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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate or not?

109 replies

user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 07:19

Has anyone experienced a family member being overly touchy with their children?

An uncle by marriage always hugs my daughters and nieces weirdly close and insists on 'proper' hugs goodbye. Always freaks me out as it's on more than one occasion and in some cases when he will see them again the next day so there's really no need for it. Blood relatives don't do this with them but with him there's always this big deal hello and goodbye involving a close, long hug.

AIBU? I just feel uneasy but no proof it's untoward and I know how serious it would be to say this out loud if it's innocent so I don't know what to do.

The kids are aged 0-5.

Few things I've found odd in recent times include

  • insisting on massive hugs twice
  • actually saying out loud 'be careful where you touch I don't want to be arrested' during a hug
  • volunteering quite loudly to change one of their nappies (just find this odd that a grown man who isn't their dad would be so willing to do this when no one asked him to)
  • offering to put on their shoes if leaving the house

Writing this down I'm aware it's not all so bad but I just have a feeling. However also aware I could be overreacting a lot so just wanted thoughts

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 11:30

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

This breaks my heart to read I'm so sorry you went through that.

Love to you Thanks

OP posts:
Audo · 23/08/2021 11:30

He may be socially inept and thinks that kind of remark is funny. However that is his choice of phrase. I agree with others; trust your instinct.

Lostinmumming · 23/08/2021 11:34

I try to be next to my child and when someone asks for a big cuddle (and have been insistent previously) I say loudly and firmly to my child ‘you can say no.’ If they still look uncertain I say ‘you don’t have to give anyone a hug if you don’t want to. Would you like to give a high five or a wave instead?’ Without actually addressing the adult. If the adult then protests I just say casually ‘it’s their body so it’s their choice, we don’t force hugs’ and move on. Could something like that work in your family?

Original poster
user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 11:37

@ChargingBuck

You're right and I will now be armed with a few things if this ever starts to happen again.

Thing is we don't really have a relationship outside of me coming to visit for Easter /Christmas / summer hols - it's quite rare we see them but every time we do this my instincts are really strong.
I wouldn't at this point have a go or take him aside but I will definitely say something in front of everyone if he does anything weird again - even the hugs goodbye.

I know he would look at me like I was 'crazy' and then be all hands up and protesting about it. I can just imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 11:38

@Lostinmumming

Thank you I will try that definitely

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465146157 · 23/08/2021 11:40

@HallieHufflepuff

Thank you for this perspective and of course don't mean to judge anyone loving their nieces / nephews just because they aren't blood related.

I think you sound like a lovely aunt.

This guy isn't in our lives a lot, we exchange pleasantries over family meetings but we aren't close - this whole hug thing feels so forced. It may not be a perversion but is certainly unnecessary.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 23/08/2021 11:40

The "be careful where you touch" comment is really weird and would set off alarm bells, no normal person thinks this when hugging a child. the nappy thing is weird too

Lostinmumming · 23/08/2021 11:45

Good luck! I find that changes the focus from appearing to question the adults motive - which is easy to challenge / take offence / make into a big deal.
Instead it puts the focus (rightly) on the child and what they want - and it’s much harder to argue that a child shouldn’t get to choose for themselves about who they give hugs too, especially when you can extrapolate that to the teenage years ‘it’s important that when they are older they can say no to physical contact of any kind from anybody, and we’re teaching them it’s ok to say no’. It also has the added bonus of showing the child they get to decide and you will support them which is another good learning for when they are older.

FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2021 11:48

@Ughmaybenot

Trust your instincts and keep your children away from him. actually saying out loud 'be careful where you touch I don't want to be arrested' during a hug Very telling that while hugging a small child, this is what was in his head.
This. Nobody insists on close hugs and then says that, unless there’s something very wrong going on in his head.
loopylindi · 23/08/2021 11:51

elbow bumps and face masks every time

Lostinmumming · 23/08/2021 11:54

Just to add, now my daughter is 4 when she gives appears uncomfortable but still gives a hug I make sure I am close by and still saying you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Then later when we are alone (often getting ready for bed) I will raise it with them:
me: hey when you hugged uncle x you looked uncomfortable, did you want to hug them?’
Child ‘no’
Me: ‘oh, why did you hug them?’
Child: ‘they said they needed it / I had to..I still wanted them to play with me…’
Me: ‘you can always say no if you don’t want to hug someone, remember it’s your body so it’s your choice. It’s ok for them to be upset by that, they are their feelings, and who’s responsible for their feelings?’
Child: ‘uncle x’
Me: ‘exactly, you’re not responsible for uncle x’s feelings.’

When this happened recently the next time they saw them they refused the hug and looked much happier in the interaction.

HyacynthBucket · 23/08/2021 11:57

Totally agreeing with everyone that this is not right OP. As your DC are so young, what about not giving them the choice about hugs (choice will be appropriate for them when older). At this stage, could you just ban hugs from random relatives, saying something like "We've decided not to do hugs until the children are older". Alternatively, take this man aside and speak to him privately to say you feel the effusive hugs are not appropriate as the children do not know him that well, and you want it to stop. Either way you will get flak flying back at you, but really your children are too young to have the responsibility of a decision on this themselves. You don't need to give a reason or justify - you are their parent and others need to respect that.

