Firstly, I apologise for not using many abbreviations as I'm new here, and secondly I appreciate this in mumsnet not dadsnet.
WHere do I start. We met via an online app/agency thing, exchanged messages, met, got on, got married - that the first 2 years in a sentance.
She was an accountant, who then become an FD, was earning more than me then gave up work a little under a year before our first born arrived. Absolutely no issue with that, as they have a wonderful bond and he is a great kid because of this. Three years later, and number two arrived, and she got similar amounts of love and attention. During this time, there were comments about my spending of money (and one conversation about money spent and earned before we had even met, that she resented the fact I would spend money on certain things) but thngs moved on.
She decided to start work again, but not in the same role, area or anything, but working with animals, on farms - something she has grown up with, and was a complete change of direction. Very poor pay, very long hours but she loves it.
All the while I still work, don't travel as much as I used to, which is great, but do pay 80% of my salary into a joint account that pays for everything, the other 20% pays for phone/internet/cars etc. so not much left at the end of each month.
When needed, I will help out on the farm, doing jobs, fixing things, anything that she needs, I'll stop what I'm doing and help - I don't make plans for the weekends usually, since there are too many things to do, and if she needs something, anything I may have planned gets postponed or cancelled.
We got to our 10 year anniversary, she suggested a weekend in London, watch a play/movie, take the kids, but ONLY if my credit card/bank balance would support it. So, I booked the weekend away, organised an apartment out of town so the kids could enjoy/endure a tube ride, got tickets for a show, and put it in the diary in the kitchen that is used to ensure all activities are planned/known.
She crossed it out - meaning no, we're not doing it - so I cancelled all plans, accomodation, tickets etc. To be told later that I hadn't done anything, hadn't organised etc. to which I pointed out the crossing out in the calendar - no reasonable response to that, just well, you probably can't afford it.
We argued about other odd things, an afternoon/evening after collecting the kids from school - I met a dad while collecting the kids, who told me that there were plans (I wasn't aware), and we would all be meeting at the pub, so I went there, met two other families, ordered a round of drinks, sent her a message letter her know where the kids and I were, and asked what she wanted to drink when she got there, and the reply was NO, bring them home. So, I did as requested, she then got them changed, then went out - to the pub, leaving me behind. A little later, the dad I had met came over, as he had borrowed my car for a week, and dropped it off and said - XXXX mentioned something about you having gone to the pub inspite of her....what does that mean?
Got a message later, can I take my son and his friend to cricket? Sure, take him there, but I@m really pissed off now with the odd comment, just being left out (when I got there other dads were there, but I'm not invited), anyway - roll on a few weeks..
I get negativity from her all the time - if I worked 7 days she would go mad at me - why don't I talk to HR, why do they make me do this, why the long hour, don't they care? She doesn't have those rules, and yes, she could ask for less hours and no weekends.
There is no recognition that I have sacrificed all my hobbies, sold my car, sold my 4x4, and have no friends or social life, so I am working to pay for the house as her £10/hr job doesn't quite cover any of the bills, and none of what she earns really contributes to our household costs.
Her change of lifestyle is great for her, exactly what she wants to do, and she seems happier - unless I'm in reasonable proximity - but nothing positive comes to me from her, she even told me that I don't do anything - despite every weekend being filled up with a succession of jobs inside and out, and taking care of the kids and all the dogs she has accumulated, just assumes I can do everything, but I get nothing.
We sleep in seperate rooms, which she seems more than happy about - this is because I became convinced she was having an affair, always on her phone, always messaging, never to me, never got a nice word for me, just negativity, criticism, etc. and I confronted her about it (based on having had to go through exactly the same before we met, and found out my partner had been having an affair for 3 years), so we are kind of seperated but in the same house, she even complained that the room I'm in looks more like a bedsit than just somewhere to sleep, since all my things are in there, as she had made enough comments about seeing anything of mine in the house, so I gathered all my stuff and put it in 'my room'.
So, no rules apply to her, all apply to me - she does what she wants, doesn't need to let me know, goes where she likes, and when, we will be in the living room each evening, before she goes upstairs and I go in the hell, but she's not present, as the phone is there the whole time.
I have become more and more withdrawn, less responsive, and now this is being pushed on to me as another negative - why are you so miserable all the time?? Well, I wonder - is it because I am desperately lonely? Is it because I don't know the person on the other side of this room?
I'm really proud of her, how she has completely changed her life from finance to farming, and of the stories she has from her days at work, the things she knows and can do - she's absolutely amazing, but she doesn't seem to care about me at all, no interest in my day, my feelings, thoughts, desires - none of that. There has been no intimacy in three years, nothing at all - not even holding hands or a kiss on a message..
I am so desperately lonely and unhappy, I feel utterly unappreciated (this weekend's "you don't do anything" comment really cemented that) and frankly, if it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't be here today typing this, I would have hung myself in my gym the day she told me we were separated, and she wanted the house in her name only - that very nearly killed me that day, and months of counselling has put me on a more even keel, but even now, two years later, - well, it's still in the forefront of my mind.