by my next door’s baby in the early hours and couldn’t get back to sleep. I became so sleep deprived I nearly lost my job and it wasn’t even my baby! I then had a baby myself and never left him to cry. He was a terrible sleeper but I always picked him up and put him in bed with me which meant he stopped crying and didn’t wake anyone else.

She has already said they don’t leave him to cry

I’m really feeling for you OP. I can’t understand anyone who would bang the walls at a crying child. I do hope things settle for you!

Where I work, the service user can display challenging behaviour so we sing to calm her down (NEVER has it been unsociable hours) but the next door neighbour bangs the wall for us to stop ( it’s not even once a week this happens) I find neighbours can be quite spiteful x

Once had weird woman ring doorbell, late at night, offering to rock child, aged about three at time, to sleep as she heard him crying. That immediately shut him up, the thought of a stranger coming in!

@Buffs

Please please don’t leave the baby to cry. This happened to me a few years ago I was being woken by my next door’s baby in the early hours and couldn’t get back to sleep. I became so sleep deprived I nearly lost my job and it wasn’t even my baby! I then had a baby myself and never left him to cry. He was a terrible sleeper but I always picked him up and put him in bed with me which meant he stopped crying and didn’t wake anyone else.

@Buffs

They have never left their baby to cry. What is OP supposed to do, never sleep because she has to be the only one to settle the baby? It's fine for the baby to cry if one of the parents are holding them and the baby isn't being left on their own. You can't stop babies from crying - all you can do is support them through it and be there for them

Oh I wish people would read ALL of the OPs posts before commenting.

OP you’re doing amazing, sorry to hear you’ve felt low.

I have twins and we lived in a flat when they were born (with no upstairs neighbour for the first year which was helpful!)

One of them would cry every night bang on 9pm, like clockwork, screaming hysterical crying. We tried everything we could possibly think of, feeding, rocking, walking around, co-sleeping, took them out in the car and drove around, went to the GP as we thought it was colic/reflux. It was distressing to watch and as the time ticked by towards 9pm I dreaded it. If we had a neighbour at the time i’d have been beside myself stressing about it and having someone bang down would have been horrible.

We got on well with all the neighbours and apologised several times but luckily none of them could hear.

You’ve spoken to your neighbours so they at least know that you’re trying, hopefully that’ll ease the tension on both sides

Some babies cry more than others! If you had one that didn’t cry as much, well done, you were lucky!

Mine had colic AND reflux, reflux wasn’t diagnosed until month THREE! This possibly had an knock on effect when he was older, who knows! This resulted in a baby AND toddler who cried a lot!

Don’t be quick to judge telling the OP not to let her baby cry!

I could be holding mine in my arms and NO amount of soothing could placate him! Unless you’ve been there you wouldn’t have a clue and you’re extremely lucky!

There’s a company-a couple of masters IMO-who offer sleep advice and counselling. They’re called Calm and Bright sleep support, check them out on Instagram. They might help to prioritise dropping the night feed, or sleeping latched, self settling etc. Sometimes it takes a gentle word of advice to sort your sleep addled brain.

Yabvvvu I have small kids who wake at night. They are never left to cry for 30 minutes that is not helping anyone. If they aren’t sleeping through it neither are you so what are you achieving except stressing everyone out especially your baby. They are probably banging cos they think you can’t hear the baby or something. Terrace or not you don’t leave babies to cry for any length of time at 3am. If you don’t want to deal with him have your partner take him out in the car or something.

OP has said she's left the thread.

Your neighbours are totally unreasonable for banging on your wall, especially when it's not even late. 3am sleepy frustration I. An understand a bit more, but seriously as they said before babies cry, there is literally not a baby alive that hasn't cried all through the night especially when ill. You're doing a great job and your neighbours are childless and haven't got a clue. Just smile and wave and please don't fee guilty.

Hope you’re ok OP. People are being knobs on here. You’re allowed to get some sleep. Put ear plugs in and let your husband settle the baby. Babies cry. Mine cried loads when they were little. And guess what, sometimes I let their dad settle them instead of me coz I was burnt out and exhausted. They love their dad and can now equally be settled by us. Much much better than having some useless dad who does jack all and has no relationship with the baby. Ignore the dickheads. And the neighbours.