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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate or not?

109 replies

user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 07:19

Has anyone experienced a family member being overly touchy with their children?

An uncle by marriage always hugs my daughters and nieces weirdly close and insists on 'proper' hugs goodbye. Always freaks me out as it's on more than one occasion and in some cases when he will see them again the next day so there's really no need for it. Blood relatives don't do this with them but with him there's always this big deal hello and goodbye involving a close, long hug.

AIBU? I just feel uneasy but no proof it's untoward and I know how serious it would be to say this out loud if it's innocent so I don't know what to do.

The kids are aged 0-5.

Few things I've found odd in recent times include

  • insisting on massive hugs twice
  • actually saying out loud 'be careful where you touch I don't want to be arrested' during a hug
  • volunteering quite loudly to change one of their nappies (just find this odd that a grown man who isn't their dad would be so willing to do this when no one asked him to)
  • offering to put on their shoes if leaving the house

Writing this down I'm aware it's not all so bad but I just have a feeling. However also aware I could be overreacting a lot so just wanted thoughts

Thank you

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 23/08/2021 07:22

If your instincts are telling you there’s something wrong, then you need to listen to them. You don’t necessarily need to cut off all access, but make absolutely sure that he never has the opportunity to be alone with your children.

PeasPeasPeasAreGoodForYou · 23/08/2021 07:24

I thought all sounded innocent as I also have family who love a big hug but..

These probably made me feel uneasy;
actually saying out loud 'be careful where you touch I don't want to be arrested' during a hug- volunteering quite loudly to change one of their nappies (just find this odd that a grown man who isn't their dad would be so willing to do this when no one asked him to)

The first doesn't need an explanation but the second, I can't imagine a man in my family other than his dad and grandad who would want to change our LOs nappy.

Mothers instinct is a thing, listen to it.
But I think it would be questioned if you were to stop all meetings so I would just been making sure he's not alone with them.
I'd also be asking him to stop when he says be careful where you touch.

StayAGhost · 23/08/2021 07:25

OP
Trust your instincts
Keep your DD safe
Keep her well away from this man

Mydogisagentleman · 23/08/2021 07:25

The careful where you touch, and nappy changing offers are very odd.
Like the previous poster said, don’t leave your children alone with him

BlijEi · 23/08/2021 07:27

Hugs by themselves are not too bad, lots of people, women and men are like that. But the rest of your comments, especially the one about him joking about getting arrested, paint a horrible picture. Why would he make a comment like that if he weren't thinking about the hugs in an inappropriate way in the first place? I dont think such a horrible joke about a very young child would even occur to a normal person. Trust your instincts, always.

OldHouseDilemma · 23/08/2021 07:27

This all sounds very wrong. Trust your instincts and protect your children. I would start telling him loudly that you do not force your children to hug people if they don't want to - bodily autonomy etc. NEVER let him change their nappies, and NEVER leave them alone with him, even for a minute.

Jasmine11 · 23/08/2021 07:29

Your instincts sound correct. He sounds like a pervert hiding in plain sight. No-one would voluntarily want to change a nappy if they didn't have to/weren't one of the parents so that in itself is a huge red flag. I hope you don't make your children hug people if they don't want to by the way no matter how much that person 'insists'

Ughmaybenot · 23/08/2021 07:32

Trust your instincts and keep your children away from him.
actually saying out loud 'be careful where you touch I don't want to be arrested' during a hug
Very telling that while hugging a small child, this is what was in his head.

AnyOldPrion · 23/08/2021 07:32

I noticed after posting that this also affects your nieces. I might try to have a very factual conversation with their mother (or their dad, if you feel that’s more appropriate) explaining what you’ve explained here so she can make her own mind up.

This is definitely one of those situations where erring on the side of caution is the best plan.

Babynames2 · 23/08/2021 07:37

YANBU. If your instinct is telling you something is off then trust it. The ‘watch where you touch’ and nappies comment would seriously concern me. I would make sure my children were never alone with him, and ideally never around him.

I have an uncle who always insisted on hugging us as children, even when we said no. He would also attempt to instigate ‘play fighting’ with us as well. These things didn’t stop when we grew up and he still tried to ‘play fight’ with me the last time I saw him (I was 25 Confused). He also slapped my sister on the bum in her twenties and made comments about my brothers girlfriends boobs. Numerous other female family members have told me how creepy they find him as well.