Babynames2 · 23/08/2021 11:58

and aunts,sisters etc. It's not just men

But the vast majority of the time it is men, lots of people I know have a ‘creepy uncle’ not any creepy aunts that I know of.

In 2018 1% of defendants for child sexual abuse offences were women, 99% were male. It is an overwhelmingly male problem.

patcarmichaelenergy · 23/08/2021 12:04

OP trust your gut.. I just watched a video about the brutal murder of Cherish Periwinkle. If something is telling you it isn't right, then it probably isn't.

Anon08 · 23/08/2021 12:08

As a victim of CSA I would say listen to your gut and advocate strongly for your kids. Forcing body contact is not ok under any circumstance and if an adult is going to be a dick about it then that says more about them.

Yummymummy2020 · 23/08/2021 12:09

I don’t like it either. Your instincts are right more often than wrong and there is no harm done just not letting him be alone with them even if you are wrong. He sounds creepy.

Branleuse · 23/08/2021 12:10

@Balgoresboy

''Trust your instincts. The kind of people who do this ARE our brothers, uncles, cousins etc''

and aunts,sisters etc. It's not just men.

oh fgs. Yes youre right. Around 1% of the time its not a man
patcarmichaelenergy · 23/08/2021 12:11

I'll summarise actually. The mother was really poor and a man in a shop offered t buy some clothes for her daughter....she thought something wasn't right but took him up on the offer. He then said that he wanted to get MacDonalds, and one of her girls followed him to get the burger (by this point beliving that he was a super kind guy). Something told her it wasn't right, after 30 minutes, her daughter and the man had not returned. They later found the girl brutally abused and murdered, and left in a ditch/pond ( i think).

I'm of course, not saying this will happen to your child, it's just that when the mum phones 911, she said she felt something wasn't right but didn't listen to that instinct because she didn't want to come across as overly protective!

Flatdisco · 23/08/2021 12:12

God reading this made me feel really uneasy so I think you should trust your instincts.

This made me think of my own situation. Myself and my partner are child free by choice but adore our nieces, my sister's children. They are pre school age. He's very affectionate and the crawl all over him. But we're both very keen on supporting their boundaries with hugs, if they don't want one it doesn't happen and we always ask.

Also he definitely wouldn't be comfortable doing toilet or nappies.

He'll help change them if needed when they stay with us also we don't want them to think nudity isn't ok as they're children. But I'd probably be the one to help get knickers on.

Just sharing as I think that's what a loving but healthy non blood uncle relationship is like.

Mumontour85 · 23/08/2021 12:15

That would be a firm NO from me mate.
I don't ever want to force my children to hug or kiss anyone, especially if that someone gave me the heebies.
As other comments say, I would trust my instincts and steer clear from this chap, maybe it is innocent, but it's super weird and my kids welfare will always be my priority.
I also don't have any actual advice, but maybe speak to another member of the fam and see if they have the same feels and try and come up with a plan together?

Mothership6 · 23/08/2021 12:15

I know someone who was like this, they always used to be overly touchy with the little ones. He once sent a 12 year old a valentines day card "to make her feel special" and also commented on the size of her breasts at 15. He ended up serving 8 years in prison for sexually abusing his daughter.

Reading your post reminded me of him immediately and made me feel uneasy. If I were you I would be keeping my children away from him as much as possible and insisting on very firm and very clear boundaries at all times.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/08/2021 12:16

I wouldn’t suggest a handshake, they can be done creepily too. Fist bump or high high five, quick enough for no lingering contact. But again, if the children don’t want to, they don’t have to.

LaBellina · 23/08/2021 12:22

Yes this would definitely set off alarm bells for me. I wouldn’t allow this person one on one time with my DC and make sure they also don’t get the opportunity to be alone with my children when I am not around, for example GP taking care of the kids.
You’re definitely not overreacting. Just reading this made me uneasy as a mum.
Please don’t ignore your instincts.

LaBellina · 23/08/2021 12:23

Also I wouldn’t want them around my DC even if I or their father was around. Just not at all.

MinnieGirl · 23/08/2021 12:41

@Babynames2

and aunts,sisters etc. It's not just men

But the vast majority of the time it is men, lots of people I know have a ‘creepy uncle’ not any creepy aunts that I know of.

In 2018 1% of defendants for child sexual abuse offences were women, 99% were male. It is an overwhelmingly male problem.

But creepy uncles have wives and girlfriends who are often prepared to look the other way… they might not be actually carrying out the abuse but they are enabling it.

I had a paedo living next door to me. I won’t go into how we found out, but despite not having children, what he did to us was horrendous. Hubby still struggles to deal with it.

That man had a girlfriend. Who had a teenager. Who’s older children bought their toddlers to visit….. she stayed with him after he was charged…

Woman are complicit in abuse.

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