I have no contact with him and he’s never met my children which caused conflict with my mom at first (he’s her brother), but I felt uncomfortable around him as a child (and still do!) and don’t want my own children to feel that way. I have no proof that he’s ever abused anyone but his lack of boundaries with women really worries me.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/08/2021 07:57

It does sound bad. Trust your instinct and never ever let your children be alone with him.

I would also say to him that the children don’t want a hug and he needs to respect that. Let them see you stand up for them.

When he offers to change a nappy tell him he sounds weird, no one offers to change a nappy.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 23/08/2021 08:00

Sounds awful to me. Keep him at arms length. If he makes comments about getting arrested again or similar, just say 'I think that's inappropriate' or 'that's a strange thing to say about a child'
See how he reacts when you don't simply accept his unusual behaviour.

Trust your instincts and teach your children about what to do if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable ASAP.

Planty13 · 23/08/2021 08:02

Trust your instincts. The kind of people who do this ARE our brothers, uncles, cousins etc.

Mamette · 23/08/2021 08:03

@StayAGhost

OP Trust your instincts Keep your DD safe Keep her well away from this man
Agree
Planty13 · 23/08/2021 08:03

Trust your instincts. The kind of people who do this ARE our brothers, uncles, cousins etc.

ClareBlue · 23/08/2021 08:06

Instinct very very rarely wrong in these situations and even if it is a very rare case of him being misunderstood, then so what. Nobody needs to justify the protection of children. As people had said, never alone with the children and never insist the children do anything with him or cuddle him or have physical contact with him. I would be looking what access he has to other children. The being arrested comment is a real red flag. It just isn't in the mind of a person giving a child a warm inoncent hug.

romdowa · 23/08/2021 08:10

Ewww what you described has given me the ick🤢🤢🤢 keep this man away from your children for sure , no more hugs or anything like that but if it were me then I'd be avoiding him altogether as much as possible

1FootInTheRave · 23/08/2021 08:12

I think it's inappropriate and I wouldn't be having my children around him.

1stmonkey · 23/08/2021 08:22

Trust your instincts.

Your children should not be required to give physical affection to anyone, especially if they "insist". Teaching them consent at a young age can only be a good thing.

Thoughtcontagion · 23/08/2021 08:22

I have an uncle like this, particularly worse with one of my DD I watch him like a hawk, never ever alone with my kids, just something feels off, his behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable and he just stares, always wanted one of them alone if he could I said no constantly but didn’t get the message and kept on and used to get other family members to call and ask me. When she was old enough to get a phone he said I’ll have your number he got a payg number that we had indoors.

I’d rather piss an adult off than have my child spend their life trying to recover from something horrific.

I’ve been NC for 2 years now because I can’t stand the creepy bastard

Flowerlane · 23/08/2021 08:29

Reading your post made me feel a bit uneasy and I’m usually the person who thinks good of everyone.

No child should be forced to hug an adult if they don’t want to.

I would be setting very strict boundaries with this person when in their company.

billy1966 · 23/08/2021 08:40

@Mydogisagentleman

The careful where you touch, and nappy changing offers are very odd. Like the previous poster said, don’t leave your children alone with him
Very, very creepy.

Listen to your gut. Every time.

I'm one of those parents who never insisted on kissing/hugging of anyone in the wider family.

I never liked it as a kid.
It has never been an issue though.

He would give me the real creeps.
Flowers

Window1 · 23/08/2021 08:48

Agree with other posters that if it doesn't feel right that is enough to put an end to it.

Any practical advice on post to stop this? Just say we don't do hugs? Introduce a hand shake? Can hardly say sorry uncle no hugs for you, you're a bit creepy.

AnonymousCheerleader · 23/08/2021 08:53

Not the same situation at all, but my MIL can be quite insistent on hugs so I just say "we don't force hugs in this house".

Repeat. Teach the children to repeat.

IheartJKR · 23/08/2021 08:55

This is greatly concerning op.

I would be stopping all access to my children and supervising very closely any time he has to be around if it’s a whole family event.
Just be very busy.